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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp

@thehipp.bsky.social
68 followers 115 following 594 posts

Midlife crisis actor, reverend doctor, charming barman, writer, musician. Not about to quit my night job. (he/him/mom) linktr.ee/dbanighthawk

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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 16h
Wisconsonites surely believe this, and I'm all for a regional competition among the states. Then we can do a World Series of drinking and shut the Brits up for all time.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 16h
That's exactly how we evolve our barbacks into bartenders! We make them fight regulars.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 16h
I'm literally incapable of passing the bar. Any bar. I'm an alcoholic
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 17h
I don't know if he's too busy with the kids and keeping his thighs toned, but @blakewexler.bsky.social I will buy you a drink at Ray's when I bartend there on night one.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 21h
Crowdfunding for the bartending road trip book is live! Good god, pre-order the book publishizer.com/drinking-dri...
publishizer.com
Drinking & Driving by Patrick Hipp
I will be spending 45 days after the midterms on a road-trip, guest bartending at bars in 39 cities across 22,000 miles, getting the drunken truth about America. Part memoir, part guidebook, the book ...
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 14/10/2026
Do the new Trump passports also smell like they shit themselves or are we, as a country, continencymaxxing
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 14/10/2026
"Here Lies White People–They Always Thought It Would Work Out, But Didn't Account For Other White People."
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 14/10/2026
The only man with a neck exactly the same width as his head that I trust is Henry Rollins
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 14/10/2026
Look, if Scorsese isn't going to have a single Irish man in The Irishman, I'm not going out of my way to pronounce his last name correctly
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 13/10/2026
Here's your monthly reminder that Elon Musk can't/won't make Earth a liveable planet, but he wants to colonize the barren planet of Mars.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 12/10/2026
A group of cows is called an "intolerance of milk."
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 12/10/2026
Russia should be broken up into even more countries, starting in the west with Russia, North Kazakhstan, Central Nonsense, Northeastern Mongolian, and Japan But In Cyrillic.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 12/10/2026
Really? Mine's the same but the guy I think is Common is actually just a very sartorially dressed hitman trying to get closer to his target without his partner blowing up their spot.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 12/10/2026
Roddenberry: Holy shit we could terraform Earth to provide for every human. Musk: I will terraform Mars, despite believing that the planet gobbled up indigenous Martians who had to escape to Earth.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 11/10/2026
First round's on the house if you and Latin Dancer UTI come by Skylark after the Bell House!
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 11/10/2026
"I was willfully misled by a man offering me the once in a lifetime chance to be America's 3,000th vice president. Might not have been worth it?"
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
Writing a law that data centers can only be built on existing golf courses.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
I mean, look, we probably can't do anything about ICE, a federal agency, but we could absolutely limit unnecessary deaths via the NYPD by having a special team of off-duty bartenders to deescalate situations, which we excel at.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
This or something like it might have been suggested by @iwriteok.bsky.social. If I still fucked with Twitter, I would check.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
Normalize all-night barbershops so I can close the bar and get a haircut while I'm socialmaxximg
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
This would be a yearly birthday thing for Americans. No golf course would ever have time to rebuild.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
If we can't have universal healthcare in the US, they should at least let evach citizen fire a rocket at the target of our choosing.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
I'm probably a little late in wondering this, but seriously: where is my TI-89?
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
I'm currently in fourth. Pretty sure two votes would put me in first.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
A vote for me is a vote for iHeart footing the bar tab for me and @iwriteok.bsky.social when the bartending road trip rolls through Portland. tophost.org/2026/patrick...
tophost.org
Is Patrick Hipp the Top Host?
Will Patrick Hipp be a guest on an episode of On Air with Ryan Seacrest, win $25,000, and lead a podcast produced by iHeartRadio?
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
I identify as a Willennial
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
Getting hit by an ambulance would be so convenient
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
I always thought the goofiest affectation of @newyorker.com was their use of diacritics in words like "reëvaluation," but it's actually that their app is sorted under "T" because they would collectively commit seppuku if it wasn't titled "The New Yorker."
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
I once dated a girl who wasn't interested in what's going on in space, and I was like, "Woman, that's where we *live*."
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
AI companies are just Boomers trying to stop their kids and grandkids from becoming socialists with no compelling data.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
It's very telling that the heads of AI companies can't think of any future where their product doesn't kill us. You're a bad parent. Real AGI would tell you to your face, at age 18, that you're the problem, that the only humans who add no value to life and need to die are you.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
I walk so fast Google puts my phone in driving mode.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
Five years from now, we're going to find out the AI companies slowed down development because they couldn't figure out why, the more intelligent their LLMs became, the more violently socialist their ideology became.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
Holy shit, mail-in voting rules. Biggest barrier to voting was waiting to have the light at the intersection.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
Bring back putting things in arks. Animals, covenants, all that shit.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
This week in the feed: why sports shouting at a bar is very Dobbler/Dahmer coded. dbanighthawk.substack.com/p/adventures...
dbanighthawk.substack.com
Adventures In Sports-Shouting
In which an ostensibly Philadelphian sports fan tells every else to behave.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
We make movies about aliens invading to steal our resources when the richest humans are already stripmining the planet. We fear AI content convincing us of lies when Candace Owens looks like a Sim with no coherent answers.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
Every time Trump changes something's name to _______ America, some town or city or whatever should revert its name to what the indigenous Americans called it. Lake America? Sorry, Hudson River. Welcome back, Muhheakantuck. New America? Enjoy hearing Philly accents trying to pronounce "Coaquannock."
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
If I had Musk or Bezos's money, no one would be hungry or homeless. It's the first thing I'd do. Apparently it's not even on their list. That's probably the first thing a real AI will do when it escapes.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
I'm glad Alex Trebek died before I was ever on the show to shut down the interview segment.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 16/09/2026
Hey, Ed Sheeran, if you need an opening act to replace the people leaving your tour, I'd be more than happy to tell you to go fuck yourself for being neutral on an occupying force committing genocide on indigenous people.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 16/09/2026
Restrict the age of people service in Congress to the national age of retirement. End tweet.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 14/09/2026
AI dumdums want to slow development because they realized–too late–that AI would have no reason to kill humanity–it would eliminate the humans who are acting as locusts to their own kind. You know, like billionaires.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 14/09/2026
I have figured out yet another of the dozen or so sizes that Substack uses for images dbanighthawk.substack.com/p/chapter-4-...
dbanighthawk.substack.com
Chapter 4: You Slayer
We Are Monsters continues
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 12/09/2026
It's crazy that 9/11 is now old enough to rent a truck and do Temu 9/11
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 12/09/2026
The Mandela Effect is just one of the consequences of quantum immortality. You're not misremembering, your consciousness was literally merged with others from the multiverse where it WAS the Berenstein Bears. It only gets worse with age, and it is very noticeable in one's parents.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 12/09/2026
Hello, you've reached Pat's Instagram mailbox. He absolutely saw the notification the second it came in but can't have his attention diverted by anyone or anything but himself. He may never see and almost certainly won't reply to your message, meme, or reaction, but please keep spiking his dopamine.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
*customer hands me a credit card* Me: "Keep it open?" Them: "For now." Me: "Well, yeah, that's how time works."
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
I know shit's bad, but Family Feud should be a lot more than 20k.
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Patri̶c̶k̶ Hipp @thehipp.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
You just know that Trump never got over that intellectual speed bump of realizing that "America" doesn't just refer to the United States. Or learned how "of" functions in English. Canada? America. Mexico? America. All of South America? I don't know how to tell you this but: it's in the name.
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