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Azure Eye News

@azureeyenews.bsky.social
494 followers 119 following 3.8K posts

All the libel that's fit to print! The finest newspaper in the New Mexico Territory; serving the charming yokels and hucksters of Varmint Vale and the greater Colorado Plateau desert, and the various things that creep about the sands under the stars.

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New town every hour @townsusa.bsky.social · 06/10/2026
Taos Pueblo, New Mexico Pop: 1,518 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taos_Pueblo,_… Images: commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c… commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c… commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c…
picture of Taos Pueblo, New Mexicopicture of Taos Pueblo, New Mexicopicture of Taos Pueblo, New Mexicopicture of Taos Pueblo, New Mexico
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Travertin📷🍀 @travertin.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
Shiprock 📍New Mexico 📷Robert Streithorst #landscape #photography #flickr flic.kr/p/2sCfd7k
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New town every hour @townsusa.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
Lemitar, New Mexico Pop: 459 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lemitar,_New_… Images: commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c… commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c… commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c…
picture of Lemitar, New Mexicopicture of Lemitar, New Mexicopicture of Lemitar, New Mexicopicture of Lemitar, New Mexico
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
WEATHER: A beautiful coolin' as th' seasons turn have brought us th' blessed return o' th' ability t'be outside without wantin' t' die, an' also missionaries goin' door t' door bringin' th' Good Word an' provin' God's love by interruptin' you mid self-love every time y' try fer th' next two months.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
HUH: Who should stagger back inta town today, covered in goo an' half-digested cowboy but Millard Young hisself! Seems th' poor boy ain't dead, much t'th' considerable relief o' his ma. Millard survived bein' et by th' cannibals by slatherin' hisself in Doctor Fong's White Gooey Mayonnaise-like.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
OBITUARIES: Millard Young, 16, died bein' swallowed whole by a 9 foot tall, red-haired giant from beneath th' Earth. His last words were "*Incoherent, panicked screamin' an' cryin' like a child.*" Millard is survived (again) by Ma an' Pa Young an' his 156 siblings.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
UNTOLD HORRORS: It's been 3 days since th' bloody party now known only as Millard's Massacre, a name that'll shorely go down in local history fer generations t'come. Ain't no one knows where those red-haired giants came from, beyond "below," but th' dead rarely care 'bout such minutiae.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
DARK COWGIRL KILLS ANOTHER MAN FOR HITTING ON HER WHILE GROCERY SHOPPING. "Justified," says Sheriff Danson.
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pmamtraveller.bsky.social @pmamtraveller.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
Photography by Elliot McGucken
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
LOCAL CLOWN HIT BY COW FALLING FROM SKY. "Miracle!" Says Cowboy Church Pastor Bart Danson.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
CELEBRATIONS: Ma an' Pa Young're throwin' a hodown t'night t' celebrate young Millard's miraculous survival, if just on accounta how many other kids th' poor couple's lost this year. They'd like to clarify ain't no hos allowed at th' hodown, as they're good Mormons. No booze, either. Or dancin'.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
RESURRECTIONS: 'Pon finally diggin' through th' pile o' Thunderbird... leavins..., Gravekeeper Dave done discovered a miracle: Millard Young were somehow alive inside the mound o' filth. Doc McFadden attributes it t' Millard havin' opened his mouth as it fell, creatin' an air pocket within th' turd.
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Flayin’ the Flannel @flanneloccluded.bsky.social · 22/09/2026
🚨 Tarantulas : The Final Chapter 🚨
Tarantula migration season begins in New Mexico
Male tarantulas are embarking on their annual migration to find mates, marking the final chapter of their lives.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
UNFAMILIAR VOICE IN YOUR PITCH BLACK BEDROOM AT 2:13AM: "Well there's your problem, mate! Coulda just mentioned that to start with and saved us all some time, doncha think?" Someone's walkin' 'round yer room. Tool sounds. Yer pretty sure yer eyes weren't that color, come mornin'. Bleedin', too.
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New town every hour @townsusa.bsky.social · 20/09/2026
Fremont, Utah Pop: 241 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fremont,_Utah Images: commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c… commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c… commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c…
picture of Fremont, Utahpicture of Fremont, Utahpicture of Fremont, Utahpicture of Fremont, Utah
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
OBITUARIES: Millard Young, 16, were watchin' th' migration o' th' Thunder Birds when a great bull bird, experiencin' a mighty gastric distress our mortal minds kin only wonder at, did release a mighty wonder o' th' heavens 'pon poor Millard. His last words were "Oh SHI-!"
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Doug Dahl @lastlite.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
#Golden rock formation in Joshua Tree National Park at sunset. #BlueskyArtShow #Photography #Landscape #EastCoastKin
A desert landscape at sunset, with a large Joshua tree in the foreground, its spiky leaves glowing golden. Behind it, massive, rounded rock formations are bathed in golden light, contrasting with the dark, stormy-looking sky above. Various desert shrubs and smaller plants dot the sandy ground.
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New town every hour @townsusa.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
Horseshoe Bend, Arkansas Pop: 2,109 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horseshoe_Ben… Images: commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c… commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c… commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c…
picture of Horseshoe Bend, Arkansaspicture of Horseshoe Bend, Arkansaspicture of Horseshoe Bend, Arkansaspicture of Horseshoe Bend, Arkansas
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
BIRD WATCHIN': A flight o' thunderbirds is makin' its annual migration 'cross th' skies, an' should pass o'erhead 'round high noon. Residents're advised to stay inside, as th' mighty creatures're able to... void... in flight, an' we don't want any horrible an' embarrassing' deaths this year.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 14/09/2026
DEAR DECAPITATED DELILAH: -Dear Bushwhacked in Bozeman: Your mother should have returned your horse with a full tank, but it's wrong to have fed her eternal soul to the steed. Your brother is justified in disinviting you from the funeral, even if you DO bring your oompah band to play her off.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 14/09/2026
ADVERTISEMENT: Hiram's already got a supply o' human cheese on sale. It's local made, that's all he'll say. An it's uhhh well more than a poor undead squirrel might suppose a community this small'd be able to make. Hunans're always a might tall, but sometimes ya'll're freaky.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 13/09/2026
ADVERTISMENT: Cat-flavored pickles! Come git yer cat-flavored pickles today at Hiram's! Penny a jar! Made w' real live cats! No fake cat flavorin' used! Cukes proudly grown at the Hooters Homestead! Hiram promises NO ONE who has bought cat-flavored pickles has been kidnapped in th' last 24 minutes!
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
DUELING VOICES: "The horse attack on Agua Caliente was masterminded by Prince Orobas" By Cowboy Church Pastor Bart Danson Versus "The Agua Caliente disaster was a false flag attack by the Pinkertons to start a war with the tribes and seize their liquid horse reserves" by Sheriff Tom Danson
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
OPINIONS: "Horse fuel can't melt wood beams" by Paranoid Perverted Predator Poor Petrified Prospectin' Peepin' Percussive Pecos Pet
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
HOLIDAYS: Terror struck Varmint Vale this very mornin' as a pair o' horses flew inter th' twin bell towers o' the Roamin' Cowboy cathedral o' th' town o' Agua Caliente. Residents were seen a panickin' an' a runnin' fer their lives as th' adobe an' wood constructions collapsed in on themselves.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
FOREIGN NEWS: A scribal office in a forest town mysteriously burned down today. Evidence gathered by heroic undead reporters points to spontaneous human combustion caused by local living mages, and not at all arson.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
NEWS: Charlie Burp done got hisself shot this mornin' out in th' Utah territory, accordin' to his wife who were hangin' off another man at printin' time. Poor widder Burp stands t' inherit Charlie's fortune in ill-gotten gold an' has vowed t' spend it all on settees fer her new beau.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
MEDICAL SCIENCE: Varmint Vale's very own Doc McFadden announced today that all known diseases, curses, complaints, an' maladies can be cured by one wonderful panacea: Latina spit. ----------- SOCIAL: Doc McFadden's been kicked outta th' house by his wife Caitlyn.
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New town every hour @townsusa.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
Pimaco Two, Arizona Pop: 776 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pimaco_Two,_A… Images: commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c… commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c… commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c…
picture of Pimaco Two, Arizonapicture of Pimaco Two, Arizonapicture of Pimaco Two, Arizonapicture of Pimaco Two, Arizona
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New town every hour @townsusa.bsky.social · 09/09/2026
Bluewater, Arizona Pop: 1,004 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bluewater,_Ar… Images: commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c… commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c… commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?c…
picture of Bluewater, Arizonapicture of Bluewater, Arizonapicture of Bluewater, Arizonapicture of Bluewater, Arizona
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David the Gnomie @davidthegnomie.bsky.social · 08/09/2026
Artist: David Lozeau www.davidlozeau.com #artsky
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Wandering Ankh @herwbenkhetlives.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
ASTROLOGY: -LEO: Yer horoscope's delayed 'til further notice after a drunk cowboy shot two of the stars out. -TAURUS: Yer sign'll be more literal today after a wild Minotaur shows up fer yer blind date. An yes, yer gonna get lucky.
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Wandering Ankh @herwbenkhetlives.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
-CAPRICORN: Yer advert fer a new roomie'll be answered when a poltergeist moves in. It will pay rent, but has terrible, terrible gas. -CARPICORN: Tragically yer gonna die after yer magic trick goes terribly wrong an' ya choose the wrong direction to burrow outta the grave.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
(Uhhhh, whoops, accidentally posted today's horoscope on the wrong account lol)
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
CRIME: Perverted Predator Poor Petrified Prospectin' Peepin' Percussive Pecos Pete's gone an' got himself arrested again after harrassin' th' herd down at th' Hooters Homestead, claimin' he was searchin' fer th' "throat goat." Hayleigh says next time he's on her property she'll shoot 'im.
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IT DAWNED ON ME @30000plusdawns.bsky.social · 05/09/2026
Monument Valley Navajo Tribal Park straddles the border of Arizona and Utah. The sun rises over Earth. 😊 #sunrise #AhaMoment #TeamLight "Monument Valley at sunrise" by cloud.shepherd (CC BY 2.0); edited by 'Nettie. Original: Flickr.
Monument Valley Navajo Tribal Park straddles the border of Arizona and Utah. The sun rises over Earth.  😊   #sunrise  #AhaMoment  #TeamLight
"Monument Valley at sunrise" by cloud.shepherd (CC BY 2.0); edited by 'Nettie.  Original: Flickr.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 05/09/2026
HOLIDAYS: Sheriff Danson reminds ev'ryone that Labor Day ain't been invented till next year, an' anyone seen celebratin'll be hanged as a time traveler.
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New town every hour @townsusa.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
Pueblo Pintado, New Mexico Population: 404 Photos from Google Places API Link: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pueblo_Pintad…
picture of Pueblo Pintado, New Mexicopicture of Pueblo Pintado, New Mexicopicture of Pueblo Pintado, New Mexicopicture of Pueblo Pintado, New Mexico
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
CHARITY: Legend'ry hunter Hunter Hunterson done passed away las' night, an' bequeathed his entire fortune to our very own schoolmarm Molly McGuire, as he couldn't read an' hoped better fer th' future. Molly's plumb grateful but wants t' know what she's supposed to do with 600 buffalo skeletons.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
JUSTICE: Lone rider comin' 'cross a robbery shouted "HENSHIN!" today. Time seemed t' stop, there were a big ol' flashly lightshow an' he dun spun 'round a bunch an' when he stopped he were wearin' a fancy mask an' hat! An' then he were immediately shot dead, 'cuz time weren't ACTUALLY stopped.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 31/08/2026
PSA: Th' Pony Express'll be runnin' late after Ol' Granny Hopswoggle got to gnawin' on th' horse's leg again. Anyone's got any idears how t'keep her from it, Postmaster'd be mighty obliged. Pastor'd like suggestions as t'how t'keep her in her grave, too. Dead 6 years an' still pulls this tomfoolery
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 29/08/2026
DISASTERS: Horse falls from sky mid-flight after pausin' t'eat an angel, crashes into mountainside killin' hundreds o' passengers.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 28/08/2026
CRIME: Gunshots? From under yer bed? What in tarnation is- Ya pull back yer covers an' peer down underneath yer mattress frame. Huh. Tiny little town down there, all miniature-like an' peopled by bugs. Cockroach's robbin' th' bank. Ya shrug an' let the covers fall back down. Ain't yer problem.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 26/08/2026
LOCAL: Y'know how when lightnin' hits sand it flash-fuses it int' a beautiful, arcin' fractal pattern o' infinite complexity? Well it turns out what y'all been goin' t'see outside Black Star Canyon ain't that. Carl Cojones' just got a REAL weird lookin', insanely dense male appendage an' tripped.
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burnzz @13urnzz.bsky.social · 26/08/2026
#ColorADay #redWed A tunnel through the sandstone, #Utah Highway 9, Zion N.P. #photography #ECK
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Brock’s Photographic Journey @bar44.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
Desert Hot Springs -JoshuaTree National Park, California #Photography #RockinTuesday #Rocks #Landscape #Flora #California #BlueSky 📷
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Manuela Casasoli @manuelacasasoli.bsky.social · 23/08/2026
Along the way to the wonderful Horseshoe Canyon. The Maze- Canyonlands National Park Utah - 2023 🥾 #hiking #nature #landscapes #desert #naturephotography
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 23/08/2026
SOCIAL: Yer sister's datin' a new man. Wears a black cowboy hat. ...cowboy goddammit.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 22/08/2026
WEATHER: Th' change o' th' slow, relaxed guitar music that rolls o'er the' sands t' a tense string an' percussion piece means a bad storm's on th' way.
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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
FOOD: Doc McFadden wants t'clarify th' recent outbreak o' Screamin' Bloody Explosive Shits ain't, as rumor says, on account o' contaminated cilantro, but rather cuz th' cook down at the Parched Cactus refuses t' wash his hands on religious grounds.
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