iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

if somebody else gets to live in a clean little fairy tale where every relationship is pure and balanced and beautiful? good for them some of us live in the filth and take feeling appreciated and chosen any way we can get it

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at least, for a moment, they wanted me there at least they wanted me there for something

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what exactly is the prize for being pure and untouchable and alone? and honestly, if someone only reaches out when nobody else is available, when they want attention, when they want an audience while they get off, whatever? at least they reached out at least they picked me

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i would still rather be wanted for something than not wanted at all better to be chosen for a role than not chosen at all my love is not transactional, but that does not make me better than somebody whose love is tangled up with need, exchange, debt, convenience, or appetite

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Sad Bean「🇸 🇭 🇮」 @shi.rip · 27/11/2025

feeling useful feels good being used is not the same thing, but sometimes the line is thin, and im done pretending i care as much about that distinction as other people seem to i do not really care whether that offends some peoples idea of what love or attention is supposed to look like

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i cant anymore i know its my fault and i deserve it the whole reap what you sow call me a coward or a pos but i cant handle the consequences of my fuckups its so much all at once and coming to one big crescendo of pain, shame, regret and longing i want to flip a switch & turn my feelings off

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Sad Bean「🇸 🇭 🇮」 @shi.rip · 16/10/2025

i hate being lied to because even when i know its happening my instinct is to just pretend its true and to blame myself for making the other person lie to placate me deep down im angry but due to trauma im unable to safely experience that emotion so i just feel hurt, like im at fault, and v sad

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Sad Bean「🇸 🇭 🇮」 @shi.rip · 09/10/2025

so if one hasnt heard back about theirs by friday, one should be worried?

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Sad Bean「🇸 🇭 🇮」 @shi.rip · 03/10/2025

im genuinely an idiot pigeons learn faster than me its time to stop trying is futile and hoping hurts too much see you when i see you what a fucking way to kick off my birthday...

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my lizard brain is like a cruel old dragon when i realise how delude i am being it starts growling "youre a fucking loser" "youre pathetic" "i hate that youre like this" "say something! do you not see whats happening?!" … thats when i stuff it down i dont have a comeback i AM pathetic a loser

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hope is not kind its cruel & cunning & persistent its the part of you that hasnt died yet and that’s the worst part cos you wish it would you wanna stop aching stop hoping stop bracing for the swing of the pendulum between "maybe…" and "of course not" … but hope doesnt care it just keeps coming

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and hope struts in "what if they mean it this time?" "what if theyre just busy?" “what if they miss you but dont know what to say?" and you scream cos you didnt ask for this … but hope wont let you be it taps your shoulder whispers "look up, mfer" … looking up hurts cos the room is still empty

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hope is a fucking trespasser it doesnt knock doesnt wait … it kicks in the door of your numb little world starts rooting through the wreckage like it owns the place … and youre just laid up on the floor bloody, quiet, resigned youd already made peace with the pain found a posture to survive in

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hope doesnt ask for permission or consent … it just RELENTLESSLY hits you over the head again and again and again … even when youre already down just curled up in a fetal position covering your face from the blows … it goes "what if? what if? maybe this time… maybe this time…" over and over

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Sad Bean「🇸 🇭 🇮」 @shi.rip · 06/09/2025

i apologised to everyone … and was told it was a misunderstanding that i AM wanted AM included there was just a clerical error … and like the idiot that i am i believed it i mean of course i did i WANTED it to be true WANTED to be remembered … so i pretended to not see what is in front of me

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i acted out like a child but it just came out of nowhere and stung so deep … ive been asking for weeks ive been struggling grasping for anything to keep afloat and nothing … others ask and receive … at least i know now im NOT imagining things i AM unwanted

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Sad Bean「🇸 🇭 🇮」 @shi.rip · 31/08/2025

i am leaving space for whoever wants to meet me there maybe people will … like i say, wtf do i know - i never developed social skills…

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Sad Bean「🇸 🇭 🇮」 @shi.rip · 31/08/2025

i think im done … ill keep my promises but im done fighting entropy … no idea how things got like this but with everything going on i dont have the fight in me anymore … maybe im crazy and imagining things and people will come back but im done chasing people just to drive them further away

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but i have to ive made promises … and i may be a burden unlovable too much and way too little unattractive a fool clingy needy self-centered and a loser … but i keep my promises no matter how much it hurts … so here goes another day of faking it putting on a brave face "its okay"

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i want to keep trying … reaching out sending out love not giving up writing that fucking post looking for options … but why? for more of *this*? … so i can feel hurt and bitter quilty and embarrassed all at once all at 100% and still spend most of the day crying about how alone i feel

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feels like almost everyone keeps drifting further away the more i try to reach out … yelling "its all good" from so far away its barely audible … im trying everything i know but thing is… when it comes to this stuff i dont know shit about fuck … a grown adult doesnt know how to be friends

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Sad Bean「🇸 🇭 🇮」 @shi.rip · 26/08/2025

in intense physical pain (neuropathy, so no relief either) full of anxiety & worry and heartache … they say grief is love with nowhere to go i certainly have a lot of love with not many places where its received or wanted … i miss many people so much and hate how incapable and incompetent i am

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days like this i wonder where i went wrong … was it something i said or just my general being "vibe" … i keep trying my best and it just keeps making things worse … im giving up for today crawling back into bed maybe tomorrow everything will hurt a bit less or maybe its just this from now on…

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Sad Bean「🇸 🇭 🇮」 @shi.rip · 18/08/2025

hurting… and so alone … theres 29 days 11 hours and 32 minutes left but the way i keep fucking everything up wtf does it matter if i keep trying or not … im always here but appear offline 99% of the time … it hurts less when its quiet if i pretend its because of that and not because of me

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Sad Bean「🇸 🇭 🇮」 @shi.rip · 13/08/2025

i feel stupid … i shouldve learned this back in january in the hospital … guess i didnt want to believe it … it IS painful … thinking about some people several times a day realising they dont think of you even once a week … it hurts … but you cant change that just have to endure it

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Sad Bean「🇸 🇭 🇮」 @shi.rip · 13/08/2025

i dont wanna be someone whos messages people tolerate out of kindness … i dont want my messages to be something people endure because they dont want to hurt my feelings … it wasnt supposed to go like this … but at least now i know who ive been inadvertently bothering … i know to stop now

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Sad Bean「🇸 🇭 🇮」 @shi.rip · 13/08/2025

i try to remind myself this is a good thing, actually … if they liked talking with me and wanted to do it … if they missed chatting with me wished for it to happen more … if they enjoyed my company and not just tolerated me out of politeness or pity … im right here have been a ping away

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Sad Bean「🇸 🇭 🇮」 @shi.rip · 12/08/2025

i try so hard to be less to not cross lines but somehow it still scares people off … i hate feeling like a burden and a ghost at the same time … all i ever wanted was to feel chosen on quiet days not earned by performance not tolerated just … thought of

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Sad Bean「🇸 🇭 🇮」 @shi.rip · 12/08/2025

all i ever wanted was steady, safe connection lil pings a 'thinking of you' a space that still feels like im kept to be reached for not just tolerated i dont want to chase i want to be picked i try not to overstep and still end up too much its stupid how much this hurts

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Sad Bean「🇸 🇭 🇮」 @shi.rip · 12/08/2025

did a thing where i tired to "prove" myself i dont *need* to constantly spam friends to not be forgotten so id wait and let people reach out to me first, for once … the result? … have heard from one (1) friend in the last 4 days … the kicker? half of my friends didnt know i was out of town

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because as much as people are polite they cant change the way they feel … they see me they see a man … simple as

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mediocre skills, ugly looks, annoying voice i WoNdEr WhY pEoPlE dOnT wAnT mE ArOuNd?????? … and thats not even getting into how im viewed as a man by… well, everyone … its not about pronouns or misgendering i _FEEL_ people looking at me going "ah, a man" … im NOT welcome in queer spaces

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jack of all trades and all that … pick a thing i know there are dozens of people _in the groups and circles im IN_ who are lightyears ahead of me on those things … im not good at anything … im halfway shit at three dozen things

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ive tried getting there by learning skills i figured would make me seem interesting or make me useful for people … the problem is my skills are dumb bullshit and even my best ones im barely mediocre at

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i wish i could be cool desireable wanted invited held appreciated … i dream of people messaging me reaching out a few times throughout the day jus to check in to tell me about what theyre up to what they had for lunch to ask me what im doing offer to hang out, not even doing anything

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