slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 12/10/2026the elusive chameleon has incredible vision - his world is an unimaginable rainbow chameleon: uh this fucking white guy is filming my branch 010
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 12/10/2026me: babe it’s my commercial, wait for it narrator: tell you doctor if you ate 51 pieces of beef jerky wife: what are you eating under that blanket honey 010
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 12/10/2026Detective: you heard of familian dna? Jared 9/11 Sr: fuck, jared i’m guessing, my boy 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 10/10/2026i’m full blankmaxxing, how am i doing? uhhhhhhhhhhh it says im doing bad. what am i up to? uhhhhh it says killing it. where’s my finance report for the board meeting? uhhhh bonk right here and yes those numbers might be real. 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 10/10/2026jack reacher (between novels): put this one back i guess (putting a shopping cart in the cart stall because its the right thing to do) 020
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 07/10/2026I swear to god if you’re John Mayer this just makes it worse 010
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 07/10/2026judge: let it be said the defendant is guilty of all 0x7F charges Jury (scrambled wall of incoherent sprite segments): ☮️☸️✝️🪯☪️✡️ attorney whispering: that’s negative 30 million. that’s good. your free. 020
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 07/10/2026Default Ringtone (ft. John Mayer) Marimba (ft. John Mayer) Wood Block (ft. John Mayer) Your Body Is A Wonderland Flutes at Dusk (ft. John Mayer) 100
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 06/10/2026i’ve been broke for a while and thought i’d do something free, so i dug out my old roller blades and found a bloodstain containing $345,201. i was pretty amped, so i didn’t wear pads and died immediately. woke back up and fell down the stairs before collecting it again. 041
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 06/10/2026Genesis 378:11 okay i got a chipmunk up to like a cat size. ground…hog. groundhog. day 13. 010
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 06/10/2026CIA Agent 1: oh shit CIA Agent 2: okay stay calm allen Agent Allen Pinfeld @itsmeallenpinfeld Your message has been received. The money will be under table #6 here (clickable link to a yelp review of Stacy’s Poundcake Café) 010
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 06/10/2026about 15 years ago i accidentally took 31 pictures of the edge of my couch with a blank wall behind it. my phone alerts me on what must be the anniversary with “wall memories” every year. 020
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 04/10/2026um, one hot dog with everything vendor (taking off wedding ring): good luck 010
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 04/10/2026me (a frog that got kissed by a princess and turned into a human): what a magical spell have you cast upon me my love princess: ew gross im into frogs no thanks 001
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 04/10/2026(all pawns from both sides immediately rush the king) commentator: here we go 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 04/10/2026me: this is off the record right journalist: yes, off the record me (eating an entire bag of pizza pretzel combos without breathing) journalist: i wish i could write that down :( 020
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 03/10/2026showing my stepson a photo of me as a child boy: black and white me: what? no it’s in color. what? boy: blackandwhite means old me: no. what? boy: lol byeeeeeeee 040
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 03/10/2026we used to print 35 foot long banners that said happy birthday danny - birthday boy - happy birthday danny and literally unplug the computer for a year 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 02/10/2026(during a brief power outage in the year 2031) me: why dark distant person: why dark me: HELP distant person: HELP 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 28/09/2026Getting in the elevator and pressing the “sad face” button guy getting in just after me: sad face please me (crying): i got u 0137
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 28/09/2026cow -> beans -> stalk -> goose eggs -> sell eggs -> buy cow 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 27/09/2026i said i’m gonna need a second opinion and my doctor said “okay, your wife is ugly” 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 26/09/2026Rumplestiltsk1n: are u fucking serious god dammit yeah that’s me 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 26/09/2026(horrible fart smell from eating old caviar out of a plastic bag i keep in my briefcase in business class) passenger in economy seats (to grieving man): sorry i can’t fucking breathe 030
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 26/09/2026If you watched the whole thing that’s 4 stars automatically. What service was it on? 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 24/09/2026i have two ai assistants, one always lies and one apparently also always lies. or are they lying? i really gotta email this soon. 010
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 22/09/2026Researchers isolate “little fucked up piece of the brain” that makes us incredibly fucked up, only to find removing it “fucks us up” as well. 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 22/09/2026Phone Alert right after I said a joke at some work thing Dipshit Fuckup Detected [ Remind me later ] 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 22/09/2026My date: i’m not a huge fan of this song Me: i got you (me having a full on screaming match behind the public bathrooms with my touchscreen radio unaware that i’m still being recorded) Me: okay you’re gonna get a text with a six digit code in a sec 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 22/09/2026unsolicited text (spam likely) Hi, you may have seen clips of the Nepal-China border crossing along the Lohtse river. Our record show you voted in 2022, and this year could matter more than you think. I’m Donald F Pelicans and “lohtse what happens” if you don’t vote for me. me: shameless moles 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 21/09/2026use one hand for the wet part, and one hand for the dry dredge. which one hand you choose is up to you. 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 20/09/2026Your entire ceiling is a tv, you have to lay on the floor to watch it and everyone does it now, it is entirely normal and in fact is pretty much the entire economy now bud. 010
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 18/09/2026(antiques roadshow horn sound indicating the value went down) 2004 Night Elf Level 58 (2026): $-355,280 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 18/09/2026my doctor: you’re gumption levels are dangerously low me: you mean “your”? my doctor: the fucking balls on this guy 020
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 18/09/2026me: mom are you sure it says vengeance mode my mom: it keeps tackling people that harmed me me: god dammit. don’t buy shit like that. unplug it? my mom: unplugging worked (picture of a baby) martin 5 pounds, too small call your cousin 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 17/09/2026me (rogue human actor): sorry i was sneezing there hope it’s salvageable guy doing the claymation: we can’t use any of this now god: so none of this was monetized?! 010
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 17/09/2026me: oops fuck (sincere but terrible rendition of silver springs sung by my mom’s friend pam) 010
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 14/09/2026reading the little tag on my pillow i just noticed it says “do not expose to dreams”, sure enough i’ve been completely fucked up since i bought it, like apoplectic to the point of complete disfunction 020
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 14/09/2026youtube feed british horse tries texas bbq for the first time texan horse listens to fleetwood mac’s Rumours for the first time fixing over 300 capacitors on a 1977 lks20670 set to steely dan’s peg on loop for sleep he ate fish and chips and this is what happened to his eyes me: ugh come on 120
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 13/09/2026i’m about to go to the store in my new shirt that says “i’m a cool cat” and am so fucking tense with anxiety that i threw up twelve times 030
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 13/09/2026old man reminiscing: ah the great turd flood of oh-twentysix, september 12th of this year 000
slosifl @slosifl.bsky.social · 12/09/2026my idiot guru: uh make it extra wise style me: paul i can see you doing all this my idiot guru: okay cool response extra wise style again me (accepting nirvana): okay yeah ill have an accepting nirvana in giving up style and a cool way to tell my wife im abusive now in abrupt style 000
