iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Reposted by dazai

prezoh @prezoh.bsky.social · 05/11/2024

it was already dark out at 4:30pm do you understand how brave i am for not killing myself yet

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 02/11/2024

( a restless slumber, tears falling down cheeks as he sleeps. )

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 01/11/2024

( sleep won't take him despite the exhaustion seeping in his bones. )

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 01/11/2024

the grief and the guilt and the time of year all stir up inside of him, and he can't help it. he pulls yuuto close, wrapping his arms around the younger tightly. shaking hands brush through yuuto's hair, like he's holding his own son. " odasaku would love you more than anything. " dazai whispers.

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 01/11/2024

" i'm sorry, " tumbles out before he can think about it. after all, it's his own fault that yuuto doesn't have a father. and what a wondrous father oda would have been. " i'm sorry, i'm so sorry, " he can't stop apologizing. not that it would fix anything. it won't bring oda back. ( ... )

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 01/11/2024

dazai still couldn't wrap his head around it. oda had a child? oda's child was alive, and a mafioso? what had mori fed to yuuto about oda? the thoughts open up a cavern in his soul. ( ... )

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 31/10/2024

// the only solace is dazai and yuuto eventually becoming friends and dazai healing by sharing about oda to yuuto and yuuto learning more about his father

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 31/10/2024

// destroying myself emotionally by replying to the oda family

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 31/10/2024

" oda, " dazai says shakily. his hands are pressed to yuuto's cheeks and he doesn't want to ever let go. ( odasaku, odasaku, odasaku ... ) " you're related to sakunosuke oda, aren't you? "

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 31/10/2024

without thinking, ( he's thinking so much yet not at all ), hands finally make contact with skin. the frosty no longer human thrums through his fingertips into yuuto's body, and dazai inhales sharply. " you're, " dazai starts again. tears fall freely down his face. ( -- > )

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 31/10/2024

" you're ... " hands frozen in mid-air, stops himself from saying what his first instinct is to say. ( you're odasaku. ) he knows that's not the case, because odasaku is dead, and he's emotional because of the date, and therapy and medications aren't helping. ( --> )

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 31/10/2024

a touch that should bring comfort only serves to send shivers down dazai's spine. hands shoot upward to touch phantom lingering, heart freezing when he finds nothing there. " oda ... odasaku ... " murmurs, swallows the knot in his throat. he thought his medications were working.

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 28/10/2024

" i know you, " dazai whispers. he resists the urge to touch yuuto's cheeks, hands hovering inches away from the mafioso's face. tears slip down his face, something he hasn't allowed himself to show in front of others, especially not a stranger ... ever. ( it must be the date. ) " i know you. "

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 28/10/2024

hands travel up again, quivering. a shaky breath leaves him. his resolve, his mask which he never lets slip, is crumbling in one fell swoop. maybe it's the time of year. october makes dazai weak at heart. ( --> )

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 28/10/2024

his best friend has been dead longer than dazai has even known him at this point. " i am not searching for enemies anymore. " dazai replies, though he can't say that the words shared about him are untrue -- it is still the great misfortune for dazai's enemies to be his enemies, even now. ( --> )

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 28/10/2024

after all the effort ( the torture, the penance ) he had gone through to have a new start, his reputation still precedes him. not that dazai yearns for approval from strangers, but this is different. he's looking into the eyes of his late friend -- his best friend -- no, it's not him, ( --> )

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 27/10/2024

he forces himself to hide his reaction, though there's no avoiding the flash of terror in his expression. odasaku wasn't the only oda on earth, but... " i'm dazai, " tone carefully controlled, " osamu dazai. "

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 27/10/2024

// dazai can't have a normal conversation with yuuto to save his life

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dazai @meursaultcore.bsky.social · 27/10/2024

oh. he hadn't had anyone evade him so well, other than of course chuuya, and...oda, who could predict dazai's movements unless dazai touched him. dazai now knew yuuto's identity, but being reminded of oda so suddenly pangs his heart, especially this season. " ah, it was a joke, my bad. "

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