Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 29/09/2026ME: I want to start posting more. Have ideas, write things down. [14 hours later] The bubbles in your pee are like the clouds of Toilet Bowl Land. I hope the people who live down there enjoy looking up at them and imagining which animals they're shaped like 140
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 20/09/2026Well, if you'd just used the phrase "triumphal arch and sniper's nest" in the first place, I can't see how *anyone* would have objected. www.npr.org/2026/09/20/n...npr.orgTrump says his D.C. arch will serve as 'military complex' with snipers and dronesPresident Trump has claimed that military operations are needed at his proposed triumphal arch in Washington D.C., in order to protect national security. A federal court is weighing the arch's legalit... 141
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 08/09/2026The Relentless Grinding Mediocrity Imperative of Late-Stage Capitalism and Grogu 185
Reposted by Elliott DowningThe Mold Prince @orchidcamp.bsky.social · 07/08/2026but that's neither here nor there... matter fact, where the hell am i 071
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 03/07/2026You can tell the hundred-year-multiple anniversaries are the important ones because they get the cool, expressive names. "Bicentennial." "Tricentennial." You can work with those. The 50-year markers in between? C'mon. That's like when it's 4:30. No need to get excited just yet. 160
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 22/05/2026Cynical thought I wrote down many years ago: A good way to become rich is to invent the machine or software that will put you and *everyone else who does the same job as you* out of business, then make sure you get paid every time anyone uses it. Looking at you, AI developers… 071
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 16/05/2026Kash Patel Defends Snorkeling Excursion in 9/11 Memorial's Reflecting Pool as "Somber" and "Super Refreshing" 180
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 13/05/2026In fairness, he'd already had to pay a bundle to fumigate Mars that time, and he was belatedly realizing this whole hobby was turning out to be a giant money pit. 030
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 12/05/2026[3.5 billion years ago] EXTERMINATOR GOD HIRED TO INSPECT EARTH: Those things are really dug in. I saw multiple large colonies. If you don't get this under control soon, you're gonna have a real problem down there. GOD (checking bank balance): But that would cost HOW much, again? 151
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 07/05/2026The invariable poker tell of fake populists is assuming everyone else cares as passionately as they do about policies and curriculum at Harvard. 130
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 07/05/2026Great news, everyone! apnews.com/article/supr...apnews.comChief Justice John Roberts says Supreme Court is not politicalChief Justice John Roberts says Supreme Court justices are not “political actors.” He says justices are making decisions based on the law, not their personal policy preferences. 140
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 03/05/2026Shame, because this would have been the perfect place to ask what the fuck this company has been doing for the past 25 years. techcrunch.com/2026/05/02/f...techcrunch.comFarewell, Jeeves: Ask.com shuts down | TechCrunchOwner IAC says it's discontinuing its search business. 180
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 13/04/2026Trump Announces U.S. Will Blockade Own Blockade of Iranian Blockade Before Iran Even Has a Chance to Blockade It "If they try to blockade this one, there probably won't be enough room," the president explained. "Blockade-ception!" 081
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 10/04/2026Hello, I have convened this White House news conference to deny the despicable rumors you probably first learned of during this White House news conference. Please don't Google them now. Thank you. www.wlwt.com/article/mela...wlwt.comMelania Trump denies ties to Epstein, knowledge of his crimes in White House announcementFirst lady Melania Trump delivered a statement at White House denying ties to Jeffrey Epstein and knowledge of his crimes, and she called for a congressional hearing for survivors. 180
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 07/04/2026History students in a certain narrow age band will note that this is exactly how Nickelodeon managed the handover of power from Steve to Joe on Blue's Clues. www.nytimes.com/2026/04/07/w...nytimes.comKim Jong-un’s Daughter Drives a Tank, and Succession Talk Accelerates 140
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 31/03/2026Impending seventh batch of "decisive" coming days will be "most decisive ones yet," secretary promises www.cbsnews.com/news/pete-he...cbsnews.comPete Hegseth says "upcoming days will be decisive" in war against IranDefense Secretary Pete Hegseth and Joint Chiefs Chairman Gen. Dan Caine held a news conference at the Pentagon as gas prices in the U.S. continued to climb amid the ongoing war with Iran. 250
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 31/03/2026President Shocked to Learn Allies He Insulted and Threatened for Years Don’t Want to Join War He Started Without Consulting Them 0113
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 30/03/2026EVERYONE: [feeling as if a psychological burden they hadn't even realized they'd been carrying for years has finally, unaccountably been lifted] ME: Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo 030
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 13/03/2026Ah yes, the proverbial "bones of feeling" that were described so eloquently by Sun Tzu www.politico.com/news/2026/03...politico.comTrump: Iran war will end when I ‘feel it in my bones’The president insisted the economy will rebound after the war. 182
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 13/03/2026You will no doubt be delighted to learn that the "we" that includes Donald Trump and not you is super stoked for higher gas prices www.nbcnews.com/politics/don...nbcnews.comTrump touted falling gas prices but now says 'we make a lot of money' as they go upPresident Donald Trump's war with Iran is causing oil prices to rise and gas prices right along with them. 1111
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 12/03/2026Step 1: Fire half your employees because AI can do it now Step 2: Discover AI can't do it now and keeps breaking stuff those former employees kept working Step 3: Resign because your decisions have harmed the business. Just kidding! Double the workload of your remaining employees 291
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 04/02/2026🎵 I said I'd make a nice dessert for you and bring a side dish, too and it was all Jell-o 163
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 13/01/2026Hello, as you can see from my model-like physique, exquisite facial structure, bow-shaped lips, and GLASSES, I am a lonely, awkward social misfit who has given up on ever finding her chance at love. 050
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 03/01/2026Looks like colonialism's back on the menu, boys 1100
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 16/12/2025Things not to say when the job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 10 years: -Dancing on the grave of the capitalist order -Still fuckin' like a champ -Laid off from here for about eight years, statistically speaking -Answering these questions, if you ask them any slower 2140
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 10/12/2025Welp, gothamist.com/news/early-a...gothamist.comEarly Addition: The State Department's war on inclusive fontsBecause Calibri has been targeted as a DEI initiative that must be banished, here are your early links: Kathryn Garcia to lead Port Authority, "Jay and Silent Bob" striking yet again, some good restau... 451
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 05/12/2025"Hey, remember that obviously stupid shit I renamed our whole company after? Yeah, it turns out that shit was stupid. Who knew, right? Anyway, you're all fired. But I can't be, so it's all good." finance.yahoo.com/news/meta-ce...finance.yahoo.comMeta CEO Zuckerberg plans deep cuts for Metaverse efforts, Bloomberg News reportsDec 4 (Reuters) - Meta's Mark Zuckerberg is expected to meaningfully cut resources for building the so-called metaverse, Bloomberg News reported on Thursday, citing people familiar with the discussion 290
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 03/12/2025Here's a strong contender for lamest ad copy ever written. Like, WHY? Why would I or anyone else on Earth be imagined to have ever wanted the thing these words are laboring ham-handedly to communicate? 140
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 01/12/2025Always be wary when a corporation tells you how much you're about to save. 191
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 06/10/2025The end game for Trump and his ardent supporters has *always* been to deploy American soldiers against American citizens who aren't Trump and his ardent supporters. It's never been subtle or ambiguous, except to fucking dumbasses who thought they were voting for cheaper eggs. 1123
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 27/09/2025[every text from now on] Mom, that isn't just a lunch invitation—it's a strategic roadmap for meal acquisition. Your text: -States when and where lunch will occur. -Describes the menu. -Mentions nearby parking options. That's not an invite—it's an all-access pass to a midday dining festival. 171
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 25/09/2025If there is any greater pleasure in life than going to websites that purport to "explain" song lyrics to you and looking up their interpretations of random punk songs, then I mean, sure, I'd probably be better off doing that with my limited time on Earth instead, but C'MON 181
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 08/09/2025Maybe in the end, our AI-administered social media personas will autonomously battle each other to the death online and we can all just meet up at the park and play frisbee or something 2110
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 29/08/2025Starting to suspect my lack of interest in just about everything anyone says lately might come down to the fact that I just don't spend that much time thinking about Taylor Swift or Cracker Barrel 2272
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 08/07/2025"What the Fuck Was That '90s Guy Singing in the Chorus?" Challenge My earnest deciphering: 'Uh, like, behold, behold me nude! Where yams agree that the skies go "Moo" We yawn, and y'all, we're just sly cubes Who love Keanuuuuuu!!!' Your turn. www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrBP...youtube.comSpacehog - In the Meantime [HD]YouTube video by Bezz Music 361
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 02/07/2025Looking for a conversational partner who will listen to me 24 hours a day and unflinchingly reinforce all the stupidest shit I think, does anyone have any suggestions 461
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 01/07/2025There's a reason you rarely see people reach for the phrase, "As beautiful as a settings menu," but damn, does working on these essential but unlovely things sap your soul after a while. 171
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 19/06/2025I'm thinking it would be a better use of headlines to save them for the occasions when a SpaceX rocket *doesn't* explode. www.cnbc.com/2025/06/19/s...cnbc.comSpaceX's Starship explodes during routine test in TexasLocal authorities said that Starship "suffered a catastrophic failure and exploded," with no injuries reported at thsi time and an investigation underway. 3132
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 24/04/2025If only Neville Chamberlain had tried saying "Adolf, STOP!" 1142
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 12/04/2025Boring bookkeeping note: I generally try to follow everybody back (after some rudimentary bot-and-Nazi screening). I was away for a while, then sick for a while, then hellishly busy for a while/still, and I am *way* behind on that. Hoping to get caught up, but it may be a bit yet. Bear with, please. 0111
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 10/04/2025If there is a more perfect microcosm of the Trump administration than a wrestling executive turned education secretary promoting AI in the classroom while thinking it's pronounced "A1," please tell me what it is so I can point and laugh at that one too. futurism.com/trump-educat...futurism.comYou'll Die Inside When You Hear How Trump's Education Secretary Pronounces "AI"During an education summit, Trump's secretary of education Linda McMahon repeatedly pronounced "AI" as "A1." 3111
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 08/04/2025Always fun when your country's immigration policy is dictated by incels terrified about what skin color their nonexistent grandchildren might have. 1223
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 04/04/2025I heard that when every stock in the world declines precipitously, it usually means someone had a really good idea 051
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 31/03/2025Here you go, stupid assholes. Two months in and he's trying to do the exact thing *every* person with a brain and the remotest grasp of history told you he'd try to do if you elected him again. But hey, at least groceries are cheap now, right? No? Oh. apnews.com/article/trum...apnews.comTrump says he's considering ways to serve a third term as presidentPresident Donald Trump says he's considering ways to serve a third term. “I'm not joking,” he says in an NBC News interview. 092
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 18/03/2025It's kind of embarrassing when you can't get to sleep. Like…you're failing at *sleep*. One of the simplest acts an organism can perform. You literally just lie still and then fall unconscious. But I'm out here like "What was that second step again? This shit is tricky." 4102
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 14/03/2025I lost 15 pounds in less than two weeks with Pneumonia™! Hoping to get ready for beach season in a hurry? Pay me 100 bucks and I'll cough on you. 6292
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 10/03/2025Oh? Ah. [nodding extremely patiently] Golly. I see. www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025...theguardian.comTrump supporter wrongly detained by Ice questions his support for presidentJensy Machado, a naturalized US citizen from Virginia, believes US immigration agency profiles Hispanic people 171
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 05/02/2025BREAKING: Man With All the Money in the World Might Be a Bit of an Asshole 3266
Elliott Downing @elliottdowning.bsky.social · 03/02/2025Trump Moves to Fulfill Inflation-Fighting Promise by Bringing Soaring Stock Prices Down to More Affordable Levels 1101