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matt be

@mattbe.bsky.social
2.9K followers 582 following 1.1K posts

Good Night, and Good Luck.

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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 26/05/2026
I occasionally question her commitment to taking that phone everywhere but fine
My daughter (and her phone) are apparently literally in the sea
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 26/05/2026
Just checking on my daughter’s whereabouts and yep fair enough, good decision.
The iPhone tracker showing that my daughter is in the North Atlantic ocean apparently.
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 08/05/2026
Siri, show me what a Green mayor of Hackney would look like
It’s Zoë Garbett, the new Mayor of Hackney.
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 29/04/2026
Hmm, tough one. 🤔
A daft question about PSG & Bayern Munich if they played in the Premier League
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 28/04/2026
Three years wasn’t far off. Finally my son’s daft nickname comes up trumps and I don’t have any more children so goodbye wordle. Wordle 1,774 1/6 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
The last time I got wordle in 1, with my daughter’s name (Grace), and me vowing to continue with my son’s nickname (Quack) as my first guess.
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 02/04/2026
just two small sections of the cast that I already know I’ll reread several times today
A list of extraordinary cameos in a notoriously shit filmA list of extraordinary cameos in a notoriously shit film
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 04/02/2026
Perfect timing. 👀 @mrpaulrobinson.bsky.social @samfr.bsky.social
A post featuring Benny Hill widening his eyes above an unrelated comment that says “one of those posts where your eyes get wider and wider as you read it through.”
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 19/01/2026
Q: what’s better than a perfectly cast, beautifully written indie gem starring Mark Duplass that will possibly make you cry? A: TWO perfectly cast, beautifully written etc etcs! (both on @netflix.com)
The movie poster for Paddleton (2019) starring Mark Duplass and Ray Romano, available on Netflix. The movie poster for Blue Jay (2016) starring Mark Duplass and Sarah Paulson, available on Netflix.
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 07/12/2025
Literally lost twice to the actual champion
Tyson Fury talking bollocks for a change
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 16/09/2025
I see the super rich have a new fetish
A headline reading “Chinese teens to pay $300,000 for urinating in soup” which I completely misread to be a fetish
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 03/09/2025
just had a cracking idea for a buddy movie 🎬
Our two favourite rascals with the headline: Hot mic catches Xi and Putin discussing organ transplants and immortality
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 25/08/2025
Aww wonderful. #TheyFoundAWay (Scoring more goals than the other team.)
Another example of a team “finding a way to win” (scoring more goals than the other team)
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 24/08/2025
We have Hairy Maclary from Donaldson’s Dairy but no Scarface Claw (the toughest tom in town!)
My son and his dog recreating the front cover of the excellent book Hairy Maclary and Zachary Quack.
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 23/08/2025
Half nine on a Saturday night. We used to be a proper country.
A message from my son saying “can we stay a little longer we’re just doing some Pilates”
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 04/08/2025
Forgive me, I can’t remember who, but someone recommended this recently and one of the replies called it possibly the best album ever. I’d never heard of it (or Songs: Ohia at all, somehow) but holy sweet Jesus they were right. Doing my civic duty by passing the recommendation on.
The sleeve art for Electric Magnolia Co by Songs: Ohia - Jason Molina
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 02/08/2025
I think this is my favourite throwaway gag ever, blink and you’ll miss it magic.
A beautiful gag from the end of The Soup Nazi episode of Seinfeld. “He’s moving out of the country. Moving to Argentina!”
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 01/08/2025
some people might think Sky Sports leading with Jake Paul’s next opponent being maybe Anthony Joshua but also maybe Joey Essex could mean boxing is becoming an absolute clown show but no not me let’s go for it sounds great
Sky Sports headlines suggesting Jake Paul wants to fight Anthony Joshua and, erm, Joey Essex
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 28/07/2025
Just used a bot to make some holiday dinner reservations and somehow they’ve booked them all for October not August. Got to admire the sassiness here though.
A bot saying “nice chatting with you. Bye!” in response to me pointing out they’ve booked the wrong dates for some dinner reservations.
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 27/07/2025
Wait… did they … find a way???
England only led for four minutes during the knockout stages of the EUROs apparently
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 26/07/2025
It’s no longer acceptable to simply say “well we scored more points than the other team, which is of course the sole objective.” You need the mystery and intrigue of “finding a way.”
A Sky Sports headline in which Andy Farrell says the Lions “found a way” to win.
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 23/07/2025
me looking in the mirror and realising how old I am
A green owl looking horrified with the number 148 next to it
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 06/07/2025
My son has gone on a week-long trip to France with a school-approved budget of €120 and spent €94 on duty-free fragrance before he’s even left the country. Great stuff.
My son proudly announcing he’s spent nearly all of his school trip budget on expensive smell-nice 🙄
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 15/06/2025
And the year before that.
A text from my daughter saying “happy Father’s Day I guess”
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 15/06/2025
Last year’s effort.
It’s a Father’s Day card but my daughter has overwritten the message to change “he’s funny, he’s clever, he’s the best dad ever” to “he’s goofy, he’s quirky, he’s the silliest dad ever”…
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 15/06/2025
The annual outpouring of emotion from my daughter.
My daughter going all out with her father’s day card message (“you’re alright sometimes but still no hugs!”)
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 15/04/2025
waiting for a manicure like
My dog looking all daft with his nails out ready for polishing.
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 13/04/2025
Enjoying this celebration of endless job insecurity from LinkedIn, thanks guys appreciate it.
An email heading from LinkedIn saying “Matt, congratulations on 13 years at Various Companies!”
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 19/01/2025
Oh it’s like that, is it.
My old pal Lev Parikian posting that the “joke improver” has logged on… right as I logged on to post!
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 14/01/2025
Well it’s Jim from the US version of The Office (which is not quite as good as the original, whatever people say) doing a twirl and saying thank you.
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 02/01/2025
Oh me too, I’m in a WhatsApp chat dedicated to them! 🦆
A WhatsApp chat where everyone calls each other ducky
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 28/12/2024
I've just opened up a can of worms. That's the last time I buy spaghetti from Lidl.
A drawing of a can of worms
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 28/12/2024
I always sleep naked. Well, I did. Then along came Mr South-East Trains with his silly little rulebook.
A drawing of a naked man on a train
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 28/12/2024
My girlfriend just bought a ruler from Smiths. Heaven knows I’m measurable now.
A drawing of Morrissey with a measuring tape
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 26/12/2024
the spirits I drank last night have now come back to haunt me
A drawing of a little ghost, by my clever friend Tom McLaughlin
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 25/12/2024
Just remembering the day I turned up for work and found this. Needed therapy for months but fine enjoy the Gavin And Stacey finale. 🙄
Four cardboard cutouts of James Bloody Corden
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 25/12/2024
Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope you’re all as excited as this guy. 🐶🎅🏼 x
My dog just about containing his excitement
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 23/12/2024
I've lived with my head in the clouds so long, my hair now has a silver lining.
A picture of a man with his head in the clouds, drawn by Tom McLaughlin.
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 21/12/2024
making some changes up front in my fantasy football team
An evangelist I presume, saying “Jesus I see what you’ve done for other people and I want that for me.”
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 20/12/2024
Bears think if you're lying motionless you're dead. So every morning the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family died in the night.
A rather traumatised looking bear
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 19/12/2024
robin red breasts get their distinctive look from only eating lasagne and not having any hands
A lovely robin red breast in the snow
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 18/12/2024
Jesus gets goals, Frank incensed and meh at St Mary’s.
The football scores with Jesus getting a hatrick, Thomas Frank’s team losing and Saints losing at St Mary’s.
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 18/12/2024
ok how did I only just realise that when you take your phone off airplane mode the plane literally flies away??
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 17/12/2024
The Waste Land is a littery masterpiece
It’s author T.S. Eliot in a dustbin, drawn by Tom McLaughlin
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 16/12/2024
when I see a Goodfellas pizza in the freezer I assume it's there because it betrayed the other pizzas
A cartoon of three mobsters surrounding a snitchy little pizza
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 14/12/2024
me liking every post about paying freelancers before christmas then realising I’ve forgotten to invoice someone
The Ben Affleck “oh balls” meme
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 11/12/2024
this was *meant* to be a joke
A story suggesting the person who identified Luigi Mangione might not get their reward because of a small print technicality.
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 09/12/2024
ok sure but apart from the two-page document railing against the health care industry, the fake id and the gun exactly like the one used in the crime, what else have they got?!
A news report detailing multiple reasons to suspect the person of interest in that NYC murder
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 09/12/2024
imagine you identified the ceo killer but they refused to pay out the reward on a small print technicality
U.S. NEWS
FBI offers $50,000 reward for information about gunman who killed UnitedHealthcare's CEO
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 27/11/2024
I enjoyed seeing this and momentarily having absolutely no idea what it was in response to
Rexton being Rexton I guess
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matt be @mattbe.bsky.social · 26/11/2024
“I am currently out of the office” but in dog form
My dog on his dog holidays
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