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Morgan Phillips

@morgan.bsky.social
945 followers 480 following 855 posts

Improv at UCB in NYC. Was in a couple of issues of McSweeney’s, but a long time ago when it was less impressive. He/Him.

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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
Humans are infinitely beautiful, said the three dimensional flesh creature
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 27/08/2026
The CIA director didn’t fly to Moscow to offer a deal where they help with Iran and we help with Ukraine, right? Cool, just checking
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 14/08/2026
LFG
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 07/08/2026
NYT: Remember ice cream? Cold, sweet and sticky, it’s the highlight of a hot summer’s day. Me: You mean fro-yo? NYT: No, ice cream. It’s different. Me: … NYT: You can get it on a cone, or in a cup… Me: I’m pretty sure you’re talking about fro-yo
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 23/07/2026
We can’t even do theocracy right
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 22/07/2026
They’re so terrified of everything, must be exhausting
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 22/07/2026
Pinky Herman invented the word “affordability”
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 22/07/2026
I hope none of them were prisoners of war, he famously hates those guys
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 16/07/2026
“Expect CBS to do the same” 🤔
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 14/07/2026
Cut to the conspiracy accidentally being uncovered when Kash Patel’s gf has a gig at the Kremlin
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 14/07/2026
I’ve stopped believing in so many things over the last several years, one of those things is “white hat hackers who have the ability to break into any computer database”
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 14/07/2026
I guess my deal is that when I concentrate I’m able to see the infinite and overwhelming beauty in everything, but also I assume the “beauty” is actually just my tiny li’l meat brain short circuiting?
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 13/07/2026
Wait, what if it WASN’T just a “Roman salute” 😨😨😨
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 08/07/2026
Okay but is it a war yet
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 08/07/2026
My pitch to George R.R. Martin is for him to go meta with the last two books - insert himself as a character, incorporate writer’s block into the magic system
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 08/07/2026
It’s almost as if a bunch of rich people make money when oil prices jump around, especially if they have insider information. Weird!
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
Doesn’t Iran know that they can get away with blowing up ships in international waters if they call them drug boats? That’s okay now, right?
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
The Minions using the Necronomicon to summon Cthulhu was on my 2026 bingo card, if Tilly Norwood gets a cabinet position then I WIN THE PRIZE
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
We deserve Tilly Norwood
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 06/07/2026
Do extra dimensional aliens find it cute that our scientists put so much effort into exploring and describing the 3D universe
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 05/07/2026
The inclusion of “September” in this July 4th medley is a genius choice
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 04/07/2026
After last night’s apocalyptic thunderstorm followed by fireworks, this morning my dog did his “Father, see the treats up there on the shelf?” routine, except for his Doggy Prozac
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 03/07/2026
Pretty sure this is the first time I’ve gotten a text from ConEd saying “heads up, we’re gonna send you less electricity, some of your stuff might not work” I HOPE THE DATA CENTERS WILL BE OKAY
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 30/06/2026
Stop complaining about Trump spending so much money on construction projects, you obviously know nothing about the man. He never pays contractors
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 25/06/2026
Are they the Kylie ones
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 25/06/2026
Today’s NY Times crossword has a clue deliberately designed to troll improv comedy people: “Bit of improv” (4 letters)
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 23/06/2026
Philip K. Dick would have been huge on TikTok
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 22/06/2026
You can’t make me learn about the hot new band Geese and then a year later reveal that this whole time there’s also been an even more successful band called Goose
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 21/06/2026
It would be so unfortunate if somebody made a scale model of Epstein Island and floated it out into the middle of the reflecting pool
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 20/06/2026
Hey remember when we blew up the leader of another country because we thought the country might be a threat some day? So is that legal now, or what exactly is the deal
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Reposted by Morgan Phillips
The Onion @theonion.com · 18/06/2026
Get on board. InfoWars launches July 2, 8 p.m. EST
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 15/06/2026
Serious question: If Elon has a stroke, does the US economy crash?
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 15/06/2026
Worried that while I’m away my A.I. appliances say cruel things to my dog
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 12/06/2026
Remember when the first trillionaire said Trump wasn’t releasing the files because he was in the files? And he is indeed in the files, and he’s not releasing the files because he’s in the files? Do you remember that? Wild. Anyway, excited for the bloodsport fight at the Lincoln Memorial
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 12/06/2026
If only he’d been a trillionaire 12 years ago, I bet he wouldn’t have had to beg so hard to visit the island
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 11/06/2026
Hear me out, what if the COWS were AI drones
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 10/06/2026
The Gaslight War
“U.S. and Iran Trade Strikes in New Test of Cease-Fire” headline from the NYT
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 08/06/2026
Vampire?
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 08/06/2026
I hope one day we’re visited by god-like space aliens who share their utopian blueprint with us and it’s literally just “if someone’s personal wealth surpasses a billion astro dollars then we eat them”
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 08/06/2026
I believe in you, NYC
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 08/06/2026
Personally I’d have needed more specific information about the cheese than “tangy”
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 08/06/2026
I’m not sure how much longer this fragile ceasefire will hold
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 04/06/2026
Did she bet on whether she’d do that, first?
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 03/06/2026
The Golden Age of gaslighting
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 03/06/2026
There are currently Toy Story 5 audio ads on NYC subway trains and in stations, and they are GLORIOUS. Excruciatingly loud and garbled, totally incomprehensible except for something about “tech” and a snippet of Randy Newman melody. This is the dystopian Singularity we were promised
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 02/06/2026
They’re going to do it in the ballroom, it’ll be like in Return of the Jedi when the Emperor reveals the Death Star is fully operational
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 01/06/2026
Which D of chess are we up to now? 8D?
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 01/06/2026
If you’re confused about the term “ceasefire” and how it now includes the possibility of active fighting, you are old fashioned and still clinging to the idea that words have permanent meanings. We are still in a ceasefire, we have always been in a ceasefire
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 31/05/2026
Are we not all assuming the drones are there to protect the bunker during the next insurrection? 🤔
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 30/05/2026
Imagine how cool the movie would be if he had a 10’ vertical leap
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