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North Dakota Apologizes For Contributing Nothing To Nation’s Greatness theonion.com/north-dakota-apologize…

American Support For Indigenous Peoples’ Day Significantly Increases After Learning It Still 3-Day Weekend theonion.com/american-support-for-i…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 21h

New Study Finds Elephants Mourn Cancellation Of Favorite TV Shows theonion.com/new-study-finds-elepha…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 11/10/2026

Meth Lab Straightened Up Ahead Of Landlord’s Visit theonion.com/meth-lab-straightened-…

Meth Lab Straightened Up Ahead Of Landlord’s Visit
Carpet Scrubbed Of Battery Acid, Antifreeze Stains

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The Onion @theonion.com · 11/10/2026

Marathoner Already Pissing Self Half-Mile In

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The Onion @theonion.com · 10/10/2026

Forward-Thinking CEO Hoping Company Can Capture New Audience By Making Product Worse In Every Conceivable Way theonion.com/forward-thinking-ceo-h…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 10/10/2026

Cold, Distant Boyfriend Finally Opens Up About How Horny He Is theonion.com/cold-distant-boyfriend…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 09/10/2026

White House Downplays Hyena Biting Down On Trump’s Ass theonion.com/white-house-downplays-…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 09/10/2026

Elderly Man Looks Even Sadder When Smiling

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The Onion @theonion.com · 09/10/2026

DNA Provides More Evidence Thomas Jefferson Fathered Children With Sally Hemings theonion.com/dna-provides-more-evid…

“The DNA is probably just saying that for attention.”

Edgar Bowen, Salmon Handler

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The Onion @theonion.com · 09/10/2026

World’s Largest Dinosaur Shoe Print Discovered In Australia theonion.com/world-s-largest-dinosa…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 09/10/2026

Grandma Fondly Recalls Once Working With Homosexual theonion.com/grandma-fondly-recalls…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 09/10/2026

Chump To Receive No Compensation For Rescuing Children From Fire

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The Onion @theonion.com · 09/10/2026

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Recipe For Disaster theonion.com/recipe-for-disaster

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The Onion @theonion.com · 09/10/2026

FBI Classifies Not Finishing Hamburger As Seditious Activity theonion.com/fbi-classifies-not-fin…

FBI Classifies Not Finishing Hamburger As Seditious Activity
Those Who Leave Uneaten Bites On Plate Declared ‘Enemies Of The People’

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The Onion @theonion.com · 09/10/2026

40-Year-Old Not Active Enough To Realize Body Falling Apart theonion.com/40-year-old-not-active…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 08/10/2026

An Onion T-shirt may not change your life, but you'd better hope it does. store.theonion.com/products/the-oni…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 08/10/2026

Christa Pike Sentenced To Lifetime Execution

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The Onion @theonion.com · 08/10/2026

Starbucks Announces New Teen-Free Hours For Nervous Adults Who Just Want To Redeem Birthday Reward theonion.com/starbucks-announces-ne…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 08/10/2026

Commentary: All Right, All Right, You Guys Have Won Me Over, by Osama bin Laden theonion.com/all-right-all-right-yo…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 08/10/2026

The new revolution in democracy has arrived. Play The Onion Voting Simulator 3D Now available here: theonion.com/voting-simul...

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The Onion @theonion.com · 08/10/2026

Conversation About Non-Monogamy Chock-Full Of Animal Facts theonion.com/conversation-about-non…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 08/10/2026

You Can Just Push Shit In Back Seat Out Of Way

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The Onion @theonion.com · 08/10/2026

Woman Suddenly Realizes She Same Age Parents Were When They Were Her Age theonion.com/woman-suddenly-realize…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 07/10/2026

Support a small, local business by buying an Onion-branded piece of clothing that you can wear when shopping at small, local businesses. store.theonion.com/products/pre-ord…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 07/10/2026

End Of Man’s Usefulness To Society Celebrated With Sheet Cake

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The Onion @theonion.com · 07/10/2026

Phrase ‘It’s Been Real’ Pushes Already Great Hangout With Friend Into Heretofore Unknown Levels Of Bliss theonion.com/phrase-its-been-real-p…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 07/10/2026

‘Ted Lasso’ Fans Told That Show Going ‘Bye-Bye’ For A Bit theonion.com/ted-lasso-fans-told-th…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 07/10/2026

DNC Releases Preemptive Autopsy Into Why They Lost Midterms

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The Onion @theonion.com · 07/10/2026

Experts: Most Relationships Fall Apart Moment Man Playfully Tries But Fails To Pick Up Girlfriend theonion.com/experts-most-relations…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 07/10/2026

Time Travelers From Year 2376 Warn Of Future Where America Still Perfect theonion.com/time-travelers-from-ye…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 07/10/2026

Thighs On Fucking Fire 12 Seconds Into Flirty Lap Dance theonion.com/thighs-on-fucking-fire…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 06/10/2026

Uber Driver Seemingly Watching ‘Titanic’ For First Time theonion.com/uber-driver-seemingly-…

Uber Driver Seemingly Watching ‘Titanic’ For First Time
Turnpike Traffic Competing With Blockbuster Romance For Attention Of Man Behind Wheel

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The Onion @theonion.com · 06/10/2026

DNC Releases Preemptive Autopsy Into Why They Lost Midterms theonion.com/dnc-releases-preemptiv…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 06/10/2026

Tilly Norwood Moved To Trash Folder By Deranged Fan

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The Onion @theonion.com · 06/10/2026

Raytheon Unveils Military Robot Capable Of Composing Poignant Poems About Horrors Of War theonion.com/raytheon-unveils-milit…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 06/10/2026

Netflix Now Requiring All Subscribers To Recruit 5 New Customers theonion.com/netflix-now-requiring-…

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