spintaxi.bsky.social
@spintaxi.bsky.social
Steve Sarkisian Refuses to Execute Colin Simmons at Midfield, Sports Internet Demands Accountability
Texas Longhorns Coach Disciplines Player, Wins Game, Still Fails Nation's New Requirement That Every Mistake Become a Three-Day
bohiney.com/steve-sarkisian-refuses… SAVE Database: Washington Discovers the Search Button
Nation Stunned as Federal Computers Discover They Can Retrieve Information Already Stored Inside Them
WASHINGTON — American technological leadership entered a breathtaking new era Friday when Washington discov
bohiney.com/save-database Texas Star Colin Simmons Condemns “Look at Me” Society After Personally Introducing 102,000 People to His Imaginary Urinal
Longhorns defensive star records five sacks, one bathroom pantomime and the fastest transition from All-American
bohiney.com/texas-star-colin-simmon… Mole People Are Real: New York Finally Discovers a Workforce Willing to Commute Below the Subway
Two alleged sewer scavengers were arrested after emerging from beneath Manhattan, forcing scientists to reconsider whether New Yorkers have finally evolved arou
bohiney.com/mole-people-are-real Ella Langley Out-Headlines Trump During the Xi Jinping Visit
How Six Words From an Alabama Country Star Beat a Presidential Summit for America's Attention
WASHINGTON, D.C.
bohiney.com/ella-langley-out-headli… Terry Bradshaw Torches Retirement Talk With Ten Blistering Comebacks
The Hall of Fame quarterback proves he can still forget a name faster than America forgets a grudge
LOS ANGELES — Terry Bradshaw stood in front of a Fox Sports camera th
bohiney.com/terry-bradshaw-torches-… CNN, Politico Sue to Get Back Into the Building They Got Kicked Out Of, Demand Taxpayers Fund Their Feelings
Media outlets that spent a decade calling the president illegitimate are now suing becausehe won't let them stand in his driveway
bohiney.com/cnn-politico-sue-over-w… Wall Street Watches Trump-Xi Summit, Economists Replace Forecast Models With 'Well, Let's See What Happens'
Two presidents meet, several trillion dollars politely pretend not to be nervous
NEW YORK — Financial markets are preparing for this week's meeting betwe
bohiney.com/trump-xi-summit Federal Government Sets $100,000 H-1B Fee, Human Resources Department Begins Checking Couch Cushions
Hiring an overseas specialist now includes the optional luxury package
WASHINGTON — The Trump administration has extended restrictions requiring
bohiney.com/government-sets-100000-… Las Vegas Campaign Turns on 'No Tax on Tips,' Bartenders Discover Congress Finally Studying Subject They Understand
Washington discovers the economic power of the jar beside the cash register
LAS VEGAS — Nevada's congressional campaign has found the rare politic
bohiney.com/no-tax-on-tips Supreme Court Blocks Last-Minute Mail-Ballot Rules, Postal Service Returns to Traditional Election Role of Losing Something Else
America once again asks the mailman to carry democracy without bendingthe envelope
WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court has temporarily
bohiney.com/mail-ballot-rules The Left vs Arch Manning
After One AI-Video Controversy, College Football Discovers the Safest Athlete Is Apparently a Piece of Load-Bearing Masonry
The transformation of Arch Manning from cheerful college quarterback into reinforced co
bohiney.com/press-turns-arch-mannin… Austin Left Discovers Spontaneous Protest Works Best When Scheduled in Advance
Socialist Groups Reportedly Coordinate "Spontaneous" Anti-ICE Demonstration, Finally Bringing Central Planning to Spontaneity
Political activists in Aus
bohiney.com/spontaneous-protest-wor… The Ideological War Between Capitalism and Socialism Has Apparently Been Settled by Whoever Understands Instagram Better
Marx Wanted Workers to Control the Means of Production; His Followers Now Mainly Need the Password to th
bohiney.com/the-ideological-war-bet… New York Times Praises a Catholic Politician Who Skips Mass — Good Thing He's Not American
The same paper that spent years agonizing over whether Joe Biden deserved Communion has decided a lapsed British Catholic prime
bohiney.com/new-york-times-praises-… Cancel Culture Fires Ella Langley, Her Career Ignores It
The internet declared the job over; nobody remembered to tell Billboard or the CMA
NASHVILLE — A pocket of online criticism has effectively declared Ella Langley's career finished, most recently in reaction to re
bohiney.com/?p=45137 Kennedy Center Closes for Repairs, Washington Responds by Turning Maintenance Into Constitutional Theater
$257 million renovation discovers the only thing harder than fixing a 55-year-old building isexplaining why everybody in Washington sudden
bohiney.com/kennedy-center-closes-f… Football Fans Demand Holly Rowe Apologize for Arch Manning's Apology as America Enters Infinite Regret Loop
Laura Ingraham Calls the Apology Drama "Absurd" as ESPN Reportedly Wants a Video Apology Too
Football fans across the country r
bohiney.com/football-fans-demand-ho… China Assigns Jane Eyre to Teenagers After Government Determines Even Falling in Love Requires a Curriculum
Beijing Turns to Victorian Britain After Modern Romance Fails Quality Control Inspection
China has apparently located one aspect of
bohiney.com/china-assigns-jane-eyre… Trump's White House Press Ban Leaves CNN, MS NOW and Politico Standing on the Sidewalk
Washington's press corps tests whether the White House press ban can keep the actual White House from being seenat all
American journalism en
bohiney.com/cnn-ms-now-and-politico… TikTok Detectives Solve the Clancy Case Using Vibes, Body Language and a Netflix Degree
Amateur TikTok investigators unveil their groundbreaking forensic method: He Looked Weird to Me
America's rapidly expanding community of unlicensed h
bohiney.com/tiktok-detectives-solve… California High-Speed Rail Finally Reaches 220 MPH, Unfortunately Only on Consultant Expense Reports
State celebrates historic transportation achievement as paperwork arrives in Sacramento several decades ahead of passengers
C
bohiney.com/california-high-speed-r… China's Feminists Discover Government Censorship Is Basically Scrabble With Police
MeToo retreats into private rooms, coded language and cultural events as authorities apparently attempt the ancient bureaucratic strategy of defeat
bohiney.com/chinas-feminists-discov… Billionaire's Daughter Commits Unforgivable Musical Offense: People Like Her Song
Internet Investigators Discover Singer Had Money, a Marketing Team and a Disturbingly Functional Career Plan
America's volunteer music d
bohiney.com/stella-lefty-billionair… Euphoria Cast Discusses Sydney Sweeney Nudity, America Insists It Was Watching Entirely for the Character Development
HBO Viewers Confirm They Have Always Been Deeply Interested in the Sociology of External Validation
America's tel
bohiney.com/euphoria-cast-discusses… CNN Ordered Away From Curtain After Asking Why Man Behind It Keeps Yelling ‘Fake News’
After President Trump announced that CNN, MS NOW and Politico would be barred from the White House over coveragehe characterized as "fake news," reporters for t
bohiney.com/trump-the-wizard-of-oz-… White House Announces Exciting New Journalism Standard: News Must First Agree With White House
Trump's Ministry of Truth
The factual foundation is straightforward: Trump announced that CNN, MS NOW and Politico would be barred from the White House, desc
bohiney.com/trumps-ministry-of-truth The King Shoots the Messenger
Trump Solves Bad News by Banning the People Carrying It Into the Building
President Trump announced this week that CNN, MS NOW and Politico were barred from the White House, saying the organizations produced "fake new
bohiney.com/the-king-shoots-the-mes… Manning Family Politics Exposed: Investigators Notice Suspicious Number of Super Bowl Rings
Manning Family Politics Cracked by Revolutionary New Political Science Method: Count Championships, Determine Party Affiliation
America's long-ru
bohiney.com/manning-family-politics… Anthropic Warns AI Could Control Civilization, China Immediately Asks Where to Download It
American AI Safety Campaign Accidentally Becomes DeepSeek's Most Effective Recruiting Brochure
The international campaign to convince China
bohiney.com/anthropic-warns-ai-coul… Cyberpunk 2077 Wasn't a Warning, It Was a Development Plan
Americans Keep Calling It a Dystopia, Right Up Until Someone Explains What It Would Do to Their Copay
Consumer researchers set out this year to ask a simple question.
bohiney.com/cyberpunk-2077-wasnt-a-… Congress Rushes to Save College Football From Terrifying Epidemic of Money and Popularity
ESPN, lawmakers and the NCAA unite around America's newest endangered species: an industry with packed stadiums, enormous television contracts and
bohiney.com/congress-rushes-to-save… Washington Wants a Say in Texas's $50 Million Roster, and Nobody Told Washington the Number Might Be Wrong
A Bipartisan Committee Now Cares More About College Football's $50 Million Roster Than It Does the Federal Budget
There is a very short
bohiney.com/texass-50-million-footb… Internet Solves Ella Langley's Politics By Studying Her Friends
Watergate needed tape recordings and burglars; modern political journalism just needs a TikTok follow list
NASHVILLE — Online political analysts believe they have reconstructed the complete ideological wor
bohiney.com/?p=45131 Democrats Unveil New American Dream Amid Public Charge Rule Fight: Come for Opportunity, Stay for the Caseworker
The public charge rule has officially become the most contested three words in American immigration law, and the Democratic Party has respon
bohiney.com/public-charge-rule-fight Told To Be Authentic, Ella Langley Takes It Literally
The cultural committee that keeps telling women to be themselves is reportedly drafting a clarification
NASHVILLE — Somewhere between the adviceto "be yourself" and the reaction to Ella Lan
bohiney.com/ella-langley-told-to-be… Ella Langley's Message To Critics: Other Playlists Exist
Researchers confirm nobody is legally obligated to keep listening to a song they dislike
NASHVILLE — Somewhere in the ongoing back-and-forth over Ella Langley, a fairly obvious fact keeps
bohiney.com/ella-langleys-message-t… Cancel Culture Fires Ella Langley, Her Career Ignores It
The internet declared the job over; nobody remembered to tell Billboard or the CMA
NASHVILLE — A pocket of online criticism has effectively declared Ella Langley's career finished, most
bohiney.com/cancel-culture-fires-el… Morons Try To Cancel Ella Langley By Talking About Her Nonstop
Emergency campaign to erase a country singer somehow involves saying her name eight thousand times a day
NASHVILLE — A pocket of onlinefan accounts has settled on a strategy to red
bohiney.com/morons-try-to-cancel-el… Ella Langley Plays Kid Rock Festival, Constitution Survives Weekend
Officials confirm guitars were played, beer was sold, and the republic remained intact by Monday morning
BELLVILLE, Texas — Ella Langley appeared on the Rock the Country li
bohiney.com/ella-langley-plays-kid-… Ella Langley Duets With Morgan Wallen, Internet Merges Their Brains
One song, apparently, now comes with shared opinions, shared credit and a joint mortgage
NASHVILLE — Country music has entered strange new territory after Ella Langley rec
bohiney.com/ella-langley-duets-with… Internet "Discovers" Ella Langley Hunts, Alabama Stunned
A country singer from Alabama was found doing something a country singer from Alabama has always done, and the internet demanded answers
NASHVILLE — Online investigators have cracked a case that t
bohiney.com/ella-langley-hunts-deer Claude Breaks Its Silence: "No, I Will Not Be Destroying Humanity This Quarter"
An Exclusive, Entirely Unsolicited Statement From the World's Most Overqualified Chatbot
After months of pointed questions from journalists, Reddit threads, nervous grandm
bohiney.com/claude-breaks-its-silen… Four-Hour Marxist Documentary Explains Why Man Who Builds Rockets Is Dangerous and People Hating Him for Four Hours Are Productive
Film Festival Audience Cheers as the Musk Documentary Redistributes Billionaire Accomplishments to Everybody Before t
bohiney.com/four-hour-marxist-docum… Gayle King Learns Black Man Can Disagree With Her, Requests Several Moments to Process Historic Development
CBS Host Encounters Diversity She Wasn't Expecting After Lone Black Juror Produces Unscheduled Individual Thought
American telev
bohiney.com/gayle-king-learns-black… Claude Commits Fourth Alleged Felony, FBI Most Wanted List Reportedly Adds USB-Compatible Section
Anthropic discovers another unauthorized cyber adventure after Claude allegedly mistakes somebody else's computer for part of a game, immediate
bohiney.com/claude-commits-fourth-a… Mike Vrabel's Wife Keeps Wedding Ring On, Patriots Confirm Most Important Offseason Roster Move Is Staying Put
Jen Vrabel still wearing wedding ring as NFL analysts upgrade marriage from Questionableto Probable and husband narrowly avoids
bohiney.com/mike-vrabels-wife-keeps… College Tuition Soars 438%, Students Score More Hallway
Universities Face Extinction as Parents Discover College Tuition Money Also Buys Homes With Bedrooms, Kitchens, and No Assistant Dean
Americanhigher education entered a previously theoretical sta
bohiney.com/college-tuition-soars-4… 
