iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

I know it's selfish to want things in life but I'm miserable and just want some proper happiness. I don't know what that is but it's something I really want... I just hope it shows up one day...

000

I wonder when someone will come spend time with me again... Maybe even spend meaningful time without a reason to just leave... Maybe even stay over once in a while... Make this not feel like prison

000

Not like anyone ever listened to me anyways. I've always been unimportant... Why would that ever change? Just fuck it...

000

I have no dreams or aspirations anymore. What am I supposed to even do? I've got nothing... I don't belong anywhere... I feel isolated... Unwanted... I wonder if anyone will actually ask what's wrong and actually listen cause it doesn't seem like anyone does...

100

I should just shut up, put on my mask, and pretend everything is okay... That's what I'm expected to do.

000

Yep... Same old, same old...

000

I don't know why I thought people would come to me.

000

I just need to be wanted, supported, held.

000

I'll just put my mask back on and pretend everything is okay because that's what everyone just wants me to do. Fuck actually supporting me. 🎭

000

My stomach has been upset. My entire body is upset. I haven't felt at ease for days... It's not like that's going to change either...

000

I don't know how to communicate anymore... I've tried... Been left alone, never figured it out... I've never been allowed to speak the hurt in my heart... Never been able to develop those bonds that tie us... Never been able to connect and love... Just teased and told to deal with it alone

000

I really don't know why I say anything... I really don't expect anyone to read... It's unlikely because no one ever has... I'm not allowed to talk about things with anyone anyways... I don't expect them to care about how I actually feel anyways...

000

I just wish someone would help me feel happy... That's all I want

000

No one understands. No one wants to understand. I don't know how to explain. But I'm not really able to try... I just wish everyone would understand how much I need something more. Why am I the only one who just has to accept things? I wish someone would do more for me, but they won't, they never do

000

I feel like I'm clinging to hope that's not actually there

000

I've honestly had such little experience with either it's hard to remember what either feel like... It's been so infrequent, inconsistent and fleeting in my life that I have no idea....

000

I just need more than the bare minimum... I can't remember the last time I got to just sit and talk about nonsense with someone. Just able to be open and honest and unashamed. I can't remember the last time I've had someone hold me and make me feel safe and secure and loved.

100

Alone, disconnected, without purpose or place, lacking, unsure, miserable, without community, without family, a piece that never fits in, never truly belonging, seeking love and affection, confused and frustrated, bottled up, just want to be held, trusted, needed, wanted, loved.

100

I just don't belong anywhere

000

Because why would I ever need anyone?... I'm fine. I got this. Nothing is wrong with me. 🎭

000

Yeah... Just fuck me... Cause no... I'm not alright... But when had that been anyone else's concern? Once in a while when I'm at my limit? Otherwise weeks... Months... Literally just abandoned and ignored... But does anyone else care? No... Everything else is more important than me

100

I've just gotta deal with it all by myself. Expected to just smile and take it. Why would my actual happiness be of anyone else's concern anyways? But I guess I just need to shut up and accept it. Because fuck me.

100

Okay cool... I'm completely fine all by myself all the time. I don't need people to come spend time with me. Why must the effort always be on me? I shouldn't expect people to come visit me... Apparently that's just a lot of ask...

111

I guess I'm just expected to put on my happy face and pretend everything is fine.

000

It's so fucking hard to care anymore.

000

Am I just supposed to put on a mask and pretend I'm not miserable just to make things seem fine? Cause that's how it feels I always have to do things... Just bottle it up and keep it hidden away

000

At this point I'm honestly afraid to be physically and emotionally intimate. I'm so broken I didn't think I would be able to. I lack those skills. I missed out on being able to acquire them.

000

It's not like anyone really understands how I feel or even seems to want to... As much as I could use a friendly ear to just be there... People to be there when I'm having a crisis... People who trust, don't judge, who I can be open with and not fear... Instead I'm alone.

000

But you know I'm just talking to the void... Not like anyone is going to read or care about any of this... Why should they? I'm not important.

100