iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

But maybe the lady does regular one on one sessions once things are settled? Like, maybe it can be upgraded? Well, first I need to call and ask if they have capacity for me… Scary. This is the part I failed at in 2019 and 2016… Phone calls. The horrors.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

But the only other therapist in my town… might only do group sessions atm… since we had some new reforms. (Merz leck Eier.) And I got hit with the antisocial beam. And the “pretend to be something you’re not while in the public eye” syndrome. So I wouldn’t open my mouth.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Considering how my sisters talk about me in their therapy sessions occasionally (positively, they like me, think I’m cool) I feel like… I don’t wanna shatter their therapists’ view of me, so we can not go there. It would be weird. They already have an opinion on me. So we’re down to one option.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Also 2019, we still had the option to pick one for “kids and teens” cuz I was a very lagging 19 year old. Lmao. But now I’m a full on proper adult. And I am still going to take my mom with me… cuz people are scary n I’m pathetic n cry easily.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Where the hell do I go now? I know two therapists that my sisters go to, so I can’t go to either of those… for confidentiality. And I know of one that was very rude to me and my mom. Not going there either. Then there was the one that couldn’t really do anything with me because I wasn’t talking…

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Also I kind of forgot that they did put me on medication in 2019… I just stopped taking the pills after they ran out (cuz I personally felt they weren’t doing anything to my mood)… aaand I didn’t want to go outside to see the psychiatrist for refills… cuz talking with humans is terrifying. Lolol.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

So we got the paper for transfer to a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist, in case I need meds as well… And we are written off as sick until the 26th… so I gotta get things sorted out by then. Also one of my neighbors (gramps) was at the doctor’s when I came in,,, hope he didn’t recognize me. 🫠

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

I don’t even remember the interaction all that well. And it’s barely been an hour since I left.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

Peeps at the place where I have to sit n look at jobs, told me I need to go to therapy. I was stressed from being talked to n started scratching my arm and then I cried a little. N now I need to go to the doctor ;/ (Doc is on lunch break, so I’ll try again tomorrow.)

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

Lori using Bambini as her personal pillow. 😭💕

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

Should prolly check out the bank account on the way back, since it’s a new month… Gotta calculate the finances. Good thing most of my financial aid automatically goes to my parents for utilities cuz I would not survive on my own. (Anime figurines and plushies ain’t very edible.)

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

It’s still so dark outside,,,, I just wanna keep sleeping and be pathetic.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

Bunnies came up to snuggle in bed with me for an hour, so I turned off my alarms and just enjoyed the moment. Gotta leave in ten minutes :(

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

All these job listings fucking suck. I don’t qualify for anything. I hate working in teams. Can’t somebody keep me as a pet?

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Ya gotta learn how to compromise. Staying alive is the compromise.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Having to look through job listings shouldn’t make me suicidal but I was legitimately struggling not to strangle myself. But it would’ve been difficult to explain to the 4 other people in the room. So yeah let’s not do that while there are people around…

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

And why does every person ask about “what type of work would be FUN to you?” Bruh! Work isn’t fun! I’m going to bite myself! Today was mentally exhausting. I fucking hate reality. I can be miserable at home!!! I don’t need to sit around at that schooling place for 4 n a half hours! Leave me alone!

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

The job market is fucking stupid. I can’t do anything. I don’t wanna lift heavy stuff, I don’t wanna sort files, I don’t wanna deal with people or animals, I hate gardening, I hate thinking, I hate going outside, I hate staring at a pc, I hate sooo many things.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

After leaving me alone for 3 hours, the lady came up to me and asked how I’d feel about an unpaid internship at the library… And asked if I’d wanna go into archiving… I hate sorting files. When I was 16 my grandma made me ask the library if they’d let me help and they said no, n I hold a grudge now.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Even looking at jobs for introverts does nothing for me. It’s mostly stuff that I’m too stupid for.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

And my laptop at home is too shitty for vtubing, which is why I tried png-tubing two years ago… but I need to talk for that… and I hate talking. I’m boring. Nobody would watch the shit if I’m not even having fun with it myself.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

I tried to doodle my visual novel characters but my art is so stiff and stupid. I don’t even want to draw anymore. Which is why I thought maybe writing a book would be better, at least that just requires typing… But I have no ideas and don’t even read any books myself, so I feel really dumb.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

And nobody has checked up on me yet. We’re currently on break. I wanna go home. It’s cold in here :/

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

It’s been two hours of googling for jobs and we somehow ended on - “how to write a book”, - “how to be a vtuber”, - “what topics can you talk about”, - click-working and doing questionnaires for a few pennies, - trying to ignore all the stupid ai learning and voice training shtick…

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

I’d rather go home early to be miserable in bed and restore energy from being up too early. Waking up early makes me sick, like I’m about to throw up. Just gotta spend all day nauseous and miserable. There are no jobs for my dumb ass that wouldn’t result with me trying to impale myself to get out.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Occasionally a lady will check in on you, to ask more questions, to figure out where to stick you later… for unpaid internships or where to send job applications for you… But that’s like 15-30 minutes… out of 4 whole hours where you are left to your own devices. And you get a 30 minutes lunch break.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Being left alone in a room with nothing to do, aside from googling jobs on a pc, for 4 hours… doesn’t make me want to get a job. I can’t even listen to music or anything. It’s just pure misery.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

I keep making grumbly noises whilst people expect legitimate answers from me. It’s actually really bad. The indecisiveness is one thing, but actually grumbling when I can’t thinking of what to say? Wow. What a weird thing to do.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

I made sure the weight would be low but yeah,,, width of the box adds extra expenses. But it’s still cheaper than fedex or ups… or whatever the hell dhl go green is doing… cuz that’s double. Hopefully I’ll never buy anything from outside again and use my brain next time.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

Zenmarket employee texted, they could unpack the figurines and fold up their individual boxes, n toss the extra plastic protection to save space n repack it smaller, but it would cost extra per every 15 minutes used on it,,, so I guess I’ll just leave it as is and suck it up :/ Oh, I miss airmail.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Also we are age regressing so hard. It’s insane. Stop buying junk!! You don’t need anime figurines!!! You don’t even have shelves!!! Have you seen the pile of cardboard boxes in the corner? You have enough stuff already! I don’t care if these characters are your friends! You have no job!!!! >:0

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Would be phenomenal if you’d just go to therapy already. You stupid bum. Seriously. It’s getting really bad. You forgot what you spend your money on. PayPal is too easy to use. You just hit okay a buncha times and there goes the money.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Sometimes it feels like I’m not in control of my actions, but I don’t wanna avoid accountability or anything. I’m just… plural? I think? Like, sometimes there’s a different iteration of myself in the front of my brain… if that makes sense? Dissociative identity disorder, I’m guessing. Or I’m dumb.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

This is fine. 🥲 I did this to myself. Don’t worry about it. And then whenever the stuff gets shipped to me in… November(?) I’ll have to resell some of the stuff… cuz I don’t even have space for it. Seriously who was working the brain that night? Don’t buy stuff while delirious…

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Ughhhhh,,,, forget it. One item in the package is in the warehouse for 32 days now… Up to 60 days are free. Anything over will get a fee. I’ll just wait it out. I’ll use the allowance from October aaand November… to pay for the shipping… and then I’ll be in the negatives until December…

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Instead of coming up with a legitimate solution to my problem, my brain keeps telling me to kill myself. As if that would solve anything. Like. Seriously. It’s been doing that since 2013 and I can’t get it to stop. I don’t even want to die. I’m not suicidal. I just can’t think.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

I really hate having to draw. I’m so uninspired. But I legitimately don’t have any other skill that could be profitable… but forcing myself into drawing is also really not good.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Guess I gotta open comms n draw. Love pressuring myself. I have like 25 days to earn the money, cuz one item has already been in the warehouse for 30 days and they only keep the stuff there for free up to 60 days… but I still need to ship it out before then. So a few days early for processing…

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

49cm × 49cm × 41cm - 5670g VERSAND: ¥29,471 VERSICHERT MEHWERTSTEUER: ¥8,484 Ich hasse es hier.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Scheiß Mehrwertsteuer packt fasst 9000 Yen extra drauf.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

I’m seriously ending it all. Why did I have to buy so many Figures with boxes,,, they take up so much space, so they had to put everything into one extra large box… and with the size it gets more expensive. Idk of splitting it into two boxes would be cheaper…

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

We love Germany and its extra fees that ya gotta pay upfront on top of the shipping for imported goods… 💀

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

I’m fucking killing myself,,, they want like ~240€ just for the shipping????

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

At the new schooling thing and ten minutes after the appointment was supposed to start, only 3 other people showed up. Aside from not knowing where to go and being lost, before a lady working here almost bumped into me… n gave me a tour… I’m lost on why I’m even here.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

The nervousness of being forced to go to new environments and be surrounded by strangers, way too early in the morning… is making my stomach upset. Feel like throwing up. Lolol. I don’t even know where I’m supposed to enter the building, or who to talk to. Gotta leave home in an hour.

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

Yeah, understandable. It’s kinda mid. 😩

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Sanmi~🎃💤 @sanmisui.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

Also happy international rabbit day!

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