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![I remember [deleted name] was at the event and she put elaborate make-up on me to compliment the costume. It was all done for a laugh. But I remember how much I enjoyed the feeling of the make-up brushes on my face and the way my eyelids felt heavier with the paint. I remember that night talking to [deleted name] and confessing that it was probably the closest I was ever going to come to feeling like a truly pretty girl. And that part of me had always wanted to know that feeling.
I haven't felt that way since until I tried on the skirts again recently. But this time I was able to approach them without the conceit that I was doing it for a charity. I didn't need to tell myself that there was a trick involved or that I would just go back to being me tomorrow and never do it again.
I felt like I could play around with it and get comfortable, not just in the skirt but in my own skin.
So often when trying to think about this I'd remember back at Alcon people saying, to my face, "you look ridiculous." And logically, I did. I can understand that reaction because as far as an audience is considered, I was doing that for the absurdity of it. But it still gets stuck in my head sometimes. That no matter how I try, no matter how pretty I feel, someone is going to think or say that I look ridiculous or ugly.
But that voice is so much quieter than the one inside me that wants to be let out to play.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:3venpcgf47clyp4mmui3ciak/bafkreiacjfwjpxq5u2qtcah6h2m3v2bms2uvojbqufqwoosoisikefnpqm)
![Getting to wear a dress with friends in Ohio was really wonderful, and if that is the closest I get to being able to share that side of me with the world - even if it's always that group of friends, or some smaller variant - I will cherish that forever. I couldn't tell you how it felt wearing my clothes yesterday, but I can tell you the joy I had wearing that dress around other people - including the people making our food. I felt no judgment.
I have loved every day where I have worn my skirts. I'm trying to wear them especially when I'm feeling not so good, because they guarantee I'll feel a little more cheerful - even if they don't bring me back to a state of total happiness every time.
So part of me is [deleted name]. Part of me is always wearing the Sailor Moon costume. Part of me is always wearing make-up, it just isn't visible. Part of me is still tiny Martini posing and strutting for the camera my mother is holding, knowing that that is the only time she will ever see anything resembling the joy of what I truly feel deep inside. A part of myself she never loved, and will never love her.
This is how the skirts make me feel.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:3venpcgf47clyp4mmui3ciak/bafkreiaojgfp2pyksvjlxcy44nbpkwm7gtwrfdwtliejh7vswmnsbn5j5q)
