Spinoza’s Simplest Bodies - Volume 100 Issue 1

PHILADELPHIA—With a hush falling over the city as millions choose to stay indoors and focus on taking deep, slow breaths, Philadelphia residents have been enjoying a quiet week of Super Bowl victory r...

GLENS FALLS, NY—Breaking its own record after scoring a touchdown to rack up its 600th point within the first quarter, the Boston Dynamics dog appeared unstoppable at the Puppy Bowl, sources confirmed Sunday. “It looks like Nacho is headed into the end zone, and—oh no, another brutal tackle from Spot, the robotic dog!” said game commentator Steve Levy, who clutched his head and winced as the gadget began emitting a high-pitched noise that caused the few still-standing puppies to crumple unconscious to the ground. “Oof, that’s gotta hurt! This is one dog that sure likes to play rough. It’ll be interesting to see what he does with the arm he’s protracting. Good God, Spot, no. That’s the referee! Run, everybody. Run for your lives!” At press time, the robotic dog was reportedly showboating with a victory dance on a pile of its opponents’ corpses.

NEW YORK—Eliciting a loud mix of boos and applause from the stands, Puppy Bowl star Mabel, a 1-year-old Jack Russell Terrier, controversially chose to shit Sunday during the game’s national anthem. “F...