PARIS — Devastating riots across France paused briefly this morning, and once this afternoon, for the Islamic call to prayer. It is expected to pause again this evening.

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Eagles starting quarterback Jalen Hurts has suffered a devastating Pfizer injury, ruling him out for the rest of the season.

KANSAS CITY, MO — Staff and onlookers broke out into rapturous applause after local hero Tom Kelson survived watching his wife undergo a C-section.

LOS ANGELES, CA — In a statement to Congress regarding former NBA players who have applied for the WNBA draft, the Women's National Basketball Association has clarified that it defines a woman as an "adult human lesbian."

RENO, NV — Local college student Ethan Connor experienced a major dating setback Tuesday after the girl he had been secretly pining over for eight months referred to him as her "brother in Christ."

FRANCE — French shop owners across the nation have begun hanging hams over their doorposts so the hordes of rioters will pass by their shops and leave their property unscathed.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congresswoman Ilhan Omar vehemently denied any wrongdoing amid ongoing allegations she committed immigration fraud, saying she only married her brother for love.

ATLANTA — Officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced today that they are confident this year's flu shot will be highly effective against last year's strain of flu.

CHICAGO, IL — Just 900 people were injured during the latest "No Kings" protest — a record low for the Chicago area — proving the protest technically qualified as peaceful.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and his wife Cheryl Hines were reportedly stocking up on mason jars of beef tallow to pass out to delighted trick-or-treaters on Halloween.

KENSETT, AR — Instead of the normal peace that comes following church attendance, Ben and Joan Witwell reportedly became stressed on Sunday when, after sitting through an inspiring sermon on the book of Hosea, they were forced to explain to their children what "whoredom" was.

Halloween is more than just a great opportunity to score Snickers bars from your kids' baskets. It's also the chance to deck out your lawn in a way that strikes terror into the hearts of any liberal who walks by!

PARIS — Angry over the deep societal rot caused by socialist policies, millions of French people took to the streets to demand even more socialism.

DALLAS, TX — Local parents celebrated their 3-month-old son Nolan sleeping through the night last night by waking him up every 20 minutes to confirm that the infant was still alive.

PARIS — The nation of France has thrown its support behind the American conservative movement, graciously spending the past week filming a massive campaign ad for the Republican Party.

SAN CLEMENTE, CA — With uncontained wildfires blazing outside Orange County, an updated tally shows that God has pulled back even with Governor Gavin Newsom in the race to destroy California.

TOPEKA, KS — Vexed by the high price of gasoline, local man Aaron Barnett decided to cast his vote for America to start castrating kids again.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Press Secretary Katie Zacharia dressed up in an adorable lawyer costume for a Halloween party this weekend.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump faced heavy criticism on Friday for replacing White House Press Secretary Katie Zacharia with Jessica Rabbit.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Katie Zacharia was reportedly fired from her role as White House Press Secretary despite lying about her qualifications and being awful at her job.

JUPITER ISLAND, FL — Professional golfer and driving enthusiast Tiger Woods was reportedly unimpressed with the new Tesla Roadster, saying he's flipped dozens of vehicles all by himself.

HADDONFIELD, NJ — Look out, trick-or-treaters! For Halloween this year, the Jenkins family decorated their house as a data center. Spooky!

LOS ANGELES, CA — Hours after being swept out of the playoffs by the Milwaukee Brewers, the Los Angeles Dodgers announced that the organization had purchased the Milwaukee Brewers.

ANN ARBOR, MI — As the heated race for the open U.S. Senate seat in Michigan entered its final weeks, Democratic candidate Abdul Al-Sayed issued a fatwa against any journalists who ask questions about his support for terrorism.

FRANKLIN, TN — One local celebrity decided to get into the Halloween spirit a couple of weeks early this year, as financial guru Dave Ramsey terrorized his neighborhood by creeping around in an adjustable-rate mortgage costume.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After significant bipartisan backlash, President Donald Trump ordered the Pentagon to cancel the livestream of convicted domestic terrorist Nidal Hasan's execution and instead move it over to pay-per-view.

Hey, friend, you might be ready to relax, but before you do, you should ask yourself one question first: Is it your wife's birthday today?

Husbands, Election Day is nearly here, so remember to help your wife out by filling out her ballot and mailing it in.

AUSTIN, TX — Speaking at a town hall last night, Democratic Senate candidate James Talarico insisted that the Bible was totally silent on abortion so long as you don't count all of the stuff between Genesis and Revelation.

U.S. — As rumors continued to swirl that she was preparing to make another run at the White House in 2028, former Vice President Kamala Harris appeared on a podcast to demand the abolishment of the Electoral College and also the popular vote and also anything else she could lose.

EGYPT — Pharaoh's magicians, though able to match the initial signs of power presented by Moses and Aaron, admitted this morning that they could not replicate the magic of Moses' color-changing coffee mug.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Federal immigration authorities announced today that Congresswoman Ilhan Omar would be deported from the United States to Dearborn, Michigan.

LAS VEGAS, NV — Singer-songwriter Kelly Clarkson's hit new single "I'd Like To Speak To Your Manager" is now available on Apple Music and Spotify.

LOS ANGELES, CA — A bold new study theorizes that ancient peoples from the 1990s were able to make a season of a TV show in less than three years.

FRANKLIN, TN — Fandom of a revered intellectual property became outraged this week, as legions of loyal fans bemoaned what they saw as a desecration of their favorite stories after they watched the new trailer for the reboot of Baywatch.

SPRINGFIELD, MO — One young member of a local congregation found himself feeling despondent about his future, as the youth group boy was doomed to lifelong singleness after failing to stack chairs correctly.

MECHANICSBURG, PA — Comedian Shane Gillis is facing backlash from a joke he said during the opening monologue of the October 10 episode of SNL, which Southern Baptist preachers allege he ripped straight out of their 1995 sermons.

As artificial intelligence continues to advance, it's becoming harder and hard to tell what's real and what isn't. Can you tell which is which? Test yourself with our quiz:

HEAVEN — According to angelic sources, the Almighty God decided to move up the date of the apocalypse after seeing the trailer for the new Narnia movie directed by Greta Gerwig.

If you're considering becoming Christian, you've probably heard all of the big, flashy benefits, such as being cleansed of your sins and welcomed into the eternal, loving home of your Creator. Nice! But there's even more where that came from.

HARAN — Following a night of wine and music, Jacob reportedly began to assure his new bride Rachel that he hadn't gotten that drunk at the wedding last night, only to discover he had, in fact, gotten that drunk.

CHARLESTON, SC — Local grandmother Peggy Hartfield apologetically put one scammer on hold this morning so she could answer a call from a different scammer.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following this week's DHS raid on Congresswoman Ilhan Omar's home, Democrats warned President Donald Trump that using law enforcement to target political opponents could set a dangerous precedent.

COLLEGE STATION, TX — Off work for Columbus Day, local man Clay Taylor headed out to the golf course for a relaxing afternoon cursing himself and the day he was brought into this world.

Federal agents raided Congresswoman Ilhan Omar's home on Monday as part of an investigation into potential immigration fraud. According to highly placed government sources, what agents recovered at the scene will shock you to your very core.

AUSTIN, TX — Despite overwhelming evidence, a local fringe conspiracy theorist continued to insist that U.S. Senate hopeful James Talarico wasn't insane.

U.S. — Theologians from across the country signed onto a joint paper arguing that the existence of the Minas Tirith LEGO set proves beyond all doubt that God loves us and wants to give us good things.

NEW YORK, NY — The mayor's office announced on Monday that any ICE agents who cross the border into the city without permission would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

BOUNTIFUL, UT — A local runner made history Tuesday by completing a 26.2-mile marathon without ever posting a single update about his training schedule to Facebook.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As public debate continued over the scheduled live-streaming of terrorist Nidal Hasan's death by firing squad, President Donald Trump told liberals who are uncomfortable with public executions to just imagine that it's a healthcare CEO.