iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

This is not “I am going to kill myself” it’s “I desire relief from the intense emotions”

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System is on overload. The only thing my brain is doing is wishing it were dead.

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My life has been very intense, but at least it’s not boring However, I would prefer boring now

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I don’t buy the AI singularity hype

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I do have a part of me which rebels against the concept of status and wishes to say “believing status is important is low status”

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Read an article about status and realized I’m incredibly low status for several reasons

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I wish I did not think through things so much and then try to parse it through a political lense

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I struggle with distraction and then hyperfocus on the wrong things

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𝓵𝓾𝓶𝓹 🐠 @lumpfished.bsky.social · 18/02/2026

the cat is lying on me and kneading/biting my boob, which makes sense, but is also somewhat painful

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All my bad mental habits seem to be picking back up… shit

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Everyone’s going crazy right now, right?

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I would love to consume something which will cause me to be inebriated. Alas

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I am deciding to love myself, despite it all

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I struggle with executive functioning. But I have also overcome some of it. It’s still hard for me to do everyday body-involved maintenance. Often I feel like I don’t have a body. I know I dissociate, and have had serious episodes of it.

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Many times a diagnosis can provide an answer to the eternal question “Why am I like this” But I’ve personally had several diagnoses over the past 20 years, some even in conflict with each other. It changes as prescribers and therapists change. The answer for me isn’t clear

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I’ve had many diagnoses so I’m always hesitant to focus on one diagnosis over another. I’m certainly comorbid but not clear as to what.

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Here have one (1) community support 🫂

The level of intensity in which I experience emotions is different than most people’s experiences. This means high highs and low lows. It is bipolar after all (supposedly).

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maybe like low-medium. I’ve had far worse emotional experiences, and use my worst experiences as the standard however most people have never been to the level of intensity I have so my medium or even low crashout looks Huge to them

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I missed several doses of a medication due to not getting a refill quite in time, I am very likely having withdrawals. I have the med now but damn I am crashing out. Medium level, not extreme. Still manageable.

Is wanting support the same as wanting attention? Are they separate things?

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It’s like a memo went out through out tpot “don’t pay attention to her” Some part of me does crave the attention, but is support if not a form of attention? More fodder for me to self deprecrate by accusing myself of wanting attention

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I feel selfish for wanting as much community support as I do

There was an effort by some community members to triage the situation and included me and helping me with distress But over time it phased out and I don’t feel as embedded, connected and supported, I feel, on some level, neglected, rejected and quarantined indefinitely, like a leper

Perhaps I personally desire community support proportional to the amount of community harm I do get bits of support here and there and in the beginning of the experience I received some immediate crisis support

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Perhaps the community support I need is to be proportional to the community harms But that’s impossible

I feel so much shame around needing support

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I have learned I must be my own source of comfort and support

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I want my pain to be acknowledged by others, but have learned most people don’t care, or care and don’t know what to say, or say something and then leave or keep a distance

The suicidal thoughts are really intrusive today

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Her cruelty to me mixed with the way tpot reacted and then her eventual frustration culminating in her telling tpot to choose between me or her, basically pitting our trauma histories against each other, she has villainized me and contributed to the compounding of my trauma.

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But the way in which his egregious activities were revealed to the scene ended up doing serious damage to my psyche. The person I confided in revealed things in such a way, I ended up in worse condition. She did not seem to have a sympathetic bone in her body for me.

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I am grateful that this man was pushed out of tpot and off twitter, because he was using the platform to predate on women, trying to collect them as “concubines” for his sex cult harem. Had he been allowed to continue, a sex trafficking operation could have happened, especially given his fetishes.

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Even people who do care about me, they keep a distance. They’re afraid of triggering me. I am left more isolated.

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This feeling of rejection by tpot. Even by people who believed me.

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Maybe I continue to rehash this because I feel injustice for what I experienced not just from him but from the way tpot reacted en masse. There were individuals who did know my story and helped me, but the overwhelming reaction by tpot did too much damage, and so I’m left with this feeling… now…

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