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Paper Snail

@papersnail.bsky.social
257 followers 549 following 480 posts

Going about things slowly

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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
There's two kinds of people in this world: those who think yogurt "expires" and those who know it doesnt
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 09/09/2026
tonight is for The Ape of Naples
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
I'm a biological supremacist
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 01/09/2026
I'm so mad at Rita('s the custard and Italian ice stand, who had cantaloupe flavored Italian ice ONCE five years ago and every summer I check the flavors and every day there's no cantaloupe)
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 31/08/2026
I feel very strongly that it should not cost $1 extra to get a sprinkle cilantro and garlic on a piece of naan
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 24/08/2026
Log is a shape. You can make a cabin out out of logs of non-wood materials and it's still a log cabin.
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
Looking at a digital copy of "Σ = a = b = a + b" that popped up on BC & my heart drops when I see 1932-2026 after Radigue's name. I completely missed that she left us (6mo ago - two wks after the birth of my son) and now I'm feeling extra melancholic on this, my children's first day of Kindergarten
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 14/08/2026
Constantly have "How many times does your pee split in half, George Bush, George Bush?" stuck in my head
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 09/08/2026
Just learned that "dog soup" was slang for "water" in the 1930s
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 04/08/2026
"Their trees are all gross"
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 15/07/2026
Just discovered I can still recite an embarrassing amount of Brans Freestyle
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 12/07/2026
I got cyclospora cause I think washing raspberries kinda ruins them
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 10/07/2026
Substack is just LinkedIn for people with liberal arts degrees and no W-2s
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 28/06/2026
Saw an Elmo doll with human teeth at the Oddities Expo and the tag said "Hellmo"
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 25/06/2026
The most successful corpo op of all time has gotta be convincing people that calling someone a "sell out" is bad and that selling out is just "getting that bag!"
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 29/05/2026
No one knows how to talk about anything without sounding like bad copy from a press release and I HATE IT
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 10/05/2026
An illiterate elementary school teacher named Mrs. Sippie
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 10/05/2026
I just realized I have no idea what elegance is
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 28/04/2026
Back in my day schools were full of little birdheaded ladies
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 26/04/2026
Tweety bird airbrush is like a pennyfarther bike now
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 01/04/2026
I do not care to be efficient
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 19/01/2026
The "Smile" guy is remaking Possession and I'm upset
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 11/01/2026
FDNY sweatshirt but its FD&C Yellow No. 5
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 10/01/2026
Going to start introducing myself as either Deuce Bigelow Male Juggalo or The Guy Who Made Deuce Bigelow Male Juggalo
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 10/01/2026
I'm a high end juggalo
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 02/01/2026
My wife asked me why we have Andy Milonakis's 50th Birthday on our calendar
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 01/01/2026
Imagine arguing that Pee-Wee Herman is more of a little bitch than Elmo
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 26/12/2025
practicing Byronic alienation
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 15/12/2025
It's very funny to imagine someone's last words being their catchphrase
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 13/12/2025
The best record of the year is Eliana Glass's "E" and it seems a lot of people don't know
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 11/12/2025
Heckler: "That's not a joke, its just a portmanteau!"
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 10/12/2025
Told my wife I've been checking out these "Adult Models online" and I was talking about little wooden puzzles
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 29/11/2025
Dudes used to look like Kenny vs. Spenny
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 16/11/2025
Just found out Ari Marcopoulos is almost 70
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 13/11/2025
lol New Albany is hosting James Carville vs. Reince Priebus
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 26/10/2025
Where my Sulphites at
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 26/10/2025
Gonna bring back calling people Bromides
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 22/10/2025
Lope de Vega deathbed meme for no one
A meme composed of a screencap from the classic "I don't care that you broke your arm" video but the kid's head has been replaced with a portrait of Spanish playwright Lope de Vega (1562-1635), whose last words (which he gave only after being assured he was really about to die) are printed over the image: "All right then, I'll say it. Dante makes me sick."
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 11/10/2025
When I save a funny lil internet thing on my phone I always try to name the file in such a way that it's possible to search for & find it later but also doesn't give away the punchline so that if I have since forgotten I can still be surprised and enjoy the funny lil internet thing once again
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 02/04/2025
Obsessed with Kanye explaining what a PDF is "for anyone who doesn't know"
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 29/03/2025
Shocked to see CCH Pounder is not a professional wrestler
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 08/03/2025
My wife is always saying "please don't show me anymore internet," but I can't just let her miss all this wacky stuff
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 28/02/2025
"Potato is a boy's name"
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 14/02/2025
All I want to do is sit on my ass and fart and think of Dante. —Samuel Beckett
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 12/02/2025
Shaboozey gotta be the most obvious psyop in a while
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 09/02/2025
Everything is shit right now but I'm on my fourth spin of the Moor Mother & SUMAC record that's dropping in April and it is truly incredible material - powerful, moving, & thrilling art for "these times" / all times. Moor Mother is honestly just on an unstoppable run. What a body of work.
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 16/01/2025
Philip Guston, Kettle, 1978
A painting of a kettle sitting on a flat red plane with a black background, a wisp of steam is curling out of it's spout.
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 12/01/2025
Toddler heard me watching TV after she went to bed and asked my wife "What's Daddy watching, some miserable movie about dogs?" It was Jeopardy.
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 01/01/2025
Today is December 1,493rd 2020
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Paper Snail @papersnail.bsky.social · 28/12/2024
I (36M) have treatment-resistant depression and my wife (34F) called me Eeyore for criticizing Squid Game S2. Now I'm gonna KMS. AITA?
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