iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

writing it out as the same as repeating it in my head, of imagining scenarios where I'm openly discussing these things with another person. i don't know how many countless times I've ranted about myself to imaginary therapists. just makes me feel worse. just tries to validate my self loathing

000

the world and society being what it is certainly doesn't fucking help, but it's mostly me and whatever the fuck is wrong with me. executive dysfunction, learned helplessness, lacking motivation, lacking clarity or focus, fearful of responsibility. and just... hating myself, makes it hard to try

100

psychoanalyzing myself for hours a day, for 20 years, only to come back to the same conclusion i always come back to: i don't know what makes me happy and comfortable, and hating myself means anything that brings me comfort or happiness feels false. not deserved, or not real, or... meaningless

100

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 10/05/2025

don't know why i feel the urge to post/blog/diary my misery. i sit there and stew and keep feeling like i want to post -something-, to condense my struggle into something small and meaningful and relatable. but it's never meaningful, it's all so meaningless and temporary

100

im just not strong enough to give myself basic comforts

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 23/03/2025

still in an emotional low. feel so incredibly helpless

000

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 21/03/2025

i am so mentally unwell. i shouldnt be able to go from fine to suicidal in a few hours for no discernable reason besides not comfortable. like, fuck man. just feel fucking crazy… and im such a boring bastard, i have nothing to entertain anyone with just keep withering and feeling sorry for myself

000

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 21/03/2025

there is no solution. if i stay i’ll be miserable, if i leave I’ll feel endlessly guilty

000

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 21/03/2025

mom: “i understand your place is back up there, not down here” also mom: “im so glad youre here im so glad youre here im so glad youre here im so glad youre here im so glad youre here im so glad youre here im so glad youre here im so glad youre here im so glad youre here im so glad youre here”

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 24/02/2025

I feel like a sociopath that I feel more emotional over a tire pressure warning light in my car over my grandmother dying yesterday

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 27/01/2025

just resigning myself to a boring life surrounded by old people not sharing my interests… alone and miserable… but woohoo money…

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 27/01/2025

no idea what my personal situation will be like, if I’ll have some private space ever. Won’t have stable internet for streaming or online gaming. Dunno if I’ll get my stuff, probably won’t play monster hunter when it comes out

120

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 27/01/2025

without feeling like I had much of a choice, I’m staying with my parents longer to help with some vague projects for my rich uncle. I guess in hopes of getting paid and finding some stability. But no real clue what it means for what I want.

I need therapy, I need meds. But I’m not going to get those because it’s too much work, too daunting, too unknown.

Think I probably haven’t ended myself for my Mom’s sake. I think everyone who knows me would understand why I’d do it, but she wouldn’t.

Spending time with my parents again and I am just absolutely dreading the future. Taking care of them, alone down here, it’s going to be miserable. But inevitable.

000

I’m better just praising others and being happy for them than doing anything myself. Maybe why I like baking. It’s tangible. And in picture form, you can only assume it tastes good. Fuck I’m so god damn insecure.

I don’t want to exist. The world is beautiful and creative and the only meaning is what you create. But my part in it feels so tiring, so burdensome, so fragile. So I’d rather say nothing, do nothing, be nothing. It’s why I mostly just respond to people and not reach out myself. Why I’m quiet.

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 03/01/2025

My mind has repeatedly told me I’m going to be alone and miserable at the end of my life. Yeah that’s a healthy thing to think…

000

But if I stay the way I am. I’m going to die alone and miserable…

000

I guess going to live with my parents for a month or two isnt so bad, but I’m so… reluctant. I just wanna run away from everything. I don’t want to…

000

I’m such a buzzkill… I just want to be comfy in my room, nothing else… I don’t want to work, I don’t want to spend money and do things. I just wanna retreat…

000

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 24/12/2024

I don’t want to do anything…

000

hate the holidays… I’m so jaded and bitter…

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 23/12/2024

tired, emotionally drained, entirely aimless

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 22/12/2024

idk… I dont fucking know what I want… I’m unhappy, insecure and restless no matter where I go or what I do

000

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 22/12/2024

might stay with my parents for few months to do some kind of scanning ocr indexing work on great uncles journals. Sounds like something I can do, but… highly mixed feelings about loving with parents even, even temporarily. Makes me feel like I’m just regressing again. Even if it’s a good opportunity

100

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 17/12/2024

Really wish I didn’t hate myself, but god damn I do. And it just makes everything so much harder.

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 17/11/2024

I’ve just convinced myself I’ll never have a committed relationship, I’ll never have a family or raise a child, despite… wanting those things more than anything else. I want to care and be cared for…

000

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 17/11/2024

My brother was talking about his work and love life and all I could think about was wishing I was dead

000

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 09/11/2024

i need to get my shit together so badly... but i also don't want to. i want to crash and burn. i want to suffer for my self negligence. i deserve my life being shit for the way i don't do anything about it.

000

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 09/11/2024

Only do it like… once a week or less, usually only to get off in the morning or something. I wish I could have the dopamine without the scatterbrain, though. Wish I could just be happy without forcing it.

000

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 09/11/2024

About a year ago, I started “self medicating” with weed to try to actually enjoy myself once in a while. It certainly lead to lots of creativity and fun, but I’m also easily overwhelmed and become very… ADHD, for lack of a better term. So I’ve kinda… cooled on it a decent amount.

100

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 06/11/2024

i'm just fucking delusional and in abject denial

000

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 06/11/2024

i assume i should blame myself for everything I haven't done that I should have, but it just destroys me mentally but pretending the blame belongs elsewhere feels like passing the buck, deflecting, idk and the third thing, that it doesn't matter, makes me feel defeated that I've wasted my life

000

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 05/11/2024

i don't like myself, and that makes it very hard to do... lots of things

000

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 04/11/2024

i'll need to get a job again in the next few months... terrified.

000

Minamiyo @minascage.bsky.social · 02/11/2024

i know its selfish of me to want a relationship to "fix" me, but... i want it

000

being a quiet, boring person who hates themselves really makes existing difficult.

000

knowing the pure agony I put myself through, I don't have the drive to fix it. why? i just accept yet dread my fate of dying alone and miserable. its coming, i know its coming, and i can't be bothered to do anything about it. why?

000

even though I know what it's like when I get like this, when I do nothing, when I let the responsible things adults need to do go undone. even though I know what being miserable, out of money, and feeling inhuman does to me. even though all of that, I still can't find the motivation to try.

100