shrimp @shrimp.fail · 08/07/2026just got off the phone with my old friend mitch mcconnell, we spoke for about 20 minutes and he said AAHHHHHH AHHHHH FUUUUCK IT BURNS AHHHH over and over again (chuckles) good ol mitch. hasn’t changed a bit 010
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 30/05/2026baby yoda: (in a surprisingly deep voice) old enough to drink i am (waving his hand) mezcal on rock you will give me 020
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 19/04/2026(sitting on couch seven beers deep, watching my dog sleep) dogs not part of thr working class 020
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 19/04/2026in the new season there’s a fuck-ass cover of “Hound Dog” that sounds like bon iver and it made me so mad i almost turned the TV off 010
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 21/03/2026pretty much all wealthy people are horrible people. but i would be a very good rich person. probably because im better than most people. mmm now that i think about it, i deserve it because im just so good and uncorruptible 010
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 20/03/2026These days everyone is obsessed with Mr. Blinders - the so-called “Immortal Man”. But there’s another “Immortal Man” with his own “street gang” who fought for what he believed in. His name? Haha, well, 000
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 15/03/2026oh boy! an escalator! time to stand for 90% of the ride and then walk down the final couple steps like a CHUMP 000
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 15/03/2026going to watch The Bride because there’s no way it’s worse than watching the oscars 001
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 13/03/2026i dont watch “the pitt”. i live in “the pitt” (united states of america) 010
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 09/03/2026[guy who wants to make pancakes but only has waffle mix] it’s over. it’s so fucking over [guy who gets paid 400k a year] due to a typo openclaw emptied my bank account to buy 10 bags of cheetahs 000
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 05/03/2026wow thank you for correcting my joke. i was worried someone might think kristi noem was actually shot 000
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 05/03/2026AGI is coming any day bro, trust me bro, just a million more tokens, please, just a billion more gallons of water, i swear the assumption machine will become god 000
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 05/03/2026[loud buzzer sound] ANNOUNCER (V.O.): The discourse period for Scream 7 (2026) is now over. Please make all new discourse posts about The Bride! (2026). Thank you for your attention on this matter. 010
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 05/03/2026personally i think people named “jr” should be executed when they turn 30 010
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 03/03/2026the worst thing you can do as a software engineer is make an assumption. that is why we have replaced all software engineers with The Assumption Machine 010
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 03/03/2026fancy restaurants are like “do you want some fucking cheese for dessert” 000
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 25/02/2026NYPD COMMISSIONER (very seriously): hewwo i’ve gawtherwd yew aww hwere to annouwnce we awe invwestigating the illwegal awnd unswanctioned snowbwall fwight that sweriously injwured sweveral offwicers earwlier todway 010
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 24/02/2026You’re right to be upset. I was wrong. That was the femoral artery. I shouldn’t have cut into it without your explicit approval. 020
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 23/02/2026weather reporter reading a teleprompter with an extremely furrowed brow: chat we are getting….. heightmogged by this ….. powdermaxxxing (looks to the side) Paul what is this, is this some kind of prank 020
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 17/02/2026i was going to eat a sandwich for lunch but according to the polls that’s not popular with the electorate. so i am going to eat a bowl of mulch and dirt 010
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 15/02/2026barack obama famously didn't kill any american citizens. he loves to drone on about it. google “obama american citizen drone” to learn more 161
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 15/02/2026(joylessly) do i need to see crime 1 through 100 in order to enjoy crime 101 010
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 12/02/2026i like it when movie good. when movie bad? well sometimes i also like when movie bad 140
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 11/02/2026(Sam Elliot voiceover) Sometimes poopy butt. Sometimes poopy stay on butt. Hard get off butt. Need soft for wipe poopy. Charmin best soft for poopy butt clean 020
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 10/02/2026hi i’m doctor gregory House, from the hit television program House. i live in an Apartment 010
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 09/02/2026i’ve seen screenshots of people trying to cancel nitro getting errors because so many people are canceling. i think the backlash is gonna be huge 120
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 09/02/2026rian johnson is already hard at work on his next benoit blanc mystery googling "realy cool song titles" 020
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 09/02/2026[i am tied to a chair and my captor is sharpening various knives] okay…….. i am gonna assume this is in good faith 020
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 05/02/2026jurassic park emotionally manipulated me into feeling a brief moment of wonder and for that i will never forgive it 020
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 05/02/2026it’s so funny when someone calls a movie emotionally manipulative. like just stare at the wall if you’re that fragile 020
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 01/02/2026breaking news the text generator trained on crappy reddit short stories makes the largest crappy reddit short story in existence 010
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 28/01/2026when i’m old i will simply not lay down in a “deathbed”. just a livebed for me, thank you 010
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 28/01/2026when im on my deathbed i might say something poignant like “so shall i return to the earth” but ill probably just go with something classic like “ahhhhhhhh fuck!! no! no! no! no! no ! no ! “ 020
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 27/01/2026i bet domestication syndrome feels so fucking good if you’re an animal 010
shrimp @shrimp.fail · 25/01/2026‘I never thought leopards would eat people’s faces,' tweets democrat who funds the Leopards Eating People's Faces Force 000
