THE PLAIN OF JORDAN — Lot won first prize in a local Halloween couples costume contest this weekend after dressing up as a pepper shaker.

CHICAGO, IL — A plastic shopping bag that accidentally blew inside the Chicago Museum of Modern Art sold at auction for $10 million.

HEAVEN — Heavenly residents have gathered in rapt anticipation, excited to finally get the answer to the age-old question of who would win a fight between God and Mike Ditka.

The midterms are less than a month away, so it's important for you to understand who you're voting for and why. You may think that voting for Republicans is the only way to go, but that's not the case.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move aimed at protecting coastal states awaiting landfall of Hurricane Isaias, President Donald Trump signed an executive order on Friday declaring all hurricanes illegal.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Pentagon confirmed on Friday that domestic terrorist Nidal Hasan would be publicly executed in a spectacular event hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

AUSTIN, TX — Senate candidate James Talarico suddenly disappeared from the campaign trail last week after Democratic strategists realized that he is James Talarico.

JERUSALEM — While overlooking the Temple from the Mount of Olives, the one called Jesus reportedly shared with His disciples a new teaching called the "Parable of the Wise Servant Who Invested in Pokémon Cards."

NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zoran Mamdani's demeanor suffered in recent days, according to observers, as he struggled to find that perfect work-terrorism balance in his life.

EGYPT — Zaphenath-paneah, also called Joseph, successfully rescued the land from the grip of severe famine this week after wisely advising Pharaoh to stock up on emergency food buckets from My Patriot Supply.

PITTSBURGH, PA — Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers decided to give up the psychedelic ayahuasca after getting sacked last Sunday by Big Bird.

TULSA, OK — Eyewitnesses at a local Teppanyaki steakhouse sat with growing anticipation on Thursday after observing head chef Hiroshi Tanaka smiling slyly as he clearly had something clever planned for the onion he had in his hand.

U.S. — After a terrorist attack on the Mall of America was narrowly thwarted yesterday, experts warned that terrorist activity could spread beyond Minneapolis to the United States of America.

SCRANTON, PA — After years of failed attempts, local man Paul Foster finally found a perfectly ripe avocado at the grocery store, only to be tragically killed in a car crash on the way home.

PARIS — French leaders came up empty-handed on Thursday after spending several days searching for someone in the rioting mob to surrender to.

Hey, everyone! The Babylon Bee Substack has gone live!

CLEVELAND, OH — Local man Chris Pinson made a bold guess today that the name of the Mall of America terror plot suspect would turn out to rhyme with "Bohammed."

U.S. — The nation has reportedly slipped into a period of deep sadness and introspection after learning that Iran may not actually nuke Los Angeles.

WORLD — International fast food giant McDonald's announced today that it had successfully reduced its entire global workforce to 27 kiosks and one guy named José.

SANDWICH, IL — A new chapter of life was set to begin for one local father, as sources in Heaven confirmed that God was excitedly waiting to press the "Destruct" button on the man's 40-year-old body.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Singer-actress Ariana Grande was excited to make some extra money this fall as she landed the role of a lifetime as a Halloween yard skeleton, sources confirmed.

MESOPOTAMIA — Having sown his proverbial wild oats, Noah decided that, having turned 500 years old, it was finally time to settle down and start having kids.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — New York Giants quarterback Jameis Winston was placed in the NFL's concussion protocol by team trainers after he gave a coherent answer during an after-practice interview.

The Pentagon officially approved execution by firing squad for the Fort Hood shooter, but that's not the only crime the military is seeking the death penalty for these days.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump approved the execution of Nidal Malik Hasand on Monday, confirming that he would be tied to a bomb and dropped on the country of Iran.

PARIS — At long last, the Palestinian people finally have a land to truly call their own.

Looking to move to a new state? Look no further than Indiana! There are plenty of reasons to move there. Seriously.

U.S. — With unrest drawing attention around the globe and the November midterm elections coming up soon, Democrats made it a point to blame President Donald Trump's cuts to USAID for slowing the communist takeover of the West.

WOODSTOCK, ME — Shouts of "BOOOO!" could be heard coming from a cabin in the woods as a man later identified as podcast host Tucker Carlson became increasingly frustrated while watching Indiana Jones defeat the Nazis, neighbors said.

NEW YORK, NY — Against all odds, a young, attractive blonde woman managed to land a job working at Fox News.

NASHVILLE, TN — Prison officials admitted they were unsure how to go about executing a woman who was currently being kept alive by a ventilator that is plugged into a power outlet in the wall.

SAN ANTONIO, TX — A group of archaeologists at the University of Texas in San Antonio excitedly announced the discovery of a massive skeleton that could provide evidence for the existence of the Nephilim. Sadly, however, the bones were ultimately discovered to belong to a giant Halloween yard skeleton owned by a local family.

PARIS — The broader French populace became persuaded by the justness of the protesters' cause after seeing them use a homemade blowtorch to set a woman's face on fire.

DUBAI — After a preliminary investigation, authorities believe the failed FlyDubai hijacker Hamam Al-Hammami was radicalized online by watching Ms. Rachel videos.

While the facts are still coming out in the Cornell case, some of the allegations appear to be a total reversal of the accuser's story from two years ago. It's left many asking the question: "how can I keep this from happening to me?" Fortunately, you can avoid being charged with rape at a ketamine-fueled orgy by employing this one simple trick:

CUPERTINO, CA — Apple confirmed it has fired senior battery engineer Daniel Li after he developed a prototype iPhone battery that lasted more than two hours on a single charge.

While humanity was once pretty effective at executing criminals, we've stumbled a bit as of late.

U.S. — A poll conducted at several colleges revealed a deep worry among students that the Cornell University incident would ruin ketamine-fueled campus orgies for everyone else.

ROME, GA — Former congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene once again pointed her finger squarely at the Jews, this time accusing them of removing her brain.

CAPERNAUM — After struggling to carefully lower their friend through the roof on his mat, the companions of the paralytic man figured it would probably be okay to just drop him.

HOUSTON, TX — Local man Chip Wilson spent time in fervent prayer today in hopes that his wife's fever would break before it was time to make dinner that night.

ITHACA, NY — Immediately following her appointment as a special prosecutor to investigate the alleged sexual assault of a female student, New York Attorney General Letitia James announced that she was indicting President Donald Trump in the Cornell case.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the November election barely over a month away, President Donald Trump guaranteed a Republican victory in the midterms by officially renaming the Democrats "Republicans."

PALO ALTO, CA — Local woman and self-proclaimed feminist Brandy Sidwell expressed frustration this week over the fact that all the men she hates refuse to date her.

It can be hard to know what to say to a pregnant lady, especially when you're the man she's depending on for love and support. Fear not, gentlemen.

ABILENE, TX — Local 8-year-old Caden Maxwell came home from Sunday School sorely disappointed that "Sword Drills" turned out to be far different than what he expected.