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Phidias

@phidias.bsky.social
27 followers 14 following 39 posts

Only here to post fake news headlines. I’m not funny enough to write for The Onion, but a guy can dream, right?

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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 06/05/2026
I mean, in all fairness his own mother is quoted saying that Donald should never get into politics because he would be a disaster. His dad was a racist real estate developer who wouldn’t rent to black people. His parents told us all we needed to know. One without saying a word.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
Aunties out there taking NO fucking prisoners. Goddamn this makes me happy.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
This would be funnier if I could still perform sexually after eating a fucking Whopper.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
Does a poet know, while in the throes of a master soliloquy, where he is? No. An artist doesn’t CARE where they create their wonders. Does a bowl of clam chowder KNOW that it’s inside Donald Trumps skull, masquerading as a brain? Of course not.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
…….and I am 100% not surprised it happened on one of those floating hazmat disasters.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
Well Ron, I’m not sure how much you know of demonic pacts, but if they say those 4 things a gaping, flaming maw of blood opens and tentacled horrors pull their body and souls to a befouled dimension where their very humanity is flayed for consumption by undying Lords of Suffering.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
Ah. The majesty of nature laid bare in all its celestial wonder. If only I could afford the gas needed to drive out of the city to see it.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
As a vet I can confirm that counting to 15 is not a skill we all possess. Ok ok don’t get all fucking mad. We all had that one guy in the unit that you didn’t want walking behind you with a gun and got lost in the berthing head.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
“Wildly” waving a Faygo. Let’s give his insane mania the credit it’s due.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
I don’t know who you are June, but you are the hero we need right now.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
This is only half true. After repeated interactions with Ouija Boards, graveside Q&A’s, Mediums, ancient idols and that fucking Annabel doll, I can confirm that the Dead knew this would be a cock-up from the get go.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
Kevin is ADORABLE in thinking that Democrats won’t completely fuck this up.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
Look Clay, we’re a little too far along on this merry-go-round of bullshit to be limiting our imaginations on what this coke-fueled ventriloquist dummy spews from his face hole. Along with Hegseth butchering Pulp Fiction, I’ll bet Patel rolls into his next briefing quoting ICP.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
Another fun percentage is how we would be 100% better off if Bill had, you know, listened to you and implemented policy on your advice. Numbers are fun!
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
Well, my first thought was that this is a White House spread for some visiting team. But yeah, this right here? This what we call the bullshit.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 23/04/2026
Well, as a sailor who once participated in a ceremony where King Neptune blessed me with His permission to sail His seas, we Navy people believe some weird shit. I’m not sure this clown qualifies though. Monterrey sounds like a place I want to visit RIGHT Now.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 21/04/2026
The only way these idiots are going to experience ANY of those things is if they all do a Hot Ones episode. I for one want to ask Johnson a lot of uncomfortable questions while he’s trying to choke down “The Bomb”.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 21/04/2026
Oh Beach… don’t go down that road. The things we learned at a young age age that Trump tramples on? That’s a long, very depressing list.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 21/04/2026
If we include the middle and working class pedophiles then we would have greatness coming out of our ass.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 21/04/2026
That implies that at some point they did know?
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 21/04/2026
Biker, I too struggle with reaching my full potential in some tasks. Cooking, exercise, verbal restraint, etc. So I’m here to tell you that you have my support. I’m here for you. The community is here for you. The world is here for you. Together we WILL overstate how goddamn stupid GOP voters are.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 21/04/2026
I find this scurrilous statement vicious, cruel and simply untrue. Frankly, this sort of bombastic hyperbole and attack is exactly what’s wrong with our toxic politics. Some of them are just corrupt.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 18/04/2026
Send a message like half the country NOT voting for him twice? Look, I want that clown gone too, but merrily waving a PETITION around and thinking THAT will shame them and convince others? That is breathtakingly stupid thinking. The kind of stupid thinking that got this horror elected twice.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 18/04/2026
While there is admittedly suspicious activity in the seconds before and directly after the shot, that’s really all we have. These aren’t Rhodes Scholars you know. He wholeheartedly embraces the abandonment of expertise and competence in the people around him. I don’t think they could pull it off.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 17/04/2026
When the tape fell to the floor, did you pick it up pick it up?
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 17/04/2026
Yeah, I hate saying this is normal Navy deployment life………but this is normal Navy deployment life. The last few days before an unrep (underway replenishment at sea) the galley gets REALLY lean. It’s only a few days, then it’s back to normal amounts of food.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 16/04/2026
I think that’s exactly how they view consent.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 16/04/2026
Look, he just kidnapped one head of state. There a 1000% chance that he’s got Hegseth coming up with plans to fight the Swiss Guard and kidnap the Pope. What should be a buddy comedy pitch is sadly, almost certainly now an actual fucking plan.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 16/04/2026
Why? We allowed this to happen. I don’t have enough space here to list all the ways Democratic leadership has failed this country over the last 10 years. Their unforgivable, shortsighted, unimaginative, lackadaisical and pathetic failings are why Republicans and Trump can act in this manner today.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 16/04/2026
No, no, no. Listen, you can’t just come out and SAY the true thing. You have to wrap it up carefully, with tenderness and love. These are simple farmers. People of the land. The common clay of the new west. You know. Morons. But yeah, he’s fucking NUTS.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 16/04/2026
Why stop now?
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 16/04/2026
I’ve rarely heard someone that drunk be both that articulate and that wrong.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 16/04/2026
I’ve never felt more seen.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 16/04/2026
Wouldn’t it be great if we had some sort of government entity that could investigate possible environmental impacts of an industry and have those findings reviews by imminently qualified experts who could then force compliance of environmental standards through meaningful legislation? Crazy, right?!
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 16/04/2026
He’s a talk show host cosplaying a Secretary of Defense, confirmed by senators pretending to deliberate his qualifications and nominated by a moral pauper who thinks he’s a king. Of COURSE he’s going to fuck up a bible verse, along with anything else in a 12 foot fucking radius.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 08/04/2026
Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announces nations newest Ford class super carrier to be christened the U.S.S Mai Lai.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 08/04/2026
Ursha Vance slaps husband and Vice President of the United States repeatedly with a rolled up magazine after he refers to a valley as a “holler” for the 5th fucking time.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 08/04/2026
After Meta Glasses security update, local flasher upset that they now pixilate his junk when exposing himself. “What the hells the goddamn point of it all”?, laments heartbroken pervert.
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Phidias @phidias.bsky.social · 08/04/2026
Press profoundly disappointed that after capture, local cannibal “just eats them”, without revealing any grisly details.
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