Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 28/09/2026It’s okay to not be okay lol no it isn’t that’s not what okay means come on 040
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 27/09/2026One time while sleepwalking I texted a friend around 4am, “Oh no Whitney Houston died” when she had been dead like ten years 5180
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 26/09/2026If I wrote a show about lawyers where there’s two lawyers in love I’d have one of them do it with a bartender up on the actual bar and when the other lawyer finds out they’d say I can’t believe you cheated on the bar 040
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 25/09/2026I bring a punch bowl and ladle and slurp loudly from the ladle and before the interviewer can speak I pull a flask out of my tuxedo jacket and whisper “you want in on this boss” and spike the punch and I get the job every fucking time I’m like CEO of a hundred companies or something 0120
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 24/09/2026Congrats on this achievement and also on being our most Real Estate Billboard looking pop star 170
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 22/09/2026I play a game on my commute that I call VEST and the rule is when I see a guy who works in an office wearing one of those zippered corporate sports vests I quietly say “vest” 060
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 21/09/2026This absolute idiot on the train is audibly laughing to outtakes from the movie Spy (is what I imagine the guy sitting next to me is about to post) 040
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 19/09/2026What was Tan Mom’s deal was it just that she was tan 121
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 16/09/2026I’ve mainly heard Ed Sheeran’s music in Lyfts so to me it’s the sound of being a little carsick 081
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 15/09/2026A lot of people making fun of this look are just revealing they’ve never won a scavenger hunt before 090
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 15/09/2026Double-checked how many Emmy nominations they received over four seasons and the answer is indeed zero and I’m not the Comedy Category Police but 030
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 15/09/2026I’m happy for all the Emmy winners even though I was snubbed again this year (I played a parking meter on Beef) 040
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 14/09/2026I’ll be over at Mitch’s house talking his ear off and then his chair turns around and it’s a skeleton. Dude I scream every time. He’s coming back to work asap, I’d say tomorrow most likely 170
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 13/09/2026Drunk guy just stumbled up to me on the sidewalk last night and said WHO THE FUCK IS COLIN FARRELL and then left before I could tell him 1160
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 08/09/2026Jake won’t see you guys dunking on him for being dumb and bad at his job but your dumb and bad at his job friend me will 060
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 08/09/2026Trying to solve Connections during my film’s standing ovation at the Venice film festival 000
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 08/09/2026The most important thing about being a comedian is honing your point-of-view and the second is selling that little tray (that you can maybe use for keys or jewelry?) for two dollars on Instagram stories 131
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 05/09/2026Thinking again that my dog is likely, at minimum, a quadruplet 020
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 04/09/2026Huh I didn’t realize there were so many mushmouth idiots in Delaware 130
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 04/09/2026“Mac-and-cheese startup” is what I call boiling water 1181
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 30/08/2026Wrote “Garrison Ford” in my Notes app what could this mean 170
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 29/08/2026I can’t believe it’s almost September. Only one more weekend left to cook too many hotdogs and bash my own face in 010
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 29/08/2026I went to four different cookie sites to see if any had an “Accept all cookies” popup and when one finally did it didn’t give me the rush I was after 070
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 28/08/2026I never got to be on one of those t-shirts that were like this name and this name and that name and that name 170
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 27/08/2026Sorry everyone for my own mental health I’ve decided to take a break from social media okay I’m back what did I miss 040
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 27/08/2026You don’t need a degree to do most jobs, but the degree creates yearning, which you need to make your job worse 1120
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 27/08/2026Little Orphan Annie was a nepo baby (eventually) 181
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 27/08/2026Posted without context or promo, just sharing because this laugh felt good 040
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 27/08/2026You’re not gonna believe this but there are some real characters at the Amtrak station in the middle of the night 090
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 25/08/2026“I didn’t have a coat and it was way down in the fall” best lyric of all time maybe 130
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 23/08/2026Do you have to go back down the Jennifer Hudson Spirit Tunnel on your way out 060
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 23/08/2026I just mixed collagen peptides into a Diet Mt Dew, trying to meet myself where I’m at 060
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 23/08/2026Visiting my parents, enjoying a Zero Sugar Twist Up 190
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 22/08/2026Fell asleep for an hour and now I cannot find my AirPods, which were in my ears 000
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 22/08/2026Someone on the train spilled their tea on my tote bag of comics and notebooks and I am choosing to be so chill about it 160
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 21/08/2026I loved this. If you’re in Chicago you have two more chances to see it. Produced by @kuyaknoll.bsky.social 1134
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 20/08/2026If I were Dakota Johnson heads would roll over not getting all-caps status in this. Whole team fired. Bowl of limes through a window 030
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 19/08/2026Fucking around but still haven’t found out (no spoilers!) 180
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 19/08/2026Welcome to the airport please empty your pockets and step into this x-ray machine so we can see what’s in your pockets 070
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 18/08/2026Even if I work on the moon I’m calling it my day job 010
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 17/08/2026I think she might be in a Sucker Punch situation 000
Ryan Burkett @ryanburkett.bsky.social · 17/08/2026“These guys look dumb playing The Beatles” that’s you that’s how you sound right now 020
