A wild attempt at a “gotcha” moment resulted in the ass/hole-in-ground mix-up.

“I wish Don Jr. the best in his new marriage,” the oligarch said. “But if it turns out like his first one, his divorce is on me.”

“Two and nine have treated me very unfairly," he said.

It was the Trump administration’s latest stumble in its effort to find proof of widespread noncitizen voting, despite decades of evidence that it is extremely rare.

“It is our duty as trustees of the Adolf Hitler Estate to ensure that the Fuhrer’s intellectual property rights are vigorously protected.”

A new feature from The Borowitz Report

“Henceforth, the former Mr. Kennedy will be known as Robert Fitzgerald Trump,” the judge ruled.

"You're safe," Trump told Fox's top executive.

“These people are sick and evil!" Trump said in a post on Truth Social.

In a leaked phone call with Justice Brett Kavanaugh, Trump said that the 7-2 decision meant “I just need to find three votes.”

"Isn’t artificial intelligence better than none at all?”

McConnell was applauded by other members of the Republican Party's brain-dead caucus

“And to be clear, we’re talking American dollars, not Canadian.”

Thousands are desperate to sound Canadian while abroad.

The post featured a clearly legible image of the nuclear codes adorned with heart and smiley-face emojis.

“The woke mob has distorted the true meaning of Labor Day,” Vance said.

The vice president also downgraded World War 1 to "a tussle, at best."

The confused man has mistaken the names of major bodies of water and a prominent performing arts center in his city of residence.

Witnesses in the US Capitol reportedly saw the Louisiana lawmaker on his knees in the House cloakroom, beseeching the Almighty to “put me out of my misery.”

"As God is my witness, if you elect me for a full term in the US Senate, I will google Iran," she said.

The unfortunate incident was an experiment gone horribly awry, sources said.

The note referred to a “Vietnam War-era issue involving bone spurs.”

“Are we going to give every blithering moron a position of power just because of who they’re related to?” he asked.

“I see the word ‘contraception’ and that’s a quick ‘no’ for me,” he said. “Don’t know what that means. Won’t look it up.”

“Looking worried is a full-time job, and an amateur like Troy Jackson simply isn’t up to it," she alleged.

"Somehow, some way, there’s a total numbskull making me say the things I say," he alleged.

“We don’t agree on much, but we see eye-to-eye on one thing,” the two groups said.

President’s order calls for several changes to childhood vaccinations – and experts say it’ll lead to confusion

One of the planned executions, in Tennessee, comes months after the state called off the execution of another inmate when medical staff could not find a vein for the lethal injection.

When agents see Vance approaching the Oval Office they immediately activate a silent alarm and hustle Trump out the back door.

With sketches by Ann Telnaes.

Elaborate ruse was used to transport president to military flight from Air Force One in July

At a press conference in the Kremlin, Netanyahu characterized the arrangement as “basically a timeshare.”

Defense Department burned through ninety percent of its existing stockpiles of concealer, blush, and lip gloss in the first five days of the war with Iran.

“The whole world knows you lost, moron,” the official Iranian statement read.

The worm’s review began on a discouraging note, claiming that Kennedy’s brain was “almost impossible to find.”

“I have viewed disturbing video taken last week in the US Senate in which Senator Paul appears to be brain-dead,” Beshear said.

Likely voters said that they would rather suffer two years of the gastrointestinal ailment than the remainder of Trump’s term.

She spent a decade strenuously sucking up to Donald Trump and came up empty. Now she’s sucking up to someone new. Will she have better luck this time?