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Calebs Journal Factory

@calebjournal.bsky.social

This is where I whine and moan about my anxiety and disorders. So I dont clutter my main @woogigooie.com with all of it.

Posts Replies Media

Calebs Journal Factory @calebjournal.bsky.social · 21h

Oh yeah also decision paralysis. Never ask me what we should do cause i will probably not give an answer.

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Calebs Journal Factory @calebjournal.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

I think I just like having spaces. Somewhere to exist but not be inclined to take part in. Where i can interact with people when I have the energy. And stay out of it when i dont.

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Calebs Journal Factory @calebjournal.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

People have reached out. Tried interacting with me. Tried keeping up with me. But i never had the energy to keep talking. To give them what they tried to give me. I can't keep up. I feel bad for letting them down.

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Calebs Journal Factory @calebjournal.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

Im at this impasse. I dont know what I want. I feel lonely all the time. But I dont like being around people. I want to socialize with people. Be part of a group. But my social battery is barely enough to power a tea light. I want people to care about me. But my capacity to care back is limited.

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Calebs Journal Factory @calebjournal.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

Actually- no. I'll be straightforward. I left all my discord servers to see if anyone would notice or care. To see if anyone would ask me why. Part of my toxic trait of testing peoples love or loyalty. No one did. Nor should they have necessarily. But i think that's the part that still stings.

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Calebs Journal Factory @calebjournal.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

My final crash out was the worst day of it. Was the day I almost drove myself off the road on my way to work at 4am. I left all my discord servers as a sort of punishment to myself. I figured they didn't want me anyway. I never got back into most of them. So maybe I wasn't far off.

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Calebs Journal Factory @calebjournal.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

Now im here~ Been away from them for about 10 years. Yet i still have separation anxiety, rejection sensitivity, and im terrified of asking for help. Its gotten better. But man its still not good.

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Calebs Journal Factory @calebjournal.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

I was the only one in the rather large household who was adopted. Noone told me til i was 18. So i never knew why i was being excluded as a kid. Just thought they hated me. Maybe they did. I dont know.

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Calebs Journal Factory @calebjournal.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

I still so vividly remember one new years. I was playing mario64, emulated on my pc. The bowsers submarine level. Downstairs my extended family's New Years celebration. Hearing them cheer and have fun really cut me. I remember hearing the countdown and feeling tears well up. I just wasnt invited.

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Calebs Journal Factory @calebjournal.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

I believe by this point last year I was in a self-harm phase. Im not there right now though..! So that already tracks better for this year. I have no timeline when I was doing that. I never told anyone.

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Calebs Journal Factory @calebjournal.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

Im very emotionally turbulent around the holidays. Alot of negative memories and associations. Last year, it was at its worst. I was borderlining on suicidal and thankfully emotionally crashed before I could do anything. I felt so insignificant for weeks after. So small.

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Calebs Journal Factory @calebjournal.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

If you ended up here- sorry. It's gonna get messy every holiday season. Cause im always emotionally turbulent around that time.

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