Sign in

Ed Stern

@edstern.bsky.social
4K followers 1.7K following 2.8K posts

Basic Prog Brit Woke Remoaner Centrist Dad. He/Him, Bi, ADHD, the usual. Former Splash Damage game dev. Full-Stack Narrative Designer/Game Writer available for hire: www.sternword.co.uk

PostsRepliesMedia
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
This stuff is bloody marvelous, by the way. Absolute ambrosia.
Photo of bottle of Robinson’s Ginger and Orange cordial.
010
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
Yes.
Photo of a bumble bee getting right into a rose in a garden, a rose, in September, a bee, in September.
030
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 29/08/2026
Can’t get this out of my head.
Photo of interactive science museum exhibit titled “THEREMIN BOLLARDS”, a phrase that will haunt me forever.
070
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
So the first British tank captured by the Germans in the First World War was one of a few that had mistakenly been constructed from non-heat treated steel plate. Finding it only slightly bulletproof, for months the Germans thought no new counter-weapons were necessary. Amazing.
Screenshot of Richard Taylor’s Armoured Warfare In The British Army 1914-1939
“…this first tank to be recovered from the battlefield seems to have been the fire-damaged No. 799 (D26) which was taken for examination at Charleroi.
This tank was a Mk II, which luckily the captors did not realize was made of unarmoured steel. Firing trials quickly proved that the standard German rifle-or MG-fired SmK armour piercing bullet would easily penetrate the front of the cab. Instructions were given to aim specifically for the (now no longer there) fuel tanks at the front, giving the defenders misplaced confidence that they would be able to fend off tank attacks, and delaying any consideration of how to employ their 77mm field guns in the anti-tank role. The Mk IV therefore enjoyed a period of near invulnerability, at least to rifle and machine-gun fire,…”
000
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
Pygmy Marmoset knows what’s going on.
Photo of pensive-looking Pygmy Marmoset, looking somehow both abstracted and intent.
032
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 05/08/2026
Translator D.C.H. Rieu’s take on why Odysseus takes SO damn long to get home. Structural reasons.
Screengrab from D.C.H. Rieu’s introduction to his revised version of his dad E.V. Rieu’s translation of The Odyssey:
“Having taken the decision, Homer has another problem to solve. For how long must Odysseus be away so that his son can reach maturity? If his son is (say) aged seven when Odysseus leaves, Odysseus will have to be away thirteen years. Ten at Troy, three on the high seas ... excellent.
Again, Homer ignores that easy option. Had he chosen it, Telemachus would be a young man with memories of his great father, with a faint outline image of the example he had to imitate. Again, when the recognition came, it would be far less dramatic. So Homer elects to make Telemachus a newly born babe when Odysseus leaves for Troy. It is a brilliant decision. The young man will never have known his father, merely heard of him from others' lips. The reunion scene when it does come will be that much more poignant. But to engineer this, Homer has to find some way of keeping Odysseus away for twenty years. Hence, it appears, Calypso, with whom Odysseus was conveniently trapped for seven years.
010
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 23/07/2026
Cor. I had no notion the North East of England had actual sandy beaches of sand. Fine work all round.
010
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 20/07/2026
Like a real-life Simpsons gag.
Photo of the interior of a grabby claw machine, containing only soft toys of Simpsons characters.
000
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 11/07/2026
I see you, and raise you the Salvator-Dormus M1893 in 8×50mmR. www.forgottenweapons.com/wp-content/u...
Photo of a truly bizarre nearly machine gun, apparently constructed from brass tubes and wrought iron hooks.
050
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 10/07/2026
Gnocchi Developments: definitely nicer fried and tasting of anything other than themselves.
Photo of mishapen gnocchi frying in a pan.Photo of previous gnocchi in a bowl, partially concealed by grated Parmesan and black pepper.Photo of previous gnocchi in bowl being corralled by a fork. They are in the very act of being devoured, so help me.
110
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 09/07/2026
Well now I wish I’d just made one big gnoccho.
Photo of two trays of handmade gnocchi of extremely varying sizes and finish. Flour-covered sweaty making-own-body-dough author/cook out of shot.
7903
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 13/06/2026
Advising The Skies
Selfie of bearded old guy in sunhat and shades and green shirt with blue fishies on it, set against a background of pure blue skies, intersected by vapour trails, because of planes and ting.
010
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 29/05/2026
Operation Drink All The Schweppes Agrumes draws to its close.
Selfie of very tired rather pink middle aged man, the alleged and actual author, wearing what looks like a white cricket shirt but is actually much much less comfortable but you see, it claims to protect against the rays of the sun, and this man is too pale not to esteem this the highest virtue, for verily he is a slightly blue white, like unto the exhaust of the Millennium Falcon.
010
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 28/05/2026
NOT A DRILL A THIRD ECLAIR TYPE HAS APPEARED
Photo of frankly indecent French patisserie display case, featuring the familiar coffee and chocolate eclairs, but also a third, new, previously unsighted third kind. It’s very pale. Off-white. It is Vanilla Eclair.
And now all things are possible.
240
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 27/05/2026
Sacre Bleu Skies
Photo of French beach, entirely deserted, vaguely post-apocalyptic. Or maybe very immediately pre-apocalyptic. Any road, there’s no fucker here.
010
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 24/05/2026
FRANCE
Photo of French blue enamelled thermometer, on a French wall, in France, the graduations in centigrade, annotated from The Great Paris Cold of 1871 to at its fearsome upper register simply “SÉNÉGAL”
000
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 20/05/2026
Dammit, they’re not bad.
Photo of a packet of mango flavour Jaffa Cakes, which shouldn’t work, but do.
110
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 17/05/2026
There is no term more loaded with bitter parental irony than “sleepover”. Still, the sun came up, it’s not raining, many limbs are still operative, some faculties online, the mission continues.
Selfie of greying bearded white dad guy, with those clip-on sunglasses on his actual glasses and a flat cap, feeling hungover despite not having drink anything man 50s really 50ing, feel me?
040
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 11/05/2026
Just as Pandora’s Box contained Hope as well as all the evils of the world, so this day also contains frozen parathas as well as All The Everythings. Let your accounting of the world also include them and their ilk-kind.
A frozen paratha in a pan, newly unpeeled from its protective film. It appears white, wet, innocent of possibility or potential.The previous paratha, beginning to warm through, midway between translucence and starchy bloom. It knows its power. It waits, the pan its forge and plinth.Brer Paratha is now puffing up, proud, pillowy, flecked with tan patches. The world begins to take note.The Parathan Age is upon us. It is proud, puffed, mottled like its distant cousin in height the giraffe. All is well. All is well.
011
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 11/05/2026
ABBA Voyage-ass Enlightenment Hohenzollern special effects-fest.
Screengrab from kindle edition of Christopher Clark’s IRON KINGDOM The Rise and Downfall of Prussia, 1600–1947:
“TWO-HEADED STATE
In the summer of 1796, crowds of Berliners swarmed to see the latest theatrical sensation orchestrated by the famous Swabian illusionist Karl Enslen. The show opened with a trio of beautifully fashioned automatons: a Spaniard with a flute, a woman playing the glass-organ and a trumpeter who could also speak. There followed an 'aerial hunt' involving floating animal figures filled with gas, and an android gymnast whose movements were so life-like that one would have taken him for a man, were it not for the muted creaking of the neck-joint. Towards the end of the performance, the lights were extinguished and a loud clap of thunder announced a series of ghostly apparitions culminating in a spectacular trompe-l'oeil.
Then there is seen far off in the distance a bright star; the star widens; and out of it there comes the very exact likeness of Frederick the second, in his usual clothing and posture [... ].
The image grows bigger and bigger, comes nearer and nearer, until it seems to stand as large as life just before the orchestra.
The effect of this apparition on the floor and in the boxes was remarkable. The clapping and jubilation was endless. When Frederick seemed about to retreat to his star many called 'Oh stay with us!' He returned into his star, but after loud cries of encore he had to come back twice.

Here was a theatre of the modern type, where darkness was used to heighten the impact of illusion (a recent innovation), where tickets and seats were set at different prices for different pockets. Men and women, minor officials, craftsmen and clerks mingled in the audience, but people of noble estate were there too, and even members of the royal family - albeit only as paying customers. And here was the figure of the resurrected king summoned back to life to satisfy a crowd hungry for entertainment…”
000
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 04/05/2026
Breakfast of champeeeens.
Photo of a Jamaican lamb Pattie on a white plate oddly semi-circumfered with a rainbow-coloured furry headband. It’s a lot to take in, frankly.
010
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 03/05/2026
Wait, they were disguised as turkey? And then got shot by a three year old?
Screenshot from news story:
“A "turkey reaping" archery decoy; (photo/Heads Up Decoy)
It also puts a bright spotlight on target identification and the risks that come with turkey reaping, a tactic where a hunter uses a turkey fan or decoy as cover while moving toward a bird.
Wisconsin DNR says the tactic is legal, but also warns hunters not to use it on public land or in the woods because of the safety risk.”
110
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 02/05/2026
Togged up, innit?
Selfie of author, a straggly-bearded man, squeezed into a suit like a seal into a binbag.
290
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 29/04/2026
POLLEN MARTYR HITS BIG CITY
Selfie of bearded Middle Ages man wearing clip-on sunglasses on his regular degular normal glasses.
170
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 26/04/2026
Or maybe they just thought he was a loser.
Screengrab of text from Iron Kingdom: The Rise and Downfall of Prussia:
1600 - 1947 by Christopher Clark:
“The choreography of this occasion invoked a tradition of great antiquity. The oath of fealty had been an accoutrement of sovereignty in western Europe since the twelfth century. It was a legal act by which the constitutional relationship between sovereign and subject was 'actualised, renewed and perpetuated' In time-honoured fashion, the Estates representatives swore that they would never 'under any circumstances imaginable to man' break their bond with the new sovereign, all the while kneeling before the Elector with the left hand laid across the chest and the right hand raised above the head with the thumb and two fingers extended. It was said that the thumb signified God the Father, the index finger God the Son and the middle finger the Holy Spirit; 'of the other two fingers, folded down into the hand, the fourth signifies the precious soul, which is hidden among mankind, while the fifth signifies the body, which is a smaller thing than the soul' A specific act of political subordination was thus merged into the permanence of man's submission before God.
000
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 17/04/2026
I, er, what? Delicious, delicious AI sludge.
Photo of take-away food receipt with AI generated text that hovers between actual English letters and letter-shaped pictograms
110
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 16/04/2026
HeroicWife hath made Borekfast
Photo of tempting-looking spinach and feta flat pastry
040
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 14/04/2026
South London folks! The excellent Dan Maitland is doing three hours of actual proper Bowie covers at The Ivy House in Nunhead this very night. www.eventbrite.com/e/the-classi... Be there or elsewhere, your choice, but it's going to be splendid. See you there, hepcats.
Digital flyer image of The Classic Album Band playing David Bowie Tuesday 14th April live at the Ivyhouse, 7:30PM 40 Stuart Road, London SE153BE
001
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 10/04/2026
Yes, I still have this cold. It’s proper horrible. But…
020
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 08/04/2026
Call me ill-informed, I was an English major, but -- what is the light sauce here?
Photo of two bottles of soya sauce, one “light soya” and the other “dark soya” in a frankly laboured visual pun on the space exploration incomprehension meme “where is the light source?” meaning point of illumination
010
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 07/04/2026
Proof of Ed. Wishing love to all my co-humans, backlit and tiny and in my pocket, and otherwise.
Selfie of author, a bearded bespectacled rapidly aging white male, looking dubiously off frame.
1120
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 03/04/2026
If you see this, I implore you to post a picture from whatever device you're using without explanation
Antique sepia publicity photo of I believe the actor Claude Raines in the 1920s, sat in a chair, pointing dramatically out of frame.
020
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 30/03/2026
THANKS, Banamas.
Photo of frozen banana stand with a sign spelling “bananas” with three letter Ns.
B.
A.
N.
A.
N.
N.
A.
S.
Thus resembling at first glance the made-up word “banamas”.
Yes, autocorrect, banamas.
Oh no.
Oh nooo.
That’s me spelling that wrong forever now.
100
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 30/03/2026
Is it the photo on the front of that Elvis Costello album with “Thirteen Steps Lead Down” on it?
Photo of the cover of Elvis Costello’s
Brutal Youth
210
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 30/03/2026
Disappointingly the Wikipedia photo caption does not specify which one is Lem, which feels like an opportunity missed.
Screenshot of the Wikipedia entry for the Russian science fiction writer Stanislaw Lem with a photo of him, and a toy spaceman/alien next to a typewriter. The photo caption mentions only Lem without specifying which of the two is him, which seems like the sort of thing Wikipedia editors love to be fake-fussy about.
010
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 30/03/2026
I did pitch Operation Chariot/the St Nazaire raid as a W:ET map, but the actual Level Designers let me down gently. That image of a destroyer crunched up on that dry dock gate still occasionally looms in my dreams though. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St_Naza...
WW2 black and white photo of HMS Campbeltown rammed against the gates of the St Nazaire dry dock as part of Operation Chariot in 1942. Before it blew itself, and the gates, and  hundreds of visitors sky high.
000
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 29/03/2026
#FerruleMode
Reference photo of a rubber ferrule, such as might be found on the non-bent end of a walking stick to increase grip and decrease toppling injuries.
000
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 24/03/2026
Magnificent.
Screenshot of the Wikipedia entry for the Irish navy’s Samuel Beckett-class offshore patrol vessels:
“The Samuel Beckett-class offshore patrol vessel is a class of offshore patrol vessels (OPV) ordered by the Irish Naval Service from October 2010.
The first vessel is named Samuel Beckett and was commissioned in May
2014. Construction on this first vessel commenced in November 2011.
A further three vessels were named James Joyce, William Butler Yeats and George Bernard Shaw, and delivered in 2015, 2016 and 2018.”
120
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 20/03/2026
Show somebody who absolutely rocks a hat and isn’t Indiana Jones.
Image of Sarah and Duck, from the BBC animated kids TV series of the same name. Sarah is wearing her customary beanie. Duck is a duck.
010
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 19/03/2026
Things that look Photoshopped but aren’t: this alpaca’s barnet
Photo of a tan-and-white alpaca with what looks like a badly-Photoshopped wig but really genuinely is its own actual factual hair. The alpaca appears loutish, as if plotting gratuitous violence, or at least suddenly using a human face as a fleshy spittoon.
020
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 18/03/2026
Bees going HAM on Cherry tree blossoms
140
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 17/03/2026
Had eyes tested. Optician said my prescription had changed slightly. Got new glasses. Slightly terrified how much better my vision is now. Suddenly HD.
Selfie of author, a shambles of a middle-aged man, increasingly grey-bearded, spectacles-bedecked, staring off-frame as if contemplating hard-won victory rather than biscuits.
130
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 13/03/2026
Must have missed that day at tradecraft school.
Screenshot of article:
“The surveillance logs, portions of which have been quoted in a newly unsealed U.S. grand jury indictment, read at times like an absurdist document: two operatives of Russia's most secretive assassination unit conducting a murder-for-hire plot through a consumer translation tool, their every instruction and status report preserved in legible, timestamped entries on an American company's servers. It was, as a source close to the investigation later noted, even better than a wiretap because it arrived transcribed.”
000
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 09/03/2026
Oh ya wee steamin’ lotus-clad beauties.
Photo of bowl of unfairly delicious steamed Lo Mai Kai sticky rice parcels wrapped in lotus leaf.
010
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 09/03/2026
Oh yes, my one and only classical ukulele gig was accompanying a fine tenor singing this Britten/Auden collaboration from 1936’s The Ascent Of F6 in Dartington Hall. I was sat in the middle of a proper orchestra. Went great, like a sort of happy anxiety dream.
Screenshot of Auden song lyrics 
“The chimney sweepers
Wash their faces and forget to wash the neck;
The lighthouse keepers
Let the lamps go out and leave the ships to wreck;
The prosperous baker
Leaves the rolls in hundreds in the oven to burn;
The undertaker
Pins a small note on the coffin saying, "Wait till I return, I've got a date with Love."
And deep-sea divers
Cut their boots off and come bubbling to the top, And engine-drivers
Bring expresses in the tunnel to a stop;
The village rector
Dashes down the side-aisle half-way through a psalm;
The sanitary inspector
Runs off with the cover of the cesspool on his arm-To keep his date with Love.”
010
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 09/03/2026
Auden’s The Fall Of Rome I always found it haunting, now I’m hoping it’s not prescient.
First of two screenshots of W.H. Auden’s poem The Fall Of Room:

“ The piers are pummelled by the waves;
In a lonely field the rain
Lashes an abandoned train;
Outlaws fill the mountain caves.

Fantastic grow the evening gowns;
Agents of the Fisc pursue
Absconding tax-defaulters through The sewers of provincial towns.

Private rites of magic send
The temple prostitutes to sleep;
All the literati keep
An imaginary friend.

Cerebrotonic Cato may
Extol the Ancient Disciplines, But the muscle-bound Marines 
Mutiny for food and pay.
…Second of two screenshots of Auden’s poem The Fall Of Rome:
“…

Caesar's double-bed is warm
As an unimportant clerk
Writes I DO NOT LIKE MY WORK
On a pink official form.

Unendowed with wealth or pity, Little birds with scarlet legs, 
Sitting on their speckled eggs,
Eye each flu-infected city.

Altogether elsewhere, vast
Herds of reindeer move across 
Miles and miles of golden moss, Silently and very fast.”
120
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 05/03/2026
It has fallen to me to tell SmolDottir that for reasons nobody can comprehend or even guess at, the paint has not dried yet.
Photo of a cardboard box in a kitchen, absolutely covered in a thick mousse of colourful poster paint in several bright colours. It’s like a vivid thermal imager view of a meringue on fire. There’s no way this thick layer of paint will dry before the heat death of the universe.
110
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 27/02/2026
Post old memes to confuse young people.
1960’s advertising colour photo of a housewife on the phone as if mid-conversation with the caption “Yes, that’s correct. And the horse you rode in on.”, thus implying she has previously invited the other party to go fuck themselves.
020
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 26/02/2026
OMG
Screenshot of a Twitter post with a biology textbook illustration of a crab in a crack titled “Crab in moist crack” captioned by the poster “him: you better not be a crab in a moist crack when i get there
Me:    “
thus mplying that the author has contravened this specific hard-to-disobey injunction by indeed, somehow, being a crab in a moist crack.
020
Ed Stern @edstern.bsky.social · 26/02/2026
SEAL AND ANT ADHE oh never mind
Photo of hardware store shelf containing tubes of “Sealant Adhesive” which doesn’t even slightly look like “Seal / Ant Adhesive” for god’s sake Ed, what are you thinking, your public won’t stand for this dreck, think of your Holy Mission, this can’t and won’t be end well if you’re just phoning it in like this no you hang up, no you.
000