iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 24/08/2025

actually i feel like all the evil pain and suffering in the world comes from me ik that it sounds ridiculous but that's a legitimate belief

120

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 24/08/2025

i might just be the unlucky charm of this family because those are the greatest people i know yet they keep on being forced to live through hell dealing with terrible circumstances and evil people and i feel like somehow I'm the source of all that's bad

140

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 24/08/2025

how i wish i had a piece of rope rn

020

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 24/08/2025

not kidding when i say that i might actually decide to end myself soon living was not made for me and it's becoming more and more apparent with each day idk how to even describe this feeling i know with my entire body and soul that i have to escape

220

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 23/08/2025

haven't been this suicidal in years icl

041

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 05/08/2025

starts feeling real and i notice the lack of her in all the small simple steps of our daily routine

010

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 05/08/2025

she lived in my room since i was like 5 all i would do after school was come back to her then when i dropped out and started self isolating for now 7 years I'd spend every single second of every day being able to just look over to see her I'm not prepared for how empty and lonely I'll feel once it

110

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 05/08/2025

I'm crying and having a physical reaction but i don't feel anything I'm glad she's not in pain anymore but it hasn't clicked in my head that it's done I'm alone in my room now it feels like when she hd to stay at the vet for a few hours and all i had to do was pick her up it just doesn't feel right

130

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 05/08/2025

she's gone and idk if my brain fully processed it just yet

360

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 03/08/2025

I've cared for planty of terminally ill humans and animals so I'm aware of that so is the medical professional in my house all I was saying in my initial post was that i wouldn't euthanase someone who can still fulfill their needs without needing much help and being in too much pain

010

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 03/08/2025

idrk what the goal of saying that was if I'm being honest i said that I'm not delusional and know that she'll pass soon it might give her a few more days it might not she's been given medication to manage the pain and is back home which are both likely the reason for her being slightly better also

110

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 03/08/2025

like I'm not delusional she has a human sized massivle tumour in her tummy and that's that but like how am i supposed to let her go when she's still able to get up and just be her cute little self

030

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 03/08/2025

i can't say yes to euthanasia when she's in a state like this it's a decision I'll make once there's not an ounce of fight left in her maybe it's selfish but

130

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 03/08/2025

woke up to her getting up to get food and water on her own cleaning herself and even playing with my headphones and her chestnut toy a little which makes me both happy and sad

170

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 03/08/2025

i could settle on 5 i just really want for the date to have some deeper spiritual meaning both for her and myself and i don't know what i could associate with the 5th

020

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 03/08/2025

friday and i don't want to make her suffer for any longer than she has to 6th is already pushing it but on Monday we'll be calling all the cremation places to pick the right one and set everything up and then I'd spend the entire Tuesday with her and say goodbye in the morning

110

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 03/08/2025

it has to be this week so i was thinking 6 since it's the lovers card in tarot and she truly is my onw and only forever soulmate that i believe I'll keep on getting reunited with till the day the universe comes to an end 8 sounded great too as in infinity also 808 but it's

120

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 03/08/2025

since i kind of get to pick the date of her passing I've been trying to settle for the most meaningful number but i just dk

150

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 01/08/2025

I've been trying to control my crying by watching silly stuff that makes me laugh bc crying non stop every day and night already gave me a migraine but for some reason i feel guilty when i laugh i feel like a bad person for being able to disconnect at a time like this

150

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 01/08/2025

omg this would've been perfect i wish we had them in my country

010

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 01/08/2025

crying tysm for suvh sweet words

010

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 01/08/2025

omg tysm I'm gonna have to look into it

010

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 01/08/2025

gosh i hope that there's a way to transfer the ashes to a different urn later on if not directly then i hope that i can at least put the lil paper like default box into a bigger urn as a whole

000

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 01/08/2025

that's a great idea I'll resort to that it there's no other way

010

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 01/08/2025

thing is i haven't been able to find non toxic paint other than face paint for kids but i fear that i wouldn't last :/ also yeah the salt dough dries out! and is sadly my only option atm i was more so wondering if i could seal it with resin lacquer or smth of thw sort

110

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 01/08/2025

if i had the money I'd get all the memorabilia thalt they're selling at the cremation centre but i can barely afford the cremation itself n thr bank won't let me takr a loan like i can't even get her a proper urn rn bc of how expensive the daily vet visits are

240

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 01/08/2025

i wapnt to get one of thosr voice boxes thst they put in plushies fill it with recordings of my sunshines lil noises n put it in my childhood teddy but ones tht support digital audio so hard to come by....

140

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 01/08/2025

I've been collecting her whiskers fur nails got one of her teeth in my wallet picture of every singe detail of body recordings of her purrs and all i but it still doesn't feel like enough

010

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 01/08/2025

don't have the time to order a paw print kit so I just made some salt dough but nowi need to find a way to seal it to make itlast forever n not mold also idk how to get a 2d paw print asap and i need to get it tattooed

220

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 31/07/2025

it unironically feels like there are billions of little strings in my heart popping one by one I'm in agony both emotionally and physically

020

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 31/07/2025

this is truly the worst thing to ever happen to me up until now and going forward i wholeheartedly believe that this is the biggest tragedy i personally could possibly ever go through losing her is my biggest nightmare unavoidably coming to life and i fear that I'm not even at peak heartbreak rn

3110

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 31/07/2025

we're gonna have to put her down probably next week ish I've been preparing for this very moment 2 whole years and it still feels unreal what do you mean one day she'll just stop existing forever

050

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 30/07/2025

she doesn't feel like eating but her breathing got better she purrs when i pet her n shes been drinking a good amount of water n finally got up to go to the litterbox which is honestly such a relief it means that at least her kidneys are still doing their job

2100

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 30/07/2025

i hope that when the day comes i won't have to once again argue about whether i should or shouldn't cremate her idc how stupid people find it the same way they always visit their loved ones graves i can't imagine moving across the world one day without her by my side i just can't

010

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 30/07/2025

i have to take her there again tomorrow for more tests but overall she's in a bad shape knowing for 2 years that your best friend could get worse at any moment and you might have to make the decision to put her down doesn't help whatsoever no matter how long you've got u just can't prepare for it

010

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 30/07/2025

crying tysm that's so sweet of u

020

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 30/07/2025

omg this is so beautiful tysm for sharing 🥹

010

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 30/07/2025

like i need someone who understands that she truly is a gem with the most beautiful soul and the biggest heart imaginable the world shouldn't be able to continue existing without her in it i mean it she's so much more different than any other being in the world ever

120

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 30/07/2025

one thing that I've always hoped for was that i would find my forever partner before my cat passes so that I'd have someone to reminisce with someone who i wouldn't have to explain to just how precious she is cause they'd know it first hand someone that i could share the memory of her forever

240

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 30/07/2025

I'm in agonising amounts of sadness

010

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 30/07/2025

i hate the fact that everything around keeps on moving the world just keeps spinning regardless

150

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 30/07/2025

I've had her since i was like 5 so i don't even know what life without her looks like and i don't want to know she's been there for ms when i was getting bullied when i started sh when everyone at home was screaming and all i wanted to do was to curl up in a ball and cry

010

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 30/07/2025

the urge to sh relapse rn every time there's some sort of emergency regarding her it feels like the world is ending cause she literally is my world she's my only and dearest friend and the only reason why all of my suicfe attempts in the past 17 years have failed like idk what to do with myself

120

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 30/07/2025

and now i have to wait 6 more hours while she's at the vet to find out if she's okay literally all i want rn is ti die

130

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 30/07/2025

yeah no sadly i researched all the possibilities and the closest one was over an hour long drive away which is honestly insane ty tho !!

100

mia ⋆⭒˚.⋆ @jurincals.bsky.social · 30/07/2025

i have to wait 4 more hours for the vet clinic to open with the knowledge that those might be thw last 4 hours i get to spend with her i feel sick

130