iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 7m

I don’t *wAnT* hot cider. I want to *NeEd* hot cider. Not the same vibe if it is 8 trillion degrees outside.

Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 23m

To everyone defending Shane Gillis: I’m curious… What do you think appropriate pool / beach attire is? And why is that standard limited only to water play?

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 29m

One simply cannot get into a spooky groove when it’s 8 trillion degrees outside

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 11/10/2026

slightly concerned I’m gunna be stress eating ice cream sammiches until it happens

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 10/10/2026

That feeling when you’ve been going about your day and then all of a sudden you start thinking about the vastness of space.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

You mean to tell me the patriarchy led us to believe it was the lettuce and blueberries when all along it was their tiny little graping dicklehoppers?

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

My brain every time he says anything: We’re already pulled over! We can’t pull over any further!

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

I apologize to everyone I silently loathed today for not complimenting me on my new skirt. TO your credit, and my dismay, there are no pockets. Each of us experienced a grave miscarriage of justice.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

What’s something small, yet consistent, at work that slowly chisels away at your soul? I’ll go first: When reading off a phone number, the person on the other line gives a confirming “mmhmm” or “ok” at the end of each section of numbers. 🥴

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

weekends are just short-term safety valves

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

“If they made better choices there would be no show.” -me to me every 5 minutes watching any show

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

Nutter Butter: Blink twice if AI peanuts are holding you hostage.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

She’s a 10 but her entire personality is Gilmore Girls so actually she’s a 12.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

I was momentarily delighted by a butterfly fluttering near me just a moment ago, only to discover said friend was simply a piece of the plastic shopping bag that detached and was carried by the wind.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

I wouldn’t count your seconds til the minutes hatch.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

If their slogan ain’t “Holiday’s Dolly Day at Dollywood” I want no part in this madness

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

“Why is everyone in this show so horny? I mean everyone is a horndog...” - my husband (who is absolutely not watching Pretty Little Liars with me.)

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

The open mini snickers bag in my office drawer is situated *just so* that every time I reach my hand in, a new treat awaits me in the perfect position. This is both a blessing and a curse. I am officially winter bod ready.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

OK, who tf keeps hitting my panic button?

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

How my outdoor plants are gonna act once it finally rains after this drought / heat wave:

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 21/09/2026

HAPPY EARTH, WIND, AND FIRE DAY TO ALL THOSE WHO CELEBRATE! 🎶 do you remember?! 🎶 🌎 🌬️ 🔥 💃🏼

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 20/09/2026

“Do not kick me or I’m going to… sell… your feet.” - my husband to our toddler after exhausting all other threat options 😂

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 20/09/2026

I got an alert that something moved in my child’s room. [Kids are not home currently. The cat is in my lap.] No video was captured, only a still. It’s time to move.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 19/09/2026

Happy Saturday to everyone except the asshat who taught my 4 year old that boys only play with boy toys and girls only play with girl toys. Fuck you.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 18/09/2026

Teach a man to fish, shame on me. Give a man to a fish, all your problems are solved… or however it goes.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 17/09/2026

Ms Rachel really wasted no time in submitting that application for Best Person of the Universe once Dolly was a’goner

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 17/09/2026

My four year old just started singing in the car 🎶 A B C D FDT 🎶 he’s an accidental genius already

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 16/09/2026

guys I’m having a difficult time keeping track of which food/entertainment is kosher

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 15/09/2026

Activites that don’t sound as appealing after having kids: (I’ll go first)…*going to the salon for a “blowout.”*

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 13/09/2026

A garage band is doing sound check at the restaurant I am sitting at. The bass player appears to have come straight from a My Chemical Romance shoot. Drummer is full on Margaritaville. Guitarist is a Foo Fighter. Lead singer’s wearing an Ed Hardy shirt. I must know how these people found each other.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 12/09/2026

I want to meet Bill Burr for one reason and one reason alone: so I can ask him if anyone has ever called him Bill Burr Baggins.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 12/09/2026

ok but have you tried cussing it out

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 11/09/2026

too cool for school and too schooled for koolaid ✌🏼

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 11/09/2026

Tumble out of bed and I stumble to the kitchen. Pour myself a cup of am-bitchin’.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 11/09/2026

I’m not mad at you this is just my face since 2016.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

say what you want but I remain unconvinced a post-apocalyptic lifestyle would be harder than *gestures to all the things and stuff*

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

Am I missing something? How the hell is this orange, public-pooping blob still in power?!

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

i can’t help but wonder if earning my marketing degree was actually just training to become more susceptible to the markets marketing… 🤔

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 09/09/2026

My husband just forwarded a news article to me about Apple recording conversations for playback. Little does he know, this will come in handy when I need to evidence the 47 times I’ve asked him to do the same task.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 09/09/2026

Just witnessed an escalating FB comment tussle be diffused with elementary insults. OG commenter was called a “baked mayonnaise cake,” to which OG named their new friend a “soup sandwich.” It was glorious.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 08/09/2026

If someone had just explained to me when I was a small child that kittens sometimes bite out of affection, I would have had a much different relationship with them. Making up for 30+ years of lost time with the cutest, sweetest, little nibbler… 😻

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 04/09/2026

Imma start foraging in the back yard if these recalls keep on keeping on

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 03/09/2026

can we please just receive some sort of “things that are safe to eat” email of the day

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 02/09/2026

I love my husband and my children SO deeply, and I would be devastated if I learned this isn’t *real life* … But on the other hand, I canNOT believe this is *real life*

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 01/09/2026

Hi, please sign my imaginary petition to start referring to *getting implants* as “9 to 5s” and / or “Dolly Jobs.”

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 31/08/2026

I’m so tired I could eat a bed.

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 31/08/2026

I can’t get the poop bug my office is dangerously far from a bathroom

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 30/08/2026

Beelzebub spoke with Mitch McConnell for 20 minutes today and let me know he’s “doing well.” …Wait, I believe the proper translation is “well done.”

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Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 29/08/2026

The game is no longer called “Simon Says…” It is now “Patrick Says.”

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