iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 11h

The people who have determined the size of "one serving" of mustard have greatly underestimated my taste for mustard.

Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 15h

I'm just saying women can get guns just as easily as men can in this country, and yet they perform close to zero of the mass shootings.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Fun fact: My high school's marching band's theme the year they won the state championship in our division was "Whales and Sailors," an entire program inspired by Herman Melville's "Moby-Dick." I didn't really get it. It was pretty abstract, and I wasn't an artsy kid. But it was pretty cool.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

You shouldn't be, so damn material And try to milk Ice Cube like cereal

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

🎶No one . . . feasts like Gaston 🎶Consumes beasts like Gaston 🎵No one's roasting pan's quite as well greased as Gaston's

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

For the first time in SEVERAL years, I've had a class of 30+ students ALL get Cs or better on the first exam. What inexpensive gifts should I bring for them tomorrow?

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

fun fact: When you own a large, intact female dog, you get to enjoy drops of blood all over the house for a few weeks about once a year. It's been those few weeks.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Why does dry pasta always say to use so much water? Ain't nobody need no EIGHT QUARTS of water for a box of mac n cheese. Why do they tell you to boil that much water? That's two fucking gallons of water, fam. That's unnecessary.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

In Augustus Gloop's defense, Wonka had MINUTES EARLIER told them everything in the room was edible and only announced that they weren't to drink from the river AFTER HE STARTED DOING SO.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

I would argue that "Kentucky Colonel" is a patent of nobility, and that anyone who has accepted the honor is ineligible for elected federal office.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

I ever tell you folks about how my youngest (of 6) aunt was left out of her mother's will and threw this whole fit about it, making public a whole fuckton of childhood trauma only to later find out she was the sole beneficiary of the life insurance, which was probably about 30% of the entire estate?

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

🎵My anaconda don't want none🎵 Because adult boas feed very infrequently

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

I once interviewed for a paid summer clerkship just because the dean of the law school, who was also my advisor, told me to. I did not actually want the clerkship. I told them this during the interview. I was offered the clerkship, plus a bonus because I didn't want it. I accepted.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

This morning I prepared Neeson's puzzle toy BEFORE brushing her teeth, and she sat in her toothbrushing position on the couch and stared at me like I was completely insane.

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Reposted by Simon Templar

Polly Pallister-Wilkins @pollypw.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

The film Meta removed from Instagram… bsky.app/profile/roel...

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 23/09/2026

Ditto is a Normal-type Pokemon, and to that I say, "No. No, it is not."

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 23/09/2026

What if - now hear me out - what if "Twix" is a third declension nominative singular, and the two bars contained therein are the "TVVICES"?

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 23/09/2026

Every dissertation defense should end with a chanting of "One of us! One of us! One of us!" We can begin this tradition, fellow professors. We can make this dream a reality.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

Say what you will about Donald Trump, but he is certainly the first president in history who is IMMUNE TO SATIRE because anything you say or do to satirize him is less absurd than the things he actually says and does.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

Today I received a work e-mail with the subject line "Outraged by Kurt Gray" and was like, "Who the fuck is Kurt Gray and what did he do this time?" It was an ad for a book entitled "Outraged" by the author Kurt Gray. I have not read the book and am neither endorsing nor condemning it.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

I ever tell you folks about the time I received a 100% match on TurnItIn? A student not only submitted a paper they'd stolen from another student, but they KEPT THAT OTHER STUDENT'S NAME AND DATE ON THE PAPER. It literally had someone else's name and "February 8, 2018" at the top.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

The only reason Florida Man is more infamous than Texas Man or Louisiana Man is that Florida created some of the most transparent public records laws in the country back in the early 90s, whereas in Texas or Louisiana, getting information from the gov't about arrests is like pulling teeth.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 21/09/2026

Yesses and Nos, I present The Most Privileged Man in the World . . .

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 21/09/2026

Mary: "This party is lame as fuck, son. These people came here to get fucking wasted, and they are stone cold sober." Jesus: "I got this."

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 20/09/2026

I'm just saying why don't they make the urine sample cups bigger and with a long handle so the people with vaginae will have an easier time with it? The folks with penes can pee in anything.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 20/09/2026

What would you call someone who breaks into homes and steals people's cats? I mean "cat burglar" is already taken.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 20/09/2026

My favorite music genre is Trump being asked softball questions by right-wing journalists and him refusing to give the obviously right answer because he's too mentally deficient (or afraid of journalists) to recognize that it's a softball question.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 20/09/2026

I'm just saying . . . AGAIN . . . that literally all the A.I. hype perfectly resembles all of the NFT and cryptocoin hype and is even being hyped by exactly the same people who ran those cons, and yet not everyone recognizes it as a scam.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 20/09/2026

Liam Neeson the Greyhound doesn't like GETTING wet, but she likes BEING wet. If we get caught in the rain, she hates being rained on when dry. But if it's already BEEN raining, she will simply plop down in a puddle to get completely soaked and then have a grand time being wet in the rain.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 20/09/2026

fun fact: The Atlantic side of the Panama Canal is to the west of the Pacific side.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 20/09/2026

We, as a species, should be nicer to people who are alive and meaner to people who are dead. WAY meaner to people who are dead.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 20/09/2026

I'm just saying that if Europe is a continent, then so is India.

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Reposted by Simon Templar

TekknoNerd - Commissions open @tekknonerd.bsky.social · 18/09/2026

Voyager, walking on those tiny legs.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 18/09/2026

I'm just saying that society really started going downhill when we stopped migrating seasonally to where the best forage could be found and decided instead to sow and maintain crops for later harvest.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 17/09/2026

If you've been physically attacked, and are in fear for your life, and don't have the skills or ability to fight back . . . try soiling yourself. Most people will indeed stop trying to hurt you if you're covered in piss and shit. It can literally save your life.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 17/09/2026

YouTube ads begins: "I don't know if it's just me, but my shoulder has been killing me recently." Um, yes, by definition, your shoulder pain is JUST YOU. Shoulder pain is not infectious. It's not trending. It doesn't go viral. It's literally an entirely subjective phenomenon.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 16/09/2026

fun fact: I'm great at keeping secrets, but you gotta tell me it's a secret. If you don't tell me it's a secret, I will assume you want me to openly and explicitly act on this information.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 16/09/2026

Fun fact: Abortion is self-defense, and thus cannot be murder, even if we pretend the unborn are persons. Pregnancy comes with a substantially increased risk of death from a large number causes. The risk of death INCREASES the longer one is pregnant.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 16/09/2026

Remember the white cop who drew his firearm and called NINE OTHER WHITE COPS to the scene because Zayd Atkinson was picking up litter outside his home in Boulder, Colorado? That cop was permitted to resign from Boulder PD, but now he's a "digital media and evidence" officer at the CU Anschutz PD.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 15/09/2026

Humans weren't meant to be "in the workforce" for 30, 40, 50-plus years. And they don't have to be. But capitalism.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 15/09/2026

(un)Fun Facts: The average age of a current U.S. Senator is 65. 80 years ago, the average LIFE EXPECTANCY of an American was 65.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 13/09/2026

I'm just saying you should hold onto your wedding registry, and if you two are still doing alright, like, ten years later, and there's anyone on there who is still single . . . you owe them. You need to get them something nice. Sincerely, ARO 40-something who has been to a LOT of weddings

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 13/09/2026

I've posted this many times before, but it's been over a year now: InSinkErator + NYSNC = NSyncErator, a garbage disposal that plays "Bye Bye Bye" when you use it.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 12/09/2026

So serious question: With ABS being as it is, is the strike zone legitimately now just a plane in the middle of home plate rather than a 3-D space over it? Because ABS clearly thinks it's a plane, so if we're going to use it to overturn umpires, then umpires need to know the SAME strike zone.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 11/09/2026

Name a non-LOTR character who could resist the One Ring

Movie poster for the 1997 Disney film "Air Bud," in which a Golden Retriever named Bud plays basketball.

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Reposted by Simon Templar

Ben Siemon @benjaminjs.bsky.social · 11/09/2026

It's beautiful that our president has ordered his face at half mast to honor those lost on 9/11.

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 11/09/2026

Here's a higher quality version that didn't get badly cropped somehow.

Statue of Salvador Allende in front of the Palacio de la Moneda in Santiago, Chile. Text reads "Never Forget."

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Simon Templar @karpovsmachine.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

Fun fact: We don't know for certain why the chess piece called the queen is such a god-tier badass, but we do know this: 1/2. The piece received her current name and powers in the late 15th Century, when the game was being introduced to most of Europe via the Iberian peninsula.

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