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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀

@griefmachine.bsky.social
359 followers 662 following 2.1K posts

an silly he/him 🍁

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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 11h
Ordered 10,000 communion wafers online. now I find out I need a priest to do some trans stuff to them to make them into the body of christ again. Once that is done, we're just a little jolt of electricity away from Christ 2. Be ready. He'sa gunna be pissed.
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 11h
Oh i thought you were saying hand me. i misheard. I shall unhand you now.
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 11h
i know the point of the show is that the Death Note would drive anyone mad with power and ultimately destroy everything in the user's life, but I think I would be a really good person to find the book since I would be immune to all those downsides personally
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 12h
USMNT United States Mutant Ninja Turtles
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 14h
on the stern advice of my brother I am watching Peep Show again from the start. My brother was right, just dont think he needed to yell about it.
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
Helena Bongofan Carter
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
check out this foot pile
a photo of a tuxedo cats paws all stacked up there in nap. Her forpaws are in focus and the fur has a luscious and velvety quality. all 4 feet are visible. a foot pile.
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
Dear Achilles, Figured email was best way to reach you, due to the war, etc. Anyway, was wondering if you could return my son Hector's body to us? It's just that for the funeral rites we need the body. So sorry again about the Patroclus mix up. Hope we can put it behind us. No worries if not! Priam
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
I havent seen Digger but it looks like the type of film that will be critically reassessed in 10 years or so and I look forward to seeing where the wind blows and forming my opinion once a consensus is formed and then claiming I always had the right take.
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
first thing that came to mind: Feelyat! youtu.be/lMEDVabmzmA?...
youtu.be
The Kids in the Hall - Feelyat!
YouTube video by ReptarOnIce
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
*diving into my own bellybutton and creating a vacuum of empty space where I used to be that collapses with a satisfying POP! sound*
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
had a difficult but important conversation with my mom today:
screenshot of signal chat with my mom. My mom opens by saying:

Hiya. Want some sweet potato soup? Hope
you got a good sleep

 I reply: 

I think i read too many books about prisoner
of war camps and the like to ever want soup
again. unless im very sickly or it is a cold
and wet day i dont not hanker for soup

thanks for offering though.

My mom replies:
Eat your gruel
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Reposted by Stab Heartman 🔪🫀
Sewzinski @sewzinski.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
I sing Cinderelly Cinderelly when I clean the litter box for my cat so he feels guilty and lets me go to the Ball later.
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
a dopleganger that doesn't looks exactly like you but could be your brother is called a brothelganger
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
hearing my grandpa say "fishing is the most fun you can have with your cloths on." and thinking hmm grandpa must really love showering. and then when I hit puberty I was like dang grandpa must really love jerking it in the shower.
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
IF I GOT A MILLION DOLLARS EVERY TIME I KISSED MY CAT IT WOULD BE VERY SAD BECAUSE I WOULD SOON BECOME A BILLIONAIRE AND ALL BILLIONAIRES MUST DIE
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
Ken's Electrons! Come on down to Ken's for the latest electrons. Now with ionization. Don't delay, they're going fast... at Ken's Electrons
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
I am enjoying End Times Fascism (the book, not the reality)
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
[in staff lounge] Im sucking on my work phone because this morning i got some peach muffin in the charging port of my work phone. Now that I've answered your inane question i have one of my own: are you always this nosy?
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
if you call piss wiz i hope you grow up one day 🤷‍♂️
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
yeah, sure. i just need to think it over for 10-15 years. let's circle back.
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
when he's about to get grounded his mom calls him Wizzard Khalifa
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
The Intellectual: "well, it pains me to say..." Me: "Oh it pains you does it? I'll show you pain!" I attempt a headlock but the intellectual has smartly pre-buttered their head.
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
I call him King ANGRYmemnon. Not to his face, obviously.
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
this guy gets it! 🔵
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
maybe this will sound bougie but its gotta be home brewed!
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
my mana is running out and luckily i know a witch who sells it like half the price of gas station mana
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
hey Game, have you ever considered that im not ready to Meet Hanako at Embers yet? yeesh.
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
my screen name is what Hideo Kojima would call me if I were in one of his games
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
this is an early haloween tweet: 🤚my cat eats🕷s 😱
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
#JesusBeef Beef from the son of god anyone? #BeefusChrist
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
if my name were Max Payne, I would NOT be a cop with a murdered family hellbent on revenge. I'd probably just work at a garden center and keep to myself.
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
cat fancier? how could they get any more fancy?!?
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
[speaking through a bloodied mouth and chipped teeth as a geology museum staffer chases me] " teach me ow yo eat it then!"
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
midlife crash out is what the kids will say i have
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
i hate when the goo of the inside the planet escapes. Volcanos are a big part of this issue.
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
Warbara Balters
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
more like Basic, North Carolina
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
bedtime is for closers! (eyes)
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
The Big Man Punch show makes me cry now??? what the heck? [REACHER S4 FINALE REVIEW]
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
scraming at the TV watching the Traitors like some folk do when watching sports
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
they don't put windows in the bathrooms on planes because shitting whilst looking down at the globe would drive 5% of passengers mad with power
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
it is a picture of Jason Statham from The Beekeeper. He is wearing beekeeping garb and stands baldly infront of shelves of honey in glass jars. In bold yellow allcaps text: THE WRIST SPRAINER
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
EMTs just wheeled in a man who looks remarkably like a wasp. said the bald guy who sprained my wrist beat him up. did i mention this beaten man is disabled? and people still think the wrist sprainer is a "good guy"? i still haven't been seen for my wrist btw. was told I'm "not a priority." wft?
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
I hate this job market
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
my crime? taking a job at a call center. the punishment? got my wrist sprained by a bald man. triage nurse at the ER said he hates spam callers and he is on the bald guy's side. NO ONE ASKED YOUU, SIR! GAH!
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
ok dont judge me but I just started a job job at an outgoing call center and idk but I think this place is running a massive scam operation. A bald guy just came in and he's talking about bees. Shit. he just told me to "leave if you value your life." guess I'm back on the job hunt 🙄
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
huge pud
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
going on The Traitors just for the zip line
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Stab Heartman 🔪🫀 @griefmachine.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
if we are mutuals here I will have to marry and divorce each of you in the order you followed me. I'm sorry it has to be this way. we will stay friends after the divorce.
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