iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 16/10/2026

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: do not think of yourself more highly than you ought. To be frank, you’re not the brightest group of people, and I’ve seen elephants’ rectums that are less unsightly! – Romans 12:3

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 16/10/2026

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer me your bodies, holy and pleasing to God, and form a queue outside my bedroom – this is your true and proper worship. – Romans 12:1

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 16/10/2026

I am talking to your genitals. Inasmuch as I am the apostle to the genitals, I’ve also been known to slip a pinkie in the anus. I take pride in my ministry in the hope that I may somehow arouse my own people. That is to say, don’t be afraid to tickle to prostate. – Romans 11:13-14

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 16/10/2026

Didn’t Elijah appealed to God against Israel, saying, ‘Lord, they have killed your prophets and torn down your altars; I am the only one left, and they are trying to kill me’? And didn’t God’s answer him, ‘Fuck off, I’m trying to have a shit!’? – Romans 11:2-4

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 15/10/2026

But concerning Israel he says, ‘All day long I have held out my hands, but nobody would high-five me. Is it because I’m a dung farmer!? Why won’t you love me?!!!!’ – Romans 10:21

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 15/10/2026

And Isaiah boldly says, ‘I was found by those who did not seek me; I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me to do so.’ And that’s why Isaiah was arrested for public indecency. – Romans 10:20

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 15/10/2026

If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe wholeheartedly, you will be saved. However, if you declare it with your anus whole-fartedly, you are worthy of hellfire! – Romans 10:9

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 15/10/2026

But what does it say? ‘The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart. You’ve got some on your chin, and you’ve managed to smear some on that chair. I’m getting a wet wipe.’ – Romans 10:8

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 15/10/2026

As he says in Hosea: ‘I will call them my people who aren't my people; and I will call her my loved one who isn't my loved one. And I will call a spade a spoon, and a donkey a small affordable car, because I’m God and I can rename things as I see fit! Also, your name is Gerald now.’ – Romans 9:25

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 15/10/2026

What if God, although choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath – prepared for destruction? You’re not burning in Hell yet, so why are you complaining? – Romans 9:22

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

One of you will say to me: ‘Then why does God still blame us? For who can resist his will?’ But who the fuck are you to question God? Doesn’t the potter have the right to make a vase from one lump of clay and a toilet from another? Fuck you, toilet! – Romans 9:19-21

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

Therefore, God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden. So, if you cannot get an erection, it simply means that God hates you. – Romans 9:18

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

For Scripture says to Pharaoh: ‘I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.’ When God starts swinging his dick around, you’d better get out of the way! – Romans 9:17

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! For he says to Moses, ‘I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.’ Arbitrarily picking favourites and smiting anyone who pisses you off is the purest form of justice! – Romans 9:14-15

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 07/10/2026

Nor because they are his descendants are they all Abraham’s children. On the contrary, ‘It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.’ In other words, that verse means the exact opposite of what it means! – Romans 9:7-8

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 07/10/2026

It is not as though God’s word had failed. For not all who are descended from Israel are Israel. Imagine how confusing that would be! ‘Hey, Israel, have you seen Israel?’ ‘I think he’s down the pub with Israel.’ ‘No, not that Israel, Israel the shoemaker!’ – Romans 9:6

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 07/10/2026

For I could wish that I myself were cursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my people, those of my own race, the people of Israel. But he picked me. It’s such a burden being so righteous and wise; not to mention humble. – Romans 9:3-4

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 07/10/2026

I speak the truth in Christ – I am not lying, my conscience confirms it through the Holy Spirit, just ask it – I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart, which is exactly what you’d expect from someone who is telling the truth. – Romans 9:1-2

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 07/10/2026

We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. Every time you take a particularly difficult dump and cry out in pain, that’s the Spirit squeezing our innards to aid you in your shitting. You’re welcome. – Romans 8:26

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 07/10/2026

We know that the whole of creation has been groaning with the pains of childbirth right up to the present time, which is why we have so many earthquakes; the Earth will soon give birth to the planet Nibiru, destroying all life as we know it! – Romans 8:22

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 07/10/2026

The Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by Abba we cry, ‘Mama mia, here I go again!’ – Romans 8:15

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 07/10/2026

And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, there are some pills you can take that will flush the bastard out! Just be sure to wipe thoroughly when you pass him, otherwise he might re-infest you. – Romans 8:11

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 07/10/2026

Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires… which is why I’ve opened Paul’s Pleasure Palace! Get all your flesh desires while your spirit is willing! (Free entry with coupon) – Romans 8:5

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 07/10/2026

For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh. Damned sexy Jesus… - Romans 8:3

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Although I want to do good, evil is right there within me. I call it my dark passenger. It is at work in me, waging war against my conscience and making me a prisoner of sin! Oh, what a wretched man I am! Why did I tell that granny to fuck off?! Why!? – Romans 7:21-24

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, and what I do not want to do, I do, so that when I do do things I want to do, it’s never because I wanted to do them but just that I happen to be doing them when I do do them. I’m so confused! – Romans 7:15-16

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

So, my brothers and sisters, you belong to him who was raised from the dead, in order that you might bear fruit for God. That’s why brother James has those lovely plums, sister Mary has nice melons, and brother Peter has that rather large banana. – Romans 7:4

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Do you not know, brothers and sisters – for I am speaking to those who know the law – that the law has authority over someone only as long as that person lives? Once you’re dead, they can’t touch you! That’s why they don’t go around arresting corpses. – Romans 7:1

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

For the wages of sin is death and eternal torment in the fiery cauldron of Hell where you skin will be seared off, and your blood will boil, and you will writhe in abject agony forever!!! And on that note, sweet dreams, Timmy. 😊 – Romans 6:23

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Remember how you used to be a slave to impurity and wickedness? And remember how I gave you that talk about how you shouldn’t fiddle with your no-no bits because God is always watching, and it makes baby Jesus cry? – Romans 6:19-21

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

I’m using an example from everyday life because, frankly, you’re an imbecile. – Romans 6:19

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

A man is not a Jew if he is circumcised outwardly, he must have a circumcision of the heart. Unfortunately, the people whose hearts have been circumcised so far died, but we’re getting pretty close to cracking it! If you truly have faith, you’ll probably be fine... – Romans 2:28

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

For God does not show favouritism… except when he did to the Hebrews… and now does to Christians… specifically the denomination that you belong to, because the rest are heretics. Except for those groups, God does not show favouritism. – Romans 2:11

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

God will repay each person according to what they have done.* - Romans 2:6 * Terms and conditions apply. You can get out of paying for your sins just by recanting on your deathbed, and no matter how good you are, you’ll go to Hell simply for non-belief.

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

You have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for whenever you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because God doesn’t like tattletales. He especially hates it when they point out his atrocities; that’s what got Satan kicked out of Heaven! – Romans 2:1

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

The men also abandoned relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. They committed all manner of sordid acts together, and I watched all of them from bushes as I furiously shook my… err… fist! – Romans 1:27

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

God gave them over to lust. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones, their fingers and lips exploring each other’s naked supple bodies, their ample breasts brushing against… Just thinking about it makes me want to… rebuke myself… - Romans 1:26

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

What may be known about God is plain to everyone. Since the creation of the world, God’s invisible qualities have been clearly seen despite being invisible. If you squint your eyes a little and stare slightly past them, you might just see them! – Romans 1:19-20

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

The wrath of God is being revealed against all the godless people. Even though they don’t believe that God exists, they know. Yeah, they know something that they don’t actually believe. Because it’s obvious. I mean, look at the trees! Can you make a tree!? – Romans 1:18-19

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

The power of God brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile, and finally to the Martian! That’s why I’m building a rocket ship that will carry us to Mars to convert the green-skinned heathen! – Romans 1:16

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

I’m a debtor both to Greeks and non-Greeks, both to the wise and the foolish. That’s why I am so eager to sell my new book to all of you in Rome and worldwide! Prosperity gospel, bitches! – Romans 1:14-15

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

I long to see you so that I may impart some spiritual gift to make you quiver, that is, that you and I may mutually experience heavenly pleasures. Don’t misunderstand me, brothers and sisters, I intend to come many times. I just can’t wait to plough your furrows! – Romans 1:11-13

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

First, I thank God for all of you, because I honestly couldn’t do it without you. My epistles are trending online, my subscriber count is rising every day, and there’s talk of a book deal. Please remember to like, subscribe, smash that bell icon, and try to convert your friends. – Romans 1:8-10

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears! I come not to bury Jesus, but to praise him. – Romans 1:1

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

For two whole years Paul stayed there in his own rented house, and he welcomed all who came to see him by proclaiming loudly, ‘The kingdom of God is close at hand! Repent now, for the end is nigh!’ – Acts 28:30-31

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

It’s a witch hunt! I’ve done nothing wrong!’ – Acts 28:17-20 #fakenewsversion

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Three days later he called together the local Jewish leaders. When they had assembled, Paul said to them: ‘My brothers, although I have done nothing wrong, the Crooked Pharisees handed me over to the Do-Nothing Romans in Jerusalem! There was no crime! This is the greatest hoax in Jewish history!

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

After three months we put out to sea in a ship that had wintered in the island – it was an Alexandrian ship with the figurehead of the twin gods Castrate and Bollox. The Greeks were unfazed by this, but Paul was visibly perturbed by the carving’s large pendulous gonads. – Acts 28:11

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

The chief official of the island welcomed us into his home. His father was ill in bed, suffering from fever and dysentery, so Paul went in to see him and placed his hands on him, saying, ‘I hope this works. Surely, they won’t imprison me if I’m shitting blood!’ – Acts 28:7-8

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Paul gathered a pile of brushwood and, as he put it on the fire, a viper bit his hand. When the islanders saw the snake hanging from his hand, they said to each other, ‘This man must be delicious! Quick, fetch some carrots and your largest cooking pot!’ – Acts 28:3-4

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