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Bob Gurnett

@bobgurnett.com
2.5K followers 626 following 2.1K posts

An adult man who still refers to himself as "a nice boy." Brooklyn Comedian. NBA free agent.

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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 02/10/2026
Move over A Serbian Film, this movie is gonna kill a joke version of Gambit you saw in one movie. It's THAT dark.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 25/09/2026
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 22/09/2026
I love how very early he has to begrudgingly admit the books are good.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 14/09/2026
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 13/09/2026
If I started sharing my IG Content©®™ would people here want to see that? Or do you only wanna see my text based zingers?
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 11/09/2026
25 years ago I was rippin' cigs in Walnut Grove park and asking the real tough questions.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 10/09/2026
I can't believe I didn't get invited to a single Kirkiversary party.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 31/08/2026
Truckhenge is a weak imitation of the greatest Henge. Carhenge in Alliance Nebraska.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 17/08/2026
I can't stress enough that the guy calling everyone cuck losers looks and dresses like this.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 17/08/2026
I was wearing my favorite Mets hat on the subway and it led to this conversation: "Mets? What language is that?" "Japanese." "I thought it was a dungeons and dragons language... not because... just... no offense. SORRY. SORRY." "It's okay. I know what I look like. Also, I think you mean Elvish."
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 13/08/2026
I really don't get why the MAGA-verse all go to the dentist and say, "give me the biggest fuckin' veneers you got."
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 06/08/2026
I'm not sure I want to know, the Daily.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 25/07/2026
Straight up just doing 30 Rock bits now.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 24/07/2026
Damn, they put in the newspaper that they got mad.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 23/07/2026
What is it about women's sports that makes everyone fucking insane?
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 20/07/2026
This is the thing that freaks me out about pro soccer: what do you mean you scouted him at 6 and signed him to the club at 7????
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 16/07/2026
Ten months ago pointing out that everyone is about about to get explosive diarrhea.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 11/07/2026
I thought I watched Undertone but it ends up I just listened to this.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 04/07/2026
Happy 4th from the woods. United States has a lot of good people, beautiful landscapes, and cool cities. Lots of bad stuff too but it's the only home I got.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 01/07/2026
On vacation in Maine til Monday. This is the only thing I'll be answering to.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 17/06/2026
It's gonna happen.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 03/06/2026
Prime Wilt, Prime Jordan, and world's more prolific flopper get it done.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 31/05/2026
Hey @nytimes.com what are you doing?
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 25/05/2026
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 24/05/2026
Best comedy of the year so far. Also, my close personal friend Adam DeVine makes a 3 second cameo.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 22/05/2026
I can't believe they shot Grogu in the back of the head in the first five minutes.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 20/05/2026
My legitimate reaction
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 10/05/2026
Happy Mother Day everyone.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 01/05/2026
Actually JustWatch, I'm not curious at all why a child molester wanted to play Spiderman. Feels like this answers itself.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 01/05/2026
Or even worse, photos where I look like an unfrozen cave man.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 01/05/2026
The memories:
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 30/04/2026
I don't want to alarm anybody but my solo show opens TONIGHT at SoHo Playhouse as part of the Lighthouse Series. I'm doing a 25 minute, tightened and more focused version of Forever Young and my wife says it is really good! She would never lie to me! 3 shows this weekend!
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 22/04/2026
You're telling me this guy outsourced all his thinking to a chatbot?
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 05/04/2026
He's talking about the weekly Bob and Sam Open Mic at Branded Saloon. This Tuesday and every Tuesday at 8pm! Thank you for your attention to this matter, Mr President.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 05/04/2026
Wouldn't be the first guy to find the light of Islam on his deathbed.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 05/04/2026
My man is about to lose his ass. This rules. Ronda is about to be a very rich woman.
"“In early 2026, Pershing Square’s founder Bill Ackman installed his nephew in an unidentified role at TABLE, Ackman’s family office. [His nephew]—whose only work experience had been for TABLE where he was seconded abroad for the last four years to a UK watch company held by Ackman—began appearing at TABLE’s offices and conducting interviews of employees without a clear explanation of his role or the purposes of these interviews. During this period, he made a series of inappropriate and genderbased [sic] comments to multiple employees that created an unsafe work environment. Among other things, [his nephew] made remarks about female employees’ ages (“Tell me you are nowhere near 40”), physical appearance (“Your body does not look like you have kids”), as well as intrusive questions about family planning and sexual orientation (“Who carried your son? Who will carry your next child?”). These incidents were reported to senior leadership at TABLE and Pershing Square. Rather than being addressed appropriately, the response from senior management reflected, at best, willful blindness to the inappropriateness of [his nephew]’s remarks and, at worst, tacit endorsement.”"
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 04/04/2026
Oh yeah I hope they get to the bottom of if this happened or not.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 01/04/2026
I'm doing this insanely fun show at the Bell House tonight in Brooklyn and I'm really excited for it, but also have a little anxiety that I'm going to get there and they're gonna be like APRIL FOOLS THERE IS NO SHOW NOW GO JUMP IN THE GOWANUS CANAL.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 01/04/2026
They are just gonna keep doing the the thing that loses them elections over and over and over.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 30/03/2026
I am once again asking you to come see me tell jokes.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 30/03/2026
The Big Dog saw oil prices when he woke up and started hammering the market manipulation button and then halfway through, he got so mad that he forgot what he was doing and started threatening war crimes. Excellent brain on this guy.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 25/03/2026
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 24/03/2026
Any politician with a profile blurb like this is an obvious fucking phony and it is embarrassing that they think people fall for it. Bunch of rich dipshits being like, "I'm a regular guy just like you! I love huntin and fishin and hittin my kids!"
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 21/03/2026
Right wing dipshits gonna get fucking buried in this one when the cool thing happens.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 20/03/2026
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 17/03/2026
2pm Project Hail Mary on Thursday. Do I do it? Do I ruin this guy's day?
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 17/03/2026
I made a goofy post about how people shouldn't care what directors or actors say in press junkets and it has alerted BlueSky's Most Normal People™ to my existence.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 17/03/2026
When you're definitely not mad and they should not put in the newspaper that you got mad.
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 15/03/2026
My Oscar ballot! I voted as if I were an Academy member, not to try and be right. I saw all the major award films and all but 4 of the films total. If you're mad about me voting for Timmy C, please remember ALL actors are annoying dweebs. Which pick made you most mad? Let me have it.
Oscar Ballot:
Best picture: Train Dreams
Best Director: PTA
Best Actor: Timmy C (boooo, I know)
Best Actress: Rose Byrne
Best Supporting Actor: Stellan Skargaard
Best Supporting Actress: Amy Madigan
Original Screenplay: It Was Just An Accident
Adapted Screenplay: One Battle After Another
Casting: The Secret Agent
Editing: Marty Supreme
Animated Feature: KPop Demon Hunters (I did not see all of these)
Documentary Feature: The Perfect Neighbor
International Feature: Sentimental Value (did not see Sirat)
Production Design: Frankenstein
Cinematography: Train Dreams
Makeup & Hairstyling: Sinners (I did not see Kokuho, it isn't streaming)
Sound: F1 (did not see Sirat)
Visual Effects: Avatar (hard to beat)
Original Score: Bugonia
Original Song: I Lied To You (Sinners)
Animated Short: Retirement Plan (did not see Three Sisters, I don't have Kanopy)
Documentary Short: All the Empty Rooms
Live Action Short: The Singers (did not see Butchers Stain, damn you Kanopy)
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Bob Gurnett @bobgurnett.com · 13/03/2026
Sold his soul for $1500. More like the Broke Ginger.
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