Sign in

Matt Green

@mattgreencomedy.com
74K followers 369 following 3.1K posts

Comedian, satirist, writer, actor

PostsRepliesMedia
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 24/09/2026
This week I’ve been doing comedy on a cruise ship for @pocruises.bsky.social & Manford’s Comedy Clubs. The gigs have been great and the Norwegian fjords are as stunning as you’d expect.
5803
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 24/09/2026
It's been a fun couple of years of acting work - some really good things to be a part of...
Sense and Sensibility
7.6
Cleveland Doctor
THE WITNESS
The Witness
6.5 TV Mini Series
Dr. Richard Shepherd
LEGENDS
Legends
7.8 TV Series
Mr. Cole
ANDALAND
Amandaland
7.5 TV Series
Al Voice
Wuthering Heights
6.1
Registrar
PATIENCE
Patience
7.5 TV Series
Tour Guide
富tv
GARY OLEMAN
-SLOWHORSES
Slow Horses
8.3 TV Series
Park Lawyer
7571
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 06/09/2026
There are a few missing words in this sentence from the BBC, namely ‘since…*the last one caused*…World War Two’ But who needs context?
No far-right party has won control of a state in Germany since World War Two, and
220947
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 05/09/2026
Sometimes a picture is so photoshopped that it basically looks like A.I.
Cat Deeley and Ben Shepherd looking glum and very photoshopped
5803
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 04/09/2026
I love an unnecessarily elaborate backstage toilet - backstage at Colchester Arts Centre
131648
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 18/08/2026
I’m not sure what her looks have got to do with anything
Mushroom murderer Erin
Patterson is appealing - here's what you need to know
71102
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 16/08/2026
Just noticed this at Blackfriars station for the first time. Funny to see Berlin next to Bromley etc. But also how did this work? Was there a ferry to Calais from Blackfriars? So many questions.
Lots of names of stations from across Europe  THESE STONES WERE PART OF THE FACADE OF THE ORIGINAL BLACKFRIARS STATION OPENED IN 1886 WHEN IT WAS THE HUB FOR TRAVEL TO AND FROM MANY OF THE BUSINESS CAPITALS OF EUROPE
3351
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 12/08/2026
New dystopia incoming
US immigration officers to be equipped with gloves that deliver electric shocks
5606
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 12/08/2026
Did my own eclipse photos
61203
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 12/08/2026
Turns out the pinhole camera thing works
121072
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 30/07/2026
Browsing Vinted for the first time. Not entirely sure what product this photo is meant to be advertising
25814
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 30/07/2026
Allister Heath in 1940: “We’ve lost the war against Germany. Time to scrap the RAF.”
Allister Heath
We've lost the war against climate change. Time to scrap net zero
The lanyard class should have known better than to believe it could re-engineer the world from
Whitehall
Allister Heath
21484105
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 27/07/2026
Intriguing note above the sink in the Gents. So many ways to interpret this.
PLEASE NOTE, OUR TAPS OPERATE THE OPPOSITE OF NORMALITY
239615
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 12/07/2026
An incredible gig by @divinecomedyhq.bsky.social at the Royal Festival Hall tonight! Neil was in superb voice and the band were brilliant - so glad I got to see them live!
The Divine Comedy onstage at the Royal Festival Hall
9932
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 11/07/2026
OK now I’m convinced that Trump is getting royalties for this book. You couldn’t buy this kind of publicity
Donald J. Trump
@realDonaldTrump
Maggot Hagerman has covered me incorrectly for ten years. Her book is a joke! 90% of it is Fake News. She has made a living off her bad reporting, and will pay the price when our Multi Billion Dollar Lawsuit against The Failing New York Times gets to Court, which should not be that long. I don't mind bad press, if they are right. I do mind Fake Reporting, like what's in her boring book, and like she's done for eleven years, with only one aim in mind, to have Trump lose Elections but, as I sit in the Oval Office and ponder, that hasn't worked out too well. Maggot is a loser! If she ever wrote the true story about me, it would actually be quite boring, but loaded with lots of SUCCESS. Also, just finished a perfect physical at Walter Reed, I do it every six months, and I requested another Cognitive Test, the only President to do so, three times, and I aced them all - Got every question right. Few people in Washington, D.C., could do so, including Maggot and her flunky associate, Jonathan Swan. I would be willing to bet they couldn't get 50% of the questions right. Anyway, don't buy their book, it's garbage! President DONALD J. TRUMP
403 ReTruths 1.26k Likes
Jul 11, 2026, 12:23 PM
6848
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 10/07/2026
Donald Trump: Tax cuts backing, gold-loving Apprentice star Nigel Farage: Brexit backing, pub-loving I’m A Celebrity star
Ann Widdecombe:
Brexit-backing, animal-loving Strictly star
56010
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 05/07/2026
Incredible scenes
donytheponywahlberg 24m
+
Sorry you do not have permission to use my content to further your brand :)
Top v
donytheponywahlberg 24m
Next time just DM a quick ask, it's only polite and professional!donytheponywahlberg 17m
+
I guess it's too much for a white guy from a colonizer country to ask for consent on something. Happy Independence weekend from New (cleaner)
England!!!donytheponywahlberg 27m
@threads
I love when D-List celebrities try to dunk on random strangers to further their brand and content reach.
Thank you @threads for adding moderation tools to the website which allow me to control how people cite my content.
Is it too much for a white man from a colonizing nation to just ask consent before doing something?
mattgreencomedy • 36m
Never change Threads, never change
91002
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 05/07/2026
Never change, Threads
mattgreencomedy • 12m
The perfect end to this World Cup: Balogun scores the winner, Trump presents him with the trophy then announces the end of birthright citizenship via executive order and deports him
G D
donytheponywahlberg 4m
Good bit but not going to happen. Judiciary checks the Executive. Their ruling last week was a response to Executive action/lawsuits.
1223214
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 29/06/2026
My TV guide has started listing my local news as North West Tonight despite my living in London. Andy Burnham is already having an effect.
81227
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 26/06/2026
Whilst waiting at the station I also saw some cardboard that seemed to have spontaneously combusted in the sun. I knew how it felt
Some cardboard on fire on top of a luggage trolley outside a station in a heatwave
4511
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 25/06/2026
I accidentally dropped a chip
The seagulls get closerSeagulls much closer nowSeagulls fight over a chip
5490
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 25/06/2026
Oh no you don’t
Two seagulls loitering
8780
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 25/06/2026
Never in doubt
Nando’s bag at the train station
81040
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 23/06/2026
As Starmer resigns, let’s not forget one of his first big mistakes in government (cutting the Winter Fuel Payments) and how it could have been avoided…
412824
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 19/06/2026
Poor old Joe Root. He must have thought that the days of this type of photo being used were over #thecricket
Joe Root with hand covering his face, regretting being captain again
3271
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 18/06/2026
Lovely to see @joewellscomic.bsky.social & @abigoliah.bsky.social at their book launch tonight! You can get it here: owlbookshop.co.uk/product/neur...
Joe Wells and Abigoliah Schauman at their book launch at the Owl Bookshop
1344
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 17/06/2026
This spam message really made me laugh - and then wonder exactly what they meant…
If you want to improve your followers on any social media then knock me.
3481
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 15/06/2026
Banning children from social media?
24984465
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 12/06/2026
A headline that contradicts itself within 3 words
NEWS
Britain's greatest living artist David Hockney dies
1023025
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 12/06/2026
David Hockney - what a life and what an extraordinary artist. I spend many happy times at Salts Mill, and his creative energy and passion for art were undimmed until the very end. A great Yorkshireman and a towering figure of British culture. He will be missed.
David Hockney’s painting of Salts Mill
722632
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 05/06/2026
Sometimes people get together for the simplest reasons… Live at The 99 Club in London
28414
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 05/06/2026
When your job is headlines but you prefer riddles
Son of Top Gun star's girlfriend arrested over actor's death
1624446
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 03/06/2026
Fash-leisure?
A woman wearing gym top and shorts wielding a bottle of beer at a police van during the riots
169512
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 03/06/2026
“Legitimate Concerns”
10613209
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 02/06/2026
Professor of Innovation! Live at The 99 Club
1508
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 29/05/2026
I love it when newspapers turn into High Court Judges from the 1960s
"Giggity giggity" is a catchphrase used by the character Glenn Quagmire from TV show Family Guy and is a slang term used to indicate sexual desire.
3492
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 27/05/2026
When the audience is also funny! I love it when someone in the crowd says something genuinely funny. Live at The 99 Club in London
29110
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 23/05/2026
Just finished Thirst by John Robins. An unflinching and compelling memoir about alcoholism and recovery which is also very funny at times. He captures the false joy and thudding horror of addiction brilliantly. Honest, uncomfortable and brave - like his best comedy.
0603
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 19/05/2026
Really enjoyed @rosieisaholt.bsky.social’s new play Churchill’s Urinal at @kingsheadtheatre.bsky.social tonight - really funny with some great topical jokes and unexpected twists. See it in Islington or at @edfringe.bsky.social in August!
Churchill’s Urinal starring and written by Rosie Holt
0303
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 18/05/2026
Do you need a visa for London? Recorded live at The 99 Club
08512
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 12/05/2026
Russell Brand’s book sounds…as expected. A coruscating (he’d like that word) review of it here: liveapp.inews.co.uk/category/440...
Christian values for personal gain. Joseph, for what it's worth, is described as "another show-off loudmouth falsely accused of rape".
4464
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 10/05/2026
Every podcast advert! The Rt Hon Geoffrey Geoff-Geoffrey with a word from his sponsors…
28922
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 09/05/2026
Great news. Who needs real TV shows when you can just make your own AI slop versions?
Peak TV is behind us: UK developers pivot from building studios to data centres amid AI boom
4855
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 07/05/2026
Fair enough - 2 year olds find it very hard to work out the odds
3966
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 05/05/2026
Why TikTok is great actually! The Rt Hon Geoffrey Geoff-Geoffrey explains…
2304
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 01/05/2026
What is the Boris Wave? The Rt Hon Geoffrey Geoff-Geoffrey explains… An extract from Matt Green: Legitimate Concerns, live at the Leicester Square Theatre in October 2025.
17012
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 30/04/2026
All podcast ads sound like this! The Rt Hon Geoffrey Geoff-Geoffrey with a few words from his sponsors…
411245
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 29/04/2026
A modern retelling of Jack and Jill? Having fun with a couple at The 99 Club in London
1332
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 28/04/2026
Ahem
Tab Clear was introduced in the United States on December 14, 1992 to initially positive results,!" and was also marketed in Britain a month later, 2) in Japan in March 1993 and in Australia in April 1993.131 Tab Clear was, however, discontinued after only a short time of marketing in 1994. 'citation needed! Unlike most other "clear" soft drinks, Tab Clear contained caffeine!' and, according to the company, had the flavor of cola. 4115]
121
Matt Green @mattgreencomedy.com · 28/04/2026
What are Reform’s Pledges? The Rt Hon Geoffrey Geoff-Geoffrey runs through some of Reform's pledges from their last manifesto... An extract from Matt Green: Legitimate Concerns, live at the Leicester Square Theatre in October 2025.
28923