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🔫 climp

@climp.bsky.social
791 followers 1.1K following 1.4K posts

.·´¯`·.·★ ★·.·`¯´·. Microsoft excel

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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
For sale: baby candy, easily taken
0110
Reposted by 🔫 climp
hobs @hobs.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
really big fortune cookies with novels in them
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
Mixing the drug that regrows teeth into my bottle of hand cream
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
Oh that was a load-bearing hangnail
060
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 22/09/2026
Only working this job until I can afford that piggy bank
040
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 22/09/2026
Archaeologists unearth big ol’ pit.
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
Accidentally parrying the cashier handing me my change and taking out 3/4 of his health bar.
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
Are these enough items? What if the cashier thinks I’m a bad consumer?
0100
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
There’s bugs under the screen and i have to tap to crush them
140
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 12/09/2026
Razer Ultimate Edition RGB CPAP
050
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 08/09/2026
Time was that word of a new tallest horse would capture the national imagination. “Could a gentleman rider pass beneath the Meadowport Arch without losing his hat?” they'd ask. But no, these days it’s just “Ho hum” and everyone returns to blithely slurping the latest stew.
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 08/09/2026
People at work won’t stop referencing Simon & Simon. They’re reciting full episodes in costume and there are cameras and crew everywhere.
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 08/09/2026
Download the United app now to enjoy four episodes of another “The Office” style straight-to-airline sitcom
030
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 08/09/2026
Wait how come the other gang got to bring some kind of muscle guy
010
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 05/09/2026
When I come screaming into your solar system it's gonna to be at an angle to the ecliptic so the shotgun blast of exotic particles that heralds my arrival doesn’t sterilize anything your civilization might currently enjoy living on. That’s called being polite.
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 26/08/2026
Honey I’ll take care of you even after I’m gone [QR code on my gravestone that’s an Amazon affiliate link for 9-volt batteries]
080
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
Gymnastics team absolutely fucking up this jet bridge, crashing into the ceiling and shit. Guys save it for the flight.
040
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 24/08/2026
wow you just breezed past that airport mural like it meant nothing to you
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 23/08/2026
I know I say this to you every day but don’t you wonder what it’s doing to your health eating that much liver? Like, who’s really being punished here?
140
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 14/08/2026
“Sorry I need to take this” - The Gentleman Thief
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 13/08/2026
Star Trek font invitation regular wedding
040
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 12/08/2026
Making a fucked up little alien dude blow in the breathalyzer so i can start my space ship
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 12/08/2026
Heaven help me if I ever find the person who gave blues traveler the run-around
040
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 12/08/2026
You used to need a tape deck adapter if you wanted to drive with a mouse and keyboard
050
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 12/08/2026
Move! Get outta the way! I gotta get home to my magazines
050
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 24/07/2026
Once again you’ve somehow managed to ruin bulky trash day
040
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 21/07/2026
I just seen a guy rushing to finish his yogurt. Slow down man. Savor it.
0100
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 21/07/2026
That was just a little reference to our VP and couches, heh. Oh you mean this? This is my Obey Giant sweatshirt.
030
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 18/07/2026
Day turns to night as millions of Re/Max balloons darken the sky
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 13/07/2026
my drowning coach says I have what it takes to go all the way to the bottom
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 11/07/2026
Excuse me is this an uptown 𓁅 or 𓅔?
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 08/07/2026
Yes my dog and I share this toothbrush and if that’s really gonna be a problem for you then I guess I’ll just have to grab you a fresh one
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 04/07/2026
I’m sorry babe it’s just that, well where I’m from toilets have a lever and where you’re from toilets have two buttons
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 03/07/2026
If you got any strange tablets from me recently it’s because my scribe got hacked.
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 30/06/2026
I’m just not comfortable with the idea of two men sharing an apple.
070
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 28/06/2026
[Transferring soda from one glass to another one strawful at a time with my thumb] Don’t rush me. The flight leaves when i say it leaves.
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 26/06/2026
First off, we all know it’s called regolith and not dirt. Second, this is why no one on the moon likes you.
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 24/06/2026
Sucking on the siphon and spitting out of mouthful of crabtree & evelyn hotel shampoo
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 16/06/2026
America's 250th cannot recapture the unity we shared at the release of Young Guns II
030
Reposted by 🔫 climp
Busiaco @busia.co · 16/06/2026
Whole village out processing the giant who died in the ravine.
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 15/06/2026
Wizard’s mom loudly sighing while cleaning all the empty health potions out of his room because of course she’s gotta be a fucking martyr about everything
070
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 12/06/2026
How about Godzilla vs Child Illiteracy? How about that?
060
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 11/06/2026
Previously, on Things That Happened Before This
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 06/06/2026
Buying eggs sucks because you gotta carry like twelve baskets
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 06/06/2026
Every week I generate more and more trash but it’s never enough for those insatiable garbage men
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 06/06/2026
You were so focused on chasing that six figure job that you missed your one chance to build a six figure family
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 05/06/2026
The worst part of drowning is all the money you wasted on vitamins
050
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 03/06/2026
[On all fours, ear to the downspout] It’s a spider. And he’s alone.
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🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 01/06/2026
DNR monogrammed shirts. DNR business cards.
030
🔫 climp @climp.bsky.social · 31/05/2026
Here 2: 4 Unseen Circumstances
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