iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 56m

Dude came in to service our work printer and now my office smells like the cologne my ex-gf used to wear. I should be allowed to take the rest of the day off.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

I have an ultrasound appointment for tomorrow morning and cannot have breakfast or coffee beforehand. My partner has concerns...

static.klipy.com

Hulk Declares 'I'm Hungry!'

Alt: Hulk hulking out and saying 'I'm Hungry!'

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

My partner went out, and our dog immediately took to the waiting chair.

A large black dog (called Bea) has squeezed herself onto a retro red armchair and is gazing sadly at the window. Her lead is hanging on the door handle in the foreground, unused, deserted, rotting with disuse. "No one ever takes me anywhere," she thinks. "Never."

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

Excellent opportunistic graffiti, Levin. 10/10

Blackboard advert in small town NZ, outside an empty shop. Used to say "Running shoes from. $79.00". Some of the chalk has been rubbed out so now it says "Running hoes" 😂

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

Playing jump scare with a four-year-old is all fun and games until they laugh so hard they poo their pants.

static.klipy.com

David Rose's Disgusted 'Ew' Reaction

ALT: David Rose's Disgusted 'Ew' Reaction

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

Thank god I work in a place where yelling "OH MY GOD, THIS FUCKING GOVERNMENT!" on a regular basis is understood and accepted.

Screenshot from Radio NZ on Facebook, showing a photo of that dickhead Chris Bishop and the headline: Government hits pause on council amalgamation plan until after election.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 23/09/2026

Fucksake. ANOTHER fatal accident on a road where the speed limit was increased to 100 km/hr by this government. Their decisions kill people. #nzpol

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

I kinda love that scammers think they should email us in te reo Māori 😂

Screenshot of an email I received, which reads:

[Our company Instagram handle], 𝒌𝒊 𝒕ē𝒏𝒂, 𝒎ē𝒏ā 𝒌𝒂 𝒕ā𝒌𝒂 𝒂𝒖 𝒌𝒊 𝒕𝒆 𝒌𝒂𝒘𝒂 𝒎𝒂𝒊 𝟐𝟎+ 𝒏𝒈ā 𝒐𝒕𝒂 𝒌𝒊 𝒕ō 𝒕𝒐𝒂 𝒊 𝒓𝒐𝒕𝒐 𝒊 𝒏𝒈ā 𝒉𝒂𝒐𝒓𝒂 𝟐𝟒 𝒆 𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒂 𝒂𝒏𝒂, 𝒌𝒂 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒌𝒂𝒂𝒆 𝒌𝒐𝒆 𝒌𝒊 𝒕𝒆 𝒎𝒂𝒉𝒊 𝒊 𝒓𝒖𝒏𝒈𝒂 𝒊 𝒕𝒆 𝒌ō𝒎𝒊𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒂 𝟏%? 𝑴ē𝒏ā 𝒌𝒂 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒌𝒂𝒂𝒕𝒖, 𝒕𝒊𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒂 𝒎𝒂𝒊 𝒕ō 𝒏𝒖𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒂 𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒔𝑨𝒑𝒑.

Basically offering to get sales leads for us. Sure pal, sure.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 21/09/2026

What was it that Luxon said? "Oh cry me a river"

Screenshot of headline and first two paragraphs from the NZ FMCG Business website. We should feel so sorry for millionaire supermarket owners, with this imminent threat to their excessive profits! Text follows:

Local supermarket owner-operators sign open letters on proposed break-up

Almost 500 locally owned supermarket owner-operators from Houhoura to Stewart Island have signed open letters expressing concern about proposals to force the break-up of the Foodstuffs co-operatives.

Representing family-owned PAK’nSAVE, New World and Four Square stores across New Zealand, the signatories say the proposal raises significant questions about its actual impact on grocery prices for consumers, supply chain costs, regional communities and future investment in their family businesses.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 20/09/2026

This is the utterly unrepentant face of a dog who did a poo ten minutes into a bush walk, so mum had to carry poo in her backpack for two hours.

Bea, a black lab cross, sitting on a track in Aotearoa. Looking very smug, and 200 grams lighter than she was when we left home.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 12/09/2026

When I bought my house eight years ago, the real estate agent gave me an orchid. I don't particularly like them, so I left it in the pot and chucked it behind the shed. And today, I found it looking like this. 😁 🌱🇳🇿

A sad, neglected orchid plant in a black plastic pot, against a white wall. One flower stem with 6 or 7 gorgeous pink flowers!

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 09/09/2026

On Monday, my partner was undercharged $500 at Mitre10. Being the honest fucking soul she is, she went back to let them know and to pay it. Yesterday we got a call from Ministry of Justice to say they had $500 for us, in reparations from a burglary in 2021. That we didn't even know we were owed 😮

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 02/09/2026

Just gave a verbal reference for a staff member who is applying to work at the NZ election. One of the questions was about political neutrality, and if they were campaigning for 'any political party'. "She thinks the current coalition is a bunch of cunts" is the answer I did not give.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 01/09/2026

Today I learned that pūkeko can actually fly! I had no idea they could get to the top of a 5-metre tall tree.

Long-distance photo of a tall tree, with a large bird right at the very top.

A zoomed in photo of the same bird in the same tree - it's a bloody pūkeko!

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Reposted by Bespoke Swears

Andrew Chen @andrewtychen.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

Helpful diagram from their fact sheet:

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 12/08/2026

Oh my god - Luxon put that 90-second presser on his own Facebook page. Like it makes him look good or something? Fucking hell. The comments are brutal. #nzpol

Screenshot from the Facebook page of Christopher Luxon (New Zealand's current prime minister, as at 1pm today). Shows a still from his press conference this afternoon, with various National MPs looking uninspired and depressed, much like our economy.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 10/08/2026

Our industry body for the last 40 years: Customers want authenticity, connection, to know your story and who you really are. Our industry body in 2026: You should make everything with AI, THE PEOPLE LOVE IT. Me:

static.klipy.com

Clue: Flames on the Side of My Face

Alt: Scene from the movie Clue: Mrs White saying "Flames on the Side of My Face"

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 03/08/2026

I don't know if this is the sticker I'd choose for a work van that clearly identified my business. But why the fuck not, mate. 😁

Sticker on the back window of a red van that says "I'm not gay but $20 is $20".

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 01/08/2026

Hang on, if businesses aren’t interested in what the government is doing, then why are big businesses giving you and Seymour so much fucking money, Christopher?! #nzpol

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 30/07/2026

Told one of our regular customers that we're saying goodbye to our old dog next week - and he thought he should tell me how *every dog he's ever had* has died. NO THANK YOU.

static.klipy.com

Woman Crying and Covering Her Face

Alt: Woman Crying and Covering Her Face

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 28/07/2026

Love it when a customer and I are chatting about the state of *things*, and we have to gently dance around politics in case the other person is a Nat/ACT/NZFirst supporter. And then we both finally figure out the other person is normal and we can just slag off the current bunch.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 27/07/2026

My mum watched the Kylie doco and said "I didn't know she was a gay icon!", and that's why straight people shouldn't be allowed to vote on laws for gay people.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 21/07/2026

My fat face accidentally pushed a button on my cellphone screen while I was on a call, and my phone started recording the conversation! I didn't even know that button existed! Whoops.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 19/07/2026

The fucking audacity of our supermarkets. Why are Kiwis struggling to buy food, huh?

Photo of supermarket shelf-talker, in front of biscuits that help make millions of dollars in excess profits for the two major supermarket chains. The shelf-talker says that the food banks are running low and we, the customer, can help by buying something to donate. Unbelievably tone-deaf.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 17/07/2026

Took the dog to the beach and came across three dead birds. Reported to MPI. I hate this for us, Aotearoa!

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 16/07/2026

Highly recommend The Golden Spurtle on Netflix. (It’s a documentary about the porridge-making championships in small-town Scotland. Obvs.)

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 16/07/2026

Had a great bonding moment with an elderly customer today, both of us swearing a blue streak about this fucking government and how awful they are. The COC really are bringing everyday Kiwis together.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 14/07/2026

Sorry boss, I'm going to be late today. Wordle was some fucking bullshit.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 13/07/2026

Random middle-of-the-night thought... What do people outside of Aotearoa call 'tarakihi'? Oh. Nice.

Screenshot from Wikipedia showing alternative names for tarakihi, including "jackass morwong". Charming.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 11/07/2026

Took a great selfie of my dog and me at the beach today. Mānawatia a Matariki!

Photo of my arm in a yellow coat sleeve, plus approximately one-tenth of my dog, Bea a black lab-chaos monster mix. Bright blue sky and beach behind us.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 25/06/2026

We grew a cauliflower! I am stupidly proud of this. (Who knew that seedlings plus garden, plus mulch, plus water, plus weeding, plus fertilizer, plus slug hunting, plus sunshine, plus caterpillar hunting, would equal one edible cauliflower?!)

Photo of a cauliflower in the garden, big green leaves surrounding the edible bit.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 20/06/2026

Today's forecast is a high of 16 degrees, with an overnight low of 16 degrees. Wtf.

Screenshot from NZ Metservice, showing temperature forecast for 2am to 5am - it's a straight fucking line, of 16 degrees. In June!

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 09/06/2026

Anyone else getting multiple emails from ManageMyHealth, saying you've got new lab results? I've had about 15 emails in the last 24 hours. Doesn't seem scammy, just glitchy as all hell.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 21/05/2026

Emailed my (uselss-sack-of-shit) MP Tim Costley and politely suggested they could support evidence-based policies, rather than backing Winston's fucking vibes. I know I'll get a rude and dismissive response, but it really is the least I can do. Our trans whānau deserve better. #nzpol

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 17/05/2026

Met an autonomous road cone on our walk today...

Road cone on grass verge. "I'm not yours" written on the cone in black marker.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 07/05/2026

It’s not often I tell my partner that she needs to watch a video of a chap fingering a spongey hole, but today was the day… (and it's weirdly not NSFW.) youtube.com/shorts/H0Pip...

youtube.com

The SQUELCHING sound 🥴💅 I am equally appalled and impressed.

YouTube video by Mitchell Coombs

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 07/05/2026

Just had x-rays on my hips and am still not sure how I feel about the technician telling me to “roll over into the porn star position”. She even congratulated me on knowing what she meant! 😳

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 04/05/2026

9th covid booster and flu vaccine done! 💪

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 02/05/2026

Walking my dog and some kids (ages 6-8ish) just told me they liked my dog AND my haircut. I'll be riding this high for days lol.

Bea, a black lab cross, sitting on grass and being a generally gorgeous girl.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 29/04/2026

Our freight driver was telling me about a chat he had with his manager, who had fucked something up. Driver told the manager he was "so useless, you could be the New Zealand Prime Minister" #nzpol

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 26/04/2026

Neighbours are blasting Roxette's 1991 hit "Joyride". That's certainly a choice.

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Bespoke Swears @bespokeswears.bsky.social · 15/04/2026

This week I learned about the existence of air spades, for tree root removal, and I really don't need one, but HOW MUCH FUN COULD WE HAVE?!! www.treestuff.com/air-spade-ex...

treestuff.com

AirSpade Excavation Tool for Arborists

The AIR-SPADE is a rugged and durable handheld tool that produces a stream of supersonic air that lets you excavate with minimal root damage.

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