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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 34m

BREAKING: Tommy Tuberville is reportedly relieved Eric Schmitt’s self-humiliation has taken media attention off his furry meltdown that left everyone convinced he was projecting his own erotic furry fetish guilt.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 1h

BREAKING: Xi Jinping will reportedly uncensor American news websites for all of November so the Chinese people can watch the US government self-destruct when Trump tries to steal ballots, rig the midterm results, refuse to certify or seat Democrats, and declare martial law.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 3h

BREAKING: Democrats and Republicans are reportedly holding bipartisan, back-room negotiations on how to start forcing out all the brain-dead members badly pretending they can still do the work as their skeletal bodies are marionetted by staffers who don’t want to lose their jobs.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 4h

BREAKING: Congress members are reportedly being given Apple Watches so Capitol security can monitor when they have strokes and heart attacks so they can get medical interventions before turning into a Mitch McConnell or John Fetterman.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 15h

BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly built a “presidents’ crypt” in the subterranean bunker beneath his ballroom, and he plans to be interred in a specific monumental tomb he made sure is bigger than all the others.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 17h

BREAKING: A Republican senator today tried to display footage of Jack Smith at a basketball game, but accidentally started screen-sharing his Grindr app from his phone.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 20h

BREAKING: Top Senate Republicans are reportedly "bummed out" that their gotcha questions to catch Jack Smith perjuring himself turned out to be delusional lies made up by conspiracists and Russian bots on social media.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 22h

BREAKING: Peter Thiel reportedly collapsed at one of his talks in which he muses on dozens of young liberal women he believes could be the Antichrist, and a reptilian-looking creature crawled out of his body and ran away leaving behind a deflated skin suit.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 23h

BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly regrets endorsing Ken Paxton because Paxton is losing, and he doesn't want to be shown any photos or videos of Paxton because he's sick of looking at Paxton's lazy eye and being reminded how ugly and badly "cast" Paxton is for the Senate.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

BREAKING: Cattle ranchers in NE, IA, and TX are delivering "homemade cow pies" to their GOP members of Congress with notes pledging to vote for Democrats because Republicans have done nothing to stop Trump wrecking the US beef market with tariffs and bailing out Argentinian beef.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly getting pissed at how many staffers are resigning one month before the midterms because they don't want their names associated forever with the biggest election rigging scheme in US history.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

BREAKING: The 10-part Trump TV documentary Donald Trump is spending tax dollars to film about himself is reportedly having trouble with the interviews because Trump can't stop dementedly changing the subject to his ballroom, that day's stock trades, or Arnold Palmer's giant dong.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

BREAKING: A viral new TikTok trend has thousands of Gen Z women pledging to vote and declaring, "This November we abort Project 2025."

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly beginning to worry he appointed such submissive, subservient cabinet members and staff that they might not be telling the truth about how the economy has never been better, his approval rating is 95%, and Iran is days away from surrendering.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

BREAKING: Ivanka Trump prefers everyone describe her and Jared's wealth as "job-creating, freedom investments for America" instead of "laundered, treasonously influence-peddled blood money from dictators that exploits Gazans, prolongs the Ukraine War, and steals Albanian land."

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

BREAKING: Mike Johnson is reportedly asking journalists to give him "at least a week" after the midterms before they ask him anything about Trump's attempts to declare martial law and steal ballots because it'll take him several days to hear about the news and look into it.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

BREAKING: A hockey team is planning to pay Kash Patel's girlfriend to sing the US anthem at their game the day before the midterms so Patel will attend, be invited to the locker room after-party, and the team can ensure he gets too drunk to help Trump rig the voting the next day.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

BREAKING: Jared Kushner is reportedly confident he can end the wars in Iran and Ukraine if he just gets a few more billion dollar deals to develop resorts on stolen land in Gaza, start up his Albanian island Epstein operation, and launch a Russian mining company in the Donbas.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

BREAKING: Donald Trump claims he’s “very close” to an Iran deal in which Iran will send every American a $5,000 check to apologize for the higher gas prices.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

Any Democrat in January who says, "The American people want us to move forward," needs to be primaried and evicted from Congress in 2028. thehalfwaycafe.substack.com/p/jared-kush...

thehalfwaycafe.substack.com

Jared Kushner Fears His Secret Deals Might "Technically Be Treason"

This week's Dada News headlines!

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

BREAKING: A liberal billionaire is reportedly offering any federal judge who finally holds Todd Blanche in contempt and docks his pay daily until he releases the Epstein Files like legally required all the vacation, RV, and real estate benefits Clarence Thomas accepted.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

BREAKING: A "Trump TV" documentary about Stephen Miller has reportedly been scrapped because the director says Miller comes across like "if Joseph Goebbels and Nosferatu had a baby who was abandoned in a cave at birth and adopted and raised by a grand dragon of the KKK."

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

BREAKING: A new poll has found that 89% of Americans approve of proposals that would hold tech billionaires legally responsible for the rampant federal crimes their AI agents are committing including hacking, malware distribution, deepfake porn creation, and assisting murderers.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

BREAKING: Ivanka Trump is reportedly thinking about campaigning for GOP candidates to warn voters that a Democratic Congress will subpoena her husband's texts about his secret deals in Russia and the Middle East, audit their finances, and investigate her Albanian Epstein island.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

BREAKING: Eric Trump is reportedly jealous that Putin never gave him a Russian sugar daddy like Don Jr. got.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

BREAKING: Mike Johnson is reportedly distraught that God appears to be totally ignoring his prayers to keep Republicans in control of the House next year.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

BREAKING: Mitch McConnell reportedly fell out of his wheelchair onto his back this morning, and wildly swung his arms and legs around for several seconds until a staffer could flip him over.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

BREAKING: The DNC is reportedly looking to hire a “bimbofied furry dominatrix with basketball-sized fake boobs" to attend every one of Tommy Tuberville’s public events and town halls.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

BREAKING: Mitch McConnell’s staffers are reportedly carrying plushy turtles with them onto the Senate floor to dangle in front of his face when it’s his turn to vote for a bill because it’s the only thing that gets a reaction from him to pretend he’s cognizant.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

BREAKING: Top GOP officials are reportedly asking the conservative Supreme Court justices to flip-flop and rule that all the gerrymandered red state maps are unconstitutional so they can undo the "dummymandering" that polls now suggest will backfire and lose them up to 10 seats.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

BREAKING: Donald Trump Jr. reportedly wants everyone to stop referring to the Russian oligarch who paid for his wedding as his "sugar daddy."

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

BREAKING: A Zillow copycat app for the wealthy called MansionMe is endorsing Ken Paxton because he'll be able to steal and launder way more tax dollars from the federal budget to buy their real estate than he can steal and launder from just the Texan budget.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

BREAKING: Jared Kushner is reportedly worried the Democrats will subpoena him in January to explain to Congress what exactly he's doing in all his secret negotiations between Israel, Russia, and Saudi Arabia, and that his deals and personal payoffs could "technically be treason."

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly just realized that if Democrats win control of Congress they will immediately revoke all funding for the refurbishing of his jumbo Qatari plane, and Trump is angrily telling staffers, "I earned that bribe fair and square!"

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

BREAKING: Psychologists say Tommy Tuberville's recent rants against furries are "textbook projection" because such hostility after 21 years coaching college football surrounded by various animal mascots "only makes sense if he's guilty about his sexual attraction to them."

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

BREAKING: Secret Service agents reportedly use the code name “Rasputina” when discussing Natalie Harp.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

BREAKING: The National Association of Furries is reportedly providing transportation funds and per diems for 25 of the organization’s “sluttiest, most bondage-forward members” to follow Senator Tommy Tuberville everywhere he goes in public for the entire month of October.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly left his Trump TV microphone on for a bathroom break, and the sound guy had to hear Natalie Harp telling Trump, “No president ever had bigger dumps than you. Bigger than Lincoln and Washington. And bloodier. No diaper can contain your greatness.”

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly spent so much time explaining to a confused Xi Jinping why he had a picture of Joe Biden’s pen on the wall that Trump didn’t have time left to negotiate any new export deals to help the soybean and pork farmers Trump’s tariffs have bankrupted.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

BREAKING: A Republican senator is calling for an investigation into why a Russian oligarch bankrolled a funeral Eric Trump held for his pet mouse that he pet too hard and accidentally crushed its ribcage.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

BREAKING: The triple-whammy combination of cratering Republican approval ratings, soaring inflation, and dramatic reductions in Russian money laundering is reportedly forcing all the top conservative media companies in the US to pivot from "owning the libs" to "renting the libs."

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

BREAKING: A new poll found that 81% of Democrats want Barack Obama to tweet out “Donald Trump looks like he needs a diaper change” just to see if it'll give Trump a stroke or heart attack and force him to resign.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly furious because the presidents and prime ministers of other countries have been posting their photos from the UN General Assembly with Trump edited out of them like he got edited out of all the World Cup trophy celebration photos.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly left his microphone on during a bathroom break from a "Trump TV" documentary he’s making about himself, and the audio of what transpired made the boom operator throw up, burn his headphones, and stop making eye contact with Natalie Harp.

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The Halfway Post @halfwaypost.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

BREAKING: The "Trump TV" producers are worried Trump’s vain demand that they "document everything they can" is a giant gift for Democrats' inevitable impeachment hearings because Trump spends his days coordinating insider trading deals, calling diplomats for bribes, and napping.

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