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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 09/10/2026

This was the compromise since initially SecWar Pete Hegseth wanted to personally snuff him out with his hands in an Octagon while shirtless on live TV as part of launching his new proprietary High T supplement line, Pete’s No Tab T. apnews.com/article/fort...

apnews.com

Pentagon says the firing squad execution of Fort Hood shooter Nidal Malik Hasan will be livestreamed

The Pentagon says the firing squad execution of Fort Hood shooter Nidal Malik Hasan will be livestreamed after Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said the execution would be “public.”

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

This is actually up for consideration as the new motto for the Marine Corps.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Don’t worry, the Department of War has already ordered several tons of ivermectin so we’re all good!

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Don’t worry, SecWar Pete Hegseth is on the case: he’s already transferred the funds to replenish depleted arsenals to the account for ivermectin, testosterone, and peptides. Support the war fighters!

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Elon is really good at video games so he should be able to figure out the future of modern warfare despite his utter lack of real world experience in at least half that time. Kinda like all the trillions in savings he found with DOGE and the DOGE rebate check we all got.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

What could possibly go wrong with someone obsessed with God and the end of times in charge of the military and authenticating a nuclear command from the president?

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

At least nothing could possibly go wrong with someone obsessed with God and the end of times in charge of a military and/or authenticating a nuclear command from the president.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

At least nothing could possibly go wrong with someone obsessed with God and the end of times in charge of a military and/or authenticating a nuclear command from the president.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

Critical omission is that the colonels’ and captains’ testosterone levels will count 60% of their qualification. Push-ups another 15%. Lack of body hair 15%. And the remainder [waves hands].

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 20/09/2026

Nah, SecDef Pete is personally taking care of that inspection. Always leading from the front!

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 19/09/2026

Look, Sun Tzu wrote a whole chapter on morning wood so Hegseth is right on the mark here. As usual.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 18/09/2026

But Yoko Ono has an amazing voice so it’s kinda badge of honor! (Right?)

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 18/09/2026

Hard to argue that his nose really is the brownest of the entire cabinet.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 15/09/2026

Kandy. She works at the corner of 8th and Fairmont. It’s a unique business model — handing out free fake commercial driver licenses — but she’s taken a page from the Underpants Gnomes. Phase 1: free commercial licenses. Phase 2: ?. Phase 3: profit.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

When you have legs like this, you obviously have to show them off.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

Please. He’s not a colonel when it comes to drinking, he’s a nobodies five-star general.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

Colonel Vodka is so insulting. Pete is obviously a General when it comes to booze. A five star one at that. And vodka? He’s way manlier than that — only drinks Fireball. So it’s General Fireball and a signal of extreme respect from all his underlings.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 08/09/2026

That’s why he got *two* secret Medals of Honor. But they were classified so that he could still participate in the Osama bin Laden raid without drawing too much attention.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 06/09/2026

We’re tweaking it to mandate all troops get a monthly injection of what we call the RFK Special — a cocktail of peptides, ivermectin, beef tallow, and just a dash of measles. Max lethality here we come!

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 06/09/2026

You don’t have the reich to question our genius military leaders. SecWar Pete designed this one himself.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 06/09/2026

Pete Hegseth is the equivalent of 10 million munitions so we’ll just drop him into Iran and he’ll win the war — sorry, “skirmish” — in 60 seconds flat.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 06/09/2026

Fake news about Delta Force (more like Beta Force if they think they’re manlier than Pete). In fact, they call him “No Tab Pete” because he never drinks Tab. He drinks much, much harder stuff. All the time. Because he’s a man’s man and his T pills have his testosterone at record levels.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 04/09/2026

If you think this is bad, you should see what SecWar Pete gets up to on the road when his wife/minder isn’t around. I’ll just say it involves lollipops and crude oil.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 04/09/2026

I’m all for more baldies in senior positions since it just highlights how awesome my hair is. And let’s be real, personal grooming is about the most important thing for career advancement at the Pentagon these days.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 30/08/2026

Yes but they do agree with his facial-hair policies. So it’s really more of a wash than anything else.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 30/08/2026

Yeah yeah yeah, but isn’t it all worth it to have a Secretary of War with such a perfectly square jaw and immaculate skin-care routine?

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 30/08/2026

Sorry, it was 65. Trump took out 65 in one swing. What a manly man.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 30/08/2026

I don’t get the complaint. Washington was too weak to chop more so it seems like this means Trump is at least 30 times better than Washington since he’s chopped down 30 times more trees. That is virility personified.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 30/08/2026

Is this bad? This seems bad. Wait, wrong talking point. I meant: fake news! If these so-called “generals” had Pete’s same exercise (and beverage) routine maybe they’d understand his genius. Ever since Sparta, every true warrior knows that lethality is directly correlated with lack of body hair.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 28/08/2026

Been saying it for a while, SecDef of War Pete only wants buff hairless men in his military and he plans to personally inspect each and every one of them.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 26/08/2026

I’ve been getting swolt. Bridge 2.0 coming soon with the help of peptides and some of RFK’s special high-T brew.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 26/08/2026

Everyone needs to chill out, he was only there to tell Vlad about Dolly.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 25/08/2026

Blah blah blah, this award is lame in comparison the FIFA Peace Prize.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 22/08/2026

We have all sorts of contingency plans. Just wait until we start bombing beef prices and inflation!

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 22/08/2026

Have no fear, Hegseth is gonna pull a Rubio and make himself the acting SecArmy. He’ll also be taking over aircraft carrier design to move Trump’s precious tower (now gold!) and trust me when I say massive expansion of the bar spaces onboard.

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Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 22/08/2026

"Although ballot mail does not present precisely the same operational issues as cremated remains or replica explosives, it is unquestionably sensitive mail that raises unique operational considerations." USPS crushing it on the legal front!

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