Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 27/08/2026Not the same, and I never saw it, but I still can’t believe this happened 050
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 13/08/2026When prosecutors finally examined the evidence, the case fell apart. 130
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 13/08/2026Investigators said the car that caused the accident left "red or maroon" transfer paint on the car it hit. But Lindsey Isaacs' car was a black Dodge Durango, with no sign of damage 120
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 13/08/2026This is Lindsey Isaacs. Last year, after a roadway accident killed three people in Florida, police spotted her on a Flock license plate reader and arrested her. But she wasn't involved in the crash. 185
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 12/03/2026When I look at the calendar and realize it’s Thursday 000
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 18/02/2026“Bruce, you make such amazing bread. What do you do to the dough that it always turns out so chewy and delicious??” Bruce: 000
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 16/11/2025I think it’s Normal and Good that the government of the most powerful nation on earth is run and entirely staffed by the bullies from a Stephen King novel 021
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 30/10/2025Y’know, there are just some sentences and phrases you really never expect to find yourself writing. 110
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 16/09/2025My wife took this picture of me with our dog a couple years while we were supposed to be doing a family photo shoot, and I told her she had just made me a member of the Intellectual Dark Web. She didn’t get the joke, and I envied her for it 180
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 13/09/2025“to our minds, among the biggest culprits are the universities” 010
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 30/07/2025Haven’t seen Fantastic Four yet but I hope they include this scene from the original comic, where Ben feels he’s no longer a man and has been reduced to nothing more than an object, only for Reed to cut in, “Yeah sure thing—and you can call ME Mr Hot Shit!” 020
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 12/07/2025One setback and one spinal surgery later, this little guy has a long road to recovery but a solid prognosis otherwise 030
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 08/07/2025Gotta say, I didn’t know famously yip-afflicted MLB pitcher Chuck Knoblauch’s Wikipedia page has *multiple* suboptimal section headings 000
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 02/07/2025I’ll always remember him as ski instructor Blaine from Hot Tub Time Machine 020
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 16/06/2025“When it’s time for a cold drink on a hot day, the last thing you need is to wonder if the water or the ice is clean. That’s why I only trust *glances quickly* Ex-Wife brand refrigerator filters.” 010
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 29/05/2025One month later. He’s not out of the woods but he’s MUCH better. Another month at this rate and he should be just about back to normal. We bought him this stroller for the time being but I think we’ll keep it in the rotation, he really seems to love being comfortable and closer to the action 🥰 120
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 19/05/2025To be honest I could've filled the word count just with my favorite @theonion.com headlines (and in fact I included several). Here's one portion I ended up cutting for space 100
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 04/05/2025Just occurred to me: the entire MAGA movement’s messaging campaign is like a particularly lazy Judah Friedlander bit 020
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 23/04/2025This is Fox. Over the past 48 hours he started having trouble with his back, until today he couldn’t even stand on his hind legs. He’s not even that old, maybe 8 or 9? Anyway. He’s my special little guy and I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t get better. 140
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 27/02/2025lmao I get it now, Candace Owens is the most gullible person alive 1423
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 05/02/2025I know it seems boring, and there’s plenty of other shit competing for your eyeballs, but it’s worth paying attention to what’s going on at the FCC. 412043
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 12/01/2025Cinematography, production design, direction?? It should’ve walked away with those awards. [GOB Bluth voice] COME on!!! 030
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 26/12/2024when I pick out the Be My Baby drum fill in Bruce Springsteen's version of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" 031
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 25/12/2024Tired: DIE HARD is a Christmas movie Wired: GO (1999) is a Christmas movie. 011
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 08/12/2024Made snickerdoodles. First baking attempt in >2 years. Hope they’re good 131
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 06/12/2024Probably a bad sign as a man to have maced more women than you’ve boinked 181
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 29/11/2024Obviously GET HIM TO THE GREEK is the film with the most accused sex pests in the cast, but SHARKNADO 2 is a definite contender for second place 011
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 26/11/2024Fox was found abandoned in a yard somewhere, and while that’s terribly sad, I’m endlessly thankful that it meant he was available for adoption when we went looking 151
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 22/11/2024Gonna start posting out-of-context category images from @vulture.com Cinematrix to spread celebrity dating rumors 021
Joe Lancaster @joelancaster.com · 15/11/2024I have to assume Djimon Hounsou is a delight to work with, because franchises love to cast him, kill off his character, then bring him back for the prequel. 041
![The paper even turned some politicians into recurring characters: During Obama’s presidency, The Onion wrote of then-Vice President Joe Biden as a womanizing, blue-collar party animal, who listened to hair metal and drove a Pontiac Trans Am. Younger readers who only know Biden as the doddering, elderly president would likely be confused by the Election Day 2012 Onion headline “Poll Workers Overhear Biden Repeating Phrase ‘Banged Her’ While Reading Names On Ballot.” Onion articles in the 1990s had then-President Bill Clinton writing a fan letter to 80s punk rocker Joan Jett and, after the deaths of several staffers and administration officials, “pour[ing] a 40-ounce bottle of King Cobra malt liquor on the ground in honor of his dead homies.”](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:gmrkjigyttfrwbrdxszry5at/bafkreiau2u5s4fvml3azg7vhf2radfikuynohzourx3ykkzodznsmcuape)
