iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 2h

Bf is planning on paying for my friend to fly here to stay a week since I've never met him irl and bf also wants to meet him cuz he's been very sweet to me. I'm overwhelmed as hell, but also looking forward to it

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 5h

Had pizza and alcohol last night, finally managed to get some rest but not a lot

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 22h

Once again cannot nap because something always startles me awake. I'm so fucking exhausted but I really won't be able to sleep until probably tomorrow or something at this point.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

Also because I was trying to nap on my back (cuz my back pain is really bad right now) my cyst pain flared up so now I'm just in extra pain for no reason... The pain shoots down my leg now, so I guess I'll deal with urgent care next week if I have the time.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

I fell asleep for about 10 minutes, and then my upstairs neighbours decided to start vacuuming right above my head and stomp around...

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

Even though I only slept 2 hours last night I can't even seem to close my eyes..and now it's also loud outside so it'll be harder to nap

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

I changed the sheet on my bed to one that doesn't fit cuz the last one was ripped almost entirely in half. At least this one isn't, and it's clean.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

It's been a really bad start to the day, and I kinda just have to... I guess keep going and taking care of myself. I can't do anything else.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

I can't even fall back asleep... I thought I'd sleep okay cuz it's been so quiet from all the rain, but I slept so so little...

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

Only got 2hrs of sleep cuz Nala woke me up with her scratching cuz she's full of energy and wanted to play. I played with her for a while and gave her food

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

Hopefully I can get some sleep, it's already 2:30...

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

I wanna lose 2kg this month if I can manage. I haven't been able to do that in a long time, but I hope the harvest celebration food I'm making technically helps since it's filling and mainly veggies & turkey. The winter holidays are scarier cuz of all the sweets I love to make on top of everything

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

Finally stupid fuckass horton stopped their HP collab so I can go grab a free iced capp tomorrow if I want and then truly never go back because that's the only fucking collab I've ever seen them do ever and of course it's with the transphobe.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

Well they added a service fee to paying my already too expensive rent, so I guess I'm switching to in-person payments cuz I'm not doing that.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

Also if I have another period this month, I'm gonna need to check my T levels. They should be fine, I've missed one shot entirely but it's possible I'm somehow not taking enough. I don't even have an endocrinologist or a gynecologist, so that's also gonna be a referral I need at some point.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

I just hope dealing with the misgendering at the clinic isn't a waste of my time. I haven't gotten any help for anything from urgent care or the hospital before, so I'm still not expecting it. I'm expecting "suck it up" or "have this pain med oh wait you can't ughh nvm"...

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

It's not fun to have to accept being misgendered, but it is my reality. On top of the fact I LIKE being feminine, I probably won't ever pass around cis white people and that's something in my life I'm gonna have to deal with forever no matter what I do.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

I do wish I had friends I felt comfortable talking to, or a capacity to play games with people right now. All I can do is lay down, which is fine that's just where I'm at, but it's a bummer that it seems anyone I know can and does socialize voice-to-voice and I haven't done that in so long...

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

Finally managed to not overeat for once! And a lot of the counted cals for today are actually from yesterday, which puts me in an even better spot for the month! I gotta keep this up, I have a lotta big meals and takeout stuff to deal with coming up but so long as I focus up it won't affect me

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Idk if I can nap but I want to this time. I'm just too emotionally vulnerable, I need rest. I ate food, I'm doing what I can for pain, I'll deal with exercise later, no caffeine for now, I just need sleep

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Today's been hard, and any time I feel like I'm getting a little break something else happens... I'm so exhausted

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

I really don't like having breakdowns so much. I know I have to learn to accept things as they are, but it's really really not going to be easy. I hurt myself last night, and I'm having a hard time accepting that still

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

I prefer bf waking me over the children whining or the construction noises at least. But I really did barely sleep and I really fucking hate myself too.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Bf accidentally woke me up with a text instead of Nala, she didn't meow apparently. Still can never manage to get enough sleep ever because I'm so sensitive, it's not like I had my sound on it was one tiny little vibration.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Sh early this morning but not even cvtting. And fucking hell I just wish it was at this point cuz I hate myself and I feel disgusting

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

That was nice to catch up on probably the oddest way imaginable. I'm tired, but idk if I can sleep yet. Hopefully soon.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Friend I made in 2020 (who I message very very rarely, like mayyybe twice a year and there was a huge part where I didn't at all) messaged and we've been sending strange texts back and forth. It's been nice, distracting, they're very funny so it's lightening my mood a lot.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Happy October I hope it's less shitty this time!

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Anyway sorry for whining I'll just go I feel like such a pain in the ass. I'm privileged to have a roof over my head and food in my fridge and any diagnoses and I'm on disability and I have a boyfriend so I really shouldn't complain just because I'm in pain. It could be so much worse.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

I feel like my pain can't possibly be that bad because of how much I do still. I shouldn't complain because I can still get out of bed, walk, make food, tolerate light and noise. I'm not dizzy, lightheaded, my heart and lungs are healthy. Like I don't have it that bad I should honestly shut up.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Pain makes depression so much worse and sometimes I can't distract myself from the pain so the depression doesn't get easier.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Depression hitting really bad and I'm also mad at myself for eating. Ffs. I should've just laid down and did nothing cuz I just feel double awful now.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

I didn't lose anything this month, but next month I'm gonna try to be stricter with myself and make up for extra calories properly. I really wanna be at my lw (or lower) for the 23rd of November (anniversary), and I totally can if I don't fuck everything up.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Did that thing where I have tomorrow's dessert today... Again hoping I don't regret this. At least tomorrow I have therapy in the morning, and I have lunch & dinner planned which helps.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Also sucks that literally if I'm not constantly distracted, I'm insanely fucking miserable. Is this how people live? Is this what's expected of me now until I'm old and dead? Never peace, just beating my mental illness with sticks until I don't have the energy? Cuz I'm already getting exhausted.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

K!nk blogs need to fuck off. I have one of those, never in my fucking mind would I follow a disordered blog. That's just deeply fucked up and creepy as shit, leave me alone.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Anyway I'm just gonna lay down and watch videos again. I'm so depressed and I feel bad for opening my mouth and complaining so much today.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Emailed my therapist because I'm not willing to call. I don't wanna deal with that, I'm not willing to do anything she suggests either because none of it is helping. Most of it just makes it worse actually.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

I already felt so shitty today. I keep getting hit with more shitty stuff anytime I start trying to cope. Therapy hasn't helped at all with my depression, it's made it worse in a lot of ways actually. I don't know how I'm gonna handle this, or anything, anymore.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Apparently next week, on top of adding 3 new people, we're having community staff members join in the group. I don't want to go anymore. I barely did, but I'm heavily considering just not showing up cuz it's too much for me. If I get misgendered once, I'm just leaving.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Pain fucking sucks. I'm less immediately hateful of myself mentally, but physically I feel horrible now. I already felt horrible, but I tried to do stuff and I hurt more. But if I did nothing, mentally I would be suffering more. This isn't fucking fair. I want drugs.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

My body is screaming at me while I'm playing this game. I'm gonna have to lay down after this cuz my mood is going down rapidly

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Got to see bf for a bit. Paced around to help ease the intensity of my depression. I'm coping. Gonna try to play a game lying down with a heating pad on

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

I gained almost 1kg from last week. I expected worse, so it's fine

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

I'm so depressed I don't have an appetite at all, but I'm going to make something and force it down my throat because I don't wanna hear it today.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Here's my games that shaped who I am today. (2nd row are the big ones for sure)

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

I don't wanna die quite so much anymore, the intensity wore down, but I'm still incredibly fucking depressed and I feel so on edge.

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Noah is tired|non-ed DNI @scaredangel.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Now I'm even more fucking depressed and I hate myself too. I feel like such a piece of shit.

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