Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 01/10/2026“If they made better choices there would be no show.” -me to me every 5 minutes watching any show 010
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 29/09/2026Nutter Butter: Blink twice if AI peanuts are holding you hostage. 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 27/09/2026She’s a 10 but her entire personality is Gilmore Girls so actually she’s a 12. 010
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 26/09/2026I was momentarily delighted by a butterfly fluttering near me just a moment ago, only to discover said friend was simply a piece of the plastic shopping bag that detached and was carried by the wind. 120
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 25/09/2026I wouldn’t count your seconds til the minutes hatch. 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 25/09/2026If their slogan ain’t “Holiday’s Dolly Day at Dollywood” I want no part in this madness 011
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 25/09/2026“Why is everyone in this show so horny? I mean everyone is a horndog...” - my husband (who is absolutely not watching Pretty Little Liars with me.) 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 24/09/2026The open mini snickers bag in my office drawer is situated *just so* that every time I reach my hand in, a new treat awaits me in the perfect position. This is both a blessing and a curse. I am officially winter bod ready. 001
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 22/09/2026How my outdoor plants are gonna act once it finally rains after this drought / heat wave: 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 21/09/2026HAPPY EARTH, WIND, AND FIRE DAY TO ALL THOSE WHO CELEBRATE! 🎶 do you remember?! 🎶 🌎 🌬️ 🔥 💃🏼 010
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 20/09/2026“Do not kick me or I’m going to… sell… your feet.” - my husband to our toddler after exhausting all other threat options 😂 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 20/09/2026I got an alert that something moved in my child’s room. [Kids are not home currently. The cat is in my lap.] No video was captured, only a still. It’s time to move. 031
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 19/09/2026Happy Saturday to everyone except the asshat who taught my 4 year old that boys only play with boy toys and girls only play with girl toys. Fuck you. 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 18/09/2026Teach a man to fish, shame on me. Give a man to a fish, all your problems are solved… or however it goes. 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 17/09/2026Ms Rachel really wasted no time in submitting that application for Best Person of the Universe once Dolly was a’goner 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 17/09/2026My four year old just started singing in the car 🎶 A B C D FDT 🎶 he’s an accidental genius already 010
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 16/09/2026 guys I’m having a difficult time keeping track of which food/entertainment is kosher 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 15/09/2026Activites that don’t sound as appealing after having kids: (I’ll go first)…*going to the salon for a “blowout.”* 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 13/09/2026A garage band is doing sound check at the restaurant I am sitting at. The bass player appears to have come straight from a My Chemical Romance shoot. Drummer is full on Margaritaville. Guitarist is a Foo Fighter. Lead singer’s wearing an Ed Hardy shirt. I must know how these people found each other. 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 12/09/2026I want to meet Bill Burr for one reason and one reason alone: so I can ask him if anyone has ever called him Bill Burr Baggins. 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 11/09/2026too cool for school and too schooled for koolaid ✌🏼 001
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 11/09/2026Tumble out of bed and I stumble to the kitchen. Pour myself a cup of am-bitchin’. 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 11/09/2026I’m not mad at you this is just my face since 2016. 010
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 10/09/2026say what you want but I remain unconvinced a post-apocalyptic lifestyle would be harder than *gestures to all the things and stuff* 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 10/09/2026Am I missing something? How the hell is this orange, public-pooping blob still in power?! 120
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 10/09/2026i can’t help but wonder if earning my marketing degree was actually just training to become more susceptible to the markets marketing… 🤔 010
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 09/09/2026My husband just forwarded a news article to me about Apple recording conversations for playback. Little does he know, this will come in handy when I need to evidence the 47 times I’ve asked him to do the same task. 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 09/09/2026Just witnessed an escalating FB comment tussle be diffused with elementary insults. OG commenter was called a “baked mayonnaise cake,” to which OG named their new friend a “soup sandwich.” It was glorious. 010
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 08/09/2026If someone had just explained to me when I was a small child that kittens sometimes bite out of affection, I would have had a much different relationship with them. Making up for 30+ years of lost time with the cutest, sweetest, little nibbler… 😻 021
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 04/09/2026Imma start foraging in the back yard if these recalls keep on keeping on 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 03/09/2026can we please just receive some sort of “things that are safe to eat” email of the day 010
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 02/09/2026I love my husband and my children SO deeply, and I would be devastated if I learned this isn’t *real life* … But on the other hand, I canNOT believe this is *real life* 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 01/09/2026Hi, please sign my imaginary petition to start referring to *getting implants* as “9 to 5s” and / or “Dolly Jobs.” 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 31/08/2026I can’t get the poop bug my office is dangerously far from a bathroom 010
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 30/08/2026Beelzebub spoke with Mitch McConnell for 20 minutes today and let me know he’s “doing well.” …Wait, I believe the proper translation is “well done.” 020
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 29/08/2026The game is no longer called “Simon Says…” It is now “Patrick Says.” 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 28/08/2026Noooo one GASH like Gastons, no one SMASH like Gastons, no one fucks up a camera quite like Gastons. 011
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 28/08/2026How deep into landfills do you suppose those WWJD bracelets are at this point? 010
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 28/08/2026Don’t tell my braggy little husband, but I’m starting to come around to the idea that Android rules. May I present to you his “beginning” of the lunar eclipse photo vs. mine. [Samsung Galaxy S25 vs my iPhone 16 Pro Max] 020
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 27/08/2026To save myself from a potential lawsuit, I will only speak in un-math-able negatives: I am 10000% convinced he didn’t not NOT not Not not do it. I will not elaborate. 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 27/08/2026If the **mystery** of Mitch McConnell has shown me anything it is this: We won’t know “IT” happened for a year. 042
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 23/08/2026*gestures with fingers interlocked* “here’s the church, here’s the steeple, open the door and see all the peepholes.” 010
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 22/08/2026lost count how many times I’ve asked the brown cow but she’s yet to tell me how now. 000
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 18/08/2026I’m 26% water, 88% gummy bears, 72% bad at math. 101
Herlock Shaloms @shevitzsays.bsky.social · 18/08/2026NOBODY PANIC just because my “good vibes only” keychain broke. I’m sure it won’t affect the good vibes… *much* 010
