iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Elon is really good at video games so he should be able to figure out the future of modern warfare despite his utter lack of real world experience in at least half that time. Kinda like all the trillions in savings he found with DOGE and the DOGE rebate check we all got.

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

What could possibly go wrong with someone obsessed with God and the end of times in charge of the military and authenticating a nuclear command from the president?

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

Critical omission is that the colonels’ and captains’ testosterone levels will count 60% of their qualification. Push-ups another 15%. Lack of body hair 15%. And the remainder [waves hands].

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 19/09/2026

Look, Sun Tzu wrote a whole chapter on morning wood so Hegseth is right on the mark here. As usual.

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 18/09/2026

But Yoko Ono has an amazing voice so it’s kinda badge of honor! (Right?)

001

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 18/09/2026

Hard to argue that his nose really is the brownest of the entire cabinet.

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

When you have legs like this, you obviously have to show them off.

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

Colonel Vodka is so insulting. Pete is obviously a General when it comes to booze. A five star one at that. And vodka? He’s way manlier than that — only drinks Fireball. So it’s General Fireball and a signal of extreme respect from all his underlings.

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 08/09/2026

That’s why he got *two* secret Medals of Honor. But they were classified so that he could still participate in the Osama bin Laden raid without drawing too much attention.

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 06/09/2026

We’re tweaking it to mandate all troops get a monthly injection of what we call the RFK Special — a cocktail of peptides, ivermectin, beef tallow, and just a dash of measles. Max lethality here we come!

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 06/09/2026

You don’t have the reich to question our genius military leaders. SecWar Pete designed this one himself.

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 06/09/2026

Pete Hegseth is the equivalent of 10 million munitions so we’ll just drop him into Iran and he’ll win the war — sorry, “skirmish” — in 60 seconds flat.

010

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 06/09/2026

Fake news about Delta Force (more like Beta Force if they think they’re manlier than Pete). In fact, they call him “No Tab Pete” because he never drinks Tab. He drinks much, much harder stuff. All the time. Because he’s a man’s man and his T pills have his testosterone at record levels.

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 04/09/2026

If you think this is bad, you should see what SecWar Pete gets up to on the road when his wife/minder isn’t around. I’ll just say it involves lollipops and crude oil.

010

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 04/09/2026

I’m all for more baldies in senior positions since it just highlights how awesome my hair is. And let’s be real, personal grooming is about the most important thing for career advancement at the Pentagon these days.

010

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 30/08/2026

Yes but they do agree with his facial-hair policies. So it’s really more of a wash than anything else.

010

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 30/08/2026

I don’t get the complaint. Washington was too weak to chop more so it seems like this means Trump is at least 30 times better than Washington since he’s chopped down 30 times more trees. That is virility personified.

100

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 30/08/2026

Is this bad? This seems bad. Wait, wrong talking point. I meant: fake news! If these so-called “generals” had Pete’s same exercise (and beverage) routine maybe they’d understand his genius. Ever since Sparta, every true warrior knows that lethality is directly correlated with lack of body hair.

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 28/08/2026

Been saying it for a while, SecDef of War Pete only wants buff hairless men in his military and he plans to personally inspect each and every one of them.

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 26/08/2026

Everyone needs to chill out, he was only there to tell Vlad about Dolly.

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 25/08/2026

Blah blah blah, this award is lame in comparison the FIFA Peace Prize.

040

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 22/08/2026

We have all sorts of contingency plans. Just wait until we start bombing beef prices and inflation!

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 22/08/2026

Have no fear, Hegseth is gonna pull a Rubio and make himself the acting SecArmy. He’ll also be taking over aircraft carrier design to move Trump’s precious tower (now gold!) and trust me when I say massive expansion of the bar spaces onboard.

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 22/08/2026

"Although ballot mail does not present precisely the same operational issues as cremated remains or replica explosives, it is unquestionably sensitive mail that raises unique operational considerations." USPS crushing it on the legal front!

010

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 21/08/2026

Nothing. Everything is going swimmingly. Victory in Iran, record numbers of missiles and interceptors, new allies in North Korea, and most importantly SecDef of War Pete’s hairless pecs are more chiseled than ever!

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 20/08/2026

Have no fear, Kari Lake will set them straight when she takes up the position.

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 19/08/2026

I don’t know what all the hubbub is about. I mean, SecDef of War Pete and I also don’t consider national security our strong suit. But we support the military*! *except whiny sailors who expect to eat “food” that doesn’t have “maggots.” Those kids can get bent.

010

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 17/08/2026

Ohhhhh, wow, I just realized there’s a North *and* South Korea! That seems unnecessarily confusing. Whatevs, my brilliant Pivot to Asia Strategy of Denial remains undefeated since they’re still both Asia.* *Wait are they? Dammit this foreign policy stuff is complicated.

010

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 09/08/2026

Well yeah, they need the tipping recliners to move him around because dead bodies are surprisingly heavy. Everyone knows that.

010

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 08/08/2026

Apologies to all my loyal fans for the absence, but it’s been a crazy few months with the “skirmish” in Iran, my efforts to get back to China for some shrimp lo mein, and other sundry things like no more bombs left. Anyway, I’m back and badder than ever! www.politico.com/news/2026/08...

politico.com

Pentagon policy chief can’t get invited to Beijing

Anger over U.S. arms sales to Taiwan appears to have played a role in China's decision.

020

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 16/06/2026

We prefer the velvet-glove approach to Russia. In fact, SecDef of War Pete Hegseth volunteered me to go to Moscow and give Vladimir a foot massage. I’m pretty stoked, working on my finger strength if anyone has some pointers.

021

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 05/06/2026

Indeed, the pose of a heavily contemplative man deep in thought.

020

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 02/06/2026

At first I thought this might be a pic of the uniforms soldiers have to wear to the UFC fight at the White House. Sigh, a guy can dream…

010

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 02/06/2026

We’re actually turning the place into a sweet tiki bar with a slip and slide. OANN and MyPillow Network will have passes but not the rest of the weenies in the “press” corps. (Also, like the “b” in “dumb” we just discovered there’s a “p” in “corps” which is crazy so we’re changing it to “corz.”)

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 01/06/2026

Pete just doesn’t get enough credit for his sheer consistency. He’s been into racism and misogyny so much longer than most of the MAGA newcomers, Proud Boys, etc. He’s OG on keeping bloodlines pure and filled with American testosterone because he loves this country so damned much.

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 30/05/2026

I assume the troops will be shirtless, too. It’s a tough job, but I will volunteer to put oil on them beforehand so they appropriately glisten in accordance with SecDef of War Pete Hegseth’s guidance.

010

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 28/05/2026

CIA gets all the fun. I keep searching the Pentagon high and low but haven’t seen one single gold bar. Bummer.

010

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 25/05/2026

When it comes to pure raw Godliness, I think we can all agree that Thiel, Zuckerberg, and the Dear Leader Trump are a heckuva lot more alpha-Holy than this dude from Chicago with a name he made up himself as if he were ordained by god or something… www.wsj.com/world/pope-l...

wsj.com

Pope Leo Compares AI Threat to Biblical ‘Tower of Babel’

The head of the Catholic Church is adding his moral suasion to a growing backlash against the impact of artificial intelligence.

010

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 22/05/2026

He’s not wrong when you factor in the Bermuda Triangle, which adds at least a few thousand miles to the 90 (non-sorcery) miles between Cuba and the closest member of NATO.* *Don’t worry, I’m still working on getting us out of it.

000

Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire) @bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social · 22/05/2026

Fake news! He didn’t *exempt* himself from the law. He IS the law.

000