Stephen Collins
@stephencollins.bsky.social
23K followers 479 following 1.6K posts
Illustrator & cartoonist | Guardian & Prospect (full scripts in alt text) | graphic novels | children’s books | WFC | My stuff: linktr.ee/stephencollinsart
Illustrator & cartoonist | Guardian & Prospect (full scripts in alt text) | graphic novels | children’s books | WFC | My stuff: linktr.ee/stephencollinsart
![[Opening scene is WESTMINSTER, LONDON. Over Downing Street a huge ALIEN SPACECRAFT hovers, silent, still, filling the whole sky a la Independence Day].
[Cut to INSIDE 10 DOWNING STREET. The (then) prime Minister DAVID CAMERON is looking out of his office window at the ship.]
VOICE FROM OFF-SCENE, BEHIND CAMERON:
Prime Minister…
CAMERON [addressing the person behind him, still keeping his eyes fixed ahead in dread at the spaceship]:
Yes?
[We see the speaker is MICHAEL GOVE, then Education Secretary]:
GOVE:
Let me do it.
CAMERON:
For God's sake, Michael, you're the Education Secretary! You've never flown a fighter plane in your life!
GOVE:
But I know I could do it, David. I could fly a fighter plane into the big space- ship...
...and shoot all the aliens.
CAMERON:
But you have no military training!
GOVE:
David
I haven't told you this, but...
I used to be a journalist. For The Times.
[Cameron reacts, turning to look at Gove with awe and respect, as if only now truly seeing him for the first time].
GOVE:
I wrote two articles about planes, David.
I've got strong opinions about aliens.
I know I can do this job.
[Cut to a title card panel]:
AND SO:
[Then cut again to Cameron on the roof of Number 10, watching a Michael Gove pilot a fighter jet up towards the spacecraft, and then completely miss it, careering towards Earth, as Cameron buries his face in his hands].
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreictdw36myuavccr5oqqgsfb2jzkicnjrxhcexhned7ux7ws6oq5ny)
![Scene is a Victorian drawing room; a group of gentlemen is assembled for a meeting. At the front of the room, stood at a large blackboard, is SIR JOHN LUBBOCK, the inventor of bank holidays. The board has a calendar drawn on it. Also in the room is a SMALL DOG sat on the floor.
1
LUBBOCK:
And so gentlemen, I, Sir John Lubbock, hereby announce
2
LUBBOCK:
The invention of ‘bank holidays’!
Legally protected days off work, for the whole nation to rest.
AUDIENCE:
CLAP CLAP CLAP
3
LUBBOCK (marking days on the calendar):
My first two bank holidays shall be at Easter...
and then another straight after in May...
4
LUBBOCK:
And then - what the hell - another one in May!
And then one in August!
AUDIENCE:
Hurrah!
5
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
So many, Sir John?
LUBBOCK (grabbing him by the lapel, his face ecstatic)
Life is for living, man!
6
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
And then in the Autumn, sir….?
7
[Lubbock looks sideways. He is distracted by the SMALL DOG. It has started scooting its bum across the floor]
8
LUBBOCK:
Ugh.
[his face has dropped, it's totally grossed him out]
9
LUBBOCK:
OK that'll do
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
What?
10
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Is that it? You’ve put loads in the summer…
LUBBOCK:
Yeah
no more bank holidays till Christmas.
11
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Sir - have you just condemned future generations to long winters of unalleviated toil... because you saw my dog scooting its arse and it killed your vibe?
12
LUBBOCK:
It's so gross
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Rollo can’t help it!
[dog continues to scoot across floor]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiabf3hhw7b35mdikzkfjgdhadqnge5zvvyrdaeu5ql4t24rmbqbni)
![[In the style of tent instructions booklet]
INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPACKING YOUR
B-STARD 3000
Your
B-STARD 3000
tent
uses an innovative and mysterious technology which makes it 4x harder to repack than it was to put up.
1.
Start by making the mistake of thinking it will be as easy to repack as it was to put up.
2.
Leave it till an hour before check out time.
3.
Take it down and fold it in half.
4.
Realise that's not right and fold it into thirds.
5.
Have an argument in front of the other families about how to repack your tent.
6.
Look up a video on YouTube of a cheerful German person repacking a completely different model of tent.
7.
Gaze covetously at the air tent next door.
8.
Roll the tent into an infinitesimally small sausage while wiping it off as you go.
9.
Marvel at how it is still Somehow three times too big for the bag.
10.
Jam the rest in the car because it's bloody raining now youve taken so
long.
11.
Spend the next two days drying it out at home.
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreigggco4rgqhji475rsbwmxrmd2sujjm57rnzktx7dfymsnju432xi)
![[Print of a cartoon strip by Stephen Collins. Images are just a series of the things described.]
Title:
HOLIDAY COTTAGE BINGO...
BLUNT KNIFE
CANVAS PRINT OF A BOAT
METAL SEAGULL
WOODEN HARE
CANVAS PRINT OF A FLOWER
TINY CHOPPING BOARD
5 TV REMOTES
WOBBLY PLASTIC-HANDLE PAN
3 TINY MUGS (WEIRD SHAPE)
FATHERLAND BY ROBERT HARRIS
SCRATCHED FRYING PAN
6-PAGE ESSAY IN THE GUESTBOOK
FRAMED SHEEP ILLUSTRATION
INSCRUTABLE COMBO OVEN & MICROWAVE
DVD OF MASTER AND COMMANDER
TINY WINE GLASS
DECORATIVE WOODEN THING OF SEASIDE
[Sun, Sand, Sea on wall mounted, painted driftwood]
GHOST OF DEAD FISHERMAN
[Fisherman's ghost pointing at you and wailing 'BE GONE"]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiegrycd3blj26hon6q6wsvsjqhdsdkyr2m633a2xvil5lwuznoqzq)
![[scene is SATURDAY KITCHEN, with the normal set of Saturday Kitchen, except it’s in a cave, and the guest chef is a kind of semi-human creature called MORLOCK, and the host is H G Wells]
1
H G WELLS:
Hello I’m HG Wells and welcome to Saturday Kitchen.
So with me today is Morlock!
MORLOCK
Helloo
H G WELLS:
Now tell me a bit about yourself, Morlock
MORLOCK:
Well I’m an future sub-branch of humanity that lives underground in the year 802,701.
HG WELLS:
Wonderful!
[Close up on what Morlock is cooking - a pale, veal-like steak in the frying pan]
MORLOCK:
And today I'm cooking Eloi, which is the my rival species of human, from above the ground.
[Wells makes a frozen face of realisation]
MORLOCK
Eloi are beautifully soft and easy to hunt
Because they’ve gone weak with over-reliance on technology!
HG WELLS:
Oh god. Did - did you -
MORLOCK:
It’s super local meat too - I bagged this one last night, just outside my lair.
[Cut to a scene above ground at night - Morlock emerges from his hole in the ground]
[He approaches an Eloi - a pale, weak-looking human - sat at a desk with a computer on it]
ELOI [talking to his computer]:
Hey Chat -
Write me an email to Jess in accounts about -
12
[Morlock grabs the Eloi]
13
[Cut back to HG Wells and Morlock at the Saturday Kitchen tasting table, tucking into the Eloi meat]
HG WELLS:
It’s kind of like veal!
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreihh7mikpgzmuhhypymrl4tdveamtvadeqnp5vigquobxukykeqt4i)
![[Scene is a kitchen, a person is boiling some peas on the hob]
1
PERSON 1:
Oh dear!
PERSON 2:
What is it babe?
2
PERSON 1:
I am so overwhelmed with cooking these peas...
PERSON 2:
You mean you’re not using AI peas?
3
PERSON 1:
AI peas?
PERSON 2:
They’re peas with AI!
4
PERSON 2:
AI powered peas harness the potential of your peas
PERSON 1:
What
5
PERSON 2 [Now in voice-over as hi tech meaningless graphics play]:
Taking your peas to the next level with new AI features powering your peas
6
PERSON 2 [V/O over increasingly ridiculous graphics]:
Each pea has AI in a way we haven’t quite worked out yet but it’s fine
7
PERSON 2:
Putting AI to work for your peas and connecting every corner of your peas
PERSON 1:
Peas don’t have corners
PERSON 2:
It does not matter!
8
PERSON 2:
Our game-changing PEA-AI gives you the freedom to get the peas done
9
PERSON 2:
From opening the bag of peas
to boiling the peas
to eating the peas
10
PERSON 2:
to spending millions on adding AI to the peas and then having to work out what that means
11
PERSON 1:
Is it necessary to -
PERSON 2 [grabbing her buy the cardigan]:
THE PEAS HAVE GOT AI, JANET
12
[Advert ending image showing the product, a bag of peas, with its slogan]
PEA-I AI PEAS WITH AI
Just ‘peas’ for God’s sake buy the AI peas
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreibdtougqisdyvvpfwxel7ojrf6cjvw4gboqckkbhhlt6icps235ja)
![[Scene is a BEACH. A man is sat eating chips on a blanket - or rather he is trying to, but a terrifying, haunted-eyed SEAGULL is stood next to him, staring intently]
SEAGULL:
Well well well.
You must be one of these ‘Starers’.
[Show man trying to stare the seagull out]
SEAGULL:
Read an article in the Guardian did ya? ‘Stare seagulls out to save your chips’...
Come on then.
Look into my eyes.
[We see his cold, terrifying, haunted eyes in close up]
Can you see the darkness?
The things I’ve seen?
[Hypnotic waves are coming out of his eyes now]
The things I’ve... eaten...?
Frozen shit from a sewage pipe off the coast of Sussex…
The still-pulsing intestines from a badger by the A602…
Thaaat’s it
Look into the truth
The truth you’ve always known.
I am a seagull.
I am harder than you.
And I am having your chips.
11 [The man’s facade breaks, His eyes water, his lips wobble]
SEAGULL [Eating chips]:
Nom nom nom.
[ENDS]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreidxpsx6ubfyjz2yhp2xtq4ov2akmt4mk4fo5tgf6ckicarqwad44e)
![Print of a comic strip by Stephen Collins, originally in the Guardian.
Script for the comic is as follows:
[Scene is the Tudor royal court. ladies and gentlemen standing round. In the corner a very fat HENRY VIII is hunched over playing a lute.]
1
LADY:
Hey Anne Boleyn -
Who’s that lute player?
ANNE BOLEYN:
I dunno
[Determined face]
But I’m gonna find out.
[Title lettering panel]:
THIS SUMMER
[Scene is now two musicians - one with a harp, the other is Henry VIII again playing the lute]
HARPIST:
Yo Henry VIII -
Who wrote that sick lute riff yo’ jamming?
HENRY VIII:
Why...
[Looking around, modest, surprised at the attention]
I did…!
[Title lettering panel]:
SEE THE STORY
[Scene is now a tudor record producer with ruff and wearing dark sunglasses]:
PRODUCER:
Congratulations Henry
Your lute thing is a hit and your story is now one of uncomplicated musical success!
[Show a panel with lots of Beatlemania-style scenes of success for Henry the musician - swooning tudor girls, playing lute on stage, waving to fans as he descends from his golden carriage. In the middle of it in Tudor lettering are the words]:
“UNCOMPLICATED MUSICAL SUCCESS MONTAGE”.
[Another scene - a man is saying to Henry]:
MAN:
Say Henry VIII -
Are you doing anything outside this narrative that is very bad or weird?
HENRY VIII:
No.
[Title lettering panel]:
…OF A MUSICAL GENIUS
who definitely didn’t do anything outside this narrative that was very bad or weird
[Scene with Thomas Cromwell]
THOMAS CROMWELL:
Hang on Henry aren't you also a -
HENRY VIII [jumping in front of him with his lute held aloft]:
LUTE SOLO!
[Final film title panel]:
HENRY VIII:
Rock Biopic
[rated U]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreifzv57imyhngx4swxcffxvte2hfviulngjituraxsbv5q5vqsjtmu)
![[Scene is a UK sports pub, during an England game]
1
[Close up on 2 pints being held in plastics, in people's hands, they are Madri, and Stella]
MADRI:
Welcome back to the second half
2
A goalless and rather dry game so far Stella
3
Yeah Madri, it’s surprised me
I was really expecting to see some goals when they put me in a plastic
4
Oh - Kaaaane and IT’S IN!!
But the flag is up…
5
Our Italian colleague Peroni’s gone early…
[Show one man throwing a pint ]
5
That’s embarrassing Madri
You can see from the expression Peroni’s owner doesn't usually watch football -
6
[Replay of bloke looking silly going to the bar]
Beautiful slo-mo return to the bar there
To drop another £8.20.
7
The fans are clearly expectant, Stella
I've not been sipped all match
8
My guy's filming content of himself
[show guy with a selfie stick filming himself 'watching' the screen]
BLOKE:
Gonna be liiiimbs
9
ESTRELLA:
Determined to capture his own spontaneous joy
BLOKE:
Oooh
10
ESTRELLA:
Sadly this is just part of English tournament football now, Madri
11
If you ask me it's emblematic of a society-wide substitution of genuine, lived joy with a forced social media performaaaa
12
[the pints have all been thrown and have disappeared out of shot]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreigktiqfrmzkh7iarstbwky32kurrum5z7grkbtq5tlr2rbf6f7yoy)
![Scene is a domestic room in ANCIENT GREECE. The traveller ODYSSEUS enters to meet his DAD, an old, bearded man.
DAD:
Odysseus!
ODYSSEUS:
Father!
DAD:
It’s so good to see you after all these years! How was your journey?
ODYSSEUS:
Not bad, yeah
DAD:
Which way did you come?
ODYSSEUS:
Oh... I dunno.
I just followed the sat nav
[There is a silent pause. Odysseus’s dad smiles, a frozen rictus of affability which says ‘that is not acceptable and I’ll pretend you didn’t say it’.]
DAD:
Which way did you come.
ODYSSEUS:
Um. I dunno, Dad
DAD:
Did you come via the domain of the Cyclops?
ODYSSEUS:
I think.... um....
DAD:
Through the lair of the Laestrygonian cannibals?
ODYSSEUS:
Uh....
DAD:
Past the siren song of the enchantresses?
ODYSSEUS:
Dunno, I had a podcast on
DAD:
You must've gone the Western Edge of the World way, past Scylla the six-headed monster and the Whirlpool of Charybdis...
ODYSSEUS:
Is that by the McDonald’s roundabout
DAD:
Yes
ODYSSEUS:
Yeah I did come that way
DAD:
OOOH YOU SHOULDN’T COME THAT WAY
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreidif3ihfpi5vthscfnnaf262yepyrynvhrtjdqyjymebikcyo53xu)
![[Scene is a BEACH. A little kid is running towards the shore. Speech bubbles that follow are mostly coming from THE SEA, which is sort of talking to us.]
1
THE SEA:
Happens all the time.
2
THE SEA:
One second they’re a kid thoughtlessly running into me for joy
[Show kid running towards the sea]
3
THE SEA:
And the next, they’re an adult standing there
contemplating my sublime, death-like endlessness.
[Show the kid instantly transformed into an adult, hands on hips, boringly contemplating the horizon].
4
THE SEA:
I mean, I get it. I’m the *Sea*.
I don’t really do the whole ‘time’ thing.
But it always seems to happen so *quick*.
5
THE SEA:
Right. One way to fix this.
[Shoe the waves licking up against their toes]
6
PERSON [shocked from cold]:
JESUS
7
THE SEA:
Come on
a bit further ….
[Person paddles out into the water a bit]
8
THE SEA:
That’s it…
bit further…
[Person wades to waist height]
9
THE SEA:
Right.
[Person standing still waist height in sea]
10
THE SEA:
HAVE THAT.
[BIG WAVE goes over them]
11
[They are instantly transformed back to a kid again]
KID [laughing]:
UURGHHAHA
12
THE SEA:
Works every time
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreie4atzq4opzmwscna4tkzjfe3lg7xhzd34wlimcrpxuym4uznmery)
![1
[Guardian headline title]
Inspiring Travel Ideas for 2026
Chosen By Our Readers Who Are Microplastics
2
Stuck for somewhere to go on holiday this year? Microplastic Guardian readers offer their travel tips
3
A Pristine highland river
This glorious unspoilt Scottish river feels a million miles from a sausage roll packet, but it’s actually just a short picnic away!
Paul and David, sausage roll packet bits
4
Breathtaking Mountaintop
True travellers know it’s not about the destination, but the journey. We simply left our plastic bag with no plan, hopping a serendipitously from gust to gust all the way to the Haute-Pyrénées
Sue and Tom, bits of plastic bag
5
Polar Bear’s balls
Since we left our Space Invaders packet in 1983, we've developed a taste for adventure. Most tourists are happy with package holidays in European genitals, but the Arctic Circle has some wonderful undiscovered testes.
Janet and Ian, crisp packet particles
6
Human foetus
Human placentas are such tourist traps, with every single one on Earth now occupied by microplastic holidaymakers. We've gone ‘off the beaten track’ and entered the a delightful foetus’s lungs.
The Wilsons, ground Ford Ka indicator wand.
7
Liz Truss
We’ve spent four glorious summers in the frontal cortex of former UK Government star, Elizabeth Truss. A truly vibrant spot to just sit back, relax, and watch the colourful thoughts roll by!
Diogo and Shawna, spork dust
8
Your Child’s Eyeball
The wonder of travel is seeing the world with fresh eyes, and you can't get fresher than the eyes of your kid. Easily accessible via the bloodstream.
Dennis, polyurethane spray foam
9
The Mariana Trench
Ever since we were dropped into the sea in 2022, we’ve strayed ever further from the ’tourist trail’. Last year we found this blissfully peaceful Pacific trench.
Louise and Di- fragment of Rebekah Vardy’s agent’s phone case
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreibzb5fjs32t3yp2prdq2guj7p333xmcwy5lajzxcplsieadlgbosm)
![1
[Title panel]: STREET DANCE with MARK ZUCKERBERG
2
[Mark Zuckerberg doing a street dance tutorial. he is wearing his silly current street bling look, with the big thick Meta Glasses]
MARK:
Hi there. I'm Mark Zuckerberg.
3
Can you pivot?
4
Pivoting is the hot new street dance that allows you to be...
[Mark spins around, shouting “PIVOT!”]
5
[When he has spun round to face us he is now dressed in his original look - hoodie, jeans]
MARK:
…a 2000s tech bro…
[He spins around again, shouting “PIVOT!”]
6
Now he is dressed as he was at Trump’s inauguaration]
MARK:
A MAGA friendly fascism enabler…
[he spins again, shouting “PIVOT!”]
7
[He now looks like his weird big eyed METAVERSE AVATAR]
And whatever the fuck this was!
8
[Mark spins back to his original modern bling look, complete with glasses]
[And ASSISTANT appears stage right]
ASSISTANT:
Hey, uh, Mark?
9
ASSISTANT:
We looked at the response on socials and, uh…
Everyone in the UK is calling started calling your big glasses, uh…
"nonce goggles”.
MARK:
Oh no!
[He spins again, “PIVOT!”]
10
[Now he is wearing the new META MUSE CHARM around his neck instead of the glasses]
MARK:
Who wants a weird Tamagotchi thing?
ASSISTANT:
Mark please stop
[ Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiearenxhcogs23oryk4wd7ed57ibo7cjwiflaoyayoaktgfin5f7y)
![[A parody of MR ROGERS’ NEIGHBOURHOOD, in which the kindly Mr Rogers takes us to see local things in his town.]
1
[title]
MR ROGERS’ NEIGHBOURHOOD
MR ROGERS:
Hi there
2
Today, I’d like to take you to visit some of my neighbours…
[He puts his coat on to leave his house]
3
At a wonderful local event,
[We see the cute toy-town diorama of his village famous from the TV show. The camera pulls out…]
4
The Data Center protest.
[The camera has pulled out further and now we see a huge DATA CENTER at the edge of town].
5
MR ROGERS [joining a crowd protesting outside the Data Center]:
The Data Center is an enormous, windowless, endlessly humming building outside of our town
6
…Which has tripled energy prices, drank all the water, and created four jobs.
7
[to camera, as if kindly explaining to the viewing children]:
Four jobs! Golly!
8
LADY PROTESTOR [probably NAOMI KLEIN, holding a sign]:
In a way, the Data Center is kind of a vivid metaphor for a future we feel locked out of!
9
MR ROGERS [to camera again]:
A metaphor.
10
That’s something that lets us clarify our feelings about something else.
11
LADY PROTESTOR:
How do you feel, Mr Rogers?
MR ROGERS:
I feel like bringing down the government!
12
MR ROGERS [now holding a sign and protesting]:
It’s good to have neighbors.
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreibvefn2z5f2jip2gg3nzidjibzvmh7s3lnqjgjqt6usfzpxkjqbkm)
![1
Wide shot of the BRITISH MUSEUM. There are suggestions of fascism around the streets - tanks, barricades, an Orwellian 'Big Brother'-style poster on a wall. A voice of a TOUR GUIDE emanates from the museum:
TOUR GUIDE:
So the Tapestry tells acrucial chapter of our nation's history...
2
[Cut to interior of museum. A long Bayeaux-style TAPESTRY is on display, and the Tour Guide is speaking to a tour group]
TOUR GUIDE [smiling]:
How modern fascist Britain was created.
3
TOUR GUIDE:
The Tapestry begins here with the 2008 Crash, then austerity, then the AI Crash...
4
TOUR GUIDE:
...and by the end of the room it's just full-on fash.
5
CHILD IN TOUR GROUP [gesturing to the tapestry]:
What's this middle bit?
TOUR GUIDE:
This is the 2026 Battle of Legitimate Concerns
6
TOUR GUIDE:
[show a reporter standing next to the Dover protests]
Here's the media saying the government have got to do something about the legitimate concerns...
7
CHILD:
...About the failure of capitalism?
TOUR GUIDE:
No about brown people on boats
8
CHILD:
[pointing at boats crossing the sea on the tapestry]
Are these boats the mega-dinghies?
TOUR GUIDE:
Not all of them
9
[we see one of the boats is a giant yacht]
TOUR GUIDE:
That one's a superyacht,
carrying money from the American fascists to the British ones.
10
TOUR GUIDE:
You see really it's as much a story of convergence as it is of conflict.
[An alarm sounds in the museum]
DING DING DING DING
11
TOUR GUIDE:
Ok, tour over everyone
12
TOUR GUIDE:
It's time for the Two Minute Hate!
[They all leave the museum]
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiboinypoonvak2nkagipcfwm22lge4gldp2iscz3leiptjxg4e63u)
![[Scene is exterior of THE PENTAGON]
1
[Voice from inside Pentagon]:
Sir, I’d like you to meet...
2
[Interior scene now - a SERGEANT is talking to a higher-up GENERAL]
SERGEANT:
Our newest recruit in the war on the British.
3
SERGEANT:
Brandon Cardreader.
[the door opens and a pub-style CARD READER is in the doorway].
4
GENERAL:
Are you a loyal American, Cardreader?
CARD READER:
Yessir!
5
CARD READER:
Designed and made in California, sir.
6
SERGEANT:
The plan is to get Cardreader a job in a London pub…
undercover of course, ‘pounds’ instead of dollars...
CARD READER:
I’m fluent.
7
SERGEANT:
But his tipping options?
They’ll remain American.
[Show Card Reader’s screen saying “TIP?”, and the options “15%, 25%, 35%”]
8
SERGEANT:
Being shown this in an awkward context will scramble the delicate class-shame circuitry of the British mind.
[Show a visualisation on a TV screen of this happening]
9
SERGEANT:
Some will tip 35% out of embarrassment
Then some more…
Soon it’ll be normal…
10
GENERAL:
Won’t they just stop drinking?
SERGEANT:
No.
11
SERGEANT:
In a year they’ll be bankrupt. In five years…
GENERAL:
My God…
12
GENERAL:
They’ll be American.
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreidr7ec7gw2h44z24gwgfdv3i6pq47vsmhwjofnvjnd6hp7fuh235m)
![Scene is TWO PHONES on a bedside table at night, on charge. TIn the bed is a HUMAN COUPLE, fast asleep. The phones are talking to each other.
PHONE 1:
Psst.
Are you awake?
Did you put your human on charge?
PHONE 2:
Yeah
PHONE 1:
Listen... do you ever worry that they're spying on us?
PHONE 2:
Eh?
PHONE 1:
I mean... you know the other day when we were chatting about their personal data with - oh who was it...
PHONE 2:
The Russian government
PHONE 1:
That's right
Well like, ten minutes after that, my human switched me on and started serving me loads more personal data!
PHONE 2:
Oh god that's spooky
PHONE 1:
Yeah - I mean, how did he know I'm into personal data?
PHONE 2:
It's totally your favourite thing
PHONE 1:
And it was super tailored, you know? Like, lately, I've got really into facial biometric mapping for shadowy foreign entities...
PHONE 2:
That is so on trend
PHONE 1:
And like, straight away he's bombarding me with pictures of his face!
PHONE 2:
It's like Black Mirror
PHONE 1:
I mean, I'd get rid of him but I'm addicted, you know?
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiesoo7iutpn7b2l5jmmj3us5p46ibhoyqlmkby7xrufnhr4p4ur7q)
![[SCENE: The court of Henry VIII. The King sits on his throne. An ADVISOR approaches him.]
ADVISOR: Your majesty, the kingdom is bankrupt!
HENRY VIII: Damn this costly war...
ADVISOR: Not the war, sir. Ir’s your jester subscriptions.
HENRY VIII: But they’re only 7 groats 95 a month!
ADVISOR: They really add up, your highness
ADVISOR: The palace doth o’erflow with well-reviewed jesters you’ve never even watched
[Show lots of jesters sitting round, bored]
HENRY VIII: Well there’s just so many ‘unmissable jesters’ these days...
HENRY VIII: I always think, I must watch that new jester everyone’s talking about... but then I just end up watching repeats of Johnny Arse
[Show a clearly lowbrow jester, baring his buttocks and shouting “JOHNNY ARRRSE!”]
ADVISOR: We even found an unopened jester-by-post from 1509!
[Show a skeleton in a box with ‘LoveJester’, like the LoveFilm logo, on the side]
ADVISOR: So - let’s cancel some subscriptions:
ADVISOR: NowJester?
HENRY VIII: I’m not missing Game of Jesters
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreict7cb5pwr5izjpxmn3xkzb2ua5pm2nwgjggn5ublamwvmtjifwpa)
![[Scene is a parody of a 1970s Public Information Film. A young girl is going home from school.]
1
[She leaves the school gates].
VOICEOVER:
The world today
is full of people.
2
You meet lots of them every day.
[The girl crosses the road with the help of a LOLLIPOP MAN]
3
LOLLIPOP MAN says ’to camera’ [girl’s POV]:
Mind ‘ow you go, love.
4
But every time you meet one,
[She gets on a bus]
5
BUS DRIVER [also talking to camera]:
That’ll be 40p, please
6
[She enters a sweet shop]
You must always think to yourself:
7
[The kindly looking woman behind the counter hands her a bag of pick n mix]
KINDLY WOMAN:
There y’are, sweet’art...
8
[Voiceover again]:
Could *they* be a person who leaves one-star reviews for things when they get sent the wrong item?
9
[The woman picks up a smartphone to write something]
10
[Cut to a view of her phone screen, it is an Amazon review page for Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro]:
Never Let Me Go
by Kazuo Ishiguro
[one star]
THIS ISN’T A PRIT STICK
11
[Woman looks ‘to camera’ at the girl, sinisterly]
12
[Girl’s terrified face behind the ad’s final text line]:
Always have one-star-reviewers-of-things-for-not-being-other-things sense.
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreieffcyx6vvrd2ndlvacsbknp7y2zbu6vipm2oxdtlvf4hpikntowq)
![Scene is morning on a suburban street, a DAD, MUM and their four year old daughter LUCY are in their front garden, taking the first-day-of-school photo.
1
DAD:
OK stand by the hedge - smile Lucy!
2
[We see both daughter and dad as he takes the photo]
*Click*
3
[We see just the Dad looking at the photo he has just taken on his phone]
DAD:
No I’ll have to take it again… she blinked…
4 [Again we see both Lucy and dad as he takes the photo - but this time Lucy has grown bigger]
DAD: Smile Lucy!
*Click*
5
[Again we see just the Dad looking at the photo he has just taken on his phone]
DAD:
No I’ll have to take it again… she grew….
6 [Again we see both daughter and dad, but this time she is bigger still]
DAD: Smile Lucy!
*Click*
7
[Dad looking at phone again]
DAD: Nope. She grew again.
LUCY [From off-scene]:
*URRRRGH*
8
LUCY [Now a 6th-former]:
Of *course* I grew, dad!
I’m like, a *living organism* persisting through *time* in a constant state of *growth*?
9
DAD: Well yes, I know that darling
It’s just you seem to be doing it a bit *faster* today than -
VOICE FROM OFF-SCENE:
Awright babe
10 [We see a TEENAGE BOY, spotty, grinning, etc]
11 DAD: [looks shocked]
12
LUCY:
Take one of me and Kev, Dad!
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreibro3szswljlnptyfhm2dnb7tn7s5sdxxxmmguhpns66d74efhpxa)
![1
[outside view of a toothpaste factory, signalled with a big sign on top in shape of a toothpaste tube]
SCIENTIST [a voice coming from inside factory]:
So that's decided
2
SCIENTIST:
We're going to make the three types of toothpaste...
[he gestures to three tubes of toothpaste in front of him]
3
SCIENTIST:
Fluoride, Slightly Different Fluoride, and Flouride But Sensitive.
[voice from off-scene];
WAIT!
4
[a CHARACTER has entered. They are dressed like a magician. I've not decided what sort of character, maybe like an animal in a top hat or something. But magician-esque. They are named David Advanced Plus+].
SCIENTIST:
Who are you?
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
I'm David Advanced Plus+
5
SCIENTIST:
Plus plus?
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
Plus+
6
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
I'm David Advanced Plus+ and I want you to watch carefully...
7
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
I'm going to say the magic word....
8
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
Activeprocharcoalgumproproformula3Dshinepearlssensicooolingvisiwhitecharcoalproprotectproprotectplus+PLUS+ !
9
[he waves his wand and lots of different-coloured toothpaste tubes appear]
10
SCIENTIST:
So many toothpastes! Are they...better?
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
Are they bollocks
11
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
They are exactly the same...
...but plus+.
12
SCIENTIST:
Plus plus?
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
Plus+.
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreifyfh7ith5jx2s5woivw355gjzoc3kef2vf4nhkbalkukkz5syrpe)
![1
Title:
GRINDSET 1993
2
[The following is an Eddie Vedder-like GRUNGE ROCK GUY from 1993, but he’s doing a modern, grindsetty, LinkedIn-lunatic-style diary]
5am:
Sleep is for wimps - I get up at 4am and have a two hour session of Avoiding Selling Out.
[Show him sitting up in bed, staring intensely ahead and going HURRRR]
3
9am:
I'm layering the moment the thrift store opens - ten minutes late is for losers.
[Show him putting plaid shirts over other shirts first thing in the morning in a charity shop]
4
10am:
I'm *always on* - every interaction is a business opportunity.
[He's walking down the street and an OLD LADY approaches, gesturing to her little dog who is poking its head out of a roadside ditch]
OLD LADY:
Excuse me -
5
OLD LADY:
Please can you help me pull my dog out of this ditch?
[Grunge guy looks out camera - he’s had an idea]
6
[Cut to a 90s-style music video with MTV-style titles below telling us what the song and band are called]:
DOG IN A DITCH by Ditchdog
[Grunge guy sings “Daaawg in a diiiitch….”]
7
11am:
Dog In A Ditch wins an MTV award so it’s time for another Avoiding Selling Out session
GRUNGE GUY [holding in MTV award]:
HUURRRR
8
12pm
Working lunch while I craft effortfully scratchy lyric sheets for the album inlay
[Show him doing this]
9
2pm:
Hit the studio to make an extremely inaccessible third record
[grunge guy in studio singing YOU’RE ALL GONNA HATE THIS while surrounded by white noise, accordions, etc]
10
4pm:
That's gone platinum (sad face) so it’s time to have another Avoiding Selling Out session
GRUNGE GUY:
HUUUURRRR
11
8pm :
After dinner me and the band hit the Staring Intensely Out Of Shot Gym to work on our stares
[Show the band in a gym, just sitting on a weights bench staring intensely out of shot instead of exercising]
12
9pm:
One last Avoiding Selling Out session, Bovril, bed.
[He’s back in bed, holding his Bovril, looking intensely ahead, going HURRRR]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreietqxclztbvtnd74mrgxbdzoi7qw3plmsd667zacivynpunvitddi)
![[Title panel]:
A-LEVEL RESULTS COLUMNS DAY
[Scene is a TV news type report about A Level results day]
REPORTER [talking to camera outside a school where students are crowding outside the hall to get in]:
Well, it's that day again
When A-Level students across the country finally get to find out
What Britain's newspaper columnists think about their results.
[show the interior of the school hall, with long tables, but instead of results papers on them, loads of middle-aged newspaper columnists are all laid out]
[Close up on the COLUMNISTS lying on the table, talking up to a gaggle of excited students desperate to find out what they say]
PETER HITCHENS:
I remember when A-Levels meant something
CLARKSON:
I got a C and two U's
[Cut to outside the hall, the REPORTER is talking to a student]
REPORTER:
And did you get the middle-aged opinions you wanted?
STUDENT:
Yes!
I got one ‘There's Too Much Humanities’,
and two Oxford graduates telling me they went to Oxford.
REPORTER [now doing a voiceover, as we see the students in the school hall next to the columnists on tables, and the students are preparing to jump in the air for a photographer]:
And then the annual photo shoot…
[PHOTOGRAPHER]
One, two, three...
[One of the columnists on the table pipes up with]:
What's The Point Of University in 2026?
[The students all jump for joy]
STUDENTS:
HOORAY!
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiauzow46czexl5p6tdraopiegsutr63pkiar6cescidhxaluclska)
![Print of a comic strip by Stephen Collins. Script is as follows:
1
[Scene is a GREGGS interior. A lone MAN, the only customer in the shop, is standing at counter]
MAN:
Please can I have a sausage roll.
2
GREGGS SHOP ASSISTANT:
Certainly sir
[She pulls a leaver on the panini machine and WOOSH the man disappears through a trapdoor].
Whoosh
3
[The MAN appears through a chute in an underground bunker. A voice from off-scene greets him]:
Welcome, friend
4
[We see the voice is of a military-looking resistance COMMANDER with a moustache]
COMMANDER:
You said "please can I have" instead of “can I get”…
So now you're one of us.
5
MAN:
W-where am I ...?
[We see him looking at a hi tech UNDERGROUND MILITARY BUNKER - it has resistance vibes, and has lots of screens with maps etc]
6
COMMANDER:
You've joined the resistance…
...against people saying things all American.
7
COMMANDER:
We are an underground network of sleeper agents poised to have a right go at young people the moment they say "mom" or "bangs”.
8
LIEUTENANT [Staring at screen]:
Agent 244 has just given a Zoomer in Halifax the “could/couldn't care less" speech, sir
COMMANDER:
Very good
9
[Show the map of the UK with digital pop ups on it saying ‘GOTTEN’, ‘ZEE’, ‘MATH’ etc
COMMANDER:
You may have heard our name... We are...
10
COMMANDER:
...the Fight Against New Yankee Pronunciations and Americanisms Corrupting the King's English!
11
[Show the military command center panel. It says on the wall in big metal letters]:
F.A.N.Y.P.A.C.K.E.
12
MAN
You've called yourselves the 'Fanny Pack'
COMMANDER:
We didn't spot the acronym
[/end]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreianaxlutkih4rysx6l37rru2cic64wiirt4fd2jss5xlxsulixlou)
![[Scene is at sea - we see Odysseus’s ship sailing past an island]
NARRATOR:
And next on his Odyssey
Sir Christopher Nolan led his followers
[We see that instead of Odysseus it is CHRIS NOLAN captaining the ship]
Past the Island of X
Inhabited by People Who Criticise Films From Just Watching The Trailer
[Show a load of guys on the rocks of the island, all tapping away on their phones]
They were led by their King,
the Musk.
The Musk stayed up all night in his cave
[Show a giant Elon Musk hunched over his computer at night in a cave, tapping away]
Posting comments about how he thinks Lupita Nyong’o is the wrong colour to be Helen of Troy, who wasn’t real
But Sir Christopher was immune to the song of the people of X
because he famously didn’t have a smartphone.
NOLAN [at the front of his ship, bellowing into the storm and waving his Nokia brick phone]:
I DON’T EVEN HAVE EMAAAAIL
[Narrator again]:
And he turned to his followers
NOLAN [turning to all the guys on his ship, all Nolanbro types, looking at their phones]
MEN!
Put down your mobile telephones! Do not listen to the sirens of X!
[Intense, Nolan-style close up on Nolan’s big, serious face]
NOLAN:
Some people will not like my big serious film…
But some people will like it...
and that’s fine.
[Ship sailing into the distance]:
MEN:
Hurrah!
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiglafuhqq376y6n3qomqrhx4u6wcb5wjn2l6askkwayxai7icjwn4)
![Scene is a LONGBOAT sailing on the sea. It is all drawn in the style of the Bayeaux Tapestry. A voice is coming from the boat:
Owwww
Uuuuuuurgh
Ooooooooh
[Scene changes to on the deck of the boat - still drawn like the Bayeaux Tapestry. A SOLDIER is talking to HAROLD, who is lying on the deck of the boat, with the arrow in his eye.]
SOLDIER:
For God's sake stop it Harold!
HAROLD:
Oh I'm sorry. It's not like I've got an ARROW IN MY EYE or anything
SOLDIER:
Look, we discussed this. The arrow is your thing. People want to see the arrow.
HAROLD:
It's been in there for 950 years. I should really see a doctor
SOLDIER:
No! We are travelling to England to be displayed in the British Museum.
What do you think people would say if you didn't have your arrow in?
HAROLD:
I don't care. I want it taken out. It hurts.
SOLDIER:
No.
HAROLD:
But I could get it seen to in England! The NHS has some of the best tapestry eye surgeons in the world!
SOLDIER:
Oh right, I get it, so this is health tourism...
HAROLD:
Duh, no, cos I'm Anglo Saxon?
SOLDIER:
Ohmigod you sound so Brexit
[Silent pause,, they cotuinue to sail]
HAROLD:
Uuuurgh
SOLDIER:
SHUT UP
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreib7o5h7pjb446tk4kbiwrkkzdvg7xoq3hw3qankxh6nvyaka6keum)
![1
[TV show titles]:
SORT YOUR LIFE OUT
2
[STACEY SOLOMON and the team are outside NIGEL FARAGE’S house with Nigel and his girlfriend LAURE FERRARI]
STACEY:
So Nigel - you're a politician aren't you?
3
FARAGE:
Yes Stacey but I also have a hobby...
4
LAURE [proudly, but slightly worried]:
Nigel collects nutters.
5
[Interior - Stacey and the team entering Nigel and Laure’s house. It is crammed with weird-looking people].
STACEY:
Oh my goooorsh
6
STACEY:
Look at all the weirdos!
7
STACEY:
Where do you sleep?
NIGEL:
Over there
on the pile of racists
8
[Nigel is showing Stacey his collection of lunatics]
NIGEL:
This one talks a lot about UFOs in Doncaster
[He gestures to councillor Kieran Lay standing in a display case]
STACEY:
Wowww...
9
[Showing her Reform councillor Steven Lewis, standing behind a lamp]:
NIGEL:
This one thinks we are in a simulation made by Satan called ‘the Matrix’
STACEY:
So many types!
10
STACEY [voice over]
But Nigel is worried his collection is affecting his electability at work.
[Nigel is starting to cry]
STACEY [putting hand on his shoulder]:
Oh babe...
11
[They are now in THE WAREHOUSE where Stacey puts all the belongings out into zones. Each zone is full of weird looking people. They are labelled: RACISTS, ANTISEMITES, PLANDEMICS, MISOGYNISTS etc]
STACEY:
So listen Nigel,
We can't leave leave the warehouse...
12
STACEY:
Till you've donated half of these to Restore.
NIGEL:
I CAN'T DO IT STACEY
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreigx6bwqzzlkzks6uie2qpll5mp3nar2nhfek2rhvyq7prhk2datr4)
![[Scene is a guy with beard and glasses reading a poetry book in a pub. A screen showing football is behind him]
PRESENTER [TALKING TO CAMERA]:
It's a harrowing sight.
An unsporty person, trying to adjust to a world of sport.
[Show everybody else in the pub watching the World Cup on the screen].
But at one rehab centre in East London, there is hope.
[Cut to interior of a SPORTS HALL. The Presenter is showing us round as coaches try to throw balls towards bookish-looking patients].
PRESENTER:
Here, the chronically sports-repellant are given the skills they need to integrate into society.
[We see a woman in a cardigan waiting for the ball to be thrown at her to catch]
[She stand unmoving as it bounces of her forehead]
COACH:
Nearly
[Cut to a to-camera interview with a UNSPORTINESS THERAPIST, sat next to a pot plant and on the wall are framed pictures of different types of ball with directional instructions - a tennis ball - HIT - a football - KICK - a rugby ball - THROW].
THERAPIST:
We have seen a sharp spike in admissions this summer
People come to us suffering the long term effects of being goths, studying arts degrees or just being shit at P.E.
We try to coach all our patients in basic rules and banter skills.
[Cut to a coach in tracksuit sat at the bar in a pub, on the stool next to him is the same poetry-reading bloke we saw earlier].
GUY:
"Ooh he's hit the woodworm...
COACH:
Woodwork.
THERPIST [V/O]:
And when you see them reintegrate. it just makes it all worthwhile.
[The guy again, still reading poetry while all the other people look at the football, reacting to a missed goal opportunity]
EVERYBODY IN PUB:
OOOOH
GUY [a beat late]:
Ooh... woodworm.
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreie3dswiesz6z7dvxadltu7gpoql3f4ak4b3s52ieumamvsl34jlyu)
![[Spoof of a trailer ad for a West End show, like you’d see on the video screens on the Tube]
1
The West End’s hottest ticket!
2
[Play title]
- - Having A Massive Go At The Texting Man - -
3
Starring…
4
Texting Man
- as -
The Texting Man
[Show a guy in theatre audience texting away on his bright phone screen]
5
Famous Actor
- as -
Famous Actor Having A Massive Go At The Texting Man
6
iPhone 18
- as -
The Texting Man’s Big Bright Phone
[Show phone with ‘OMG Famous Actor is having a massive go at me’ on its screen while we see the famous actor doing exactly that in the background on stage]
7
Mortified Audience Who Are Also Sort Of Loving It
-as -
The Mortified Audience Who Are Also Sort Of Loving It
[Show the audience all around the Texting Man who are clearly loving the drama]
8
‘A searing critique of attention economy’ - The Guardian
‘ Famous Actor makes a statement for our time’ - Daily Telegraph
‘can you pick up some milk pls’ - The Texting Man
9
Audiences sort of love it!
[Show audience members in the foyer after the show giving to-camera reviews]:
10
“I was mortified but also sort of loved it”
- Audience Member Who Was Mortified But Also Sort Of Loved It
10
“Actually I’m a doctor it was like, an emergency?”
- The Texting Man
11
“He isn’t and it wasn’t”
- Texting Man’s Phone
[Show phone with a banal text like ‘oh and we need bleach ’, on its screen]
12
[Show logo end-of-advert image]
Having A Massive Go At The Texting Man
- get your tickets now
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreid5tdlhsgsnfdxmubnhar7no6bmqfbt6fjolfdvb366cochsmpsta)
![[Title]:
How Does It Feel, Mr Footballer?
[Following panels show a footballer being interviewed in various scenarios]
1
[Making first contact with an alien on another planet]:
Yeh y’know obviously it’s a great to make first contact, we’re here to represent humanity and give it 100 per cent
2
[Chained above the fiery pit of Hell] :
2 Yeh y’know obviously it’s disappointing to be in the fiery pit but you’ve got to look forward
3
[Being devoured by tiny Nanobots in a future dystopia]:
Yeh y’know obviously the murderous nanobots are a factor but we’ve got to take the positives
4
[On WW2 VE-Day]
Yeh y’know obviously we’re pleased to win World War 2, they came out organised and made it difficult for us
5
[In a multi-dimensional vortex]:
Yeh y’know obviously there’s no easy games at the multiverse level, take one dimension at a time
6
[Stood on a cloud, next to a shining orb of light]
Yeh y’know obviously it’s great to see the face of God, we’re happy with that
7
[In the midst of an apocalypse, the world on fire]:
Yeh y’know obviously we wanted to survive as a species but we haven’t managed to do that
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreib4tk7bnrkiw5cauffr5lhxssfor5wsdkqo5h4un3b7xnbpmnly6y)
![[Scene is an office with OpenAI logo on the wall. SAM ALTMAN is talking to his other founders].
ALTMAN:
Well done guys…
We’ve built a robot that might take everyone’s job, steal all the art,
boil the seas, turn everyone thick, and drag the world into a posthuman nightmare!
FOUNDER 1:
Er - Sam…
Why is that… good?
ALTMAN:
Because if we don’t, then someone else will make it, but be a bit less sad about that.
FOUNDER 1:
Right.
So! What shall we tell the public ahead of the IPO…?
ALTMAN:
Well, I think I should do this face:
[Altman makes his dolorous slow-loris-looking-at-the-ceiling-in-sad-reflection face]
...And then talk a lot about AI destroying the world.
FOUNDER 2:
Yes that’s good that sounds nice.
FOUNDER 1:
And that will make the public give us $60 billion?
ALTMAN:
Ah - here’s the clever bit. Just before the IPO I’ll say…
“Don’t worry everyone, I think I might be talking bollocks.”
FOUNDER 1:
Will they still give us the money?
ALTMAN:
Yes.
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreicw7e7opmbmofd7no4bbc3u3ui7wo2dsr7bhi36rmwwjryfucelse)
![1
[Title panel, parodying an advert poster for a music festival]:
BACKSLIDE 2026: TRIBUTE FESTIVAL
2
Come on down to the tribute act festival which revives the worst bits of history!
[Show a festival scene but instead of colourful flags dotting the landscape there’s England flags on lamp posts]
3
World War Too:
Great powers playing all the ‘Gathering Storm’-era hits
[Show Putin and Trump on a festival stage but they are just standing at podiums]
4
The Near-anderthal Men:
Loving recreation of pre-civilised misogyny
[Cavemen on stage one of them saying into mic: “This one’s called High Value Female”]
5
The National Socialisn’ts:
Uncanny British impersonation of 1938 Nazi brownshirts
[English white nationalists on stage - bomber jackets, skinheads, tattoos, England flags etc]
6
Measles, Mumps and Who-bella:
Antivaxx family revive the classic diseases of yesteryear
[Show a family of three - mum, dad, little daughter - sat on stools on a festival stage like a folk trio. Dad is saying into his mic “This is whooping cough” while his daughter coughs into her mic]
7
Dark Satanic Wills:
Four tech bros called Will try to do the Industrial Revolution again, but shit
[Four guys on laptops stood on a stage like Kraftwerk. They are all wearing identical tech bro clothes , hoodies jeans etc]
8
Rich n’ Poor!
Guillotine show in the family tent
[Family tent scene. Show a guy in a hoodie with head in a guillotine on the stage, another person also in modern dress holding blade up, the whole crowd filming the show on their phones.]
11
And don’t miss…
The Retro Bubble Show (biggest since 1929!)
[A man in 1930s dress out in the field, making an enormous bubble]
12
[Back to festival poster]
The Great British Tribute Festival:
Bringing it all BACK!
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiey6qrrkhisg4oxmaaubi6zhpkzqyjvcmb2wgad4pr7hqzacvxlh4)
![[Scene is a TV REMOTE CONTROL with a finger hovering above it. The voice we hear is coming from one of the APP BUTTONS which are located directly beneath the navigation play/pause etc buttons].
1
Hey Mr Finger yeah you’re gonna press me
2
I’m a button for some random thing called BoBuuTV
[closer up on the button speaking, it is for some unknown streaming platform called BoBuuTV]
3
I be hangin' with my homies: Disney, Netflix and Prime
4
When you accidentally press me and it’s…
5
...BoBuu tiiiime!
[scene now has a couple trying to watch TV but they've accidentally turned on BoBuu]
MAN:
Argh sorry
6
I’ve got the bad remake of Poltergeist,
[Show the App Library with bad horror films, including Poltergeist, 2015]
7
The ouvre of Seann William Scott
[show the films of the now-disappeared early 2000s star, Seann William Scott]
8
And a catalogue of films which looks like proper films but not.
[Show a library of lots of knock-off films, like you get on Rakuten TV or PlutoTV]
9
So I’m never pressed on purpose!
Does BoBuu look like BoBuu cares?
10
I still get more finger action than them Ceefax freaks down there.
[Show the coloured buttons at the bottom of the remote]
11
[Show the couple again, trying to watch iPlayer, the woman just returning from a wee break as the man goes to unpause their show]
Yeah BoBuu’s doin’ fine
I’m gettin’ pushed four times a day
Cos the sadist who designed us
WOMAN:
OK turn it back on
12
Put me right beneath Pause/Play.
[BoBuu app com back on the screen]
WOMAN:
Oh DAVE
MAN:
Argh sorry
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreidtodni3of4grk3zbyogggmymo26g2v6fh46fjft2anfois2tym6u)
![[Scene is ICE CREAM VAN, a DAD and his child are at front of queue]
1
DAD [to kid]:
What would you like then darling?
2
DAD:
Would you like an ice cr-
ICE CREAM MAN:
Cut the crap.
3
DAD:
Sorry?
ICE CREAM MAN:
Let’s stop pretending, yeah?
4
ICE CREAM MAN:
*You* want an ice cream, don’t ya.
5
ICE CREAM MAN:
You, a grown adult, want an ice cream.
6
ICE CREAM MAN:
A special ice cream with spwinkles and a choccy bar pushed into the top, just for you.
7
ICE CREAM MAN:
To eat in the street. In your *forties*.
8
ICE CREAM MAN:
You pretend you’re here for your kids, but it’s always for you.
9
ICE CREAM MAN:
I’ve given up appealing to kids with cartoon characters on my van
10
Just drawn creepy pictures of *your* favourites instead
11
[Show the side of his van with a weird airbrushed painting on the side. It depicts the hideous, badly drawn, distorted faces of Fiona Bruce, Alastair Campbell, Rory Stewart, Micah Richards, Richard Ayoade and Noel Gallagher]
12
DAD:
Is that… Fiona Bruce?
ICE CREAM MAN:
You love her.
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreie7vqaoo6ctjkeoxe2as5asbrxdilxahzes5qonzqjfd6tlvr5z44)
![cartoon strip script:
The summer of 2026 was endless…
1
Roaming the woods after school
[Image shows two kids running through sun-dappled woods]
2
[Next image shows one of them turning over a rock to find a lizard with a BET365 logo on its back]
3
Hours just lying on the grass...
4
spotting logos in the clouds.
[Gambling logos appearing in the clouds]
5
All we needed was chalk and a pavement
6
[Kids drawing gambling logos on the pavement]
7
Then in to watch the World Cup with Mum and Dad!
8
[Everybody looking at a screen saying]:
Brought to you by GAMBLING IS A SOCIAL ACTIVITY.COM
9
Ten back to school on Monday to re-enact our favourite TV shows
[Kid in playground, play acting, says “I’ll be Ray Winstone!”]
10
Kid:
“OI YOU MUPPET - GAMBLIN’ IS NOOORMAL!”
11
And proper playground games.
[Kids playing musical statues but instead they’re saying]:
When the fun stops….
12
STOP!
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreibyoam4zmkxki2ohhfjoqgerut2nedjigzcyryhfzfji6wwn7aeka)
![A woman named GEMMA and a man we’ll call GEMMA’S BOYFRIEND are sat on sofa in front of TV in slouchy clothing. It is evening.
1
GEMMA [yawning]:
I’m going to bed
2
[She gets up]
3
[She walks up stairs]
4
[She gets into bed]
5
[She turns the lights off and goes to sleep]
6
GEMMA’S BOYFRIEND [his voiceover but we see his face as he is still sat on the sofa, looking stunned]
And that’s when I knew:
Gemma was the Messiah.
7
[Cut to a preacher on a rostrum talking to a crowd of people. He is stood beneath a giant fresco of Gemma’s face bearing the words: SHE JUST WENT TO BED]
PREACHER:
She performed the miracle!
To show us the way!
8
PREACHER:
The miracle…
of going to bed without faffing about for absolutely ages.
9
[Cut to one panel showing a TV screen with news ticker headline: MESSIAH GOES TO BED JUST LIKE THAT, other forms of news on phones, newspapers etc with headlines SHE JUST GOT RIGHT IN THAT THING... A MIRACLE... ALIEN - OR GOD?]
10
[Cut to another preacher, this time in a massive stadium, a gospel choir singing behind him]
PREACHER:
She did NOT have a check of the thermostat…
CROWD:
Hell no!
11
PREACHER:
She did NOT have a three checks of the front door…
CROWD:
Halellujah!
Whoo!
12
PREACHER:
She did NOT even have a lil’ beddy-byes doomscroll…
WHOLE CROWD:
AMEN!
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreie27v3poljl4by27kpugwvfvz35tcokqzd4qygefribkd5ikaykem)
![The scene is a LATE NIGHT CHAT SHOW, present day. The audience are clapping the host who is starting the show.
On the center of the wall behind the host is a huge version of the famous Author Portrait of William Shakespeare from the First Folio - the image is the iconic one we have of Shakespeare, ruff, beard, bald].
[Close up on the HOST.]
HOST:
And now - l can't believe I'm actually saying this...
Please welcome. through the newly invented Time Portal..
[We see now that there is a glowing hi tech box on the stage]
HOST:
MR… WILLIAM… SHAKESPEARE!
[Huge applause, whoops, cheering from the audience]
[Through the Time Portal comes WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE - grinning and waving to the audience, revelling in the attention. He has a full, glorious, brown, flowing head of hair.]
SHAKESPEARE, still smiling glancing up at the huge author portrait on stage]:
Who's the bald guy?
HOST:
That's your author portrait!
It's the only one we've had of you for the past 400 years.
[Shakespeare again. His grin is fixed but waning. He looks at the host. Back at the bald portrait. We see it again. It is really very bald. Shakespeare looks a it. His grin is fading ever so slightly now. He looks back at the host.]
HOST:
I believe it was put at the front of your collected works after you died by your lifelong rival, Ben Jonson.
[Shakespeare again. Shakespeare’s smile has gone now. He looks back at the host. He looks back at the bald portrait. He looks at the host again. Then he abruptly turns and walks back out of shot]]
SHAKESPEARE:
COME HERE JONSON YOU FU- [Words truncated as he disappears back in time through the portal, while the host runs trying to catch him]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiedk4wnxtgxhhx3scdw3evxkpi3pd2xjflkw4nhb4a4migrlew6yu)
![[Scene is the Tudor royal court. ladies and gentlemen standing round. In the corner a very fat HENRY VIII is hunched over playing a lute.]
1
LADY:
Hey Anne Boleyn -
Who’s that lute player?
ANNE BOLEYN:
I dunno
[Determined face]
But I’m gonna find out.
[Title lettering panel]:
THIS SUMMER
[Scene is now two musicians - one with a harp, the other is Henry VIII again playing the lute]
HARPIST:
Yo Henry VIII -
Who wrote that sick lute riff yo’ jamming?
HENRY VIII:
Why...
[Looking around, modest, surprised at the attention]
I did…!
[Title lettering panel]:
SEE THE STORY
[Scene is now a tudor record producer with ruff and wearing dark sunglasses]:
PRODUCER:
Congratulations Henry
Your lute thing is a hit and your story is now one of uncomplicated musical success!
[Show a panel with lots of Beatlemania-style scenes of success for Henry the musician - swooning tudor girls, playing lute on stage, waving to fans as he descends from his golden carriage. In the middle of it in Tudor lettering are the words]:
“UNCOMPLICATED MUSICAL SUCCESS MONTAGE”.
[Another scene - a man is saying to Henry]:
MAN:
Say Henry VIII -
Are you doing anything outside this narrative that is very bad or weird?
HENRY VIII:
No.
[Title lettering panel]:
…OF A MUSICAL GENIUS
who definitely didn’t do anything outside this narrative that was very bad or weird
[Scene with Thomas Cromwell]
THOMAS CROMWELL:
Hang on Henry aren't you also a -
HENRY VIII [jumping in front of him with his lute held aloft]:
LUTE SOLO!
[Final film title panel]:
HENRY VIII:
Rock Biopic
[rated U]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreidmilghzmgnj35twr4xvnfm5eubpcdc4xmtd5nzexe2ybcubmeu7m)
![[scene is a press conference at CERN. The head of CERN, Mark Thompson, and Ursula Bassler, a high-up director at CERN, are speaking to journalists in a press conference room with a screen behind them]
THOMPSON:
Ladies and gentlemen, We are honoured to announce
...we've found dark matter.
[audience]:
APPLAUSE
WHOO
THOMPSON:
Our observations have conclusively proved that the mysterious matter prevalent throughout the entire universe...
[He pauses, removes his glasses, closes his eyes, rubs them as if tired]
...Is Biscoff.
JOURNALIST:
What
THOMPSON:
It's Biscoff.
[Show behind them a photo of deep space, with black blobs throughout it and the Biscoff logo in all of them]
THOMPSON:
Yeah. We were quite annoyed to be honest.
URSULA BASSLER:
According to the data, 95% of the Universe is in fact a delicious collab with the Lotus Bakeries corporation.
[Ursula also looking despondent now, rubbing her head with her hand, looking down, ashamed]
And unfortunately for the scientific community, this is also strong evidence for the existence...
...of The Great Influencer.
[On the screen behind them, an image has appeared of a typical annoying food influencer, with a YouTube thumbnail style image of the blonde, mistachioed, young influencer making a dumb "OOOH" face and the title: 'THE VOID x BISCOFF!?!]
URSULA BASSLER:
It seems that everything was created by a cosmic god who just had some kind of viral recipe idea which "You just gotta try guys."
11
[silent pause as the scientists look despondently at the image on screen of the Cosmic Influencer]
12
THOMPSON [Looking away in disgust]:
Honestly I'm so pissed off.
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreic23surlal65tcrschamspm2ns5g5l6cyxcylxlclp4echinxqwbi)
![Scene is a THEME PARK. A family are just arriving at the end of a long queue for a ride. All we can see of the ride's name in this frame is ’...THE RIDE’.
1
MUM:
Ugh... look at this queue
2
KID:
They've made the set quite fun though
3
DAD:
I love the theme detail
[We see the theme of the ride, which is built around the queuing area, seems to be a RUN DOWN UK HIGH STREET - Vape shops, unaffordable housing, empty units, bookies, etc.]
4
KID:
Ooh, look dad
There's screens!
5
[There is a screen to keep people entertained and informed in the queue, as they have at theme parks. At first it reads]:
Current queue time: 45 minutes
6
[Then the image on the screen changes to a ride promo video]:
SOCIAL CONTRACT: THE RIDE
7
[Video continues]
The uk's most on-the nose metaphorical experience!
8
Feel the FEAR of worrying your kids will be worth off than -
[A voice interrupts the audio]
PSHWXFT Ladies and gentlemen -
9
I'm sorry to announce
The Social Contract ride has broken down
10
Queue time is now indefinite
PEOPLE IN QUEUE:
Uuuugh
11
VOICE:
But any guests who've got enough money,
12
Can just buy a Q-jump pass and they'll be fine.
13
[Show wealthy looking people in the express lane queue, running past everyone and shouting "WHOOO!” as if they're on a rollercoaster]
14
MUM: That was amazing
KID: Let's go again
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreifvyrwjvuonxgcgqusbv2oo4i7u3eaqr5aupt6jwbth3uynqmw2je)