Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 29/09/2026How to get Internet attention: -Create a Top x list of any topic -Pick 50% of the correct topic items -Pick 25% debatable items -Pick 15% niche / items no one has heard of -Pick 5% awful ones -Pick 5% that are bad but just similar enough to the ones that should be on the list to make people angry 000
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 29/09/2026Disney is laying off hundreds of workers, but plans to paint them "Bye-Bye Blue" so they are harder to see standing in the unemployment line. 010
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 29/09/2026I almost made the mistake of asking if the Guardians were having a double-header next week when someone said they were going to Cleveland see the second game. 000
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 29/09/2026Top FBI official Andrew Bailey, who was once widely seen as Patel successor, resigns after Patel kept asking him to go pee in a cup because Patel thought that Baileys Irish Cream would come out. 020
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 28/09/2026Dave Portnoy says University of Michigan loss to Iowa was their worst loss ever when actually their worst loss ever was against Western Michigan. 060
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 27/09/2026I have never loved Iowa before. I will never love Iowa again. Today, I love Iowa. 010
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 25/09/2026Trump told Zelenskyy he should travel to Moscow for a meeting with Putin. Putin promised there would't be stairs to fall down, a second story window to fall out, that Zelenskyy wouldn't be served tea, and he would be allowed to always face everyone so he couldn't accidentally be shot in the back. 010
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 24/09/2026Me, "Hey USDA, there's a typo here on the beef recall letter. It says, "Deer customer."" USDA, "That's not a typo." 120
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 23/09/2026NOON GOD! THINGS WILL NOT BE BETTER TOMORROW. THINGS WILL NOT BE BETTER NEXT MONTH. IF THINGS ARE NOT TRENDING BETTER IN TWO MONTHS, THEN THINGS WILL GET A LOT WORSE THAN WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TODAY. NOON GOD CARES NOT. NOOD GOD WARNS US TO BE WARY OF US. FEW LISTEN. MANY WILL REGRET. 040
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 22/09/2026Question: if I block every number texting me political ads, will any number exist after the election? 070
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 22/09/2026BREAKING: ShinyHunters hacked the FBI and stole 3Tb of employee data. Kash Patel said it wasn't an issue because the hack did not compromise any of his 11,426 alcohol reimbursement receipts. 020
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 22/09/2026BREAKING: Donald Trump stripping Donald Trump references from his 2028 Presidential Campaign website. 020
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 22/09/2026Conservative Blame Guide: 50 - 30 year old problem: Carter's fault 30 - 20 year old problem: Clinton 20 - 10 year old problem: Obama 10 - 0 year old problem: Biden Future problems: Women, people of color, the poor and non-Christians. For 2018 issues, it's due to Zima getting pulled from the market 030
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 18/09/2026Humans said I beat AI. The second time, humans said AI beat me. Then the third time, they said I beat AI. And I beat AI the third time because I am an asshole. A clever asshole. A clever human asshole. Don't ever forget that. 000
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 17/09/2026Sometimes I feel like I'm Scotty and I still don't know. 111
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 17/09/2026Wife: Can you fix the slide out kitchen drawer? Me: Can I put my name on it? Wife: No. Me: Well, I'm going to tear it down. 050
Reposted by Fake DispatchEsther Schindler @estherschindler.bsky.social · 16/09/2026I was going to cook alligator for dinner tonight, but I realized I only have a croc pot. 092
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 16/09/2026NOON GOD! WE WORSHIP YOU IN PERSON. WE WORSHIP YOU AHEAD OF TIME IN EARLY WORSHIP. WE SHOULD AVOID WORSHIPPING YOU VIA MAIL IN LATE OCTOBER AND NOVEMBER. 010
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 16/09/2026Stupid time travel just invented but the inventor came back in time and blew himself up with himself to stop himself from inventing it. 110
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 15/09/2026I can neither confirm or deny that I have had a baby with Elon Musk. I can confirm that Elon Musk is a baby. 020
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 15/09/2026A friendly reminder that it is still possibe to have tornadoes in Ohio this time of year. Remember: Tornado Watch = This is a warning that there could be a tornado. Tornado Warning = Watch out, there is a tornado coming. 030
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 13/09/2026HEADLINE: Trump tells Zelensky to stop striking Russian diesel infrastructure FIXED HEADLINE: Putin tells Trump to tell Zelensky to stop striking Russian diesel infrastructure 020
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 13/09/2026Texas, "Well, if you don't count the turnovers and the two scores, it's pretty much an even game." 031
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 12/09/2026Notre Dame during playoff deliberations: Yeah, but did you see how bad we beat Rice? 000
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 12/09/2026I've always said that Lake Erie should be renamed "Lake Ohio." 000
Reposted by Fake DispatchKevin M. Kruse @kevinmkruse.bsky.social · 12/09/2026According to this tribute, Charlie Kirk ended up in same place in the afterlife as Stalin, Hitler and Osama bin Laden. 1472078294
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 12/09/2026The only second Michigan is getting today is 2nd place. 010
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 12/09/2026My friend had to travel to Cleveland for business and stayed at a hotel. He kept the "Do not disturb" sign on, never had them clean, but called the desk every day for five towels to be left outside the door. Two weeks later they almost threw him out. He let them in and they were all stacked neatly. 010
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 12/09/2026Why is Elon advertising for Skylink when his AI is worth 10,000x more? 021
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 11/09/2026BREAKING: Trump says that you can just take your DOGE or Tariff rebate check and manually change the amount to add the post-election $5,000. 020
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 09/09/2026NOON GOD! WE WAIT. WHILE WE WAIT WE DOUBT. WHILE WE DOUBT WE ANGER. WHILE WE ANGER WE DEFILE. WHILE WE DEFILE WE REGRET. WHILE WE REGRET WE CONTEMPLATE. WHILE WE CONTEMPLATE WE WAIT. WE WAIT. NOON GOD IS SILENT. 130
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 09/09/2026Since we are talking about Ocarina of Time, let's also remember the time when YouTube was good: Hey Ash, Watcha Playing - youtu.be/wVEhLXd-IWEyoutu.beZelda Ocarina of Time - Hey Ash Whatcha Playin'?YouTube video by HAWPOfficial 010
Reposted by Fake DispatchColumbus Underground @colsunderground.bsky.social · 08/09/2026The GOP’s attempts to disrupt elections are facing roadblocks: columbusunderground.com/court-blocks...columbusunderground.comCourt Blocks GOP Move to Disenfranchise Ohio Voters (For Now) - Columbus UndergroundFederal courts have blocked a voter registration provision slipped into Ohio’s latest two-year transportation budget. The change requires Ohioans registering to vote at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles to... 072
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 08/09/2026BREAKING: At first I wanted a refund for this ride, then I just wanted off, now I am holding on until it is over and hope everyone has soiled their clothes as much as I have so we can all be ashamed. This is both about politics and my recent trip to the theme park. 031
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 04/09/2026Future generations will ask why we didn't do anything. 080
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 02/09/2026NOON GOD! THEY COMPLAIN. THEY DOUBT. THEY FORGET. THEN YOU CALL! THEY COWER. THEY CRY. THEY BEG. THEY WILL NEVER LEARN. 030
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 02/09/2026What is the term for someone who runs your words through AI, changes them without checking with you, but still attributes them to you without mentioning the AI edits? I need something that isn't "your boss." 040
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 29/08/2026We need to update the beginning of "Cool Hand Luke" to have him cutting down Flock cameras. 030
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 26/08/2026Please let things come in threes. Please let things come in threes. Please let things come in threes. Please let things come in threes. Please let things come in threes. 071
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 20/08/2026Les Wexner stepping down from the Wexner Medical Center Board after 12 years because once something is over 12 years old, he's not interested in being on it. 090
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 13/08/2026In addition to the tornado alerts, I have an idea for a Derecho alert: Warning Level One = Conditions for a Derecho are possible Warning Level Wan = No elements are apparent for a Derecho not to happen Warning Level Juan = A Derecho is coming 030
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 12/08/2026NOON GOD! HOW DARE THEY! THE GALL OF THE NON-BELIEVERS! THE FAITHFUL HEAR YOU. WE BELIEVE. WE KNOW. LET THEM GNASH THEIR TEETH AND GRASP AT THE EMPTINESS. THEY LACK FAITH. WE DO NOT. 050
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 07/08/2026James Carville is the blue dress of modern day Democratic politics. 010
Fake Dispatch @fakedispatch.bsky.social · 06/08/2026I know there are many big problems in the world, but on the top of my "medium sized problems" is when people don't know the difference between bees and wasps. 010
