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Morgan Phillips

@morgan.bsky.social
945 followers 480 following 855 posts

Improv at UCB in NYC. Was in a couple of issues of McSweeney’s, but a long time ago when it was less impressive. He/Him.

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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
Humans are infinitely beautiful, said the three dimensional flesh creature
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 27/08/2026
The CIA director didn’t fly to Moscow to offer a deal where they help with Iran and we help with Ukraine, right? Cool, just checking
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 07/08/2026
NYT: Remember ice cream? Cold, sweet and sticky, it’s the highlight of a hot summer’s day. Me: You mean fro-yo? NYT: No, ice cream. It’s different. Me: … NYT: You can get it on a cone, or in a cup… Me: I’m pretty sure you’re talking about fro-yo
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 22/07/2026
They’re so terrified of everything, must be exhausting
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 14/07/2026
Cut to the conspiracy accidentally being uncovered when Kash Patel’s gf has a gig at the Kremlin
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 14/07/2026
I’ve stopped believing in so many things over the last several years, one of those things is “white hat hackers who have the ability to break into any computer database”
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 14/07/2026
I guess my deal is that when I concentrate I’m able to see the infinite and overwhelming beauty in everything, but also I assume the “beauty” is actually just my tiny li’l meat brain short circuiting?
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 13/07/2026
Wait, what if it WASN’T just a “Roman salute” 😨😨😨
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 08/07/2026
Okay but is it a war yet
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 08/07/2026
My pitch to George R.R. Martin is for him to go meta with the last two books - insert himself as a character, incorporate writer’s block into the magic system
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 08/07/2026
It’s almost as if a bunch of rich people make money when oil prices jump around, especially if they have insider information. Weird!
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
The Minions using the Necronomicon to summon Cthulhu was on my 2026 bingo card, if Tilly Norwood gets a cabinet position then I WIN THE PRIZE
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
We deserve Tilly Norwood
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 06/07/2026
Do extra dimensional aliens find it cute that our scientists put so much effort into exploring and describing the 3D universe
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 05/07/2026
The inclusion of “September” in this July 4th medley is a genius choice
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 04/07/2026
After last night’s apocalyptic thunderstorm followed by fireworks, this morning my dog did his “Father, see the treats up there on the shelf?” routine, except for his Doggy Prozac
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 03/07/2026
Pretty sure this is the first time I’ve gotten a text from ConEd saying “heads up, we’re gonna send you less electricity, some of your stuff might not work” I HOPE THE DATA CENTERS WILL BE OKAY
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 30/06/2026
Stop complaining about Trump spending so much money on construction projects, you obviously know nothing about the man. He never pays contractors
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 25/06/2026
Today’s NY Times crossword has a clue deliberately designed to troll improv comedy people: “Bit of improv” (4 letters)
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 23/06/2026
Philip K. Dick would have been huge on TikTok
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 22/06/2026
You can’t make me learn about the hot new band Geese and then a year later reveal that this whole time there’s also been an even more successful band called Goose
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 21/06/2026
It would be so unfortunate if somebody made a scale model of Epstein Island and floated it out into the middle of the reflecting pool
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 20/06/2026
Hey remember when we blew up the leader of another country because we thought the country might be a threat some day? So is that legal now, or what exactly is the deal
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Reposted by Morgan Phillips
The Onion @theonion.com · 18/06/2026
Get on board. InfoWars launches July 2, 8 p.m. EST
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 15/06/2026
Worried that while I’m away my A.I. appliances say cruel things to my dog
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 12/06/2026
Remember when the first trillionaire said Trump wasn’t releasing the files because he was in the files? And he is indeed in the files, and he’s not releasing the files because he’s in the files? Do you remember that? Wild. Anyway, excited for the bloodsport fight at the Lincoln Memorial
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 12/06/2026
If only he’d been a trillionaire 12 years ago, I bet he wouldn’t have had to beg so hard to visit the island
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 10/06/2026
The Gaslight War
“U.S. and Iran Trade Strikes in New Test of Cease-Fire” headline from the NYT
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 08/06/2026
I hope one day we’re visited by god-like space aliens who share their utopian blueprint with us and it’s literally just “if someone’s personal wealth surpasses a billion astro dollars then we eat them”
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 08/06/2026
I believe in you, NYC
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 08/06/2026
I’m not sure how much longer this fragile ceasefire will hold
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 03/06/2026
There are currently Toy Story 5 audio ads on NYC subway trains and in stations, and they are GLORIOUS. Excruciatingly loud and garbled, totally incomprehensible except for something about “tech” and a snippet of Randy Newman melody. This is the dystopian Singularity we were promised
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 01/06/2026
If you’re confused about the term “ceasefire” and how it now includes the possibility of active fighting, you are old fashioned and still clinging to the idea that words have permanent meanings. We are still in a ceasefire, we have always been in a ceasefire
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 28/05/2026
Not now, Sun
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 28/05/2026
If attacking the other side Does not break a FRAGILE CEASEFIRE Is it not then actually an INCREDIBLY STRONG CEASEFIRE?
NY Times headline saying the U.S. attacking Iran threatens the “fragile ceasefire”
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 27/05/2026
“Record corporate profits in 2021” Is such a sad epitaph for a country
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 27/05/2026
The footprints in the sand Distract from the fact that The sand also carried us
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 27/05/2026
POPS Will the AI bubble Pop before the Human bubble
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 22/05/2026
If you’re a UCB person and you don’t have original, commissioned Dyna Moe art on your walls, what are you even doing?
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 18/05/2026
Just discovered I am The exact same age as Dungeons & Dragons
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 15/05/2026
The X-ray machine refused To scan my left second toe Even after rebooting (A tortured pun I ignored) There are secrets inside me The robots must never learn
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 09/05/2026
They scanned Mona Lisa Turns out DaVinci Painted over A pre-existing A.I. image
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Reposted by Morgan Phillips
Acyn @acyn.bsky.social · 09/05/2026
AOC on possibly running for the Senate or President: They assume my ambition is a title or a seat. My ambition is way bigger than that. My ambition is to change this country. Presidents come and go, elected officials come and go, single payer healthcare is forever.
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 09/05/2026
The war Not a war No mission To creep It’s over We won Now go back To sleep
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 07/05/2026
DREAMLESS Bad dreams Are no good But no dreams Will be worse As you sleep In the box In the back Of the Hearse
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 07/05/2026
HYPOTHETICAL So fucking tired If I died of exhaustion I wouldn’t be surprised I’d say Ah yes this tracks But how am I still talking Oh no am I in Hell
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 30/04/2026
Whose p(doom) Is creeping higher Can’t read the room The room’s on fire
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 27/04/2026
For You Something went wrong.
Screenshot of the Sora app on 4/27/26
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 22/04/2026
Mother Earth lost A universal lottery Doomed to carry us Until we explode
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Morgan Phillips @morgan.bsky.social · 21/04/2026
BLOODY FISTS McGEE How did he know I’m not a psychopath Is my question Yelled in my face On an NYC sidewalk I laughed it off What if I hadn’t What if I was aka Bloody Fists McGee
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