The site and README repeatedly celebrate the work as "hand-made", "DIY", and "independent of big, extractive tech." A few examples: footer: “One hand-written HTML file, marked up with h-entry.” REA...

Your possessions came alive. Now they won't stop talking.

## Consistency, Reliability, Anxiety and Technology Hello fellow beta testers, today is another day of trial and error. Your alarm has worked. That's a good start. Take a deep breath and ask yourself what is the next piece of technology you will need to rely on today? Do you have a backup plan if it doesn't work? Anxiety has been thinking about these things all night. Anxiety and our current, technologically advanced world are great bedfellows. The boomers often told stories of consumer products that would last a life time. “They don't make 'em like they used to,” was the phrase that covered everything from automobiles to toasters. The generations after the boomers can attest to the quality loss. The were guinea pigs for corporations. What is our tolerance for replacing the tech in our lives? Imagine the parents of boomers had a refrigerator for 50 years and then gave it to their boomer children for the garage or basement. My parents had a fridge for maybe 20 years. Today, a 15 year old fridge is beyond geriatric and more of a miracle. As more and more devices have computers built-in, they become less reliable. Of course, there's a new-ish villain on the scene as well. Built-in obsolescence is the prince of capitalism. Now, if we are lucky to have homes, they all come with the insecurity of inconsistent appliances that our recent ancestors relied on. Knowing that tomorrow morning there is a 50% chance that my transit card may not scan and I won't get to work is not a comforting thought. You've got a load of wet clothes in the washer, but suddenly the dryer refuses to recognize that its door is closed and fails to start. The garage door opener is great at that one job. Note that is not called a garage door closer. Yup, something is tripping it up and it will not close. The printer, well let's face it, the thing has never worked without some sort of hassle. Meanwhile, your boss was around when computers were advertised as the fastest, most efficient and effective tools for every single task. Certainly you can finish this project you were given via email 20 minutes ago in under an hour and still get 3 other tasks done. You have a computer! Never mind that the latest security update has broken your email client and if you computer goes to sleep it will lock up and you have to turn it off and then back on to keep working. The boss doesn't really believe you. Her computer is not having issues. Granted, you aren't sure what she uses it for because last week you had to show her how to add an appointment to her calendar. Whether technology works or not, the world is moving at a faster pace and that is causing anxiety in many people. The faster we move, the more that is expected of us thanks to capitalism. Glitchy, buggy technology is the bread of the shit sandwich that is our anxiety. It gets worse every single day. That goes for both anxiety and technology. ### Panic on the Hour The amount of tasks we perform in a day is far more than it used to be. We congratulate ourselves for putting in extra time as well. The idea of working more than 40 hours a week is a badge of honor, not something to alarm us. Anxiety gets to spend far more time on the job when we work more hours and increase the number of tasks we perform. So we're all on meds trying to stop the lizard brain from interpreting the fact that the email won't open as a physical attack from a predator. Well to be fair, if you don't get the email with the changes open, you don't make the changes, you get fired, you cannot pay the bills and will likely die on the streets in the winter. Maybe the lizard brain isn't that far off with its interpretation. We're scared. Living paycheck to paycheck means more than just a few white hairs. We're afraid of layoffs so we put in extra, unpaid time to show our loyalty. All that extra time means we're not eating healthy. We don't have time for doctor exam, when could we ever fit that in? Now, I am scared about my health. The anxiety starts to become overwhelming, but I surely cannot take time off from work. Despite there being a mental health leave available, taking it is a one way ticket to the scrutiny of every single minute when I am back at work. Any mistake is proof that I am no longer cut out for this work. Of course, the moment you think about taking a mental health leave is the first time that you recognized that things are getting bad. This means you get to add that to the infinite anxiety list. You could ask for an accommodation, perhaps to work a day or two at home? No, you cannot do that because your internet at home goes down at random times, once a week. Your provider forces you to use their hardware and they've replace the network hub 3 times already. Is it a cheap device or are the employees at the manufacturer of the hub feeling similar to you? Are they so anxious trying to meet quotas that they make mistakes during assembly? Perhaps we should say capitalism “pushes” the world around, not makes it go around. ### Unreliable Expectations “Everything is out to destroy us!” Anxiety chants. Though, it is not paranoia or a flight or fight system that is overreacting. Literally the technology we use to solve problems everyday is built to fail in the name of capitalism. One of the biggest advancements in recent years is the smart phone. It's also one of the most expensive things we own. We forget that our phones which are now required for transactions at banks or social agencies, are priced anywhere between $700 – $3000 USD. The companies have put us on payment plans. They cover the phone cost upfront and we pay it off in 3-5 years. Of course, the technology moves so fast that the phone will be obsolete in 2 years. It's this weird mix between having the latest, supported device that is required for most of the tasks in our world and owning a status symbol. Companies have taught us that phones don't last long. Nobody expects a phone to last them 50 years. So it's normal to go into debt every two years for at least 2k. And, now everything is digital and runs software like a phone so obviously we need a new dishwasher. This one is pushing 6 years. We have printers, nearly all ink jet printers on the market have an expiry date. At some point the printer will say it needs to be serviced, but shipping it to be serviced and paying for the service is more than the cost of a new printer. We're missing those reliable, stable pieces in our lives that give us breathing room to worry about the things that matter in the moment. Our lives are a minefield and we're navigating blind. Of course we are anxious. The stress of all our human relationships and the complexity of all the financial commitments that require our attention to simply have a roof over our heads is far more than we can handle. Yet, the layer above that is filled with technology that is unreliable. Your bank website is down. The car refuses to be put in drive because it thinks the air bag has been deployed. The Uber app says your credit card was denied so you cannot get to the bank for help. The furnace in the house is not working and you are freaking out. To calm the anxiety you think you should do a guided meditation. Unfortunately, your phone has decided that it won't play any audio of any kind. With any luck, I will be able to post this without issue. Then, I can settle into the anxiety of the moment.

## What Is Agency and What Is Depression? My thoughts are my own. The idea that someone can make me think or feel a certain way is false. We can be manipulated to an extent, but we all have agency. You cannot make me clench my fist and raise up my right arm. However, are my thoughts my own or those of the depression? I suppose the reality is that the depression and I are one. Perhaps I am trying to other the depression to distance myself from the harmful thoughts. The thoughts in question are the darkest ones. Or, are these thoughts only taboo because of our culture? ### Forms of Ideation The dark thoughts in question are suicidal ideation. In therapy and in blogs I have shared that my shame, the self-critic, feels like a gateway to ideation. I can recognize that the feelings are those I experience during suicidal ideation. For me, it is connected, but I am not saying others are wired that way. Lately, I have been questioning my disintrest in my physical health. Yet, someone's random question of where I want to be buried or have my ashes spread immediately brought me to my overwhelming fear of death. My psychiatrist used to ask the same question when these black and white thoughts came to me, “Can it be both?” Sure I can be afraid of death and also see it as an escape from the pain and exhaustion. Is the fear of death motivated by some ancient survival mechanism in our brain that won't let us pruposely drown? ### Be Healthy or Be Me? I am getting older. My parter is doing the right things as she works out and is trying to eat better. I feel as if all I have time for is work and sleep. When could I find time or energy to work out? I will also admit that I eat my feelings. There's a voice in my head, “If no one sees you eat it, did you?” I happily lap up that advice. That stolen moment in the car with those McDonalds' fries is something I did for me. I guess this is another question of my agency as a person. Am I eating junkfood because it makes me feel good or because it is something I have control of in this world? In university, I learned that death certificates must have a reason on them. In other words, you cannot simply have the cause of death as “they were old.” There must be a medical reason like heart failure. We obfiscate the idea that age is related to death. In the same way, I don't think eating two rows of oreo cookies is going to kill me. Diabetes will be the cause. Therefore, it is the disease and not the cookies, so I might as well eat the last row of cookies too. Am I immature or irresponsible for eating unhealthy foods? My sense of shame loves that idea. What an excellent source of pleasure. I get to have my cake and eat it too. I continue to beat myself up with depression and have chocolate. ### Highs And Lows My blood pressue is a concern at the moment. For much of my adult life, my blood pressure has been low, sometimes dangerously so. Suddenly, it has been registering as high blood pressure. My blood sugars are also very high, as if that wasn't clear from the previous confession above. Medication for diabetes was doing great work before. I was also not working full time. Would I eat better and exercise more if I wasn't working full time? Well, if the past is any indicator I am not certain. When I wasn't working full time, I was ashamed that I was broken. I continually scolded myself for not being like others. How can everyone around me have a full time job and do all the things that paralyze me with anxiety? What would happen if I wasn't working isn't clear because I really tried after my breakdown. I tried to eath healthier and work out. I was more successful. As I like to say, it is a full time job dealing with anxiety and depression. When I am working, it is all about shoving all that aside to get the work done. My reward for getting through the day is those stolen moments of eating someting I should not. Is rewarding myself with junkfood my choice or another obfiscation? Is my depression and shame pulling the strings to keep me in that state of self-loathing? ### Uncomfortable to Swallow My inner debate is likely another red hering. I hesitate to admit that there is a part of me who thinks the poor heart health and afront to my diabetes through stolen moments of sweets is just part of a slower suicide. The thoughts that arrive when I think about stopping for ice cream or decide to sleep in instead of working out are along the lines of “Why does it matter?” Is this a life worth living? It is very hard to admit that these are things that go through my mind because the people around me that are not neurodivergent have difficulty understanding it. They are part of my life, am I saying I'd rather not be around them? Of course, I am not saying that. They don't live in my head. They experience the world differently than I do. In my mind the invasive thoughts are like an endless rain. The world we all live in is a dour place at the moment. Many seek to escape it by not watching the news or clinging onto hope that things will change somehow. I cannot think capitalism would suddenly change over night. Furthermore, therapy really taught me that my feelings are not wrong. I need to embrace my feelings, not lock them away or try to esape them. I suppose it is a perspective thing. Maybe the sage advice is to concentrate on what you can do for yourself and to not try to fix the whole world. However, as I stand in the storm of depression raging in my head it looks to me that this is how the world went wrong, thinking of only ourselves.Though, considering that everything I am going through is because of me, perhaps it is sage advice. If I think helping myself won't make the world a better place, why should I try? Maybe that's the depression talking again. Maybe it is me?