iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

i dont think i can live like this for long to be honest

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i spend a lot of time wishing that i was a fundamentally different kind of person

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school trauma gets me SHIT

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Dani @hellmoder.bsky.social · 21/02/2025

i want to wake up someday and feel like i'm real

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i don't wanna take my feelings to anyone i feel annoying theres nothing to do about them anyway really

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Dani @hellmoder.bsky.social · 20/02/2025

i did not ask for this life

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Dani @hellmoder.bsky.social · 12/12/2024

i wanna not feel inhuman

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Dani @hellmoder.bsky.social · 08/12/2024

why does my brain do the thing where it thinks everyone wants to kill or hurt me

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i wish i didn't have to be scared

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i appreciate you but you don't have to feel obligated to be the person that responds to all my posts. It's fine. Live your life. I'll be fine

i am so so good at pretending to be okay and i think maybe i shouldn't be but thats the only way i could cope

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i have such a fragile identity. sometimes i think i need to figure out who dani even is

if i do anything good for myself how else will i be able to propagate my own self hatred

or maybe deep down i'm just an awful person in denial

but the stuff i feel could be so easily misunderstood

i dont want to be doomed to be always lonely and yet. Why are people too much for me to handle. If i can't handle them online then,

seeing others get on with their lives feels like a torment for me, who doesn't have one anymore

sorry i was spiralling and got interrupted but i figured i should at least post this anyway as a representation of how i felt

to happen to me and then it's all down. thats goodbye to a life that never mattered in the first place. everyone who hated me will now cry over a tragedy. They were so sweet and happy. Scary how you never know. I don't want their tears of obligation

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maybe i'd be fine. i'm not. and i'll never be fine. Why am i forced to keep living this embarrassing life. it's fine if everyone hates me because i'd hate me too. there's no way i could blame them. why put anything towards someone who's given up. Nothing but to eventually expect something awful

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can i at least have any kind of fight i can't get a job fine i accept that but there's nothing. i spend my days waiting it out in my room thinking maybe something will happen to me or maybe at least i'll die and won't have to think about it. If I had it in me to just pursue and pursue endlessly

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i want to fucking kill myself and gouge my eyes out

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he's in my life most days for the foreseeable future

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he hates anything that doesn't go exactly how he thinks it should. So what's happening with me now he definitely hates and putw the full blame on me. i dont care. i dont want to talk to him. ever. after im able to leave he wont get to be in contact with me

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i wanna sleep. what if he comes in to my room and im sleeping in the middle of the day. hes going to yell. its going to wake me up. im going to be terrified

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i hear his voice and it petrifies me. Suddenly i am not allowed to do anything because whatever anything is he will be mad and he will yell. So do nothing. But doing nothing is bad too. I have trauma about this guy :(

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im not actually considering it im just fucking. stressed and idk what the fuck to do.

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at least when i was a teen i realised there was no option for me other than eventual suicide

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idk how i ever managed to go to uni at all and didnt just give up lol

my anxiety is so impossible

Dani @hellmoder.bsky.social · 02/12/2024

i still think about people being awful to me

Dani @hellmoder.bsky.social · 01/12/2024

and to think i used to be all self important

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Dani @hellmoder.bsky.social · 27/11/2024

been feeling extremely better but in the concerning way like as if i just really stopped giving a shit

Dani @hellmoder.bsky.social · 26/11/2024

i mean technically i got like pretty good school results but that didnt fucking matter to anything lol crazy. What was the point

why is my dad shouting and yelling shfmhkdsd why does he always do this

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btw this account is definitely gonna be very annoying to read im just letting out whatever fucking thoughts i have which is usually retreading

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problem of my own making, as usual, but that is just how it is. There is probably a precedent of having being made to feel alienated for whatever in this place.

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im sad somewhat that my mother wants me to confide in her or anyone else here and i really just can't she seems so alienated from anything that actually concerns me and makes it repeatedly clear she doesn't understand me at all so idk why i should be comfortable with that.

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oghhhh self-blaming for my issues is so cool

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