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Matt Ruby

@mattruby.bsky.social
108 followers 39 following 2.4K posts

Comedian/Writer. Join over 16k subscribers and get my funny newsletter in your inbox: mattruby.substack.com

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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
October truly is the scary movie season. I can tell 'cuz that’s when Hollywood puts out all its exposés about tech CEOs.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
“If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said a technology that doesn’t destroy humanity.” -AI CEOs
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
Poetry is to standup comedy what burlesque is to stripping.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
Can't believe these tech platforms are really tryna Robert Kraft this El0n documentary.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
Wow, there's already a song about that lesbian bar in Massachusetts! www.youtube.com/watch?v=_y-6... This verse gotta be about KN-95 masks… 🎶 In the first bar, things were just okay In this bar, things were done my way I was dancing in a lesbian bar, ooh, ooh, ooh 🎶
youtube.com
Jonathan Richman - I Was Dancing In The Lesbian Bar (from I, Jonathan)
YouTube video by Craft Recordings
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
NYC: If you only see one show I do this year, this is the one. Jokes galore! Promo code/ticket link below...
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
Now Meta wants access to my email and bank accounts? Let's just end the charade, Zuck. Just put a button on Facebook that says, "Please take my identity and ruin my future." I'd rather just get this over with.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
I appreciate your feedback on my post. However... ✌️
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
Bringing iced coffee to the lesbian bar and wearing a KN-95 mask to a job interview just to show everyone on social media I GET IT.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
All these pro-AI people are the angriest optimists I've ever seen.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
Life hack: If you’re just going to drug and assault women anyway, you can save yourself the trouble of hitting yourself in the face with a hammer to attract them.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
George Saunders on how to turn your life into a story...
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't solve, hold a conference about it.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
Attacking "private equity" for ruining sports while being sponsored by betting apps is peak podcapitalism.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
Time to change it to LGBTQLC (last two letters standing for Long Covid)?
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 22/09/2026
Gotta keep those feeds brand-friendly. ✌️🤖
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 22/09/2026
Looney Tunes animator Chuck Jones used to throw yes sessions: “It was a ‘yes’ session, not an ‘anything goes’ session. Anything went, but only it was positive, supportive, and affirmative to the premise. No negatives were allowed. If you could not contribute, you kept quiet."
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 22/09/2026
Who's really "braver": Ed Sheeran or Macklemore? Sheeran is facing a massive backlash, getting removed from radio station playlists, enduring calls for boycotts, and reducing ticket prices. Maybe that's why he’s in tears. Meanwhile, Macklemore’s career is getting a big boost...
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 22/09/2026
Brilliant UI by Instagram. Way to block the content we really wanna see!
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 22/09/2026
This has been the answer all along. Unity. Collective action. Standing together. It's what the law firms and universities should have done too. If only there was some saying about how the divided tend to fall but...
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 22/09/2026
What if we put all the data centers in Idaho and power them this way?
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
I'm okay not eating on Yom Kippur because I just tell myself I'm intermittent fasting. And that's how I overcome my intermittent Judaism.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
Sydney Sweeney heard all the complaints about her last ad and decided to double DD-own.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
Crafts has really been riding arts' coattails for a while now.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
“It’s not for me” is “I love that for you” minus the glazing.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
I’ve watched enough standup comedy to know that “free the deodorant at CVS” would be an effective campaign slogan.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
You can't say AI might "kill" all of humanity. You have to say AI might "unalive" all of humanity. Because the robots want to protect us from harmful content as they eliminate us. 🤯
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
Re: that Sydney Sweeney ad, dontcha get it? The purpose of a lot of advertising now is to incite rage. If you're furious about it, that's great. And if you post angrily about it, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Madison Avenue's gone from Don Draper at work to Don Draper at home.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 17/09/2026
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 17/09/2026
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 17/09/2026
Horror movie idea: It’s called "Gated Community." An injury leads to an Amazon worker getting fired. This leads to a bunch of Amazon warehouse workers imprisoning wealthy folk inside their own neighborhood, turning it into a makeshift prison.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 16/09/2026
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 16/09/2026
Jokes! East coast dates...
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 16/09/2026
I keep hearing about “deaths of despair.” Scary stuff. That's why I've leaned into a life filled with despair instead!
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
I kinda relate to Macklemore because I too am frequently an opening act who gets oddly political and makes things weird for the headliner. Come see me tell jokes in NY, VA, MA, PA, MD upcoming. (I’ll be headlining so the weirdness will be fine.)
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
🗯️ Fauxtations 🗯️ “Did you get your steps in today?” -Fitbit and/or AA meeting “Unlike you, I respect indigenous cultures!” -Man tossing virgin into a volcano “L’eggo my ego.” -Buddhist waffles “I swear, I am not responsible for Aaron Rodgers.” -Ayahuasca
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
💡 IDEA: a doomsday bunker tax. How it works: These tech oligarchs get to stay in their bunkers and we get everything else they own. "Don't like it? Then ride out the apocalypse with the rest of us!"
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 14/09/2026
"Zohran's wife once put Macklemore on a playlist!" -NY Post headline tomorrow probably
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 14/09/2026
Writing secret:
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 14/09/2026
We eliminated bullying and look what happened. 🤓 Also: Can I bet on the destruction of humanity on Polymarket? 🤔
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 13/09/2026
It’s hilarious to me that Jaws was a book. How do you write that in prose? “Fin. Legs. Du duh du duh du duh. Scream! FIN.” 😂
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 13/09/2026
Do men need to examine their privilege OR stop being such broke losers? Do they need to "shut up and listen" OR approach women more often? This is why we need more women in the military...it'll help ladies clock the issues that inevitably result from conflicting orders within the chain of command.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 12/09/2026
Gems from the most recent Rubesletter. Read the rest at link below...
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 12/09/2026
Toad venom from indigenous folk should rebrand as FUBU BUFO.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 12/09/2026
> Email: "Good day Sir/Madam" > How they think I'll respond: "Finally, correspondence from a true GENTLEMAN. Go on..."
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
9/11: "This will change everything." Pandemic: "This will change everything." Reality: "Nothing ever changes.” Kudos to reality for being impervious to change, regardless of whatever tragedy happens.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
Czechia? Türkiye? Why are we NOW changing how we say these countries in int'l sports? Decades of my life have gone by and it's too late for me to adjust now. Related: I think all this hair plug money is going to Turkey's head.
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
"I am very well respected by my peers." -Me explaining my inability to sell tickets Upcoming shows in NY, VA, MA, MD, PA, & live taping in NYC!
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Matt Ruby @mattruby.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
Gen Z dresses like a slop bowl of fashion. It’s like there was a fire and they had to put on whatever was closest before dashing out the door. I miss when having "drip" just meant you had chlamydia.
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