iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 19/09/2025

Have you ever said: “Hey, check out this e-mail I just got from [toxic/abusive person]. How should I respond? Here’s my first draft.” After my own abusive relationship and years as an attorney/investigator in the field of trauma and abuse, I compiled my advice. open.substack.com/pub/melissaj...

open.substack.com

How to Respond to Unhealthy or Toxic People

Especially when you have to maintain relationship with them

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 12/07/2025

When for so long, we’ve experienced confusion and harm, belittling and devaluing, it is hard to know what to do with loving, consistent care. Our bodies can unwittingly assume that unfamiliar means unsafe. open.substack.com/pub/melissaj...

open.substack.com

Unfamiliar

How healthy behavior can feel bad after abuse

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 19/04/2025

I learned that God values diversity, equity, and inclusion from the Bible. I learned that good people value diversity, equity, and inclusion from Mr. Rogers. I learned that I should value diversity, equity, and inclusion from my children.

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 07/04/2025

And here I thought maybe after losing John Stamos, we gained Texas Matty, but alas 😂

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 03/04/2025

a wild legal ride, out of which I made a friend who I got to witness step into courageous freedom at her deposition and then again today. Meet my client and friend Alisa Womack, formerly Jane Doe in Hunt v. SBC.

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 03/04/2025

In November 2023, three months after the painful loss of my 17yo son, my friend @bozlaw.bsky.social asked if I would consider working on a case with him. I wasn’t sure I was ready. I hate overspiritualizing things, but dang it if God didn’t have some grand plans. The next 16 months would be

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 03/04/2025

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 03/04/2025

Trump’s tariffs, trade wars, aggression toward our closest neighbors are similar tactics to how abusers emotionally isolate their victims, esp from those they’d most likely turn to for help. Abusers push others away so victims become more and more dependent upon the abuser as the savior.

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 31/03/2025

One of the best metaphors I’ve ever photographed. #IYKYK

A color photograph of the Washington Monument leaning on the National Museum of African-American History and Culture - which has recently been targeted by the fascist and narcissistic president as somehow perpetuating anti-American ideology when all it does is tell the unvarnished truth about slavery, segregation, and racism in the United States of America that has been left out of most of the history books in any comprehensive fashion.

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 14/03/2025

“I’m condemned to use the tools of my enemy to defeat them.” - Luthen, “Andor” - Also, Christian nationalists

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 13/03/2025

Ordering Canadian oysters tonight. Just because. 🦪 #OhCanada

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 07/03/2025

their affinity for others may also skew their objectivity in evaluating other cases of abuse, including my own, or understanding the gravity of harm. /end (fr this time)

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 07/03/2025

If they can’t see that Trump is abusive, they are just as likely to be blinded to tactics of abuse used on me and my kids. If their affinity for Republicans and conservative ideals means they are blind to Trump’s tactics of abuse and narcissistic personality and the harm that it inflicts, then +

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 07/03/2025

they’re not seeing what I see and know (although they could and should intentionally inform themselves). But in all honesty, no one who embraces Trump remains in my safe inner circle, because they are not safe for me. +

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 07/03/2025

I would add that this sentiment holds true for my lack of a sense of safety in church or friend circles that continue to embrace Trump. This doesn’t come from a place of judgment, as I know that often people are only taking in information from a closed loop, and if that is right wing media, +

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 07/03/2025

If an advocate can’t see that Donald Trump is an abuser, I honestly question their ability to objectively identify abuse and not be blinded by what they want to believe about someone. /end

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 07/03/2025

due to our affinity for a group, what we want to believe, or what benefits us. Not doing so is how many of us were burned by a church or ministry who covered up our abuse in the first place. +

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 07/03/2025

I really struggle to navigate a survivor community that sometimes embraces an abuser as president. As survivors and advocates, we need to be willing to question our allegiance to *anyone* and especially ask ourselves if we are suffering from blindness +

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 28/02/2025

Interpersonal abuse is significantly associated with suicidal ideation and attempts. That’s the reality I personally knew to be true when people struggled to believe why Mica Miller, after filing for divorce from her abuser, would go on to commit suicide. open.substack.com/pub/melissaj...

open.substack.com

Drowning doesn't look like drowning

Res Ipsa Nota - abuse in the context of real life scenarios

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 25/02/2025

I’ll own the world class label thank you very much Dave Ramsey 💁🏼‍♀️ #IYKYK

The backs of a pair of custom converse high tops show a pink stripe with the words, world class in it

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 23/02/2025

Police, judges, pastors, and every role in the systems that may encounter abuse need education on domestic and other types of abuse, their patterns and mental health impacts in order to better detect abuse, protect survivors, and serve justice. melissajhogan.substack.com/p/abuse-trau...

melissajhogan.substack.com

Abuse, Trauma, and Mental Health: Navigating the Legal System as a Survivor

The intersection of mental health and abuse

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 23/02/2025

The police stop of Petito and Laundrie in Moab is a classic example of the mental health impact of Laundrie’s abuse on Gabby and how police incorrectly interpreted it, resulting in their failure to protect her, and ultimately in her murder by Laundrie. melissajhogan.substack.com/p/abuse-trau...

melissajhogan.substack.com

Abuse, Trauma, and Mental Health: Navigating the Legal System as a Survivor

The intersection of mental health and abuse

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 23/02/2025

This week, I’ve been watching the Netflix documentary about the murder of Gabby Petito by her fiancé Brian Laundrie. It informed this week’s substack about the intersection of mental health and abuse. +

melissajhogan.substack.com

Abuse, Trauma, and Mental Health: Navigating the Legal System as a Survivor

The intersection of mental health and abuse

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 12/02/2025

“Twitter also taught me a lot about Presbyterians, Episcopalians, and Church of Christ. It taught me that Southern Baptists were not Independent Fundamental Baptists, although many Southern Baptists can be quite independent and even more fundamentalist.” open.substack.com/pub/melissaj...

open.substack.com

When the women took me to Church

Res Ipsa Nota - looking at abuse in the context of real life scenarios

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 05/02/2025

What Trump is doing here is similar to the abusive silencing tactics I talk about on my substack. When someone in a position of power (here, pres + whole fed gov) leverages that power to try to pressure you to waive important rights. DON’T DO IT. - a lawyer familiar with abusive orgs and people

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 05/02/2025

This is my love letter to any woman who realizes she is in a relationship with someone abusive — whether that’s domestic abuse against her/her children or sexual abuse against a child or an adult under their authority or spiritual abuse against their church. podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/u...

podcasts.apple.com

127: False Redemption: It's Not A Marriage Issue Guest- Melissa J. Hogan

Podcast Episode · Untangled Faith · 02/04/2025 · 1h 4m

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 02/02/2025

This is lovely! What a great gift! Can you share the book? It might make a great gift for a painter in my life.

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 29/01/2025

I didn’t speak out. They were successful. For a time. In the case of those trying to silence people, whether it is through gag orders, NDAs, gossip policies, or cultures of silencing, we should always ask ourselves: “What are they hiding?” The rest of the story: open.substack.com/pub/melissaj...

open.substack.com

How I endured a gag order and a culture of silencing, then finally broke free

Res Ipsa Nota - looking at abuse in the context of real life scenarios

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 29/01/2025

On the morning of May 20, 2019, I placed this card down in front of me on a table in a courtroom in Williamson County, Tennessee. Walking in, I had passed three board members of Ramsey Solutions, Dave Ramsey’s company, sitting on a bench outside the doors. They were there to try to make sure… +

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 29/01/2025

I miss the days of Weird Christian Twitter #WCT

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 29/01/2025

“It is never a good time to bow down to a tyrant.” - @jimacosta.bsky.social

Image of Jim Acosta, CNN anchor, on his last show on the network. He states, “It is never a good time to bow down to a tyrant.” The words shows as closed caption on the bottom of the screen. Behind Acosta is the dome of the US Capitol.

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 28/01/2025

Confusion from Trump’s terribly drafted orders is part of the point, bc it attracts pleas for exceptions, attempts to ingratiate themselves, and habits of attention + favor seeking, which narcissists love. Or, TRUMP HAS TERRIBLE LAWYERS if they cannot craft straightforward, understandable orders.

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 26/01/2025

The Carolina wrens love my Bird Buddy so it’s like we had this little FaceTime thing going on

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Reposted by melissa j hogan

Taniel @taniel.bsky.social · 25/01/2025

A few days after the salute heard around the word, Elon is speaking at [checks notes] the far-right party’s campaign rally in Germany.

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 25/01/2025

I just wish they would learn to put “Christian” in quotation marks

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 25/01/2025

I don’t see no broken tracks - FAKE NEWS. I don’t believe you know what broken tracks look like. The train passes my house and it sounds lovely. Well, the people who die in train wrecks are illegal, or stupid, or liberals, so 🤷…

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 25/01/2025

A Trump presidency is like watching a slow train wreck. When experts have warned about the broken tracks for 10 years and people are like but… but… I build tracks and they’re buying them from me. I like where the tracks are headed. I like big, powerful steam engines. +

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 25/01/2025

Who will tell them that this is actually what religious persecution looks like and they are the Romans

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 25/01/2025

If you’re trying to understand why you or someone else stayed in a high control group, watching Severance and The Vow is so validating. You can recognize so many of the subconscious fears - ones that you’re only able to ask, “What was I really afraid of?” after you’ve left and deprogrammed.

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 24/01/2025

What are some red flags 🚩 of abusive silencing? Check out my latest episode of Res Ipsa - focusing on the intersection of the law, faith, and abuse. This week’s topic is silencing— NDAs, gag orders, file sealing, gossip policies, and cultures of silence. open.substack.com/pub/melissaj...

open.substack.com

NDAs and Other Silencing Strategies Used in Abusive Environments

Red flags to watch for and how we can and should respond

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 22/01/2025

This IS abuse. Period. Full stop. This is intimidation, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse. We have enough accounts now to know that Pete Hegseth has an abusive mindset. It would *absolutely* play out in how he would abuse his authority at the DOD. www.washingtonpost.com/national-sec...

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 20/01/2025

When you minimize, excuse, or defend abusers and their behavior, like Trump, Hegseth, and Gaetz, you declare to everyone in your life that you are an unsafe person to receive their stories of abuse. Your child, sister, friend, or parishioner will go to someone else or more likely, stay silent.

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 18/01/2025

We have to create and hold space for our own prayer and softening and reminders that we work to bring light to reflect God. We work to bring justice to reflect God. And we work to continue to love and pray for those who abuse to come to repentance to glorify God.

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 18/01/2025

Working and writing in the space of abuse and faith can be challenging to your own faith. It is easy to get despondent, want to burn it all down, or even allow our hearts to be hard against those who commit heinous acts. But if we do, then what is it all for? +

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 10/01/2025

10. I write a substack about the intersection of the law, faith, and abuse. open.substack.com/pub/melissaj...

open.substack.com

But not everything is abuse, right?

Thinking about how we identify what is and isn't abuse

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 10/01/2025

8. I was subpoenaed as a witness in a case against Dave Ramsey and his company by two lawyers I used to practice law with, one of whom I also went to college with at a small KY Christian college. 9. None of us referenced that at all at the deposition. It was so odd. +

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melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 10/01/2025

6. I ended up writing and working in the trauma and abuse space after my own experiences with interpersonal and institutional abuse in a community of faith. 7. Dave Ramsey is on record as calling me a “world class bitch”. +

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