iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 19/09/2025

Have you ever said: “Hey, check out this e-mail I just got from [toxic/abusive person]. How should I respond? Here’s my first draft.” After my own abusive relationship and years as an attorney/investigator in the field of trauma and abuse, I compiled my advice. open.substack.com/pub/melissaj...

open.substack.com

How to Respond to Unhealthy or Toxic People

Especially when you have to maintain relationship with them

030

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 12/07/2025

When for so long, we’ve experienced confusion and harm, belittling and devaluing, it is hard to know what to do with loving, consistent care. Our bodies can unwittingly assume that unfamiliar means unsafe. open.substack.com/pub/melissaj...

open.substack.com

Unfamiliar

How healthy behavior can feel bad after abuse

020

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 19/04/2025

I learned that God values diversity, equity, and inclusion from the Bible. I learned that good people value diversity, equity, and inclusion from Mr. Rogers. I learned that I should value diversity, equity, and inclusion from my children.

060

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 03/04/2025

In November 2023, three months after the painful loss of my 17yo son, my friend @bozlaw.bsky.social asked if I would consider working on a case with him. I wasn’t sure I was ready. I hate overspiritualizing things, but dang it if God didn’t have some grand plans. The next 16 months would be

2173

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 03/04/2025

Trump’s tariffs, trade wars, aggression toward our closest neighbors are similar tactics to how abusers emotionally isolate their victims, esp from those they’d most likely turn to for help. Abusers push others away so victims become more and more dependent upon the abuser as the savior.

191

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 31/03/2025

One of the best metaphors I’ve ever photographed. #IYKYK

A color photograph of the Washington Monument leaning on the National Museum of African-American History and Culture - which has recently been targeted by the fascist and narcissistic president as somehow perpetuating anti-American ideology when all it does is tell the unvarnished truth about slavery, segregation, and racism in the United States of America that has been left out of most of the history books in any comprehensive fashion.

020

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 14/03/2025

“I’m condemned to use the tools of my enemy to defeat them.” - Luthen, “Andor” - Also, Christian nationalists

020

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 13/03/2025

Ordering Canadian oysters tonight. Just because. 🦪 #OhCanada

020

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 07/03/2025

I really struggle to navigate a survivor community that sometimes embraces an abuser as president. As survivors and advocates, we need to be willing to question our allegiance to *anyone* and especially ask ourselves if we are suffering from blindness +

151

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 28/02/2025

Interpersonal abuse is significantly associated with suicidal ideation and attempts. That’s the reality I personally knew to be true when people struggled to believe why Mica Miller, after filing for divorce from her abuser, would go on to commit suicide. open.substack.com/pub/melissaj...

open.substack.com

Drowning doesn't look like drowning

Res Ipsa Nota - abuse in the context of real life scenarios

010

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 25/02/2025

I’ll own the world class label thank you very much Dave Ramsey 💁🏼‍♀️ #IYKYK

The backs of a pair of custom converse high tops show a pink stripe with the words, world class in it

000

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 23/02/2025

This week, I’ve been watching the Netflix documentary about the murder of Gabby Petito by her fiancé Brian Laundrie. It informed this week’s substack about the intersection of mental health and abuse. +

melissajhogan.substack.com

Abuse, Trauma, and Mental Health: Navigating the Legal System as a Survivor

The intersection of mental health and abuse

110

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 12/02/2025

“Twitter also taught me a lot about Presbyterians, Episcopalians, and Church of Christ. It taught me that Southern Baptists were not Independent Fundamental Baptists, although many Southern Baptists can be quite independent and even more fundamentalist.” open.substack.com/pub/melissaj...

open.substack.com

When the women took me to Church

Res Ipsa Nota - looking at abuse in the context of real life scenarios

010

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 05/02/2025

What Trump is doing here is similar to the abusive silencing tactics I talk about on my substack. When someone in a position of power (here, pres + whole fed gov) leverages that power to try to pressure you to waive important rights. DON’T DO IT. - a lawyer familiar with abusive orgs and people

000

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 05/02/2025

This is my love letter to any woman who realizes she is in a relationship with someone abusive — whether that’s domestic abuse against her/her children or sexual abuse against a child or an adult under their authority or spiritual abuse against their church. podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/u...

podcasts.apple.com

127: False Redemption: It's Not A Marriage Issue Guest- Melissa J. Hogan

Podcast Episode · Untangled Faith · 02/04/2025 · 1h 4m

011

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 29/01/2025

On the morning of May 20, 2019, I placed this card down in front of me on a table in a courtroom in Williamson County, Tennessee. Walking in, I had passed three board members of Ramsey Solutions, Dave Ramsey’s company, sitting on a bench outside the doors. They were there to try to make sure… +

130

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 29/01/2025

I miss the days of Weird Christian Twitter #WCT

080

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 29/01/2025

“It is never a good time to bow down to a tyrant.” - @jimacosta.bsky.social

Image of Jim Acosta, CNN anchor, on his last show on the network. He states, “It is never a good time to bow down to a tyrant.” The words shows as closed caption on the bottom of the screen. Behind Acosta is the dome of the US Capitol.

030

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 28/01/2025

Confusion from Trump’s terribly drafted orders is part of the point, bc it attracts pleas for exceptions, attempts to ingratiate themselves, and habits of attention + favor seeking, which narcissists love. Or, TRUMP HAS TERRIBLE LAWYERS if they cannot craft straightforward, understandable orders.

050

Reposted by melissa j hogan

Taniel @taniel.bsky.social · 25/01/2025

A few days after the salute heard around the word, Elon is speaking at [checks notes] the far-right party’s campaign rally in Germany.

31591188

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 25/01/2025

A Trump presidency is like watching a slow train wreck. When experts have warned about the broken tracks for 10 years and people are like but… but… I build tracks and they’re buying them from me. I like where the tracks are headed. I like big, powerful steam engines. +

231

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 25/01/2025

Who will tell them that this is actually what religious persecution looks like and they are the Romans

41805106

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 25/01/2025

If you’re trying to understand why you or someone else stayed in a high control group, watching Severance and The Vow is so validating. You can recognize so many of the subconscious fears - ones that you’re only able to ask, “What was I really afraid of?” after you’ve left and deprogrammed.

141

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 24/01/2025

What are some red flags 🚩 of abusive silencing? Check out my latest episode of Res Ipsa - focusing on the intersection of the law, faith, and abuse. This week’s topic is silencing— NDAs, gag orders, file sealing, gossip policies, and cultures of silence. open.substack.com/pub/melissaj...

open.substack.com

NDAs and Other Silencing Strategies Used in Abusive Environments

Red flags to watch for and how we can and should respond

044

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 22/01/2025

This IS abuse. Period. Full stop. This is intimidation, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse. We have enough accounts now to know that Pete Hegseth has an abusive mindset. It would *absolutely* play out in how he would abuse his authority at the DOD. www.washingtonpost.com/national-sec...

020

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 20/01/2025

When you minimize, excuse, or defend abusers and their behavior, like Trump, Hegseth, and Gaetz, you declare to everyone in your life that you are an unsafe person to receive their stories of abuse. Your child, sister, friend, or parishioner will go to someone else or more likely, stay silent.

021

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 18/01/2025

Working and writing in the space of abuse and faith can be challenging to your own faith. It is easy to get despondent, want to burn it all down, or even allow our hearts to be hard against those who commit heinous acts. But if we do, then what is it all for? +

151

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 10/01/2025

10 unique facts about me: 1. I have a freckle on my eyeball. 2. I have a large workshop in my garage with a bunch of tools. 3. The book shelves behind me in my substack videos are pre-civil war ceiling beams from my dad’s old farm in Indiana. + open.substack.com/pub/melissaj...

open.substack.com

But not everything is abuse, right?

Thinking about how we identify what is and isn't abuse

210

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 10/01/2025

4 facts about abuse everyone should know: 1. Abusers don’t abuse everyone 2. Abusers don’t abuse all the time 3. Abuse is a mindset that results in patterns of behavior 4. An abusive mindset is very difficult to change and generally take decades of intentional work IF the abuser wants to change

0136

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 03/01/2025

”Why were you snooping in my closet?” Some of the words that helped train me that there were places in my home that I wasn’t allowed to go. +

122

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 03/01/2025

Yesterday I woke up earlier than I’d hoped for at the start of January. I had foolishly scheduled a dentist appointment for my son with special needs, trying not to miss a school day. It was hard enough convincing him to shed his Christmas pajamas and SpongeBob Christmas sweater that he loved +

220

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 02/01/2025

I realized a few years ago that I had let writing be a hobby, because then I couldn’t “fail” at it. But if I gave it power and time, made serious goals, put them out into the world, then I might possibly fail - no one would read, no one would engage, what I say would not matter. I joined #substack-

A cream-colored square image with the text "2025 - my year of no regrets" at the top. In the middle left is a line drawing of a bird next to a quote, "The most regretful people on earth are those who left the call to creative work, who felt their own creative power restive and uprising, and gave to it neither power nor time." At the bottom is the text, "- Mary Oliver, Poet-"

130

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 19/12/2024

“The idea that you have to resource in your [rare disease] community people who have leftover drug because their child has DIED and that’s your option? That’s your option?” The reality of the delay caused by unreasonable prior authorization reqs. #HealthInsurance #BCBSTN

240

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 19/12/2024

Today I learn that the last prior authorization from BCBS of TN on 6/10/24 was for only 4 mo instead of 12 mo *like they told us* and as it’s been in the past. They’re like, oh well, sorry. As we wait for drug for 6 wks so they can save 💰 thru DELAY DELAY DELAY www.instagram.com/reel/DDxfZDD...

121

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 17/12/2024

Poetry took on a whole new meaning in grief. —- TIDAL what if he’s watching you cry over the spilled ashes mixing in the waves over the spoiled milk floating in your coffee what if you need the grief like a lover on your pillow lingering scents and bare naked bleeding through the sheets +

110

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 16/12/2024

“Love is a measure of value.” Yesterday I listened to my pastor speak about love. I've heard countless sermons on love, but I was struck - whether we love our neighbor, how we love our enemy, says something about whether we see them as having value. Do we see our neighbor as valuable to God?

020

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 15/12/2024

Did you ever love a movie or tv show and only come to understand much later all the threads of why you loved it? All the reflections of your own life, unacknowledged beliefs about the world, and subconscious desires? Here’s one for me:

100

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 14/12/2024

It’s crazy to watch Republican leaders try to reckon with the chaos they themselves enabled. I mean, we tried to warn you. Over. and over. and over. and over. and over. and over. and over. and over. and over. and over. and over. and over. and over. and over. and over. and over. and over. and over.

010

Reposted by melissa j hogan

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 13/12/2024

Meanwhile, I literally crowdsource meds *from fellow parents whose children DIED* to keep my son on meds for the weeks BCBS of TN attempts to save $$$ and wear me down. Here’s the petition from 2018 that garnered over 17K sigs. Then 2019, 2021, 2022, and now 2024. www.change.org/p/blue-cross...

change.org

Sign the Petition

Support life-sustaining medicine for my son before it's too late

241

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 13/12/2024

For the last 4 out of 6 years, BCBS of TN has used prior auths to try to avoid paying for my son’s expensive meds for a genetic condition that *doesn’t go away.* Every year, they deny and delay so they can save at least one month of meds or wear me out. Appeal, peer-to-peer, you name it. +

341

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 10/12/2024

If I could just line all my walls with bookshelves, it just might hold everything on my TBR list #booksky #writing #everydayanamazonpackage

250

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 04/12/2024

I mean… The Roast ain’t wrong. ——— Final Thoughts: Keep stirring the pot, Melissa. The world needs more perspective—and maybe a little humor too! blueskyroast.com/roast/meliss...

blueskyroast.com

The Mother of All Bluesky Chronicles: Melissa J. Hogan

Navigating grief, advocacy, and the chaos of parenting—one post at a time.

010

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 03/12/2024

The Biden pardon is a test of our empathy. “When I have kids, I’m not gonna….” It’s the phrase we hear when we decide we’re going to ‘do better’ than whoever we’re watching. Let’s apply that to Joe Biden: When I am 82 years old, and I’ve buried… melissajhogan.medium.com/the-biden-pa...

melissajhogan.medium.com

The Biden Pardon is a Test of Our Empathy

Until you’ve been there…

040

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 03/12/2024

I didn’t plan on writing this morning. And I certainly didn’t plan on writing about this. But there’s a lot of things we don’t plan on. melissajhogan.medium.com/the-biden-pa...

melissajhogan.medium.com

The Biden Pardon is a Test of Our Empathy

Until you’ve been there…

030

melissa j hogan @melissajhogan.substack.com · 02/12/2024

Would I pardon my son…. I don’t know. Frankly, until you’ve been there, I don’t think you can really weigh in on the issue. Until you’ve deeply loved a child in the throes of addiction, who has harmed and been harmed, you can’t really say what you’d do. Love is an other worldly thing.

0120

Reposted by melissa j hogan

Russell Moore @drmoore.bsky.social · 02/12/2024

According to historian Blake Scott Ball’s (excellent) “Charlie Brown’s America,” what saved Linus’ Luke 2 speech from tanking the whole thing with the network was…Coca-Cola.

1328138

Reposted by melissa j hogan

Mehdi Hasan @mehdirhasan.bsky.social · 30/11/2024

So a reminder: It’s not ‘liberals’ saying Hegseth abuses women. It’s his mom. It’s not ‘liberals’ comparing Trump to Hitler. It’s his vice-president. It’s not ‘liberals’ calling Musk a liar and a racist. It’s his own child. For the record.

5144426413151