iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Doctor, Doctor my joints hurt when I stand on the cracks in my bathroom tiles. - I’m afraid you’ve got grout.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

There’s less pedants than they’re used to be.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 18/09/2026

I’m not saying I’m old but ‘too cool for school’ used to mean that the boiler had broken and we all had to wear our coats in class.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 15/09/2026

I’m not very good at accepting compliments. People tell me I am but I don’t believe them.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 15/09/2026

I entered a competition to be the best fluffer for really tall porn stars but I couldn’t even reach the semis.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 09/09/2026

My favourite book at Birmingham library is Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Roundabout.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 05/09/2026

Silly Billy is actually short for Silliam Billiam.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 14/08/2026

I was going to tru acupuncture but I’m going to stick a pin in it for now

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 12/08/2026

It’s a sad fact that 50 percent of solar eclipses aren’t visible to the naked eye as they happen at night.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 30/07/2026

I tried to figure out why the ghost train wasn’t scary but nothing jumped out at me.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 29/07/2026

Enters Roast Battle My opponent: Crowd roars as he unleashes five minutes of blistering insults about me, my appearance and those I love. Me: Awaits my turn looking down sadly at my tray of delicious golden chicken, crisp yet fluffy potatoes, veg, Yorkshire puds, gravy and all the trimmings

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 23/07/2026

I like to drive naked at 100mph then when the speeding tickets arrive I report the police for sending dick pics.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 23/07/2026

Phillips screwdrivers took their name from a man called Phillip who had a big metal cross on his head.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 21/07/2026

I don’t think cat food should be made from beef or tuna. it should only be made from things cats can actually eat in the wild like mice, birds or dead pensioner’s faces.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 21/07/2026

My flatmate used to sneak around at night and steal my cushions. I don’t know what it was but there was something about him that made me feel uncomfortable.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 16/07/2026

Some people are afraid of change but it really depends on how hard I throw it.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 15/07/2026

You can tell The Blair Witch Project wasn’t really found footage or the whole film would be in portrait and have a thumb in it.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 12/07/2026

It's called 'Getting your guns out' because you have the right to bare arms.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 08/07/2026

I can’t sleep in hot weather unless I’m completed naked but apparently that’s ‘gross and unhygienic’ and now my Uber rating is only 4.9.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 02/07/2026

If people steal safety equipment from beaches thats a big red flag.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 30/06/2026

To any Frenchmen who don’t like other people touching their bread. I feel your pain.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 17/06/2026

When I failed my seismology exams i just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 15/06/2026

I don’t know who needs to hear this but ‘Avalanche!’ Please ignore this message if you’re not somewhere an avalanche is about to happen.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 11/06/2026

Sure statisticians pretend to be nice but they always revert to mean.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 26/05/2026

I’m not saying its hot but I’ve just been to visit my Nan and she’s unbuttoned the top of her coat and turned off one the third bar on the fire.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 26/05/2026

The only way I can sleep in the hot weather is to be completely naked. SOME people don’t seem to understand this but they just should just shut up and keep driving this Uber.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 22/05/2026

Someone told me I was the second least curious person they’ve ever met, so thats good.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 12/05/2026

Proctologists are a bunch of stuck up bums.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 12/05/2026

I watched a porn version of Frozen. Elsa was engaged to a snowman with a giant icicle penis but in the end she broke it off.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 11/05/2026

My boiler broke recently and I had to get a man out. It’s hardly a surprise it wasn’t working. There was a man in there.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 08/05/2026

I hated my twin brother. I couldn’t even bear to be in the same womb as him.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 07/05/2026

I’ve just stolen all your laxatives. I shit you not.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 04/05/2026

I used to be a fluffer but now I’m semi-retired

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 29/04/2026

I like to look at things with a magnifying glass to see what they’re really made of. For example, and not a lot of people know this, ants are actually made from fire.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 17/04/2026

This Jack in the Box from Temu is awful. Doesn’t surprise me.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 10/04/2026

When it comes to avoiding lazy stereotypes about Liverpool I’d give myself an A. …A, A, calm down, calm down.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 10/04/2026

I used to have a terrible phobia I was being followed by a clown but l now I can look back and laugh.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 04/04/2026

The vet says I’ve got to learn how to express my dog’s anal glans so I’ve signed up for a course in interpretive dance.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 04/04/2026

I’ll never forget when during biology lessons we had Sex Ed or, using the proper name, Sexy Edward.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 02/04/2026

My favourite thing about glamping is glaving a shit in a bucket.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 01/04/2026

My grandad loved to tickle the ivories unfortunately he got trampled to death by an elephant.

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Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 01/04/2026

Aprils Fool’s day is great. Grandad really believes that I’m coming to collect him at the hospital.

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