iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

Apprently we’re supposed to eat bananas upside down like monkeys but when I tried it I nearly passed out.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

It’s hard work being a David Van Day tribute act. Still another day, another dollar.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

Women always say they want to be wooed but when you take them on a ghost train they don’t like it.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

I've just been asked to bury the world's fattest man which is a massive undertaking.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Doctor, Doctor my joints hurt when I stand on the cracks in my bathroom tiles. - I’m afraid you’ve got grout.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

I think you’ll be the first Bluesky person to come to my tour.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

There’s less pedants than they’re used to be.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 18/09/2026

I’m not saying I’m old but ‘too cool for school’ used to mean that the boiler had broken and we all had to wear our coats in class.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 15/09/2026

I’m not very good at accepting compliments. People tell me I am but I don’t believe them.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 15/09/2026

I entered a competition to be the best fluffer for really tall porn stars but I couldn’t even reach the semis.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 09/09/2026

I tried it both ways on different socials. You are correct though. That was the twitter version.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 09/09/2026

My favourite book at Birmingham library is Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Roundabout.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 05/09/2026

Silly Billy is actually short for Silliam Billiam.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 14/08/2026

I was going to tru acupuncture but I’m going to stick a pin in it for now

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 12/08/2026

It’s a sad fact that 50 percent of solar eclipses aren’t visible to the naked eye as they happen at night.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 30/07/2026

I tried to figure out why the ghost train wasn’t scary but nothing jumped out at me.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 29/07/2026

No! All roasts should have Yorkshire pudding! Not just beef.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 29/07/2026

Enters Roast Battle My opponent: Crowd roars as he unleashes five minutes of blistering insults about me, my appearance and those I love. Me: Awaits my turn looking down sadly at my tray of delicious golden chicken, crisp yet fluffy potatoes, veg, Yorkshire puds, gravy and all the trimmings

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 23/07/2026

I like to drive naked at 100mph then when the speeding tickets arrive I report the police for sending dick pics.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 23/07/2026

Phillips screwdrivers took their name from a man called Phillip who had a big metal cross on his head.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 21/07/2026

I don’t think cat food should be made from beef or tuna. it should only be made from things cats can actually eat in the wild like mice, birds or dead pensioner’s faces.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 21/07/2026

My flatmate used to sneak around at night and steal my cushions. I don’t know what it was but there was something about him that made me feel uncomfortable.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 16/07/2026

Some people are afraid of change but it really depends on how hard I throw it.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 15/07/2026

You can tell The Blair Witch Project wasn’t really found footage or the whole film would be in portrait and have a thumb in it.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 12/07/2026

It's called 'Getting your guns out' because you have the right to bare arms.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 08/07/2026

I can’t sleep in hot weather unless I’m completed naked but apparently that’s ‘gross and unhygienic’ and now my Uber rating is only 4.9.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 02/07/2026

If people steal safety equipment from beaches thats a big red flag.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 30/06/2026

To any Frenchmen who don’t like other people touching their bread. I feel your pain.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 29/06/2026

Ha ha. Thatll be him. The dirty bugger

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 17/06/2026

When I failed my seismology exams i just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 15/06/2026

I don’t know who needs to hear this but ‘Avalanche!’ Please ignore this message if you’re not somewhere an avalanche is about to happen.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 11/06/2026

Sure statisticians pretend to be nice but they always revert to mean.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 26/05/2026

I’m not saying its hot but I’ve just been to visit my Nan and she’s unbuttoned the top of her coat and turned off one the third bar on the fire.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 26/05/2026

The only way I can sleep in the hot weather is to be completely naked. SOME people don’t seem to understand this but they just should just shut up and keep driving this Uber.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 22/05/2026